I'm not sure where to begin. I'm new to the boards and have been lurking for about a month now. I have never posted but have found all the information here very helpful. But I guess I just feel the need to tell my story now. But, I'm am still having some "issues/problems" that I cannot seem to overcome.

My Story........sorry it's a little long...........

DDAy was November 26, 2002. My H admitted to having an EA with a female friend/co-worker ( he called it "a crush") over the summer of 2002 when things were not going to well in our marriage. We had grown apart emotionally, I was putting to much effort into my children, house, etc.. and none into my marriage. In August of 2002, he told me he was unhappy and that I needed to make some changes if we were going to stay together. He had alot of emotional needs that I was not meeting. So, I concentrated all my efforts on saving my marriage and we have been doing great since. (at least until November).

On of the complaints he had was that we didn't "hang out" together. I had my friends and he had his and the paths never crossed. So, to bring us together and our friends together, we dug a fire pit in our backyard so we could have "campfires". My H is a musician and loves to play acoustic guitar. We thought it would be great if on the weekends we could invite all our friends over and he could play for us. He invited friends from work (including the OW) and I invited my friends.

I was introduced to the OW in August of 2002 at our first fire. He really wanted me to be friends with her, he told me he talked to her alot about our marriage, that she would listen to his problems, and that she was the one that told him to work on our marriage. But, from the first time I met her, I did not like her. But, because she was his friend, I tolerated her. She was very loud, she drank alot, and she was VERY flirtatious with not only my husband, but with any male in her sites. I suspected (as did some other people) that she wanted more than a friendship from my H. There were other issues with her: my H would have to call her every morning to make sure she would wake up for work (she was always late); my H had foot surgery in September and was in a cast, she broke her ankle 2 days later; he was always having to "rescue her or help her out w/a problem; they would joke around sexually; and I found a very sexual text message on his phone from her; he talked about her alot, how wonderful she was, how smart she was, how he thought she was pretty, etc. Then she started dating one of my H's best friends.

By the end of September I was feeling really good about my marriage, my H was happy with our marriage and it was wonderful.

Fast forward to November 23 2002.....we had our final fire of the year. Of course OW was there. We had a really good night until......after everyone had left with the exception of OW and my H's drummer, we wanted to listen to a CD that my H and drummer had made. So, we came into the house and I suggested we go to our room to listen to it since we had about 5 kids sleeping on my living room floor (our friends would bring their kids, and they would just spend the night). Anyway, we go upstairs, my H and drummer are listening to CD. I'm talking to OW. Long story short.......she told me her and my H were discussing 3-somes, and were going to try to "talk me into it". She was pretty drunk, so I just let it slide and was going to talk to H about it when everyone left. But, she kept bringing it up, saying he really wanted me to do this and he wanted his two "favorite redheads together". Finally, after about 20 minutes of this I lost it and threw a drink across the room and told her to ******* leave! I stormed out of the room and locked myself in my daughters room until they left.

H said he's never seen me that upset. We had a long conversation (H and I) about the 3 some. He said that OW, him and some other friends from work were talking about weather or not they could do it. He said there was no plan, that they all joke around alot at work and that she was "nutty". I told him that she was taking it too seriously. He agreed that he should stop "hanging out" with her.

This bothered me for a couple of days because it had confirmed that she "wanted" my H and was making "more" out of their friendship than there was. I tried to talk to H about this and he would avoid me or change the subject. So, finally I forced him to discuss it with me. He told me he was avoiding me cause he knew he'd have to tell me that he had "a crush" on her. He said that over the summer he had "feelings" for her, more feelings than he should have had cause he's married. And that she had the same "feelings" for him. And that nothing physical ever happened, except for hugging. But, that he no longer had those feelings for her and he hasn't since things turned around with our marriage; and they are just friends

So, of course I lost it. We had 2 long conversations about it. He felt really bad and we agreed that he should definitely not hang around her anymore. Which, I knew would be hard cause they work together and she is now in our social circle. He also did not want me to tell anyone about the whole incident. We have not talked about it since November, mostly cause he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, he wants to “forget about” it. I told him that I forgave him but that it would take me awhile to come to terms with it.

He’s been wonderful since then, he’s been very attentive and doing all he can to let me know he loves me and that he’s happy and wants our marriage to work.

But, about the middle of December he’s said in passing that he’s been talking to her. He’d just mention that he talked to her about this or that; she sent him a funny e-mail; she sent him a funny text; he mentions her sometimes when talking about work, we were out on our anniversary and he checked his cell phone and there was a call placed to her in the call log, etc.

OW has also sent me e-mails apologizing for that night and telling me about her new boyfriend. I perceive this as her trying to become friends with me again. I don’t know if H has told her that I know everything.

My questions/problems are:

1) he said he’d stop “hanging out” with her and talking to her unless he had to. I’m unsure how to approach him with this since A) He doesn't want to discuss it and B) I’m kinda comforted that he’s telling me that he’s been around her, and I’m afraid if I say something he’ll just stop telling me. But, this is making recovery hard on me. Every time I hear her name or someone brings her up, I become upset and depressed.

2) He’s also mentioned that he wanted me to lighten my hair to strawberry blonde (OW’s color); that I need to be louder cause I mumble alot (OW is loud); that he wished I’d enjoy hanging in the garage w/him and working on cars, etc (OW is a tomboy and very into cars, tools, hotrods, etc). I’m not sure he realizes what he’s doing with these comments, I really don’t think he’s trying to be cruel or compare me to her. But I get really angry and upset when he does.

3) She has e-mailed me several times since DDay. The first couple were to say she was sorry for the 3-ome incident. I’ve replied to 2 of her e-mails (very short and to the point). Just before Christmas she sent another, telling me about her new boyfriend, etc. I think this is her attempt to keep me as a friend, but I really don’t want to be her friend. I’m not sure what to do about this situation either. I have not yet responded to her latest e-mail and am not sure I should or if I do what I should say. I want to tell her I know and to stop talking to my H, but am afraid cause I don’t want H to get upset and I don’t want her to think I perceive her as a threat (even thought I do).

I’m just hoping someone out there has some advise/comments..........

<small>[ January 04, 2003, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: LadiKym ]</small>

Ladi,

Glad you posted this. I have just a minute, but want to get back to you more in depth later. Do you have the book Surviving An Affair?

If not you should get it - comes fast when ordered from this website. It will explain everything you need to know. It will tell you exactly what to do first, second and so on.

There is a perfect NO CONTACT letter in the book, that your H should write the OW. NO CONTACT is a must. I believe your H when he says he wants to save your marriage. He sounds sincere from what you have written.

This OW you have sounds extremely manipulative. She is not your friend, and she is not your H's friend. This talk of a new boyfriend may be true, but she still wants to be in the game with you and your H.

Start with NO CONTACT. Read SAA - it explains the why of this so good. Especially one example of a couple where the H was having an EA with someone at the gym and it was getting ready to go to PA.
It explains the importance of NO CONTACT even if not a PA. It's out of respect to you for starters.

Plus - this OW sounds really dangerous to me. It seems she has great ways of insinuating herself in your life, by working on both of you individually to keep her active with you.

It's not OK! Let us know how you're doing! Blessings, CSue

CSue-

Thank you for your reply. I do not have the Surviving An Affair book, but from what you said I should order it.

NO CONTACT would be great because she really is extremely manipulative. She is REALLY good at making him feel sorry for her. However, since they work together this may be difficult. He is planning on looking for a new job anyway, cause the company is going nowhere. But, that's not going to happen for at least 3-6 monthes. Does SSA say anything about co-workers and how to deal with that until there can be a job change? Cause I'm not sure I can deal with knowing he sees her everyday.

Ladi,

Sorry, been very busy and this is the first chance I've had to get back to you. Yes, SAA does address the work/no contact concept.

I'm glad he's looking for another job anyway. How are you doing? This is the time for you to take extra special care of yourself because you have received a terrible shock.

Please treat yourself kindly. I'll check back on you tomorrow.

Blessings, CSue