Hi! I posted once before and appreciated the answers I got. In brief, I discovered the affair, confronted my husband and he moved out, all on the same day, December 16th. I spent the next 11 days trying to talk to him about returning home and starting over. He continued to deny the affair the whole time, stating he needed time and he didn't think we could work things out since I had accused him unjustly. I basically was begging him to come home. One week ago, I discovered he was actually living with the OW and not staying with his son as I believed. That was the final betrayal for me, so I left a message on his voice mail and told him that although I still loved him and wanted him back, I would not call him anymore, no further explaination. Well, in the past week, he has not called me at all, I have had no contact with him. I am devistated. As I have been reading Dr. Harley's book, I decided to write him (My husband) a letter. I told him I knew everything, not to deny anything anymore, and I still loved him and wanted to work things out. I accepted my share of the blame for helping to create the envirnment for the affair to begin in the first place, and even told him I can understand why he turned to her. I told him I will always be here for him, and I was working very hard on self improvement. I told him I wanted to hear from him just to make sure he was OK. I have received no response. I guess maybe I still sound like I'm begging to him, but I want to keep reminding him I love him, and he CAN come home. I do believe in time, this is going to end, but I am very impatient, and I think his rapid departure from me to her is a bad sign for me. We have been married almost 13 years and have 5 children between us, none together, and now all grown. My husband is almost 59, I am 49 and told I look much younger, and the OW is 35 with 2 boys 10 and 14. I can't believe he wants to start over with young children, he likes his quiet and his freedom. He is living in a house with one bathroom (we have 4), and no real privacy. I am told her parents do not approve of the situation (should I talk to them?). I am also told she is looking for marriage and money, and has made the rounds with a number of men at the bar where she bartends (this is where my husband met her). Does this sound like a relationship that is going to last? I guess I just need some reassurances, some kind words, and advice on where I go from here. Thank you!

Hiya errn,

I have just finished reading your previous post to help me understand your background a little more before I posted. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

I actually can't look at your spouses rapid departure as a bad sign at all. ( I like to turn things around to suit myself in a brighter form)

The reality is he is now in a different house with someone he only thinks he knows and he is also with that OP's children. The children as sad as it is can cause great strain on even the strongest of bonds. Let alone a relationship that began on dishonesty. Cracks I am positive will begin to appear, if not already.

I know it would be hard to be patient, just let your husband know you are there for him......... I am sure he will need you soon, more than he probably ever would like to admit. Try and stay positive and if not already, please contact al-anon. You may find some strengh there. ( I hope they call it that in the States?)

Take care.

I know this is the worst thing you could be going through. Hang in there. I really have no advice to give at this point. I just found out on the 16th myself. The OW got mad because my H did not want her anymore and she told me about the A. All I can say is you are not alone. I come here to vent mostly and to have others tell me I am not alone. You will make it through this one way or another. Be positive!

errn -
It's very unlikely that your WH's R will last with OW. Especially now that he's getting a daily dose of real life with her and her children. Of course, he's probably so much in the Fog right now that it still seems like a fairy tale to him, so don't expect miracles.

At this point I don't think there is anything you can do about your WH. He's made his choice - at least for the moment. I think your letter has said everything that needs to be said. You know about your WH's A, and you still love him & want to save your M. You understand that you both contributed to your M's problems, and you are working on yourself to improve in that regard.

Now you have to focus on you. Learn everything you can from MB and what you could do to restore your M, should that possibility ever occur. Talk to friends & counselors, go out & have a life, laugh and cry and eat and sleep. Through all of this, you'll get stronger & realize that, no matter what happens with your WH, you'll come out just fine.

Some questions to consider...
Are you going to continue to have contact with WH? Did you tell him in your letter? Did you specify your conditions before you will accept your WH back into your life (assuming he ever wants to come home)? Have you set boundaries, such as insisting on NC with OW? Or do you have any? Would you take him back even if he continues to see her? Make sure you know the answer to those questions in case he ever does come back.

This may be a long haul. Can you stand it? The pain may get almost unbearable at times. But that's what we're here for - to listen to you vent and cry, and hopefully give you whatever support we can.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Thank you all for your words of support. This certainly is the roller coaster ride of my life. I am so focused on him that it is hard for me to concentrate on anything else. I still manage to go to work, but it is difficult. My co-workers and friends have been very supportive, for that I am thankful. It's difficult for me to go out, even to the mall, because all I do is focus on other couples. Your reassurances are comforting and I appreciate the guidance and kind words. I want so much to believe this will all end the way I want it to, but I am so afraid it won't. It's nice to have a place to vent and talk about feelings. Thanks again all!