My W and I have been married since July 2000, but we have been together since July 1997. We dated, moved in together, got pregnant and married. For all those years I have be distant and uncaring at times. There were good and bad times, but for me I considered it mostly bad. I ended up losing touch with my W, being her friend and husband. I did nothing to help the relationship. She took care of everything, the bills, home life, and our daughter. I expected it and that is where I started to falter. She was the giver and all I did was take.
Early in the relationship I was still involved with my girlfriend of several years. Yes, it was a very unhealthy relationship, but I was in it so long I did not know any better. I continued to talk to her and once even seeing and staying the night with her. Months later I continually denied anything to my wife. At that time we were just starting to date and saw no problem with it. Finally after 6 months I told her the truth. It took years for that to heal, if it healed at all.
The hard part. I believe that I started to fall out of in love with my W. During the pregnancy I become more and more uncaring. I disregarded her feelings and needs and place all my attention to work. I tried to make all the appointments (I think I only missed one) and she spent several occasions in the hospital. There were times that I cared and nurtured her, and others I was distant and uncaring. When our daughter was born our sex life took a drastic turn for the worse. There were times I was not attracted to my W and did not want to touch her. I stopped listening to what she was pleading with me to help and do for the family. I was no help watching our child, and still left everything for her to do. My life revolved around me and not our family.
I was in school and she moved in with her mother so we could try to save money. While apart I met someone that I had a brief A with. She was not pretty and I was not looking for a relationship, just sex. I was safe and it did not last very long. While being with her I felt remorse and sorrow for the way I was betraying my W. Soon after I left the country for work. Before I left not once did my W and I make love. I was sad and depressed in the relationship and had nowhere to turn or ask for help.
Two months into my overseas tour, I meet the OW. I was talking to her during a softball game I was participating in and was a little attracted to her. Again I was not looking for a relationship, I was married, lonely, sad, and wanted to have sex. I never had enough courage to tell my W how I felt or what I was doing. I guess I fooled myself to believe that I was protecting her from being hurt and let down in the relationship. The relationship with the OW lasted 3 ½ months to 4. The sex at first was great, and again there was no relationship, maybe friends but that was all. I did inform her not to fall in love with me and not get attached. I had no intention of staying with her. As the relationship continued, I found myself disliking her more and more. I did not end the relationship right off because I knew she was leaving soon. Then one day she told me she loved me. I did not feel the same way, but proceeded to have sex with her. It was nice to finally have something to do to pass all the slow time that I had here. I neglected my family in the states, because I really believed that I feel out of love with my W.
The OW finally left and I broke it off as ‘easy’ as I could without hurting her. I lead her to believe that I cared more than I really did so she could feel better about the way things ended. I spoke to her a few times (she always called me, I never called her) and sent a few emails back and forth. During a conversation her and I had prior to her leaving, I told her that I was going back to my wife to see if I could find out what was wrong with us. I wanted to fix things and stay with her if I could. The OW was furious and proceeded to tell me if I left her she would do anything in her power to destroy me.
In September of last year I went home and spent three weeks with my family. At first it was very different, we have been physically apart almost a year and our daughter was much older. But as the days past I was getting comfortable with the changes. I was learning to be a husband and a father again. I was taking responsibilities and enjoying it. I began to learn who my W was and the problems that she faced day in and day out. I started to listen to her for the first time in ages and enjoyed it. We made love for the first time in years and she felt a difference too. By the time I left to go back overseas, I knew where I wanted to be and whom I loved and wanted to be with.
For 2 months I spent overseas I did not waver once. I had a new found love for my W and family. I did not want to leave them. I did not speak with the OW once I arrived back. I received one email that I replied with one sentence and that was it. I learned a month ago that she turned me in to the military court system that I committed A. She was out to destroy my reputation and my job. Because of this I needed to inform my wife of my misdeeds and my feelings for her, past and present. Unfortanatly I did not get the opportunity to tell her. A week before Christmas the OW sent her a letter informing her of the A, the investigation, and told her if she needed anything to help her divorce me she would supply it. She had emails and pictures of us together. When my W confronted me with it I told her the truth.
At first she took it like it was her fault that I faltered. She told me that if she was a better W and lover this would have never happened. I told her that it was not, nor has it ever been her fault. I was the one who fell and I was the one who betrayed her trust and love. I told her everything I could so she was aware of everything. After the shock of the A we spoke of divorce. I told her that since September that I found what I had lost and that I wanted to do anything in my power to change and stay with her. We have spoke about MC, retreats, and I found MB and asked her to check it out. She has purchased books and wrote a post on this site. At times it has been very helpful.
Now this is where I need help. I have been painfully honest with her about the A. What were my likes and dislikes, the sex, the conversations, everything. She asks me questions and tries either to prove to herself that I am lying or telling the truth. I understand that she cannot trust anything I say. I have lied to her for so long. At times she gets so angry at me that all she does is yell at me and degrade me. I understand that she is hurt, mad, and I am untrustworthy. She tells me that I cannot do this and that I will break and runaway from this like I have with everything else in my life.
I tell her that if that were true that I would not be here talking to her taking the hard road. Things are going to be different and tough for a long time and I know this. I am at fault, I was the one that betrayed her and I feel like I owe her a chance to see that I have changed for the better. That I really do love her and want to be with her. I have dedicated everything to the family since September and I will not change that. She is afraid that I still have feelings for the OW and that I want to be with the OW instead of her. That is not true. I really screwed this relationship up and I want to fix it. I want to be able to move forward and continue down the path to healing. I know that she wants this to work but I have disappointed her so much that she cannot handle another set back. Just this morning she called and told me she knew that I had two secret emails and she wanted the passwords. I had no clue what she was talking about. I continued to tell her that I had no passwords to give her because I did not have any secret accounts that she did not know about. She was furious and told me repeatedly that I was lying and that if I did not give her the passwords that this was over, PERIOD. When I told her I had no information on the email accounts she hung up the phone. Three hours later she called me back and said that the emails were not mine (actually that the accounts were suspended after 90 days of no use) and apologized. I told her that I understood the anger and that it was fine. I told her that I was in this for the long haul and that there are going to be times that she will be angry with me. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, but I am trying. I cannot get mad at her for showing me here feelings or putting me down. I am a low life for what I did, but I intend to be happy with the decisions that I have made and I want to be her everything again. Everyday I learn something new and I am that much more happy with the decision I made to stay and try to work this out.
My W asks me what I want from her, what she can change to make this easier. I tell her that she does not need to change a thing. I am the one that needed to change. I was the one that was uncaring and distant. I needed to learn who and what I wanted in life. I was so unhappy with me that I could not make anyone else happy. I know writing this I will get blasted for my faults, but again if I cannot learn from my mistakes and stand up and take credit for them, I would never be worthy of another chance.
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H (WS) 31
W (BS) 27
M 3 yrs (Together almost 7)
1 Child (2)

Welcome Heller,

If you have not already done so, click on the Marriage Builders header and read, read, read! AND see if your wife will read along with you. Print out the survey thingies and do them...the ones about Emotional Needs is great. Then buy the recommended books.

There are many opportunities to save your marriage and make the changes necessary to have a really goood marriage, especially if you are repentant and she is forgiving!

I have been here a while, and you will see from my signature lines that MB does not have appeared to work for me....well my X wasn't willing. YOU ARE!!!!!!!!! And that is VERY good news for your marriage!

Now, did I say read, read, read? You gotta do your homework, but if you do, I am sure the two of you can work this out. Sadly my X would not do his homework, wasn't interested, but had he been, I really believe we would have had a chance.

Congratulations on taking responsibility for your actions too, A lot of people who stray NEVER get to that point.

Love and light,

Jacky

Welcome...glad you found this site and please read all the information here.

Your W sounds much like I was post d-day. I didn't know about MB then and I made it very hard on my H. I didn't believe ANYTHING he said. I checked up of anything and everything that I could. If I found anything which was in the least bit suspicious...I KNEW he was still hiding things from me...even if he wasn't.

I did what is called "Love busting" here all over the place. But, to be honest, even if I had known, I doubt that I would have had the strength or courage to do anything other then I did.

My H was WONDERFUL during this time. He let me into his private life in a manner which was amazing. He answered questions he really didn't want to answer. He accounted for all past actions and current ones. You sound much like him right now.

Being apart during this time is going to add a layer which is likely to make this even harder for you and your W. Is there anyway that the two of you can be together? Can she move to your location or can you get back to the states? Long distances marriages put a strain on a healthy marriage, I can't imagine doing any true rebuilding while the two of you are miles apart. jmho

Do whatever it is you must to deal with the military in cleaning up your record. You're not the first to get involved in this mess...and you won't be the last. I understand that it can vastly affect your career in a negative manner...I hope that you can work through this.

Continue your committment to your W and marriage. Empathize with the pain and sorrow your W is dealing with. Understand that her anger comes from a normal reaction to betrayal. She is fearful, she is hurting.

Continue being completely truthful with her. The strongest weapon you have in your power to weld is honesty. While being honest...be kind. Sometimes very hard to do. The more honest you are, the faster your W will find some security in trusting that all the lies are finished.

Open up your life to her. Allow her access to anything she feels she needs. (it does sound like you've already done this) Make sure that your actions are completely aboveboard so that nothing new will be added to the problem. Be sure that you've told her everything possible about past actions, so that something "new" doesn't blindside you both.

Good Luck!

ps...if you'll make breaks in your posts, they are much easier to read. Thanks!