If anyone can help me try to figure out how to get through all of this anger, resentment, pain I would really like feed back.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Wounded but still Breathing ]</small>

Wounded,
Welcome, sorry it's under such circumstances. Could you possibly give us more information, it will help others in posting to you.

I'm sorry you are here but you have come to the best place for support and there are many people here that are more than happy to lend a ear and a thought to you

Wounded, please give us your story! There are alot of people here who can help you! If you post here, that gives everyone the opportunity to help w/o you having to re-tell your story a hundred million times.

I am sorry you have to be going thru this, it is truly the worst thing that I have ever been thru, but the people here are truly a blessing.

Please tell us more...

(((((HUGS))))))

Baby

I'm new at the iternet, so if I put this in the wrong spot, I'm sorry.

My husband is in the military, while gone for 3 1/2 months he met a woman, they had relations. I knew something was up before he came home The end of July. About a week after he'd been home I found the name in his pocket. That night I called him at work asked and he told me 1 time. The following day he came home and I tried to be supportive, until I fould out more and more lies. The number of times kept going up. I was putzing with his cell and heard her call my H sweet-heart! I left to have time to cool off (At this point I wanted to kill him) Came back and he said he has to talk to her, after some much heated talkinf I let him have 10 minutes. After 15 I went to my locked Bedroom and demanded to be let in. Then I demanded to talk to her. That's when I found out the full truth (I hope) She stated that she might be pregnat(She isn't) I was trying to be civil to her, she didn't know he was married. Anyway they hung up and we have been working since. Last night I blew up again, yes I do feel like I have a right to be angry, but I need to control myself and discuss like a sane woman instead of a tiger. I have two beautiful kids to think about, ages almost 6 and almost4. And yes I love my H very much, but at the same time hate him. I need help!

Wounded ... you have absolutely every right to be furious! Honestly, I think you're acting much more polite about all this than I did. I hit my husband, threw things, broke things, called him every name in the book then made up some new ones... You could say I was a little upset <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It is going to take some serious time for you two to get thru this. I would strongly recommend counseling for the two of you. It is my opinion that if HE can't get to the root of the problem/issue that enabled him to justify the affair in his mind, then there is absolutely no guarantee that he won't do it again.

In the meantime, do some reading on this sight and check out some books .. Surviving an Affair is a good one.

Also, understand that EVERYTHING you are feeling is completely normal. You will be overcome with Anger, Sadness, Rage, Depression, Fear, Insecurity, Rage, Sadness.... (LOL! at least those are my personal faves.. rage and sadness, but everyone is different).

Hang in there, and post often! Feel free to email me anytime you want to chat. Altho, I'm still new at this and cannot possible offer you the wisdom that some of these oldtimers can.

(((Hugs)))

Baby.

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 04:40 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

I thank your input. He states that it was just sex, which just pisses me off. I keep asking, and he states he doesn't understand why. The problem is I don't either. I thought we had a normal marriage, yeah we were'nt perfect but I thought we were happy. Two beautiful kids, okay personal lives, open relationship, great friendship. It doesn't makes sense. This is not like him. I truley believe he is sorry. One part of me wants to coddle him, another wants to beat the living crap outta him till he's black and blue neding a tube to breathe. This is seriously not like me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Good Morning to you Wounded,

you have already made the first step in trying to control your emotions by asking for help. Its a difficult process and I still struggle with it daily...but I am winning and you can too.

Controlling the tidal waves of emotions can be just as difficult as the emotions themselves, but a lot more rewarding!

Anger is a dangerous tool, our own minds can be our very worst enemy at the best of times, but when anger is involved it can be darn right destructive, not only to ourselves , but to those around us. It will alienate you until it consumes you from within

Over the past few months I have come to learn , Anger is a complete waste of time and energy, energy that could be better spent on the healing process. I first lashed out at my husband. Wasnt the smartest thing I have ever done, it did work at that point for me, but it solved nothing, zippo and nada.

I first started by writing my emotions down in the form of letters. If something triggered a horrid memory, I allowed myself 3 minutes to think of it, then believe it or not I pinched myself ( I still do ... I am now down to 30 seconds)
I read everything and anything I could get my hands on to understand what was going on around me. Understanding your surroundings can alieviate a great deal of stress.

Another important thing I think I have done for myself is to try and live in the moment, not the past or the future, the moment I am in and try and deal that and only that.

The most important thing I have done for myself, is look after myself. A healthy body will help with a healthy mind.

Take care. I am thinking of you.

The problem is.. My H affair has brought up the past, I try my darnest not to think about it. My husband is the only one who know my past. It saddens him that he brought ou the demons in my closet, I can see it. He tries his darnest to be there, supportive, understanding, loving. I believe that he is a good man, and part of me thinks that he just screwed up another part is the anger, he knows that I would NEVER do anything like this (Unless Kenny Chesney walked in my front door LOL) I'm a very compassionate person always putting others in front of myself. But what do I get? Pooped on( All my life) How do I let it all go? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I have come to understand , how we react as adults, usually has a lot to do with our past, right down to our upbringings. Once you delve back and indentify the problem ( this can be very painful at times) Do it under councelling. Dealing with it and letting it go is a lot easier than holding onto it and letting it effect your whole life.

Wounded --

Thanks for giving us some of your story. The more we know, the more we can help.

Part of the fallout for the BS is this rage and railing against the WS; the "how could you do this to me and to our marriage" reaction. Be patient with yourself and realize that those angry feelings may be present for some time and will alternate with periods of sadness and deep depression. You have to give this time to run its course inside yourself. The grieving process, as with death, needs to go through the steps and stages so that we eventually can heal solidly.

He doesn't understand why he did this, but he can't be let off the hook that easily. Likewise, "it was just sex" doesn't do the job either. He and the two of you have to find the reason(s) for his totally unacceptable behavior. Something in the "climate" of your relationship or within him permitted this A to happen. It needs fixing now. How can you begin to recover and to trust him again if you're not sure that this could ever happen again? You need reassurance and you need to see and feel that he's working on the problem right along with you.

I'm encouraged to read that he is sorry for what he's done, the damage he's inflicted. Has he said those words? His contrition would go a long way towards your healing. Baby Blue has good suggestions; counseling is a wise place to start. You need professional guidance and direction and help to navigate this very rocky road.

"This is seriously not like me" is another common characteristic of the severe emotional and physical shock caused by an A. In a sense, we become someone else, another person, often raging or crying or short of temper, not like us at all. Often part of the pattern of BS reaction and very normal.

I'm sorry for the pain that you're going through. Your two young children need you and H to love them all the more and give them extra hugs. They know more than we give them credit for. Post again and keep us in the loop. Better to vent and rage here than at your H. We're very good at listening...

Ammon

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

You are in the right spot and you are doing fine with the responses from all of these good members.

Contacting moderators is only necessary when problems arise. Technical or otherwise.

OneGoing.

The day that I started this I was just curious, but actually telling someone, getting it down and not feeling like I was being judged by someone else felt great. Later that evening I spoke with my H and for the first time I felt a little better. He still states that it was just a piece of *#@ but I'm still trying to figure out why he did what he did. He states the same, that he doesn't understand why he kept going back. I know he was away from home(military reasons) for over 3 months, he was lonely, but he has also changed somewhat. He started going to bars, drinking. While he doesn't do that here he did it there. I'm still confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />