Not sure where to start. Feel uneasy!
I'll just start with the story.
Just found out my husband has been having an affair with a coworker for the last 2 years(or more if he is not being honest!What a joke that is) We have been together for 16 years(lived together first for five)He was my first and only true love. He (supposedly!!) ended it a about a year and a half ago and the woman is scorned and continued to pursue him with threats of calling me(which is what she ultimately did! or should I say had others do for her and then denied involvement. They were quite hurtful about it as well)My husband denied it initially; Of Course! but after a couple of phone calls within two days, finally came clean. The woman wanted more than he was willing to give apparently and sexually harassed him for a year or so(so he claims, although spoke with her briefly and she does not sound like she is playing with a full deck) She also threatened his position in the company as she has quite a bit of clout(so to speak, without going into too much detail)Anyway, I am beside myself. Hurt and lack of self-esteem does not even begin to express what I am feeling. I truly trusted my husband with all my heart. We have had marital problems for the past couple of years before the affair began and during, and I asked him to work on these issues or get a divorce. He refused the divorce claiming that he could not live without me(very sincerely I might add)HOwever, neither one of us pursued counseling as we had discussed(other factors, such as being unable to have a child(my problem for health reasons), finances, the whole bit. Also, my husband has difficulty with communication, but other than that, has been a wonderful husband all of these years(more attentive than most) to my needs and we were best friends. Not only do I feel that my love has betrayed me, but I feel like I lost my best friend. I go back and forth with anger, hurt, sense of loss, depression, and confusion. He begs forgiveness (tears, the whole bit)and claims he loves me more than anything and never wanted to hurt me. A part of me believes he truly does still love me (I see the pain he feels because of the pain that he has caused me!)I want so badly to trust in him and be together, but I cannot get past the anger and the trust issue, and although we have sought counseling, I am not completely convinced it will work. I have many friends and family (who actually adore my husband) sending me mixed signals. Some say to walk away and move on with life (easier said than done, He was my life!), and others want us to work at it (We were the perfect couple!! or so it seemed) I feel ashamed for what he did to me and ashamed for not knowing, and ashamed for still speaking to him after what he did. I am afraid to live life without him and afraid to live my life with him for fear that he may hurt me again, and I know that I coud not emotionally handle it again. If anyone has any advice (or had similar situation), please give me a little feedback. It would be nice to hear from someone not emotionally involved (outsider looking in so to speak) Please help! Living in Limbo!!

dhr,
Hello! You are not alone! I found out my H was having an A from the OW who has offered any and all help she can give including video tapes of the sex if I decide to divorce him. I am so angry, betrayed, confused and just miserable. To make matters worse, I guess OW is mad because I have not filed for divorce yet (it has been three weeks) and she (or someone she knows) broke into my house Monday and trashed my room, leaving all of the letters and emails my H sent her scattered everywhere. Pissed does not even begin to cover how I feel.

My H is also giving me the tears and apologies. Telling me he was confused and that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence. She too told him she would ruin him if he tried to leave her, and she is working on it.

Try to hang in there. I know it sounds like the worst advice, but Ido love my H and I do want to be happy. I also want to make the best decision, and that will take me assessing this situation with a clear head which is not what I have right now. Keep posting here, get the books, and read the info on the site.

I know this is difficult, I am living it right now. Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are definetely not alone! My story, was in some ways similar to yours; my H had an affair with a woman for a year and a half (before during and after my pregnancy) then after she couldn't stand playing second best she called my house (well, had someone else to do it) Eventually, when the whistle was blown she called my house and, talked as if she was completely crazy. But when you are totally devasted like that, you listen to every detail hoping to hear a clue as to WHY they did what they did. And yes, I too felt so ashamed for what he did!! You take on this enourmous guilt. Reading your post gave me chills and made want to cry. I know your pain all too well. It has now been two years since his affair and the pain is still there. I don't think I will ever get past this. I struggle through every single day. You just want a since a security after you find out, and it doesn't seem to ever come. I still doubt everything he tells me. I am still so confused on should I stay or should I leave. We constantly argue about it, because he feels as if I should get over it. And it's not that easy, he doesn't realize how much this has changed my life. The haunting never goes away. We didn't get counseling as he promised we would and that probably was the biggest mistake. Please go get counseling. If not together then by yourself (pastor, therapist, peer group) something, anything!!! Because the hurt, anger, resent, depression, feelings of wanting revenge, low self esteem, total devastation (and so much more) doesn't go away or get better with time. Please write back if you just want to talk to someone who has been there.

I am sorry you are going through this, but glad you found this place. Read lots...and listen to the wise veterans.

One thing I wanted to say, that I noticed on dhr and spring3's posts...I know it is hard to think straight, sometimes still is for me...but you have nothing to be ashamed of!!!! Your WH chose to do this...you had no choice...of the many emotions you are going through right now, guilt should not be one of them.

DHR,

I too welcome you to MB. I hope you are reading all that you can on this website. There are kind, wonderful, understanding people here that know exactly how you feel. I am so sorry that this has happened to you too.

There are a couple of Harley books I'd like to recommend. Surviving An Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, and Give & Take.

This is such a terrible shock; but I think it's important to give your marriage every chance of surviving. The affair needs to be processed properly so that you can get beyond it.

This board is full of stories of people who don't process and just let time slip by. They take their pain with them as a result.

Read, post, journal, exercise do any and everything you can think that will help you deal with the pain in a positive way. The rollercoaster of feelings you have will be with you for some time. I remember when I was new; I can't believe how far I've come.

According to Steve Harley, most marriages survive infidelity. You have alot invested in this man, and your marriage. I hope you give it your best shot. It sounds like he feels real remorse for his actions and wants to save your marriage. You're already ahead of alot of people who post here.

Take care, and let us know how you're doing! Blessings, CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by spring3:
<strong>You are definetely not alone! My story, was in some ways similar to yours; my H had an affair with a woman for a year and a half (before during and after my pregnancy) then after she couldn't stand playing second best she called my house (well, had someone else to do it) Eventually, when the whistle was blown she called my house and, talked as if she was completely crazy. But when you are totally devasted like that, you listen to every detail hoping to hear a clue as to WHY they did what they did. And yes, I too felt so ashamed for what he did!! You take on this enourmous guilt. Reading your post gave me chills and made want to cry. I know your pain all too well. It has now been two years since his affair and the pain is still there. I don't think I will ever get past this. I struggle through every single day. You just want a since a security after you find out, and it doesn't seem to ever come. I still doubt everything he tells me. I am still so confused on should I stay or should I leave. We constantly argue about it, because he feels as if I should get over it. And it's not that easy, he doesn't realize how much this has changed my life. The haunting never goes away. We didn't get counseling as he promised we would and that probably was the biggest mistake. Please go get counseling. If not together then by yourself (pastor, therapist, peer group) something, anything!!! Because the hurt, anger, resent, depression, feelings of wanting revenge, low self esteem, total devastation (and so much more) doesn't go away or get better with time. Please write back if you just want to talk to someone who has been there.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi

Welcome to MB. There is not much more i can add to what has already been said. This is a very confusing and emotional time, you need time to process what has happened.

If H will not go to counseling, I suggest for you own peace of mind, to go to counseling for yourself, especially if you are having troubles moving forward. By moving forward, I mean for yourself, regardless of your decision for your M. I also suggest, and I got this from one of the books written by Dr. Harley, and many others out here have also suggested it, dont' make any major decisions for about 6 months. Now, this is an average time frame that it takes to be able to make a decisions that you know is right. For some, it takes less time, and for others it takes more time. You will know the right decision when the time comes.

Ask yourself, do you love your H? Do you want a divorce? Those are two questions I eventually asked myself. The answers to those, is why I am still in my M today.

Now, I am going to tell you a little bit about my background and story, and I hope this helps you. About 7 years ago, my H (before he was my H) cheated on me and left me. We had two small children by this time. We were one month away from getting married (or so I thought). Eventually, we got back together. We never resolved the issues of the A. I really thougth I could make it work with this issue unresolved. We have been married for 5 years. For most of those 5 years, I have been very angry with him. I didnt' realize I was angry. I thought I was being quite pleasant, considering, I didnt' totally trust him. I scrutinized his every move. Well, guess what, the A is back on, with the same person. It is possible it never ended, then again, it is possible that she was just willing and waiting for him to be unhappy with me. After all, who wants to live with an angry woman daily? After I realized that I had to lose the anger, which I did, I have seen some improvement in my M.

So, make sure you resolve the unsettled issues, even if it is within yourself. For myself, I had to come to an acceptance that I will never get him to discuss the past issue and work on them. Once I accepted that, I was able to move forward. Now , I have to work on the current issues. One step at at time.

Take care

Spring: Read SAA. Then read through TA, WITH YOUR HUSBAND TA will show you and your H why you are not "over it", and help you get "over it". See below for what SAA and TA are.

dhr:
1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

<small>[ January 08, 2003, 02:03 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 yrs. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, whom I try so desperately to get to know. I have a 5 year old and we have a 9 month old. We had the best relationship until I started to become insecure about his ex - he said he didn't love her nor was he attracted to her & that he only stayed for the kids but I am plagued with questions. I just found out that he has been having an email affair with a co-worker for about a month. I am so hurt. I have given him the sun, moon & stars to make this work. He says he isn't attracted to her & would never have acted on it - that it was only a game for an ego boost - can I ever trust him again, or is this a deal breaker? We have an amazing sex life & communicate all the time - I feel like such a fool that he has lied to me for the past month - that he has told me he loves me - that we've made love with this secret between us - is this worth salvaging?

dhr - ditto Sue and the others

Believe it or not, count your blessings. Get to work with your willing H. Many here would give anything for what he's doing.

fluttergirl, post your story separately to get better responses.

Both of you, see the link in my sig line.