I have moved this topic from emotional needs forum.
I need to vent out my feelings now, this moment is an absolute bottom of my life.

Here is my short story: I have known my wife for 14 years, married almost 10. We both are recent immigrants to Canada(5years). Before coming to Canada I used to work as an engineer on the ocean going vessels(away from home for months at a time, suffering mightily to build future for our family).
Last january my wife told me that she is no longer in love with me. We started marriage counselling, i realized many mistakes we both had made. Also I found this web site and have been frequent visitor. At the end of April my wife decided to separate froom me(I think marriage counsellor helped here). So we separated, but stayed in touch most of the time, after a month I moved in back. We ent for a week holiday together the same month, we were working on our marriage. Next two months were quite nice and I thought we were going in a good direction, but at the end of september she said she wants to separate again, and is contemplating divorce. I wanted to only separate, she wanted divorce, we separated. In the meantime she had my support, finances etc. Simply I have been in plan A since.
At the time she told me about wanting to separate, I have found out that she had EA(I do not know about PA) at the time when we were "working on marriage". When I confronted her said it was over and did not mean much and had no future. I believed, I asked her if there was anyone else, she said no. Months were going by, her living with her friend and me in our house. Sometimes we met, mostly just technical stuff-finances,car repairs etc. At all times I was trying to be calm and helpful. Before Christmas, we had a little fight and we did not talk until dec 26(I was on a business trip for 2 weeks anyways). On New Years Eve we had a dinner together, but she celebrated with someone else, friends. Next day she was sick, I helped her with food, and pills, was around her all day long. The next day she had an appointment out of town, where I drove her, spent night together(split beds)in a hotel, went a little shopping etc. We talked a lot about us, she thinks it would be good if we start living together again, we should move to another city etc. She was simply contenplating return. The following day she told me she was flying with her girfriend to a city where her girfriends daughter lived. I was upset at first, told her that I can see that she is organizing her life without me and I am no longer important, she said it is no true etc. She said that she just wants to experience how it is without me, if she misses me there. So I drove her to airprort, we hugged and kissed(first time since august). Today I woke up with feeling that she is coming around.
Until- I managed to crack her password on her web based e-mail account. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I found out that she is having an affair(sexual) with someone from town since mid november. It made me physically sick to read the whole stuff. What is worse, I found out she had an affair with a friend years ago when I was at sea. And now I do not know what to do? Keeping on observing and confront later? Let the affair die out naturally? Plan B? Cut finances? Divorce?The worst thing is she gave me so much hope yesterday. I really do not know if I can look in her eyes now. I am going away for three weeks to visit my sister, so I will not see my wife till the end of january. She is moving in to our house in the meantime. From the e-mail I can see it is just sex, OM has a gilfriend or wife. Shall I tell her? My heart hurts so much. But I still love my wife. Please help me!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I read through the bottom of your post with the email. I have a similiar situation with a potential cheating wife.

I confronted when I found out and felt much better. I asked her about other men and denied it. Until I told what I found, she was completely lying to me. After several days, I found her to be more honest with me but lying some still. Bringing out to the open helped me heal rather than keep it inside. I approached my Therapist before making this decision and some friends. She refuses to stop talking to this other man althought nothing happened. All I can do is pray and hope that she stays faithful to me.

(((((Hug)))))
I am not qualified to give you advice, I would only suggest you refrain from any major moves without thinking them out- please give yourself at least a day if you can't stand the current situation until you come back.

Speaking for myself despite my gut feelings my H confession was such a big shock to me I wanted immediately to turn back and literally run away from pain, WITHOUT thinking how badly it would affect our children. My self esteem was in shreds,the pain is still big, this site helped me with some ideas, I found patience, still have some hope, I do feel stronger and better now, even though my M is not in recovery.

You'll probably get differing opinions re : snooping and confronting. If you decide to gather "evidence" you'll probably won't confront soon, if you love your W and want to work on your M it's going to be single handed effort in Plan A initially, no matter what you decide to do right away.

Don't beat yourself up for your W choices. I know it feels bad realizing you did contribute to current situation but remember you can't make your W act to your liking. It is her will.

After my D-day I decided to do my best NOT to do anything I would be later ashamed of. To say what I mean, ask for what I want, just not too often. Show love and care but no smothering. Concentrate on myself and kids and let H decide. To grow stronger in the meantime so I can deal with either outcome.

I guess the stronger, more "right" you feel the shorter Plan A is.

FBOW

Thank you very much for the responses. I guess I can try to fall asleep now. It is a huge shock but I will have to rebound, sooner or later. With help from fellow MB'rs it is going to be sooner.