I was looking for advice about my wife's planned affair.

I found email's of my wife's talking to another man outside the us. This was a progressive emotional affair that led to a planned sexual encounter. When I found out about this and confronted her on xmas day, I was devasted and felt so betrayed. I also found out they had been writing love letters and communicating by phone.
Although nothing has happened yet. I know she talks to him and refuses to stop talking to him. She says she will not sleep with him, but she still remains sexually curious about sleeping with another man. Help!!

Well my wife also had a internet affair. She was sexually curious as well. On a trip to see relitives out of the U.S. she went to stay with him for 2 weeks and had unprotected sex with him the first night she was there and every night after.

I found out alot about my wife. She is not the person i thought she was and its really sad. We are still toghether, she was expecting sex with the OM to be great and sweep her off her feet (wife was a virgin) well it wasnt what she expected and the sex was very dissapointing but meeting him was the best part.

All i can say is your lucky you found out about the affair went physical, it is the worst feeling in the world to have the one person in your throw you away and lie to you for so long (EA lasted 8 months/ PA 2 weeks). One of the worst parts of all this is that it has changed me forever and I will not even think twice about cheating on my wife now and i never even had one thought about other women before. Weird thing is she has always been very jelouse and felt insecure. You just never can tell who you trust your life with.

I would demand that your wife never even think of this man let alone contact him in any way. Your wife is able to sleep with other men while she is married to you which makes her an idiot. Be prepared to never see her as a wife again

You have some real major problems here. First, she must cut off all contact with her male friend and immediately both of you go into marriage counseling. She is sexually communicating with this man and then tells you she is sexually curious about being with another man? She has already emotionally betrayed you so it is quite easy to believe if the opportunity arises she will cheat on you. Get into counseling now or it will be a matter of time until she physically cheats on you with another man. You need to show that there are consequences to emotionally cheating on you with another man. If she refuses contact and counseling then you need to contact an attorney just to be able to protect your interests. If you look the other way and allow her to emotionally cheat on you then you are enabling her to destroy your marriage. If she wishes to act like a single woman then make sure she understands the consequences to her actions.
I wish you luck.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Be nice to her. Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have her like you, and reconcile with you if you are nice to her.
3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and W if she will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

6. Read WAT's Guide ( linked below) It will give you insight into how she is acting, and some things you should expect.
Wat's Guide

Hope this helps some. Let us know how things are going.

SS

<small>[ January 08, 2003, 01:44 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Bog:

Gee whiz!

"One of the worst parts of all this is that it has changed me forever and I will not even think twice about cheating on my wife now and i never even had one thought about other women before."

REALLY? Have you learned nothing? MOST BSs react differently upon learning of their spouse's A. Having a "revenge A" is the only thing worse than the original A, in the view of many people. It certainly won't accomplish anything positive.

"I would demand that your wife never even think of this man let alone contact him in any way."

And making this kind of demand would get you nothing.

"Your wife is able to sleep with other men while she is married to you which makes her an idiot."

This makes no sense.

"Be prepared to never see her as a wife again"

Not very helpful advice. Okay, Bog, let me ask you a hypothetical question: What would you say to your W, or to net betrayal's W, if they were the originators of this thread? Would you help, or would you hurt?

Net,
Tough situation here. Reminds me of me and my WW. You can't make her stop. You CAN make yourself an attractive enough option she WANTS to give up OM.

BryanP and Still Seeking are right on in their posts. Counseling and at this point PlanA are your best bet.

Having a "revenge A" is the only thing worse than the original A, in the view of many people.

This I don't agree with. An A is an A no matter what. I had revenge A. It was nothing like her A.
But it wasn't, by any stretch of imagination, worse.

"This makes no sense. "

"Be prepared to never see her as a wife again"

He's right it doesn't make any sense. You should be preparing yourself to accept your wife flaws and all.

JMHO

I've dealt with a similar problem in my marriage with my husband, who was involved in internet porn, cybersex, phone sex and webcamming. It's very difficult but not impossible to work through an online affair if both parties are willing to work on specific issues like trust, communication and intimacy within your relationship. I moderate an online support group that you may want to consider joining at http://www.bustedyouonline.com/discussiongroup.htm

Where to start? First she must stop all communication with her online friend. You both need to enter marital counselling immediately. I highly recommend the Harley's. The first issue to work on is trust. Some of the things we did was my H was to make no purchases without providing me a receipt-no cash went unaccounted for. He used phone cards you buy at the grocery store to call OW. We read His Needs, Her Needs. I also installed spy software on our home PC ad I can turn it on or off whenever I needed to. Actually, I suspected something was going on and the software helped me gather the clues.

I do not think Bog's suggestion of having a revenge affair is a good idea if you want to keep your marriage intact. Still seeking amd Bryan P offered you some good advice and WAT's Guide is a must read. Be careful about hw much you snoop though. It can be harmful and it's a fine line we walk as betrayed spouses on how much to snoop.

thank you all for the replies. It helps just to vent all these emotions.

Well for some reason the man stopped emailing her for now. He said his daughter broke her leg. Can you believe this guy has a family of his own? Married with 2 daughters with web sites acting like a sex freak. My wife doesn't seem to care about that b/c he has already worked her emotionally, meeting her emotional needs. She continues to persue him checking her email several times a day. Since she thinks he may not respond, she has been looking for love in other forums. She has told me before that she feels lonely sometimes even when she is with me. I try to converse with her but it seems that she doesn't care. I don't know what else to do to make her feel not lonely.
She has taken a step forward by reading his needs/her needs slowly as well as myself. But it seems like she may continue to search for other love online. I can only hope this is an online thing and will fade away once I become emotionally attractive to her.

How old is your wife, and what was her family life like?

My wife is 27, been married for 5 years.
One of the reasons I loved her so much and fell in love with her b/c she was so loyal and faithful to me. Or at least I thought. Her family was Christian and seemed to come from a loving family. Her Mom has been divorced 2 times and has cheated on her husbands. My wife has made the comment that I think that she is just like her mother wanting to cheat on me but being sarcastic of course. I want to believe so bad and I think I do since she has not had a physical affair. But she still seems to be searching for love, hoping just cyberlove.
She said she loves me but is not in love with me right now. We are planning to get remarried in a few months and said she will be faithful and commmitted to me. But I just don't know if I believe her from information I am still finding.

I believe you would be very foolish to remarry her. She has all but told you that in the future she may cheat on you because she feels she is like her mother and is obsessed with the OM. I am afraid that you are in a deep fog. It is your future and it seems you are willing to endure all sorts of pain.

thanks bryanp for the response.
I may have not worded being like her mother correctly.
she said that b/c she thought that's what I was thinking. Her tone was stating that she was not like her mother. she said that she wanted to sleep with another man when all this was happening. But now, she said she will be faithful and committed to me. She not the type to sleep around but would have previously b/c of our faultering relationship and this man meeting her emotional needs, something that I was not providing. I have read his needs/her needs and following the advice of meeting women's emotional need. something that I was not fully aware of. One of the statements said, after an affair (this one was an EA), for the wife as soon as the spouse meets her needs, the thoughts of the other man begin to fade.
On top of that she is also preoccupied with school again and has little time. I think she is still chatting with pen pals interenationally and flirts. But I am hoping this fades too.
I have given her nothing but love, respect, and care something that I should have gave her more of but I was ignorant of just how much. We are going on vacation but not sure of getting remarried. I will let her decide and see how things go if she falls back in love with me.
thanks for you support.

T-Zero-

Come to reality my friend. If one person's advise is not that of yours or Marriage Builders...Deal with it. If there is someone that says "Be Prepared for her not to be your wife again"...so be it. If they say..."If she is willing to sleep with another man while they are married... they are a fool"---HE/SHE IS RIGHT.

There is no excuse...period. When will all of us WAKE UP AND REALIZE THIS?

Yes, I do believe the MB priciple of "Us BS created an environment in which it was possible"

Absolutely! We were not meeting their EN's...

But has anybody thought of this prospect that is looming...

A) The Wayward Spouse wasn't meeting any EN's either and they think their SH!@# don't stink.
They think that they somehow have still "Got it" and the BS has "Lost It"--Yet their stunned spouse has had plenty of opportunities and they weathered the storm.

OR

B) That the Betrayed Spouse could have been "The Pope" or "Mother Thresasa" and the Wayward would have acted on selfish motives anyway? Sometimes (And this is just a guess) just sometimes affairs are purely S-E-L-F-I-S-H??? Could it be???

Maybe its a problem that they have that has nothing to so with you!

Be tough BS!