Hello
Any advice would be greatly appeciated here. I started plan A now for about 2 weeks. My husband and I are now quite friendly but there is no intimacy. No hand holding no kisses no nothing. We were sleeping in separate beds for awhile but I invited him back to our bed. However he sleeps so far on the other side. During the days and nights we get along great sometimes I think he wants to kiss me but he doesn't and I do catch him looking at me once in awhile. The contact with the ow has not stopped. As I mentioned in my other emails there is no way they can see eachother. He said he was going to end things with her and work on our marriage but I know he has not completely cut things off. I know there has been a few calls to her and she sends him emails all the time. He does not write her back but he does save all her emails. When I read her emails to him I get the distinct feeling he is pulling away from her as she seems desparate at times. Saying things like dont ever give up on our love and if he shuts her out she will show up one day on our doorstep and make him see her. The affair was physical and only lasted a week. A month has passed since the affair. He is still in the fog but I feel him slowly coming back to me. Any advice on the intimacy issues? It is so hard for me to be with him and not kiss him. I am waiting for him to make the moves but it is just not happening.

Hurt --

Just want you to know that someone out there has read your post and that I hear your pain and confusion.

Recovery in your marriage is virtually impossible until contact with the OW stops completely--and then it will still take time for the two of you to regroup. I'm encouraged to read that you're feeling and seeing some positive things from H. Even though it was a PA, there may still be some degree of emotional attachment for him, so as a result you are seeing his hesitancy in some areas.

Must run but I'll be back on in a couple of hours. Meantime, your Plan A is an excellent move for you, for your H, and for your relationship. I'm pulling for you...

Ammon

Dear Hurt,

I am in the same place as you. Unsure about H contact with other woman. As much as they tell you they want to work on your marriage you have doubts. I have made a decision not to try to find out about the other woman and to not let my H take away my power. Maybe for a while you shouldn't read the email she sends, try to cut that part out and work on the possitive things you see happening. If you think your H wants to kiss you or hug you, make the first move if you can. He may be afraid of making you angry. Also try not to neglect yourself, set one small goal everyday that's just for you, it really takes you away from it all for awhile. For me I started walking for you it might be a good soak in the tub,so long as it's just for you. I hope you feel better at least knowing there are people here who care how you are and want to help you get thru the day.

Thank you for the advice. I know I need to have more patience with this all but it is so hard. I just want my husband back. Not this alien in his place. I am getting out in the world going to the gym again and I am going to take a class as well. I need to do things for myself. I have one other concern. The ow said in one of her emails that she may show up at our door one day. I am afraid of this. If this happens it may throw all our hard work out the window? Any advice?

Hurt --

It's a very good thing that you are doing things for yourself. A large part of the Plan A philosophy is that the BS work on themselves so that no matter which way the wind blows the BS emerges a better person.

OW-on-the-doorstep: Easy to handle. You and H answer the door together and HE tells her (with you by his side) that he has recommitted to you and to your relationship, that he wants nothing more to do with her ever, and that she is never to contact us again. A united front will dispel any false hopes. Any potential visit would be undermined by his NC letter to her which the two of you could sign. I doubt that she will be so foolishly bold as to carry out her threat, but I guess it's possible.

"Slow and steady wins the race." No rush here; kisses and intimacy will be a natural outgrowth of reestablished stability and comfort for you both. No schedules or timetables. You and H need to "feel close" before you can "be close."

You'd like some reassurances now and you deserve them, but you will have to be patient. An A is an addiction and, as with any substance abuse, withdrawal is part of the process. He may not yet be able to give you what you want from him, but he absolutely has to want to give them to you. It's a primary goal for your relationship recovery.

H has got to want to do this thing right from here on in. If indeed H is still in The Fog, he's not going to be able to do it right. Saving her emails doesn't do it. Phoning her or accepting her calls doesn't do it. Cold Turkey is on the menu from today on. A NC (No Contact) letter is a critical step toward healing for you both. There are examples right here on this site.

I wish you well. You have chosen the right path but it is by far the more difficult one. Much harder to salvage a marriage in trouble than to turn one's back and walk away. But it is the right and ultimately the best thing to do. We're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon
Thank you so much for your advice. One day at a time is what I am trying to do. I am going to discuss the NC issue with my husband. Nicely no arguements. It has been 2 weeks since he told me he would have NC. I guess I was trying to give him the time to do it. We have a house guest so we have not had much time for discussion but we will be alone tonight. Wish me luck. I am trying to stay positive.