I just needed to vent today. I had a talk with hubby last night about how he was feeling and how he thought things were going between us. He said he thought things were going well but didn't give me too much. I told him how I thought things had been progressing but that I thought we needed to go further and I felt like we have hit a stop in the road. I told him I missed his touch and how he used to hold me. We ended the conversation nicely and I hugged him this time he held me tight and he kissed me on the neck. I wanted to tell him I knew that he had not cut contact with the ow but I was afraid of an agruement so I saacrificed my own feelings. This morning I read an email he sent to her just yesturday afternoon. I know I should not read them but I feel like I need to know what is going on to protect myself. He was going on about how he missed her and told her all the things that reminded him of her and how much he missed her. At the end her told her he would love her till the day he died. It made me sick. When will this end. Why cant he see me and what we had and what we can still have. For fear of the conversation I wrote him an email. I told him I knew that he was still in contact with her (because I saw a phone card fall out of his walletthe other day) He does not know I have access to the email. I told him that it would be important to our marriage for him to have NC with her. He told me he was going to cut contact 2 weeks ago. (yeh right!) Why cant he see the light. I dont know how long I can wait. When will he see the light? Will he ever see the light? There is no way they can see eachother why doesnt he just give up. Why is he doing this to me. I just want to run away right now. I know I have to be strong but it is so hard. Help

Dear hurt,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is the worst thing that you can ever experience. You mentioned that there is no way that they can see each other. Was this an EA? Regardless, I have been in your shoes with checking e-mails. It is soooooo painful to read words like that from YOUR H to another woman. I feel your pain. Are you on anti-D? I would suggest it seriously to assist you in getting through this stage.

Another thing that I can tell you is that you need to be in Plan A and that NC will NOT happen on your terms. I struggled with that for a year. I wanted it soooo bad and could not see why my WH did not see that it was the best thing that he could do. He did it in his own time. He was in a fog for a very long time and he slowly came out of it on his own time. That hurt. I was emotionally preparing for Plan B. I couldn't take it anymore.

Last night, he looked at me and told me that I looked much better. That the color was returning to my face and that I didn't have the dark circles under my eyes and the gloom and doom look on my face. I wanted to SCREAM.....if you saw me deteriorating in front of your face, how could you do it?????? I didn't say that. I just smiled at him and thought of how much I love him.

Hang in there and check in here for support. God Bless!

Hi Only U can

Thanks for the advice. My husband had a PA with the ow while on a 5 week business trip. By my calculations the PA happened the last week of his trip. It is now an EA only as she is in another country far away and she is going to move even further in a month. In the emails there is no mention of plans to see eachother. She just keeps saying she knows it will be a very long time before they see eachother again. I am just so frustrated. I too am deteriorating in front of his eyes. I take St Johns wort which helps as I dont want to go the other route just yet. I hae lost around 15 pound and I am as white as a ghost. The other day he made a snarky remark that I dont eat enought so I guess he noticed that I have lost weight. That was it though. It has only been 6 weeks since the affair and I know I have to be patient but once I think things are going good I hit a road block. I love him with all my heart, otherwise I would never put myself through this. I know I cant make him end it I am just frustrated. I know I deserve better and I think I should just leave but I cant and I want to say I at least gave this a 100% I dont know if I can wait a year though. One day at a time right. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel

Any more advice out there

bump

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Thanks for the advice
AAHHHHHHHH I just got off the phone with my dear hubby. He read my email and blatently lied and told me he has had no contact with her at all. He says he told her that he was working on his marriage. He said I dont have to believe him. I dont because I know he is lying. He has emailed her at least 2 times and called 2 times. I know cause I have the password to his email. He just emailed her yesturday. How can he just lie like that. Then he went on about planning a trip together. The nerve. I guess I have to laugh.

I almost didn't reply to this...as I'm not one of the best one for MB advice when an affair is on-going. But decided, I'd give you my NON-MB reaction to your post, as I'm sure you'll get plenty of MB guideline advice from others who are much more knowledgeable then I.

I didn't know about MB when I discovered my H's affair, and it was a long time after we began our recovery before I found MB. I didn't follow any of the normal MB guidelines after d-day, nor would I have followed them if I had known about them if my H had continued his affair.

I was completely honest with my H about every bit of my snooping. Even when there was nothing to find. I asked for (ok demanded) his passwords and his honesty if he wanted to stay married to me. I made no effort to give him any reason to believe that I would stay in our marriage if he was going to continue in his affair in anyway. It was a "her or me" situation...I will not knowingly share!

In fact...just yesterday I had to "confess" to my H that I snooped. Something raised my suspicion...so I checked. I haven't felt the need to do this in a long time, but I did yesterday. Told H what I had done, why I did it and how I felt. (Nothing came of my suspicion...I was wrong.) It is my feeling that I can't expect honesty from him...if I don't practice it myself.

So, my experience is just that...mine! If I had been in your position, I'd forward every email I found into my mailbox or a new one I would create for just this type of crap. I would then print out each one...highlight all these hurtful words, and the dates...and I'd give them to my H...with his packed bags attached and the door wide open.

And that's not following MB guidelines.

Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, my experience is just that...mine! If I had been in your position, I'd forward every email I found into my mailbox or a new one I would create for just this type of crap. I would then print out each one...highlight all these hurtful words, and the dates...and I'd give them to my H...with his packed bags attached and the door wide open. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I don't know, sounds like the beginning of Plan B to me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> People here forget that Harley says Plan A shouldn't usually last more than about 3 weeks if a woman is doing it...

Of course, to be a good Plan B start, you would also have to attach a letter stating that you were ready to work on the marriage as soon as he cuts off all contact w/ the OW, and is willing to demonstrate and guarantee (email & voicemail passwords, etc.) it AND commit to working on the marriage. Until then, you would not contact him nor accept any communication from him, and he could arrange kid visits through some third party.

Personally, I would "CC" the OW and her husband, if she is married, as well as your parents and in-laws, and probably his boss if she is his subordinate. Realizing that in the state in which I live, that would get him fired most places. I know this all sounds vindictive, but it's simply about bringing reality to bear on a fantasy. Harley repeatedly says: "Affairs do not do well in daylight."

John...thanks for the laugh! And I thought I was a hard-liner if the affair was on-going. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree with the other posters. I did Plan A for far too long. There were so many EA's though, that each day, I was starting Plan A over. It was a mess and now I am a mess! I should have gone to Plan B long before I even was contemplating it. This is my 2nd marriage and I am truly in love with this man. I let him treat me like a doormat for far too long. He blatantly lied to me each and every day. Never once gave up information on his own. I had to find it all on my own and "sometimes" he would come clean. Mostly in the end. It's a terrible life to live. Even if you tell him, he will create another e-mail account. Good luck and keep reading. My prayers will be with you.

Wifey: Well, I consider my wife's affair to have been like her letting her lover rape me. If you believe what the Bible says about us being one flesh and our bodies belonging to our spouse, then what else would you call it when someone has sex with "your body" against your will? Not to mention that a few posters here who have had both experiences have said that their H's affair was more traumatic for them than actually being raped.

Secondly, Bill Harley has said repeatedly on his radio show about who to tell in going to Plan B if Plan A fails, he almost thinks it should be on the nightly news. And, he lives in the same state as I, where in many workplace affairs, if the affairees are in a reporting position, they will both be fired, or at least the one in the higher position, because the law in this state assumes sexual harrassment has occured in that situation. The accused has to PROVE that it did not. Most companies are aware of this and are aware of their own liability if they enable the behavior in any way.

Then there is the practical aspect that I was not financially dependent on my wife, even though I was a househusband, because I could have returned to my old job at any time with about 1 day's notice. The other practical aspect is that I knew darn well that much of what I was doing for my wife was unappreciated, but would be SORELY missed. What I didn't know, since I didn't know and EN from an IQ, was that I was doing a great job with 7 (SEVEN!!!) of my wife's emotional needs. Unfortuneatly, I was doing a non-existent job on her top two. Guess which EN's the OM was filling? Duh! We are a walking example of Harley's observation that "in most cases where there is an affair, the OP is meeting one of the top two EN's of the WS."

Then there is the third practical aspect. I am what our MC classifies as a "pleaser". The actions I describe would be out of character for me. It is sometimes VERY advantageous to do the unexpected when dealing with a cheating spouse. If I was generally a controlling person, those kinds of actions would be percieved to be more of the same by my WS, which would probably be one of the reasons my WS was having an affair in the first place. So that would not be a good tactic if I had any desire to save the marriage. As a pleaser, that kind of thing would have been a GIANT wake-up call to my FWW, and any negative reaction probably would have been muted because of the shock value.

It is true that the actions I suggested would/will probably be perceived as vindictive, which does not exactly encourage the WS toward reconciliation, but I really wouldn't want to stay married to someone who would not stop an affair after it had been discovered. And I sure as he!! wouldn't let people think it might have been something I did. I had a hard enough time deciding to stay married to someone who decided to end the affair by confessing to me out of the blue, because she felt guilty, and believed God told her it was the right thing to do.

John, it's just nice to know I'm not alone. I've so often soft peddled my replies or just chose not to reply at all to those who are suffering with an on-going affair. Since I didn't have to experience this, I felt that maybe my POV wasn't very helpful.

I've tried to stay within the guidelines of MB...as I pretty much figured that most posters were here because they choose to try and follow them. It's a type of "respect the site", I guess.

But there seems have been a few posters in the last couple of days where I just had to state my opinion...and sadly, that leads to a little harshness at times.

Maybe if I'd been actually faced with a WS who wasn't willing to end the affair immediately things wouldn't have gone the way I tend to think now. As we all know...what we think we would do and what we would actually do are often miles apart.

But, I can't see me ever sharing my H knowingly. I honestly don't think I'd have the courage or strength or maybe just the depth of love that some of the posters here have.

I think an on-going affair while I tried to work on my marriage would destroy me. I just can't see myself being as strong as some are who are dealing with an active affair. They amaze me! I stand in awe of their courage and determination.

Good Luck on your and your W's healing paths...may you find enrichment, love, happiness and joy!