I am SO lost and I just don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to and I don't know how to even put this into words. I found out about my H affair on 5/25/02. I was sure something was going on, but it was confirmed with an anonomyous letter. I was 5 months pregnant at the time. I was so confused and scared that I did everything to get him to stay. Started doing Plan A before knowing what it was and it seemed to be working. We were getting along really well and seemed to be moving forward.

Well, it wasn't long before I found out he was still seeing the OW. He told her that we were separated and that he wanted nothing to do with me. I know this because I contacted her. She was the one that was in the dark because she didn't even know about our 3rd child. Pretty pathetic on his part, but she didn't leave. They remained in contact. He tried to convince me that they were over and that they were "just friends" now. I tried to understand, but just couldn't. I felt more violated that I was protrayed at the psycho spouse to the OW. That he kept lying to her to keep things going with her.

Well, moving to last night. My H confessed to having several affairs/one night stands over the last 2 1/2 years. Even while he was in his long term affair with OW. He confessed that he was excited by having sex with other women he didn't really know. I was devistated. He made me promise if he told me to not get mad at him. I tried not to, focusing on the fact that it must have very hard for him to finally tell me. I had no clue, how stupid was I? I felt like such a COMPLETE FOOL. I trusted the idiot and he took that trust and screwed around on me over and over and over. And the best is that he still told the recent OW that we are still separated (we were never) and that he isn't living home with me.

It ended with him not knowing what he wants and at this point, I don't know what I want either. All I know is that I am really close to being at single mother of 3 wonderful children who have a cheating louse for a father. I am so ashamed and alone. I don't want to tell his family. They know about the recent affair, but this would just kill them. They took the other news pretty hard. I just don't know where to go from here.

I used to feel so safe in my marriage, I felt I really knew him. We dated for 6 years before getting married. Now I don't feel anything, I am so numb, scared and alone.

Sorry, I am rambling. There are just so many feeling running through me I can't put them into words. All I do is cry!

Thank you for listening!

I have simular problems as you do. I guess if you want to stay married then you need to except your husband the way he is. Forget how you thought of him before, that wasnt real. It's freeky as hell but thats the way things are nowdays.

I've tried so many times to rationalize why my wife would sleep with another man, but it just doesnt do any good. Im to damn tired of thinking about everything we had done toghether and torturing myself, she is not who i thought she was and im starting to except it. I dont think any BS really forgives or forgets, they accept.

I think my advice to any BS is to do what you think will make you happy, whatever it may be.

Confusedbuthopeful...I am so sorry that you've been forced into finding yourself in this position. Understand that your emotional reactions to what you've discovered is normal.

I must say that I am amazed that you've been able to create such a safe envirnoment in your marriage that your H was able to come to you and tell you this painful truth about himself. He really sounds as if he's addicted to the "high" of new sexual experiences. From what little I know about this side of addictions, it seems to be something that a few WS's truly do have, they are almost incapable of staying faithful to ANYONE! It has NOTHING to do with the spouse, the marriage, the family...NOTHING.

There are others here who have dealt or are dealing with sexually addicted spouses....keep posting as I'm sure that some of them will see your post and reply. (You might even start a new post with SA in the title to get their attention.)

The H you felt you knew, is likely a part of the man you married, but there was a carefully hidden part of himself which he couldn't allow anyone to see. I am slightly encouraged that he had the strength and courage to actually tell you. That's amazing from what I understand is the normal course of choices that a SA spouse will take.

Is your H willing to reach out for help with this problem? Does he see it as a problem...one that is completely his own? As with most addicts...he won't be able to "kick" this addiction without some professional help...and the desire to change being uppermost.

Good Luck on whatever decisions you make. You've got a lot of hard choices to look at. Praying hard for your wisdom and courage and strength to be equal to the task in front of you.

Dear Confused....

I know first hand what it feels like to discover these horrible things and know that your spouse is not what or who you beleived them to be.

I don't know how to make links to point you, but Penchant for Prostitutes about six months old in this forum was mine. There is much discussion there regarding SA and you will see that you are not alone. There are people here who can help you more than I can, I agree, put SA in your heading and you might bring a few of them out.

The anonymous sex is a big red flag for sex addiction and something that you and your H might want to look into. Unfortunately I don't have a success story to share with you. I am separated although my H does attend SA meetings. There has been no trust restored.

It is very encouraging that your H came to you with this.

God bless,
SW

Thank you all for your words of encourgement. It just breaks my heart that this is what my life has become. I don't have it in me to have an "open" marriage. I took my vows seriously, even though I am not deeply religious, I do believe in the scantity of marriage.

I do give him some credit for coming clean. It was really hard for him, but much harder for me to hear. He kept telling me to not get mad at him. I really tried not to but it was too hard to hear. He did mention that he feels he needs help, which was big also because he always said that he wouldn't seek help. He also doesn't blame me for a thing, that this is his problem.

It's sad because my user Id says that I am hopeful. Well, I was when I thought we were working on us, but now I should change it to something more appropriate.

We have always been the best of friends, I know I am the closest person to him, even now. I think he finds comfort in the fact that I have always been there for him and forgiven him, but I just don't think I can forgive this. I forgave the A that I knew. I came to terms with it and I was able to continue our relationship without dweling on it. It wasn't easy, but I knew I could do it and he started to come around also. We have been getting along great for the last few months. This is probably why he came clean, the guilt of all of it was eating away at him.

I just can't live with it. I have 3 children to think of before him. I have put him first for so long that I neglected everything else. I am so heartbroken and I just don't know where to turn. I will change my posting to include SA and hopefully will get some insite to this addiction.

Thank you all for your kind words!