I am struggling badly with making sense of all of this. WH's first A is the one that has left me the most wounded because I see all of the others as an attempt to recapture what he had during his first A. During his first A, I had my suspicions but nothing really firm that he was fooling around on me. I knew he was lying to me a lot and there were many times when he came close to getting caught. I feel so foolish to have given him the benefit of a doubt, but I did in a way.

There is so much to digest that I am going to pour it all out here. This may get long and I may have to break it up into separate posts, but here goes.

WH's A began when my job transferred me and he had to start a new job at a place where neither one of us knew a soul except each other. It started out as innocent attraction to OW. She was tall, thin, pretty, young, and single. They worked for the same company but in different parts of the building, but they would occasionally pass each other. Not too long after he started working there, OW began working in the supply room because the regular person went on maternity leave.

The day she started working in the supply room was the day WH and OW started talking. He asked her how she lucked into this position since he knew that it was a step up from her old position. They hit it off right away. His comment made her feel noticed and special. Normally, WH only has to visit the supply room once a week. After she started working there, he began visiting the supply room multiple times a day.

Within a week, they started taking breaks together in addition to talking to each other mulitple times every day. WH actively persued her and flirted with her which she ate up and responded in kind. It continued like this for a few months even after OW had to go back to her old position. WH would find reasons why he had to go to her side of the building and would always stop and chat with her.

After a few months of talking to each other and taking their breaks together, WH and OW arranged to have her call him at home. Two nights a week, I had to work late but the nights always varied. He would keep her informed of which nights I would be gone to work so that it was "safe" for her to call. They would talk on the phone for hours at a time.

I began noticing that WH was being distant and cold towards me, but we had been trying to have a baby so I wrote it off as him being stressed out from the difficulties we were having with that. My first real clue came when I was four months pregnant (hormones were in overdrive and I became a little nympho). We normally enjoyed sex every night, but when my hormones kicked in, I began wanting it 2 and 3 times a night/day. After one of our many sexual encounters, he called me by OW's name.

I blew a gasket. He denied that he even knew anyone by that name and had no idea where it came from. I was very hurt by it, but still in the dark enough that I knew nothing about OW or what was going on between them at work and at home.

Not too much after that, WH began playing on the company's softball team. It wasn't until later that I found out that it was a co-ed team. They signed people up for the team in male-female sets to keep the team balanced and even. Most people signed up with their spouses/SO's. WH signed up with OW. They planned it out. WH would only go to practice on the nights that I was working late so that I wouldn't discover what it was he was doing. Otherwise, he would miss the practices and games and pretend like they weren't happening.

OW and WH were very open about their A at work. They would openly show affection for each other and were regularly seen coming in together and leaving together. All of their co-workers knew that they were actively involved. What they didn't know because WH didn't tell them was that he was a married man who had a pregnant wife back at home. They were so open about it that no one suspected that he was doing anything wrong.

OW knew and would ask whether or not "she" was there each time she called. I began getting more and more suspicious. I began swapping my schedule at work and coming home unannounced. During those nights, we always got the "wrong number" phone calls. We had caller ID.

WH played dumb. Since I didn't have a smoking gun, I dropped it and decided to find the smoking gun. I had her first name (from the night he let it slip during sex) and I had her last name from the caller ID. I worked Saturdays that WH normally played softball tournaments. There was a tournament in town one weekend and I decided to crash it by showing up unexpectedly.

I did and I caught him in the dugout talking to OW. He claimed she was just standing there and he didn't even know her name, but was just being friendly by making small talk about the game with her. Problem was, she had her name on the back of her shirt. WH wouldn't let me near the dugout saying that he didn't want me that close to the field because of me being pregnant. Like he cared about me being pregnant. He just didn't want me near OW or his teammates because none of them but OW knew I even existed and he was terrified that they might say something to me or ask who I (the pregnant lady) was.

I was furious when I went back to work. I hated him, but wasn't sure what I was going to do yet. That night, I went into premature labor (6 and a half months pregnant) and had to go to the hospital directly from work. I didn't call WH or let him know that I was at the hospital. I drove myself up there and drove myself back even though it was about 45 minutes to the hospital. They got my labor stopped and I went home.

I decided that I couldn't let my low-life WH and his trampy OW hurt my baby so I did my best to put it out of my mind. At least until after the baby was born. My doctor started watching me closer and measuring my diliation. In a couple of weeks, it became clear that I was still progressing. I was ordered on strict bedrest and had to start my maternity leave from work.

During the first week I was on bedrest, OW called every night. WH covered it by doing the "wrong number" routine. It was during the last two weeks that I was still at work that I discovered one of my employee's husbands worked for the same company that WH and OW worked for. The employee was telling him about me and my premature labor troubles and let my name slip. He noticed the name and asked who I was married to. They put two and two together and they both told me about the full-blown A between WH and OW.

It was during my first week of bedrest that OW and WH began arguing. Mostly about the phone calls. He was demanding that she quit calling the house and she got really mad because she felt like she was the dirty little secret instead of the other way around. OW went beyond mad. She got furious.

OW started going up to my work and filing complaints against me. At first, she wouldn't give her name. She filed a total of 4 complaints on me and demanded that I be fired for them. My boss called me at home to ask me if I knew who she was. They knew her complaints were bogus because I wasn't even up there during the times that she claims I mistreated her. I told my boss that she was WH's girlfriend. After that, I didn't hear anything else about it until after I came off of maternity leave.

It was during this time that OW started calling the house from work. She was calling 6 and 7 times a day, hanging up each time. I got tired of the hang up phone calls and got in touch with the company manager. My employee's husband also started filing complaints against WH and OW for PDA and innappropriate workplace conduct and sexual misconduct because WH was a married man.

Since I couldn't prove who was making the phone calls from WH's and OW's workplace, I told them everything that I knew about. The manager told me that he had seen enough for himself between OW and WH but never knew that WH was married. The manager got upset that his company was being used that way and informed me that he was setting up a camera on the telephone OW most likely used to call and harrass me.

During this time, the A was dying because of all of the arguing. WH had quit the softball team because of my pregnancy difficulties and quit allowing her to call him at home so she no longer had unbriddled access to WH to carry on the A. They spent most of their time arguing anymore about it all. WH was trying to get her to wait until after the baby was born to let things go back to the way they were. OW didn't want to wait and was demanding that he choose between OW and me.

OW knew she was losing and stepped up her campaign of harrassment against me. She was trying to get me to lose the baby. 3 weeks after I started on bedrest, I got a call back from the company manager. They got her on tape calling my house. They also collected witness statements about the innappropriate conduct between WH and OW.

The manager asked me whether or not I wanted him to fire WH out of professional courtesy. I asked him not to if there was any way possible that he could go around it. He was afraid that if they fired OW, OW would squeal to high heaven about it and they would have no choice but to fire WH for his role in all of this. So he told me that he would see what he could work out, but warned me that he might have to fire WH anyway. I told him I understood. He knew that WH was planning to take two weeks off when we had the baby so he would try to hold out until then to do it. They took out the phone that OW was using to call and harrass me.

The phone calls did cut back a great deal, but did not stop altogether. After being on bedrest for a month, my doctor decided that he couldn't risk me being outside of the hospital environment anymore so he admitted me into the hospital. I was devastated because I thought that meant the end of my marriage since WH and OW would have total freedom to conduct themselves however they wanted to.

I went into the hospital that morning at 6:00am. I had my daughter at 12:51pm that same day. I was in active labor for all of thirty minutes. Just enough time for WH to get to the hospital. Yes, he simply dropped me off that morning and left. He didn't even go inside with me to get me settled or carry my bags.

What I didn't know was that the A was already over. She was refusing to take a backseat to me and WH refused to leave me because he "felt" like he had to stay. That he owed me that much to stay until after I had the baby. OW wouldn't wait for that to happen.

During labor, I had major complications. Both I and the baby almost died from free bleeding from the placenta. All I remember after having her was that there was a huge splash of blood on the floor. I felt so exhausted, but I thought it was from the labor. I remember rolling my head to the side and seeing blood splashed everywhere. I looked at the floor to see blooding pooling up around me. I remember getting really sleepy and every screaming at me to stay awake and even slapping me. What kept me awake was that there was no baby's cry and I was frantic to know why and what was wrong with her.

More to come.

Actively waiting for more information.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry you've found yourself in need of this site...but you've discovered a good one. Lots of support and understanding. READ all the information here and take from it what you feel will benefit your situation.

Anyway, the doctor told WH that if I hadn't been in the hospital when I went into labor, we both would have died on the side of the road before we had even gotten halfway there. The doctor knew about the A between OW and WH because I told him, but WH didn't know this. He told WH that what happened was the result of me being under a high level of stress for an extended period of time which is the truth as I have sincelooked it up. Our daughter suffered permanent brain damage from lack of oxygen and blood loss and is now disabled for life.

As WH sat beside me rubbing my head as the doctors watched to see if they had gotten the bleeding stopped, he started really thinking about what it was he was doing with OW and he decided that he wasn't going to try to patch things up with OW. He was ashamed and felt guilty.

During the two weeks that WH was off work, he waited on me hand and foot. He rarely left my side and never left the house without me. In that two weeks, I knew he had no contact with OW. She had stopped calling our house. Due to the harrassment, I had requested that the phone company log all calls coming and going from our home, including local ones.

One thing I forgot to mention was that I talked to OW's father during the time I was on bedrest. She called from his home and I hit call return and spoke to him. He claimed his daughter was doing nothing wrong to call my house and it wasn't harrassment so long as someone living there wanted her to call. I told him that I lived here too and that if the calls didn't stop, I was going to get both of them for harrassment (her for calling, him for owning the phone line she was using).

A few days later, I get another hang-up phone call from him home. He was upset because he had told her to stop using his phone to call WH because he didn't want to get involved with any kind of trouble. I told him everything that I knew about the A and informed him that I was pregnant and on strict bedrest, and that if his daughter made me lose my baby, that I would sue the both of them for all that they were worth.

About half an hour later, I got another call from OW's father's phone number. This time it was OW's father calling. He apologized to me and assured me that his daughter would never bother me again from his home. He told me that the two of them just got done arguing about it and OW told him that she was a grown woman and could do whatever she wanted to. He said that he disowned her and told her to never come back to his house again ever and that he didn't raise his daughter to be a homewrecking tramp so he couldn't understand why she was acting that way. He also couldn't understand why she would get involved with a married man in the first place.

That was the last phone call that ever came from his house although she was still calling me from work. She wasn't calling to speak to WH because she and WH worked the same hours. She was calling to specifically harrass me in hopes that I would lose the baby. According to her father, he was horrified when he asked her about the fact that I was pregnant and having problems and she responded with the coldest "So what! She deserves everything she's getting."

After WH went back to work, I learned from the company manager that he had given OW 30 days to find another job, give her two week notice, and be gone. He warned her that if she forced them to fire her, that they would insure that she never worked in that town again because they would include EVERYTHING that happened on her permanent record. She reluctantly agreed. She was warned to cease all contact with WH or else she would be fired on the spot.

WH told me that when he went back to work after the baby was born, he avoided her like the plague. He didn't trust himself to be around her so he stopped going to the breakroom to take breaks and stopped going to the side of the building that she worked. When he did happen to pass her somewhere, he said that she always made snide and hateful remarks to him, but he didn't care because he wanted to keep it broken off and would just keep walking.

WH said that he saw her only one time after she quit working there and that she had driven by. When he saw her, he tried to follow her because seeing her again brought back all of the old emotions of when they were at the height of their A. He had really missed her and wanted to see how she was doing now. He said that he didn't want the A to start again that he knew of, but was just curious at the time. He said that looking back, maybe he hoped a little that they could pick it up again or at least get back on friendly terms.

WH told me that he was disapppointed when he could find her or her car, but that now he is glad he didn't find her again because there was no telling what would have happened. Seeing her brought back all of the memories of the good times he had with her. After that, he started fantasizing about her and rebuilt her less the flaws so that she was the perfect woman in his mind.

Even though the A was over, the emotional aspect of it was not. For years, he would always measure me against the perfect fantasy and I would never measure up. He sought out other women to fill that void, but none of them ever measured up either. Each A after that just left him feeling more and more empty. He searched for the better deal and he was always looking to "trade up" on what he already had.

By the time the first A ended, I had shut down. He wouldn't even admit that other A existed, let alone that he knew her. I didn't know whether or not it was actually over or whether they were continuing the A since we still lived in the same town with OW.

When I got back to work from my maternity leave, I was informed that I was being transferred to another facility. OW was still coming to the facility and trying to make trouble for me. They told me that they couldn't afford to have that kind of trouble being brought there and realized that I wasn't the one creating the trouble, but that in order to protect themselves, the company, and my career, they were transferring me to another facility 30 minutes away so that I could drive it without having to pick up and move again.

I was floored and very upset. I took my new assignment, but began thinking about moving back to our home state. Within a year, I had saved up enough money to buy a home and quit my job. We moved back and I took all of the money that I had been saving over my lifetime and purchased a home like I had planned. No more moving for me. No more working for me. I had a disabled daughter to take care of.

When we first moved back, WH did his best to turn over a new leaf and leave that lifestyle behind him, but it wasn't long before he felt the itch of boredom again. He was bored with being with the same woman. He told me that it wasn't anything that had to do with me. It was him looking for the thrill and excitement of being with someone new. He also did his best to put OW#1 out of his mind completely, but failed on that too.

As a result, he went from one woman to the next to try to find someone to fill the void that OW#1 had left. They met his need for something fresh and new, but did little else for him. He told me that none of them ever compared to how good it was during his first A. He admits to being in love with OW#1 and wanting to leave me for her, but he hesitated because if she was the type of woman to be with a married man then, in his mind, she was the type of woman who would cheat on him as well and that he would never be able to trust her. Mind you that during the A, she was engaged to be married to another man. She too was always looking for the better deal.

WH told me that he got good at keeping his two lives separate. But he wasn't good enough. I carried my own guilt as well. I told myself that if I hadn't gotten so stressed out over the A, our daughter wouldn't be disabled. So I stayed with him out of guilt of what I had done to my daughter. I withdrew into my own shell and focused on being a mother and taking care of everything around the house. Our daughter requires a large amount of time and attention so this wasn't very hard to do.

I was too tired and beat down to fight it anymore. He stayed gone most of the time so putting up with him wasn't all that difficult either. WH told me that when I grew cold towards him that he couldn't figure out why because he truly thought that I was ignorant of everything he was doing "outside of our marriage."

After caring for his dying father this past summer, I told myself that life was too short to be this miserable and I was truly miserable. I told WH that I wanted a divorce. He had become addicted to internet porn, but it was just another outlet for his overall sexual addiction. WH started counseling in an attempt to get me off of his back. He had no intentions of changing anything about himself because he justified and downplayed everything he did as okay in his mind. He told himself that no one was getting hurt because I didn't know about it and he wasn't raping anyone so it was all okay.

We were in limbo from July until December when I told him that things simply weren't working out for me and I still wanted a divorce. About that time, GMIL paid us an unexpected visit. She knew that we weren't getting along and that WH was in counseling. According to her, she didn't live under a rock and heard talk about what was going on. GMIL spilled the beans about everything that had gone on during her 53 year marriage and how much it hurt her and how she knew the entire time about what GFIL was doing. She told WH to straighten up his act before he killed every ounce of love I had inside of me and told me that she could understand why I wanted a divorce because she was the same way.

WH said that GMIL shocked him really badly with what she had to say. He knew all growing up that GFIL ran around on her, but he was shocked about the fact that she knew it because she never let on that she knew or that she was unhappy. WH had convinced himself that all men cheat on their wives so he was just being a typical man. He thought that he was slick, but I destroyed that when I told him everything that I already knew about what he had been up to.

That day, WH started really changing. He started re-evaluating his entire life and saw it all in a different light for the first time ever. He told me that he didn't want that life anymore. He has fundamentally changed, but still struggles with being completely honest and open with me.

I feel like I am at a crossroads. Now that the holidays are over, I feel as though I am having to decide between staying with a man who has proven himself time and time again to be a low-life cheat in the hope that he will never hurt me again or decide that there has been too much hurt and damage done to give him even one more day of being my husband.

After 7 years of hell, I don't know if it is worth the risk of hurting even more. Part of me wants to give him a chance, but I am terrified of what is going to happen once he feels the itch of boredom again. I know he is going to feel the itch, but I don't know if his desire to be with me is strong enough to keep him from scratching that itch again. I don't know if he is just going to try that much harder to hide the fact that he is scratching his itch.

I never talked to WH about what OW#1 was doing. I assumed that he knew. He is still angry that she did all of that as far as the harrassment goes and it has destroyed his memory of how perfect and innocent she seemed to be. While he is angry with her, he told me that it just makes him that much more disgusted with himself because none of it would have happened had he not gotten involved with her and that he takes full responsibility for it.

I have my doubts about his sincerity given the number of lies and smooth talking he did over the years to lead his double life. Part of me is really angry with him. For 7 years, I wanted this marriage to work more than anything I have ever wanted before in my life. It was only after I stopped wanting to be married and started wanting a divorce that he started wanting to be married to me.

He told me that during all of these years, he was indifferent about whether or not we stayed married. He didn't neccessarily want a divorce, but he didn't really care if I wanted one. He told me that when he heard me say that he wanted a divorce, he wasn't even curious as to why I would want one. I was just happy and relieved that it was finally over. He told me that he had been looking for excuses in me to want a divorce himself, but he could never find one. It was when he was packing up his stuff that he looked around and saw what it was he was throwing away. That he started really thinking about how different his life would be. All he use to think about before was the good parts about being single again and he didn't think that there were any good parts about being married until then.

Even then, it wasn't until last month when GMIL paid us that visit that he started wanting to be married to me. He said that he was floored by the fact that I had known all along yet was still able to treat him with love and respect despite how much I was hurting all along. He told me that the fact that I remained faithful to him despite what all he was doing was proof to him that it wasn't me who was lucky to have him in my life, but that it was him who was lucky to have me in his life. He always saw himself as someone who deserved better than me, but that it is me who deserves better than him. So now, he claims that he respects me which he never really did before.

But the thing is, I don't respect him. I am so angry with him and miserable that I still want a divorce. There is only one thing stopping me. Hope. There is a shred of hope that our marriage could be better than it ever was, that he could treat me better than he ever has, that he could be a better and stronger person than he ever would have been had all of this stuff not happened.

I just don't know what to do with that hope. Should I give it a chance? Should I dismiss it and say it's not worth the risk? I don't even know if any of it is worth the risk of getting hurt again. The chances are high that he will hurt me again. My fear is that I won't be able to recover and that I will lose even more of myself if I stay and he does go back to cheating on me. Part of me worries that if I do go ahead with the divorce, that it will mean a lifetime of being alone because I'm not sure that there is anyone in their right mind who would be willing to be with a woman who had a kid who was going to be dependant upon me for the rest of my life, who doesn't have the freedom to go and do whatever I want whenever I want. Not that I need a man to be complete, but I don't welcome the thought of spending the rest of my life alone either.

WH tells me that he knows he isn't going to cheat on me again because now he knows exactly what it is that he would lose and he also knows that I am aware of everything that goes on. Part of me feels that he is being sincere, but I wonder if he will still feel so strongly about it as the guilt fades with time. Another part of me wonders if he is just telling me what I want to hear. I am just so confused and hurt and angry. Can I still possibly love him after all of this? Can I ever love him again? Will I ever stop hating him for what he has done?

I started taking Wellbutrin today and I'm hoping that it helps although I'm not sure how it will help me feel better about any of this or less confused about what I want to do. I feel like I am in complete agony. WH says that he won't fight a divorce if that is what I decide to do. I have the money set aside and all I have to do is go down and have the paperwork drawn up when I'm ready. Is it possible that he actually has learned from his mistakes and isn't going to do it again? I know that anything is possible, but I'm scared out of my mind either way.

Sorry, to be so slow in repling after my first, but had an appointment I couldn't miss.

It does sound as if your H is a SA (sex addict) this is one area that I am rather uninformed about. There are several here on this site who have dealt or are dealing with this...in fact there is also a new poster...sorry can't remember what their sign-in name is...but am sure you'll be able to find it if you look...as I replied to her yesterday so it will be close to the top.

The two of you new posters may be able to support each other...and both get some really good advice from those who have been there.

Yes, it's possible to save a marriage which is dealing with one spouse who is a SA. But it's not easy. Your H needs to get into a group counseling with other SA's and some individual counseling with an expert in dealing with this very real illness.

Sorry, but while I can accept that what your H is saying right now may well be true in his eyes and heart...unless he receives help...it's unlikely that he can overcome his SA on his own.

If you chose to not stay in the marriage...that is ok, too. This is your life and your daughter's and you must do what you feel is best for the two of you.

There is always hope...only when you choose to turn your back on hope is there no hope. Yes, you can definitely still love him through all that has gone before. Yes, you can reclaim a healthier and happier love if you AND your spouse are willing to listen, work harder then you've ever done in your life, and make your marriage a true partnership of honesty, love, and faithfulness.

A BS can forgive a WS...the person...we don't forgive the act.

Getting on anti-D meds is a great first step in getting some of your overwhelming emotions under control. It will not take away the pain, but will allow you to think clearer and control it better.

Now for your sweet daughter...While it's very true that stress can cause many illness...there is no way that we can truly know why the birth of your sweet daughter went so horribly wrong. My oldest daughter is an RN and she has seen a few women who have suffered this uncontrolable bleeding during delivery...some as in your case where early, had problems during the PG...but some have been completely normal PGs with no sign of any problems until the bleeding starts.

You and your sweet daughter were extremely lucky in that you both survived, as too often this is not the case. I know that most of the time, both mother and child can not be saved.

SO...don't carry that burden on your back. You did NOT cause this to happen. Do NOT lay this burden on your H's back...yes, the stress must have had a negative effect on your PG...but this might have happened no matter what. Leave this judgement to a Higher Power. jmho

Good Luck!

Thanks JAW. WH is getting help for his sexual addiction. He started counseling for that in July. He basically went through the motions of getting help until December. He was still really deep in his fog. While there were some changes seen, he was still only doing what was absolutely neccessary to get me to drop the issue and was waiting until the dust settled down so that he could go back to his old ways. He didn't buy into the fact that there was anything wrong with what he was doing.

It wasn't until last month that enough things fell into place for him that he could finally see what he was actually doing. That was when the counseling he was getting started helping. It's like he had a light go on. He is going through a large amount of guilt right now.

I guess it all seems just a little too good to be true. I worry about all of this. I worry mostly about what is yet to come. WH and I spent the entire evening in deep discussion about all of this and how it makes me feel. I guess it was a major step for him to even admit that he cheated on me instead of hearing nothing but lies about it.

With time, he has stopped trying to downplay his role in all of this. It was him who persued the A's and it was him who went to great lengths to create the environment so that his A's could thrive. On one hand, I want to know all of the details such as when, where, how many times, what was talked about, and so forth. On the other hand, I already know enough to know that he cheated on me a lot and for a long period of time.

I know that he and OW#1 would talk on the phone for hours every night that I had to work late. I know that during their breaks at work, they would sit together and go out to eat together. I know that she would regularly sit in his lap during breaks "because there weren't enough seats for everyone." I know that they played softball together. I know that they enjoyed an active sex life even though WH and I were having sex 2 and 3 times a night/day. I know that he loved her and wanted to leave me for her. There's not much more after that to really hurt me.

I don't know if knowing more would do me any good on getting over all of this. I know enough to know what to watch out for. Over the years, he improved his game to reduce the chances of getting caught. He was awful sloppy during the first A, but worked to perfect his game. Most of his A's went on at work. Single women started being too risky because sooner or later they would want him to leave me for them. So he moved on to married women who had just as much to lose as he did, who wouldn't pressure him to leave me, who wouldn't want to have their relationship conducted in the open as single women do, and who always seemed to be lonely. It was like sport to him. The thrill of the chase.

Part of me wonders if I have simply given him something better to chase. Our marriage. It is no longer something he can take for granted as always being there. He as already lost me and is trying to get me back. I can see where he finally sees what it is he is losing. Put me in a room with all of the OW and he would still be drawn to me. I guess one way of thinking about it was that WH wasn't able to find anyone else that he loved enough to marry in the 7 years that he was single before we got together and he wasn't able to find anyone who was better than me in the 7 years that he has been looking that we have been married. With a total of 14 years of looking, I'm the best thing he's ever come across. All I can say is that it is about time that he finally realized this.

Well, now I know the rest of it. How it happened. When. Where. The whole nine yards. Part of me is really angry, but the other part is relieved to finally know. He claims that the first time he and OW#1 had sex was one night about halfway through the A. They had arranged for him to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to meet her at a rearranged spot.

When he was sure I was asleep, he would call OW and inform her that he was going to try to sneak out. He had attempted to sneak out many times before he actually did it, but had chickened out each time. OW basically demanded that he **** or get off of the pot. She had been stood up by him too many times already and was getting sick of getting up in the middle of the night and not getting laid to make it worth her while.

WH told me that so much had happened between them by that point that he felt like he had to do it because he had already done enough with her to make it cheating on me. He said he knew that if I found out about any of it that he knew I would divorce him so he wanted to make the affair worth it. He told me that he was head over heels in love with her at that point and had told her that he was going to leave me. He told me that he seriously considered it, but started comparing the two of us and decided to stay where he had the better deal.

I remember the time he snuck out. I woke up when I heard the front door open and close. He did it quietly, but it still made noise. I got up in time to see him pushing the car down the driveway a little ways before getting in, shutting the door, and starting the car. I pretended to be asleep when he got home and crawled back in bed like nothing ever happened. Once he laid down, I startled him by asking him in a normal voice where he went. He told me that he went to get something to drink. I started laughing and told him that we had drinks in the kitchen so there was no need for him to go anywhere to get a drink. I then asked him where his drink was. He said he was really thirsty and drank it all before he got back home. I told him he was full of **** and I didn't want to hear anymore of his lies.

He said that shook him up pretty bad and that is when he the risks became very real to him. He said that he spent the rest of the affair trying to put her off. OW had him over a barrel though and he feared her telling me and letting the cat out of the bag. He said that he felt forced to go along with whatever she wanted at that point even though he still wanted her too. It was during the months that followed that his guilt began eating at him and he wondered how in the world he was going to get out of the mess he was in.

It was during these months that OW became possessive and demanding. She became more and more bold and tried to get him busted by calling the house outside of the time he told her she could call and so forth. When she got too pushy in her demand for him to leave me, he told her that he wasn't going to leave me while I was pregnant and she was either going to have to wait for him or move on because his hands were tied.

After OW#1, he moved on to one woman after another trying to fill the void in his life. WH said that everything fell into place for him to finally wake up. He hates that it took him so long to realize that he wasn't fooling anyone and that I knew all along. Finding out that I knew all along was like a one-two finishing punch.

Yesterday, we went up to GMIL's house because WH had something he wanted to tell her. He thanked her for talking to us, admitted that he cheated on me our entire marriage, and basically apologized to me again. GMIL told him that she hoped he learned from his mistakes and told him that if he couldn't do right by me to do me a favor and get out of my life now before he hurt me again.

One minute, I am so angry at him for doing all of this that I want to scream. The next, I can actually look at him and say he made a mistake and got caught up in an addiction to a lifestyle that led to disaster. I don't know whether or not I can forgive him. I do have hope that he can do this. He is being very open with the fact that he cheated on me repeatedly and very open about his vow to get his act together. He's telling everyone who has ever witnessed anything having anything to do with his affairs. He said he owes them all an apology for putting them in such a bad position of whether or not to tell me what was going on and he says he also wants to tell them the truth behind all of the lies that he told them all to get their sympathy so that they wouldn't tell me what was going on.

WH said that he felt like he was alive again and whole. He said that it felt good that he didn't have to worry all the time about who all was going to say what to me. He feels like he doesn't have to hide me anymore out of fear that someone will tell me something on him. He said he likes the feeling he has now knowing that he can look me in the eye and he has told me everything. He said the fact that I'm still with him leaves him in total awe of me.

I guess we are stumbling down the road of recovery now. Finally. I'm still scared that he is going to cheat on me again. I'm terrified that he is going to cave when he feels the bite of his addiction to the thrill. What a mess my life is. I guess I do have reason to hope that our marriage can be stronger, better, and happier as a result of all of this.