This was posted also in a string by F A entitled: Female Betrayers, I need help.<BR>*****************************************<P>All of us are intrigued by this topic -- all anxious as to how to make it happen. My wife is in the same boat as FA's and most of the women who have posted here. <P>Yet, you have posted, and you say you do want to regain that love. If that's true, then don't put any restrictions on regaining it, such as a time limit (Lacee). If you want it, then work for it and let it happen.<P>I spoke today with Dr. Harley (William) directly about my situation. Which is much the same as FA's. He said that he assures his patients that the marriage will be restored with both parties totally in love if they follow what he tells them to do. He then outlined for me what that is, and for the most part you know it:<P>1) Commit to the Policy Agreement: Don't do anything without enthusiastic consent by both - nothing!<P>2) Keep depositing Love Units and don't Love Bust - ever. Both should, but if one keeps going the other will eventually come around. This means do all possible, happily, to meet your spouses emotional needs.<P>3) Commit to telling each other the truth - always. Talk to each other.<P>4) Spend at least 15 hours per week together,<BR>as a couple, for each other only. Find out what each other likes and do those things.<P>5) Begin doing again, and keep doing, those little things that your spouse was first attracted to (in my case it's in part the type of clothes I wear and my professional image).<P>6) If you get a counselor, be sure that this person is emphatic about communicating their belief that this marriage will survive and be even better. They should believe that failure is not an option, and have a definitive plan (like this one he gave) to get the love back. If they say anything negative like "if this marriage makes it", or "before we get to divorce" then quickly get another counselor.<P>He said that even if one spouse is skeptical, or even angry and defiant it doesn't matter - it will work as long as they do what he says no matter how they feel going into it.<P>He also says that it is important to be able to measure the results -- and he uses a Love test (much the same as the emotional needs questionaire) to do that. He uses it weekly with his couples. <P>Here was very interesting news from Dr. Harley: he says that regaining that "in love" feeling IS NOT DONE GRADUALLY AT ALL. He says that the out of love partner may score a minus 1 (-1) when the sessions first start and be totally out of love. Then in a few weeks its a -0.8. Later its -0.3, then flat zero (0) at some point - but progress is being made even though the spouse is not yet "in love". He says that as long as they keep doing the plan, the out of love spouses score progresses weekly until finally its perhaps 1.5 (there's no set number given that we are all different) and s/he says "I'm in love". In other words, Dr. Harley says that falling in love is an instantaneous thing that happens once that persons love tank becomes full enough.<P>This man exudes confidence that falling "in love", and perhaps especially between people who already have a strong base of love, is near predictably achieved if both parties are willing to follow these type steps. <P>By the way, he has an extremely successful practice bringing love back into marriages, and today is his 37th marriage anniversary.<P>All of you, and my wife included, can and will fall in love again if you want to and let it happen by simply working on you as a couple.<P>Don't ever give up - please - I believe in love too much, and I believe in each of you who are here fighting for Love.<P>SamH

WOW! Thank you! I am looking forward to working with this information! I really haven't put a time limit on our "Falling in love" I just plan to keep on working at it until it happens....<P>

Thanks for the info, Sam. I'm glad you're sounding more positive now, then you were in your earlier post. I can see how this plan can restore love. <P>However, my situation is more challenging because H decided it was "in our best interest to move out" (closer to OW, by the way)on Dec1. So, it's nearly impossible to do the steps mentioned, such as spending 15 hours together, depositing love units, etc because he is 200 miles away. He has begun calling me every day now, and telling me he misses me, and loves me. I'm just not sure, at this point, if his love for me is being restored or if he is still in the fence strattling position.

Hi Sam,<P>What you say makes sense. Thank goodness for the good Dr. Harley. He really has helped so many of us during the worst parts of our lives. I believe in love. It might take a while to achieve, but I once was very much in love with my husband. He is working very hard (making those deposits) to regain my love that it is hard not to love, at least, his efforts.<P>

Wow! Such great advice from the Dr. I still feel a great deal of love for my H even though he betrayed, but at one point, I wondered if I would ever get past that hurt in my heart and if there would always be that something inside me that wouldn't go away. I wondered if that something would stay in the way of our relationship. Then I decided to turn it over to God. He can make the blind see and the lame walk, surely He could mend my heart if it is His will. I also realized I was putting limits on what he can do. So I released it and I believe I can get past this with His grace and will be whole again! Blessings, J

Sam - it felt so good to read this post. Thanks a lot for sharing it here. <P>Lori

My wife may not be "in love" with me again just yet, but Dr. Harley's plan is definitely working. <P>Sure, there are still ups and downs, and we are by no means out of the woods just yet, but hey:<P>She calls me at work now if I don't call her!<P>Once when I didn't call her and she couldn't reach me at work, she hugged me dearly when I got home and said affectionately " what, you don't love me anymore".<P>If I don't eat with the family she comes and sits next to me (like tonight) to talk.<P>And she's given up on her "no sex with you, it's no longer comfortable" stance entirely. In fact, sex is perhaps the best its ever been.<P>Still, she says she's only doing this for the kids and is not "in love" with me. HA!!!<BR>Wait until I'm done - I'm going to redefine the heights of any love she's ever felt.<P>And, she admits that we've "made progress" and has agreed to take the Emotional Needs Questionaire once every four weeks.<P>Now, I'm a dating, dancing, Bed and Breakfast, beach walking, seal watching fool.<P>We're going to do this, and you can too. Really, you can. No matter how far it's gotten. HEY - even people who have gotten divorced have gotten remarried. So when is the end, the end. Like a movie with never ending sequels (alla James Bond), Love never Dies (isn't that the name of a movie). <P>I believe that by the way. Like a solid principle of physics: once created love can never truly be destroyed, only buried.<P>Well then get a shovel and dig!!!!!!!!

Anybody,<P>I have a question. How can Arik fall in love with me again if any deposits I try to make in his love bandk are not received or at least he doesn't seem to notice. He hasn't really gone through withdrawal yet and so has still disconected himself from me and our relationship in a way that I find hard to understand. He hasn't really embraced all of the Harley concepts as I am sure most of you are well aware. Maybe his taking a break from 'us' will bring that yearning to be with me feeling back. I don't know. <BR>Any coments would help. Thanks.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Nicole,<P>I did read some of his posts, and I felt pain and confusion in him. Perhaps I'm overly optimistic, but that seems like Love to me. <P>My wife is still often like a statue, seemingly devoid of any positive reaction to all the deposits I make. She even tried to cut them off, saying I was overdoing it. <P>Keep doing it...keep doing it...keep doing it. It's getting in. People like the way it feels to be loved, really loved. Not infatuation or lust, those are only temporary. Real love has power and potency. It can and most often does win - it's the time commitment that does the most damage to us. <P>There's a chance that this period of time will make Arik realize what the love is and means. And if this time period doesn't do it, then maybe the next will. Depending upon what Plan you're in, he may question whether you'll be there for him, but he should never question whether or not you love him. Your love is the strenght that can breath new life into the relationship.

SAM,<P>Thank you for your optimism. tHREADS LIKE THIS ARE GREAT TO READ BEFORE i GO TO BED AT NIGHT.<P>Keep your recovery alive and well. I look forward to the day I can post a thread like this one.<P>Thank you for your opinion on my other post.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

SamH,<P>Arik has said over and over that he loves me but has recently said he is no longer 'in love' with me. I really do want him to feel that again. I want him to yearn to be with me, so much so that he would do anything to prove that to me. I think that is what he wants too. He wants that complete desire to be there before he will commit 110%.<BR>As for knowing that I will always be there for him he knows that without a shadow of a doubt. He has always said that I am the only person in his life who has been with him and for him no matter what.<BR>I guess the hard part for me right now is working through all this with the Harley concepts knowing that Arik isn't even commited to them. No contact, policy agreement, telling the truth...his defiance in some of these things is so strong that he won't even do them and if he does do them he immediately undoes them. <BR>In the last couple of days I have been trying to keep my emotions in check, doing more loving things and focusing on his wants, needs and desires, I hope this will help. Anybody that might have some ideas, please help.

SamH,<P>Arik has said over and over that he loves me but has recently said he is no longer 'in love' with me. I really do want him to feel that again. I want him to yearn to be with me, so much so that he would do anything to prove that to me. I think that is what he wants too. He wants that complete desire to be there before he will commit 110%.<BR>As for knowing that I will always be there for him he knows that without a shadow of a doubt. He has always said that I am the only person in his life who has been with him and for him no matter what.<BR>I guess the hard part for me right now is working through all this with the Harley concepts knowing that Arik isn't even commited to them. No contact, policy agreement, telling the truth...his defiance in some of these things is so strong that he won't even do them and if he does do them he immediately undoes them. <BR>In the last couple of days I have been trying to keep my emotions in check, doing more loving things and focusing on his wants, needs and desires, I hope this will help. Anybody that might have some ideas, please help.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Thanks Sam H. I like your concept that true love can't be destroyed, just buried. That just inspired me to keep on. I will get my shovel out and start digging. Thank you so much for that.

Patient Love,<BR>I love your handle, because that is what the process is all about, patient love. I believe that "true love" is the shovel that can unearth buried love. <P>I wish I could say something really encouraging about you and Arik. I can only say that it sounds like there's lots of hope. Yet, there seems to be a bit of a "catch 22", if you're familiar with that concept. You said:<P>"He wants to feel that again (in love) before committing 110%." <P>That's the catch 22. Based on what Dr. Harley told me, he needs to act on his desire to only "want" those feelings back, instead of waiting to get them back. I don't think Dr. Harley would suggest that the feelings are going to come back by accident - they have to be unearthed.<P>Keep doing what you're doing, making deposits. You'll eventually pull him towards wanting to work on the marriage and "in love" feelings - that is, if he truly does want to feel that way again.

Thanks SamH,<P>Sorry guys I goofed again I entered under Arik's profile. Please read as mine. Nicole.<P><BR>I do think there is somewhat of a catch 22 here. Arik says that he doesn't feel he can entirely let go of OW until he sees that our relationship will be o.k. but I really don't think that our relationship will ever be o.k. until he lets go of her. He seems to be getting things backwards in my eyes but there really isn't anything I can do or say that will change his views. I guess I just have to leave it to time.<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik<P><p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited December 16, 1999).]

Hey SamH,<P>Seems like you are on a mission too. <P>I really liked your statement regarding that she says she is not "in love" with you. Wait till I'm done. <P>You go!<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

The mission for all of us is to restore love (in love feelings), desire, commitment, and trust to our marriages.<P>There's nothing easy about this, as I and all of us have learned, but we must want to do it if it is to be achieved. I choose to believe Dr. Harley, that it is very possible and happens all the time. It just takes time, patience, and a persistently applied plan. It also takes at least one spouse having a near unshakably positive attitude (at least around the other spouse).<P>Love never dies, it just gets buried sometimes. Get your shovels and dig!

I keep coming back b/c I just LOVE this thread!<P>What an inspiration! Ok, I'll be quiet again, but it does make things seem not quite so out of reach.<P>Thanks again Sam.<P>lori

Thank you so much for sharing that. I'm not in recovery yet (but I hope to be one day). But this is great information to have and hold on to. Thanks again.<BR>Viki