Well it has been an interesting holiday season. My wife has been coming back home every -end since Thanksgiving.
During ths time she has ha asked for my forgiveness numerous times. I have also watched the Fog lift and then close her down again. Before my eyes!. It is amazing. But it is much more than I hve expected. She has been in this Fog for almost 5.5 months.
This is the first glimpse i have seen of my real wife. Heretofore, the Fog had her closed up and socked in.
Then after Xmas she completely disappeared...until New Years Day... when she called... I immediately recognized a very different voice on the phone....the one that asked me how I was....what did I do New Years eve ?..etc. ...etc...
Then she called again last night for the first time since new Years Day...we discussed a lot of things...again I was hearing this very clear -headed woman on the phone...this movement in and out of the Fog has been going on for about 6-7 weeks now.
She is now beginning to soound more consistently her old self again...more and more..mostly I detect it in her voice...we even dicussed the idea of putting our marriage back together, very briefly.
Then, before I put her on the phone with our oldest son and without prompting or warning she said the magic words, " Gregg.....I love You !" I was stunned. Not by the fact that she said it...but in the way she said it. She was clear, confident and very direct.
Needless to say that I was speechless. My long silence prompted her to ask if I was still there. To which I replied "Yes".
I then told her "I love you, Too". And then I said "I need to be your best friend again".
She is coming back in four days> We will probably discuss our future...and there are boundries.
I am not overly confident...but I think my patience with her in Plan A has really, literally opned her eyes.
It hasn't hurt that OM has been LBing her all over the place in the last four or five weeks either.
Any comments here? This looks like the dicey part.
I think my plan will be to continue patience and continue to listen closely.
What do y'all think?

I guess it's safe to say that you have not lost all your love for her BUT don't get yourself into a fog of your own by getting your hopes way up high. Remember that it will be her actions and not her words that will prove her truthfulness regarding her love for you.

Call me a cynic but I suspect that since things don't seemed to have worked out that great with the OM, she is now scared that you are finally ready to move on with your life and that the door will forever be closed for her to come back to you.

My advise to you is to tread with extreme caution and not letting your feelings of love for her, give you false hope. Look for breakthru actions on her part before you start getting optimistic about a possible marital recovery.

TMCM,
This is what I felt too.I agree w/ the professional cynic part. But you have good reason. And I do not doubt what you are saying. This fits in w/ the whole scenario.
And you are right. I have not lost all of my love for her. But I will tell you any breach on her part will push me away.
I am on the fence now with out a doubt. Actually I rather like it. And the reason is that I feel like I am in control of my emotions now. I canot tell you how important a tool that has become.

Oh yes,one of the other things she said was how much she misses the boys. I do not doubt that.But, She is REALLY going to have to EARN their respect back, too.
She knows she is losing me. ( I have done all that I can to demonsrate that very idea).
Anyway.Treading lightly and testing the winds.

Hey. Very good news. I have stopped smoking cigarettes.(almost two weeks) Man, do I feel good. Has its tough moments. However, it is the best thing to do. I feel so much better.
TMCM. As always, Thank you. I will proceed with much caution. It really is time for action.

Could be happening, but ditto CoffeeMan.

I have no experience here so I cannot advise anything other than go slow. You already recognize the "dicey" stage you may be on.

Consider counseling with Steve/others to help you keep your feet on the ground.

Good luck,
WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey. Very good news. I have stopped smoking cigarettes.(almost two weeks) Man, do I feel good. Has its tough moments. However, it is the best thing to do. I feel so much better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's great news, congratulations. Now don't get cocky otherwise you may experience a relapse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . But all kidding aside, I'm glad that you quit smoking cigarettes because my maternal grandfather, a lifetime smoke, died of emphizema and it was a horrible experience to witness his gasping for air because his lungs no longer functioned properly.

It is not only a gift that you have given to yourself, but a gift to your children as well.

TMCM?WAT:
Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. She called today and indicated she wanted to talk when she comes home next week.
This is fine with me ,of course. But action on her part after the discussion will be key.
Keep you posted.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But action on her part after the discussion will be key.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes indeed and it would be a good idea to emphasize to her that while you appreciate her sentiments, it is her actions that will speak volumes as to whether you will be convinced to either work on rebuilding the M or to divorce her once and for all. All the beautiful words (this includes promises) in the world amount to absolutely nothing if they are not accompanied by deeds to back them up. Let her know that the ball is in her court.

probably THE most prophetic phrase on this whole site imho.

coffee sais:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> while you appreciate her sentiments, it is her actions that will speak volumes as to whether you will be convinced to either work on rebuilding the M or to divorce her once and for all. All the beautiful words (this includes promises) in the world amount to absolutely nothing if they are not accompanied by deeds to back them up. Let her know that the ball is in her court.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if i woulda seen and BELIEVED that when I first started searching for help, it woulda made things so much easier and MUCH less stressfull.

it's my vote that this quote be bronzed, framed, then plastered on the front entrance to this site so all "newbies" can read and start to digest its reality the first second they enter.

the only thing I would ad (as I am a perfectionist) is try to find a constructive, systematic, nonevasive and tactfull way to "check up" on the WS's honesty. which will be unique to each individual case. In other words snoop occasionally and prefferably without them knowing to prove to yourself they can be trusted with what they are telling you. Like little tests of honesty that the WS may, and shouldn't even know happened. Slowly but surely, this will either increase or decrease a paramount need in a trust level within you , the BS. After being hit with the original devastating, mind altering and gutwrenching news, then soul searching, then deciding you are not "out" yet(for whatever reasons you have), these little periodic "honesty tests" should have a profound effect on your move to no holds barred recovery or.....filing the papers out at the courthouse. you can fall off the fence on one side or the other with much more confidence in having few or no regrets in the future. because truly guys, when it's all said and done, isn't trust the only issue we are all dealing with? I mean, if you can truly trust your spouse and KNOW they have passed many little "honesty checks" that they had no idea they were passing at the time, wouldn't this be a superfluous website?

IMHO it all stems from motivation . If you are motivated to the core to do something, (like you will lose your kids if you don't do it), then won't you by God DO IT? And very quickly and enthsiasticly? well it's the same with the WS. If their motivation comes from there loins before all else, their pleasure before all else, then those "little tests" will be the litmus tests that you will need to measure said motivation....true?

peace
tim

props to coffee on this "game breaking" quote

This is why I have my own time line for my actions.
Certainly, while I have no control over her actions or lack thereof, I do have control over what choices I can make and when to make them, etc.
Her actions after our"discussion" must occur rapidly. OR the ball will be in my court. And I will be able to start making decisions.
It is very amazing how a life altering experience like this strips everything down to the basics.
I'll keep you posted. But, I am in agreement with everything tht has been said.