Married 2 1/2 years. Together 7 years. No kids.

H left me in October. I just found out last week through "research" that he has been having an A overseas for at least 6 months. He goes overseas every other month for business. We met with a marriage counselor 3 times. Our next appt. is Tuesday.

I want to let him know that I know about his A and just get it out in the open during our counseling session.

Any advice? Some people told me to not even bring up the A since it will make him feel cornered and will push him away even farther. But I don't think I can keep it in. Help!

Short answer - yes. It has to come out.

Who are these "Some people"?

What is the nature of your evidence? The effect of revealing it can vary with its source, but you will instantly become a "bad person" because you are invading his privacy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Be ready for this and don't attempt to defend yourself. He will likely be aghast that you don't trust him, blah, blah, blah. In this sense, "Some people" are correct, but they don't understand why and their advice is short sighted. Your marriage cannot improve with another person involved.

What was the premise of already starting counseling? Because he left you? What types of things have come out in counseling?

Ideally, discuss your "evidence" with the counselor before the appointment. If you can't do this before the upcoming appointment, consider holding off until you can in order to get his/her perspective. If your counselor has a brain, he/she should already suspect an affair.

In the meantime, read everything you can about infidelity on this site including the link in my sig line. Get smart about Plan A and start to work.

Good luck,

<small>[ January 11, 2003, 07:11 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

nature of evidence - snooping
premise of counseling - he left me
what came out of counseling - vent session for him

Thank you, worthatry, for your insight. Here's a letter to H that I plan to read during our counselling session. Please let me know what your thoughts are...should I not say a certain thing, should I add something, etc.

Dear H,
I want you to know that I know about the affair you are having in overseas. I want to give you time and space, so please don’t feel like you have to respond now. I am really hurt by the affair. I take responsibility for the things that I have contributed to our marital problems and do not blame the affair for our problems. As I was reflecting I thought about how I contributed to our problems: anger/impulse control, my sexuality, expecting myself and others to be perfect, lack of communication, and selfishness. I am making changes for myself by making obtainable goals and taking baby steps in each area. This has been a wake up call for me. I really want to learn from this and most importantly how to be a better person. I am disappointed by the affair, but I would like to continue to work on the friendship we have.