January 4 my wife told me that she had been having an affair with a co-worker for about the past nine months. From the best I can gather I do not think that anything physical started until Oct. or so. That is when her mood really changed, started staying out late, negelecting the children (two girls 8 and 4) and not helping out around the house.

I have 'known' since around late November. I started having to catch up on the laundry (she wouldn't let me do it b/c I ruined a lot of her clothers in the past) and I noticed her underwear was all stained white. B/c she is a diabetic her vagina has always been very dry and never exhibited any discharge. I don't know whether to confront her or not (b/c of everything else that has been happening snce Oct. I now have my 'proof') so I decide to give her space to come out on her own. And here I am washing HIS semen out of her clothes. How humiliating!! December comes, she starts wearing make-up and curling her hair again (I should say here and now that my wife is an extremely beautiful woman - think Jaclyn Smith at 35) and wearing nice clothes. By mid-December she removes her wedding ring. On Dec. 28 during an arguement I ask her directly. She immediately averts her eyes and indicates that she will not dignify my question with a response. 11 p.m. Sat. January 4 she says she has something to tell me. She is quite distressed. I move beside her and ask what is it. All she can say is 'you are so naive', repeating this over and over. So I say let me help you, b/c she really can't tell me. So I ask her one question and she shakes her head no. Then I ask 'are you seeing someone else?' and she nods up and down. Question 3 'is it full blown sex and everything?' Again head goes up and down. Now even though I knew about this it was still like running into a brick wall at 110kph. I go to stay wth her mother but before I leave I pen a brief note of forgiveness and the only thing I can see at this time is reconcilliation.

However since that time, I have discoverd so many lies and so much deceit that the recon side of me is waning. I came back home Monday night and she went to her moms. After getting home I threw out all her lingerie and underwear, felling that I couldn't have that stuff in MY house. While doing that I discovered a sexy thong bikini (she told me she hated thongs) scrunched up in the back of her drawer, again all covered with dried semen. I had my sister come by to bag that p and throw it out.

So here I am today. I have read 'Surviving Infidelity', a number of websites, seen my EAP counsellor and spoken to many family and friends.

I am still leaning towards the recon side, but good God it is hard. As of Thursday she told her dad that she has no intention of breaking anything off in the near future. Last Sunday she told her mom that the affair was the most importnat thing in her life at this time. THE CHILDREN DON'T EVEN RATE. Give me a break.

If she could have at least told me, instead of me having to do it for her.

Any kindred spirits out there with an empty shoulder to cry on? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

First of all I would like to say how sorry I am. I really don't know what to tell you other than you are nicer than I would be. I don't know how you lasted this long, with the proof that you had to wash? (Can I also say ewww!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Know that I'll be thinking of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi and welcome to MB,

Sorry you are under here with such distressful circumstances but you are not alone. Please read the concepts section above and you will find that despite what has been thrown in your face, you are doing quite well. Now we can help you even more as you learn to move forward.

One of the important things to realize is right now your W is not herself. She has mutated into another being. Realizing this, you should not try to control this foreign object. Distancing yourself and keeping yourself under control is good for you and your family. Trying to teach her anything may be futile. Useful later but probably not right now.

Let's see if we can get a few of the other dads here to help you.

take care and keep posting.
L.

Hi Beeman,

I know this is the hardest time of your life. My H had an affair with a co-worker for 6 months while I was pregnant. He lived one big lie... including going on a "business" trip 2 weeks before my due date and seeing her the day after my daughter was born.

Consider yourself lucky that you found this site so soon! Read as much as you can and vent to the boards. I have found the people here are great!!!

It's been 4 months since I found out and it does get somewhat easier. When I first found out I use to imagine them together, obsess over what they did, who she was etc... feel sorry for myself that my best friend could betray me so much. Now I realize that the affair wasn't my fault, I did help to create an environment in which all my H emotional needs were not met. But it was his decision to have the affair.

Like my H it sounds like your wife is having a Emotional and Physical A ... I wish I had some great advice for you, I would start with a good Plan A, however, you're going to have the same problem I did since your W is seeing a co-worker. The NC agreement might create a problem because the 2 will see each other at work.

Any way, I wish the best for you!!! If you need to talk just let me know. I'm not the best person to get advice from based on my life but the people here are awesome and it's so much easier to talk to people who have been through the same situation.

Don't try to make sense out of the words that come out of your WW's mouth because you'll only drive yourself insane. She's right now in a mental state akin to a teenage girl that just discovered boys and nothing else matters. There's nothing you can do to end her A, but since you are here it probably means that you want to save your M, and therefore I would suggest that you consult with one of the Harley's to form a plan of action. In the meantime I would suggest that you read the Harley books 'Surviving an Affair'''His Needs Her Needs''Love Busters' and Michele Weiner Davis 'Divorce Remedy'. The two latter books in particular are more action oriented and I would highly recommend that you read them first and re-read them as much as you can to absorb all the hands on information.

Peace be with you.

Thanx to all that have posted. Your kind words are greatly appreciated. As we all have, I am sure my emotions chnage by the minute, the hour, and the day. But they keep coming back to one thing: we had problems (not her but WE), she found her solace one way and I found mine another (probably in books since I read a lot) and she is a wonderful mother and a great friend. And what would I do to any other good friend of mine? Forgive. And that is what I have done. It is hard, but it can be done. I guess I can forgive b/c the mistake wasn't the affair, but that we didn't discuss our problems.

I think that is why from the moment she told me all I can think of is reconcilliation. Don't know if that is a fantasy or not, by I am trying to move in that direction. Plus I have to move somewhere or I am dead where I stand. Here is something that seems so surreal to me at the moment. Since mid Oct. I have dropped about 12 kg (can you tell I am a Canuck with the metric?:-)) and I was ready to start the Body For Life program on Jan 6. Well Jan 4 put a cripper in that , but during the last week I resolved to get going on the 13th, so I could use the physical exercise to deal with the stress and use the program to develop more positive self mind control. So here I am week 1, day 1, and the upper body workout was fantastic. As long as I don't pity my self too much I should be ok.

Thank you all again.

Beeman

Beeman-

Sorry to hear that you find yourself here but it sounds like you're making some good decisions already. The exercise program in particular is a GREAT idea as it's a good stress reliever. Try to follow up with a healthy diet as much as possible.

As far as the whole forgiveness thing, don't beat yourself up when you find yourself getting angry. You sound just like me with I first found about my WW...R was the first thought in my mind and I recognized early on that forgiveness would be a big relief for me. I quickly discovered that feelings of anger WILL come out and there will be times when you don't feel very forgiving towards her. Hang in there and keep doing research and taking care of yourself. Good luck!

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

YEA Beeman! After discovering my H's A just this week I have (today-Day 1) begun the Body For Life Challenge as well. This is my second time doing it. I have decided to turn this horrible time into a time of change and I got so much out of the first challenge I did- it was amazing. I am attempting to recapture that sense of purpose and strength that grew out of it before. So good for you! I believe you will find strength and optimism in the program (and with our WS, we need all the future vision we can get, huh?) as well as a healthier you. Congratulations and stick with it- you won't regret it!
-kaat

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: kaat ]</small>

Congrats on the BFL too Kaat. I am on day #2 and was the aerobics ever hard. No matter what I would like to see the W and I do I can't help but feel that this program will be of benefit. I have been wanting to do it this since Sept. 2000, when I first bought the book.

Keep me posted on your progress.

Beeman