My W and I have been married for 3.5 years. In June of last year, she drove to Fl without telling me where she was going. I did not hear from her for 2 days. While she was there, she drank heavily. She lost her purse and all of her belongings. This included her car keys and money. She finally called me crying. I worked to get her a new key and wired her money to come home.

2 Weeks later, she was drunk again and confessed to me that while she was in Florida, she cheated. She says that she was so drunk, she does not remember what happened, and that she felt really bad afterward, when she realized what she had done. I was devastated.

When this happened, we had been going to marrigage couseling for about 2 months. We continued to go to counseling and we agreed to work things out. We read books and starting looking at ways to meet eachother's Emotional Needs. She promised me that it would never happen again and that we could make things work. I forgave her over time and the trust began to rebuild.

Recently, while drinking and fighting with me, she confessed to 2 more "one night stands" when she was out drinking. Again, she tells me that they meant nothing and that she really does not remember anything. I, once again, was so HURT. I immediately starting thinking about Divorce. I am not sure that I can trust her anymore.

She has a drinking problem, and I know that is part of the issue. But, I know that there are other issues, as well. I am not sure that we can work on the other issues while the drinking is part of her life. I am not convinced that she cheated because something is missing at home. I know that I am a good husband and I have tried to be her friend. All the while, she has pushed me futher away.

I started going to Al-Anon to get some help. I am not sure what else do to. I do no not want our marriage to end. I Love my W. But, I am tired of her leaving at night and not coming home until the next day. She tells me that she wants to stay married. But, she does not take any other steps to change things. I have asked her to get help. Go to AA, see a counselor, something. I am not sure what else to do.

She left last night after 1AM and is not home yet. She has not called, and her cell phone is off. Of course, I am assumming the worse.

One day, she says that she does not know what she wants, the next day she tells me that she still loves me and that she wants to make things work.

It is so hard to let go and let God take over.

Any advice appreciated.

Still_hurting_but trying

Her biggest problem is that she a drunk. She is doing things drunk she would probably NEVER dream of doing sober. And you are right, there is probably nothing lacking in your marriage that led to this at all. I shudder to think of the horrific ramifications of executing Plan A around a drunk. That would only enable them and allow them to continue their drinking.

I would recommend getting into Alanon immediately. And I would wait until the next time she goes on a bad binge and confront her the next day with her sorryass behavior. Tell her how disgusted you are, but that you love her and are willing to give her a chance if she goes to AA. Tell her that you will drive her to an AA meeting that night. {call AA and find out where the meetings are}

The dynamics of the problems in your marriage are entirely different than the problems that Marriage Builders treats. They treat people whose marriages are lacking and they have filled those needs outside of the marriage. She is doing this because she is a drunk and has no inhibitions. She probably blacks out alot of what she does and doesn't even remember it.

I have been sober for almost 18 years and the reason I am is because my husband was man enough to confront me about my drinking. In a drunken state, I brought a strange man home from a bar and my H ran him off. I was so utterly ashamed the next morning that I would have jumped off the roof if my H had told me to. I couldn't look him in the eye.

Instead he told me very calmly that if I wanted to live with him that I would not drink again and would go to AA. If not, I could get on a bus and go home to my mothers. AA or the highway. I knew he meant it. It scared me so bad that I let him drive me to that AA meeting. That was on April 26, 1985 and I haven't had a drink since. I am utterly grateful that he decided not to tolerate my BS anymore because I could have drank for a good many more years - drank myself into the ground.

<small>[ January 11, 2003, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thank you for your reply Melody_Lane. I have confronted her several times. I have also told her that I can not stay with her if she does not get help. She tells me that she will, but never does. She left the night before last and she still has not called. Our kids are wondering where she is. I am not sure what to tell them. I called her Godmother to see if she has heard from her. No luck.

I am going to Al-Anon 3 times a week. It does help a little. I am learning to let go. At the same time, I think it might be giving me false hope. I am not sure she will ever change. I am about ready to throw her out and move on.

I knew she had a problem when I married her. I guess I hoped that she would change. At this point, even if she does go to AA, I am not sure that I can trust her again. I do Love her. That I know. But, that is all that I know.

I guess Marriage Builders is what I will need if she gets sober. I tried to use the tools and information I had gathered from His Needs, Her Needs. However, it was a one-way street. I am so emotionally tired.

Still_hurting_but_trying

ML is correct. Yet, MB is still a good source of information, and it's got a lot of people who some have dealt with alcohol problems on both sides, so do keep posting.

I do agree that until you put your boundaries down and then keep them down...nothing much is going to change. You can't say one moment that if she does't stop she's got to go...then when she doesn't stop...you don't see to it she goes. You can't give her any mixed signals about what you will allow in your marriage and what you won't.

No you can't make her go to AA, or seek out any help. This is something only she can do. But, you can see to it that she doesn't bring it all home to you and your family. Yes...harsh, I know, but she needs to suffer fully all of what her actions cause. You should NOT cover for her, in anyway.

Does she work? Then never call in for her. If she doesn't work, this is one time where I think the spouse should control the household money completely and make sure that she has no access. Again, harsh.

I know you don't want your marriage to end...but at the moment...in my very humble opinion...you don't have a marriage. You're in an abusive relationship with a woman who is incapable of making wise decisions. Until she hits rock bottom, nothing is going to change. You need to "help" her hit. I'm not saying to cause her to, but to make very sure that you do nothing to make anything easier for her. ie...she passes out on the lawn, cover her with a blanket and let her stay on the lawn for all the neighbors to see (don't let her freeze tho), she's sick all over the bathroom, don't clean it or her up...etc.

The ONLY thing I would do is whatever it might take to keep her from driving drunk...if that means disabling her car and making sure she doesn't have access to your's then so be it. If that means going to pick her up dead drunk, then do so. Whatever it takes to keep her off our streets when drunk and the rest of us safe from her.

Good Luck, until she gets help...you're going to need it.

oh...forgot to answer your question:

YES! It doesn't have the emotional issues that an affair has, but betrayal is betrayal. Emotional affairs, ONS, short-term, long-term, drunken...still a betrayal.

I guess tough love is the only choice I have now. She is still not home, and no word. The kids are asking where she is.

I went to church this morning. That helped a little.

She doesn't have a job or anywhere to go. Her mom passed away last year, dad lives out of state (not a real good relationship there anyway). If I tell her to leave, she will be on the street. I am not sure that will solve anything. Plus, I am afraid that will hurt the kids even more. How else can I make her see "rock bottom"? I assume she will come home some time today. Do I ask her where she has been?

One side of me says that I should tell her to get out...while the other side of me wants to keep trying. I do realize that I am not really "married". She has told me for a long time that she is not happy, and she finds ways to blame me for this. It is clear to me that she is doing everything that she can not to spend any time here at the house, when I am here. Each weekend, she finds some reason to leave. Last week, she took our daughter out of town with her GodParents. While she was gone, she drank each night. She met some guy at a bar and has kept in touch with him this week. I am not sure if she cheated last weekend, but I think she did. It is such a vicious cycle. I called him to see if he knew where she was. He actually talked to me for a minute and said that he heard from her the other night, but that she was not there, and had not called him back. I have to assume she drank this weekend...I hope she did not drive. My mind is picturing the worse case scenario. I guess that is natural.

The question remains, when and if she shows up, what do I do?

I'm going to be really harsh here...but I'd tell her she isn't welcome in our home. I know you feel that this leaves her with no place to go...but she's been finding someplace to go every weekend or whenever she feels she needs to be anywhere but home.

This has got to be a negative effect on your children. What she is doing right now is teaching them all the wrong lessons in life, and you've got to protect them. jmho

You can NOT save her! I know how difficult it can be to have to stand back and watch someone you care about self-destruct...but you can only keep that from happening for the short-term, she's going to do it or else she'll hopefully wake up before she destroys her life and seek help...but until that time...you need to put you and your children first...and in my opinion, that means she needs to be completely out of the house until she reaches out for help.

If she blames you for the way her life is at the moment, and she wants to be gone on the weekends so as to not have any contact with you, then I would suggest that you respectfully tell her not to come back until she decides she wants to work on rebuilding the M.

Your situation is very similar to that of GreggM with his alcoholic WW and I would suggest that you read his threads because his handling of the situation is very constructive. His thread is titled Fog Breakthru?

Peace be with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still_hurting_but_trying:
<strong>I guess tough love is the only choice I have now. She is still not home, and no word. The kids are asking where she is.

I went to church this morning. That helped a little.

She doesn't have a job or anywhere to go. Her mom passed away last year, dad lives out of state (not a real good relationship there anyway). If I tell her to leave, she will be on the street. I am not sure that will solve anything. Plus, I am afraid that will hurt the kids even more. How else can I make her see "rock bottom"? ?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As long as she has some place to come home to and someone who will tolerate her drunkeness, she will continue to drink and party. Thank goodness she has you to enable her drinking!

NOW.......if you want to do her a favor, tell her she needs to find a new base of operations for her party life. Give her a choice: quit drinking or find a new home. No tapering, no "drinking only on the weekends," no "controlled" drinking, no silly con games. Quit today and go to AA.

She will either quit today or she will go to the street and hit bottom very quickly.

What hurts the kids is not having a mom - they don't have a mom right now. And they won't have a mom until she sobers up.

SHBT,
I know exactly how you feel. I have been in a simiar situation to yours for about 5.5 months.
If you want more detail on my situation and some of the steps i took, read Fog Breakthru, Out of the Blue and Wife Wants to Live with Lover.
All of the advice you have received here is right on the money.
Pay particular attention to TooMuch Coffee Mans advice. He knows from where he speaks. This gentleman was thoughtful enough to get me focused. It did not take him long.
You must remember ALWAYS, that you only have control over your actions. Protect the children from her destructive behavior. This means get her out of their lives and yours. Get legal help if nrecessary and Family Services help as well. You must hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

DO NOT let her fool you with her words.
They are meaninigless. Trust me, I KNOW.
If she is to be back in your lives, she must demonstrate it with real action.
In the meantime, prepare as though she is never coming back. It is now time to protect you and yours.

We are here to help.

I am not sure what my state of mind or for that matter, what my life would be without the terrfic people here on this site.
Know that we care and empathize completely with what you are about to endure.
Do not quit, you can do this.

I am afraid this situation is simply intolerable.
She is a drunk and a person who engages in unprotected sex during one night stands while she is drunk. You would be out of your mind to be intimate with her. Her behavior is beyond dangerous and certainly it will be a matter of time before she comes down with some serious sexually transmitted disease and gets physically assulted. She is putting her health and your health in tremendous danger. You need to protect your children. If she gives you her heatlth problems what is to become of your children? Her behavior is clearly reckless. Please consult an attorney to understand your options. Please contact your local county health office and tell them of your situation and their advise concerning sexual relations with your wife. She is destroying herself and your marriage. At this point it does not sound like you have a marriage anymore. I would be fearful of leaving your children in her care. You need to face reality. It is a matter of time that her self-destructive behavior will lead to horrible consequences. You need to be prepared. Good Luck.

Thank you all so much for your replies and posts. I am glad that there are people out there who have gone through tough situations and survived. Here is the latest:

W came home yesterday afternoon. She was very calm and told me that she wanted to talk. We went to our room so the kids would not hear the conversation. She sat me down and started the conversation by telling me that she loves the kids and me very much. She said that she realizes how much she has hurt the kids and me. She then took my hand and put my wedding band back on. Next, she put her rings on. She told me that she is ready to start over and re-build our lives.

I told her that I was surprised by such a turn-around. I have to admit that I am a little hesitant. However, this is new for her. Through it all, she has never been able to tell me what she wants. Last night was the first time she could. She told me that she wants her family and her husband...and she wants to be happy. I know that only time will tell. I am in better spirits today. I am going to have to learn how to trust her all over again. That will take time. She says that she is committed to getting help and staying sober. I realize that will be difficult.

One side of me feels that God has answered my prayers. Maybe she realized that I was about to tell her to leave. We have agreed to take things very slow and one day at a time. We both felt that was best. We spent the evening with the kids. They were in better spirits, as well. We didn't have to tell them anything. They knew that things were calmer.

That being said, I am going to continue going to Al-Anon and church. I plan to grow my spiritual life and learn to hand things over to God. I am hopeful that my W and I will work this out over time and learn to Love each other again. I am also realistic and know that from one day to the next, we could be right back to square one. At this point, I am praying for God's will to be done, and not my own.

I will continue to post updates, as I always need the support and encouragement from others who have gone through similar life struggles.

For those who wish to, please feel free to pray for us.

Hurting_less_today...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still_hurting_but_trying:
<strong> She says that she is committed to getting help and staying sober. I realize that will be difficult.

...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And how has she demonstrated that committment beyond words? Just remember, talk is cheap. And it is worse than CHEAP coming from an alcoholic, it is meanlingless unless it is backed with action.