My DH and I divorced almost 5 years ago. Ours was an international marriage and I had to move to his country when we got married. Our marriage lasted almost 3 years, but the culture shock, environment and pressure from his family were too much for me to take. I was so young then (20 when we married and 23 when I left) and just fell apart from the pressure, but he did not want to let go of our marriage. As a result, we waited for another 2 years before meeting up to sign the divorce papers. We cried so much after signing the papers.

A year after our divorce, he called to tell me he was going to remarry to this woman he had been introduced too. They got married on the 100th day of their meeting, because he needed to desperately forget me, and thus believed that marrying, having a family and kids would let himself forget me.

We have not had any contact or news of each other since his last phone call. Two months ago, for the first time in 4 years, I got hold of him on the phone. We have since had a couple long phone conversations. I am able to gather from what he tells me that I am constantly in his mind. He remembers me in everything he does and everywhere he goes with his family, but of course, he is not able to tell anyone ... all this while he and I had no contact whatsoever over the years.

I was taken aback by his revelations. I had thought that he would be happy with his new life. As for me, I had been in several relationships since the divorce, but never found anyone I really felt a strong enough bond with. I never found anyone I really loved that I would spend my life with, and never found anyone whom I felt really loved me.

I don't know what to do. Friends around me don't want me and him to ever meet up again because of the fact that we still love each other. I asked him why is it that time and distance have not taken away our love for each other, and he told me that we did not divorce because we had stopped loving each other, so these feelings and memories would still be there 20 or 30 years down the road.

People around me are terrified that we will get involved if we meet up agin. It is very painful because he now has 2 kids. I know this is a really sad and unfair situation for his W, but does that mean he has to stay in his marriage for the kids, even if he does not really love his W? I have been his W before, so I can understand the situation she is in. I had hoped to start a family with him ...

Is it so wrong if he and I were to get back together again? What if he leaves his family to come back to me? If he and I still love each other despite the divorce and after so many years apart, is it so wrong that we pursue our love?

I wonder how many people out there have divorced their spouses, moved on to other people, and still returned to their first spouses because they are still in love ....

Please help...

Sirena,

I understand how you feel about your ex-husband. I believe that it may be a somewhat normal experience. I , too am divorced and re-married. My first husband & I were married for 11 & 1/2 years and have two little girls together. I find myself thinking back about my first marriage wondering, "what could I have done to make it better and keep him from cheating on me." When we are together, due to the kids, we both still feel a little spark, but neither of us wants to admit it. I grew up with my first husband, we married at 18. I do love my current husband, dearly. We are going through some tough times right now, because of a pornographic habit he has formed. Which may be the main reason that I am curious about "what might have been"....

My advice to you, though. Don't do it. He has children with this other woman. And from that perspective let me give it to you straight. Every time the kids have a play or a recital, you will both see her. You never know how a mother is going to act in that situation. It took us a good 2 years to even begin to be civil to one another, because he married the OW 3 days after our divorce was final. I waited 2 years. And my oldest daughter has heard her father & her step-father fighting because she thinks he is still in love with me. Ther will always be a bond between him and his wife because of that fact. And there should never be a reason to break up a marriage. From what I understand, my ex-husband and his new wife fight a lot becasue neither of them trust one another. They both cheated on their spouses with one another. If your ex decides to have an afair with you, what will keep him from doing it again?

Trust me. My ex & I never would have dreamed this would have happened to us. Everyone always told us we were the perfect couple, like Barbie & Ken. He hated his father for having an affair on his mother. He hated his brother, when he had an affair. And his best friend of 10 years had an affair as well. He called them every name in the book. "Cowards, low-lifes, etc." His philosophy was: "If you are unhappy in your marraige, leave first". He was not a fan of affairs. But, he did it, too.

I am not trying to minimize your feelings, but honey when a divorce happens and children are involved, it is almost always a no-win situation. 90% of divorced families end up with the mom having custody and father with visitation. How would your ex feel about not getting to see his children but 4 days a month. I know my ex resented his new wife for about 6 months because of that. He even called me a month into their marriage begging to come back.

Please, whatever you decide to do, take plenty of time to consider all parties involved. I know that if I had a chance to go back in time, I certainly would have handled things a lot differently. I wish the best for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it so wrong if he and I were to get back together again? What if he leaves his family to come back to me? If he and I still love each other despite the divorce and after so many years apart, is it so wrong that we pursue our love? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">jmho...there isn't anything wrong in this.....unless he's still married. He should look at his marriage BEFORE seeking you out to discover if your free or available.

He's got one relationship right now with his W and one/several with his child/ren. These MUST be looked at, evaluated, and then....if he finds that he can't be satisfied or happy or contented, then he does whatever he must to end the marriage, keeping his relationships strong with his children....only then is he free to "look around".

I'd also think VERY hard about what ended your marriage to this man in the past. If he's not strong enough to stand up to family disapproval and pressure in a mature manner, IF you're not...then beware. Because more then likely the disapproval will be even greater then it was in past. You'll also be dealing with step-parenting...no fun in that! You'll be dealing with an ex-spouse...and you'll have no control over her actions...which can greatly impact your relationship. You'll be dealing with this man's feelings of guilt where his children are concerned...even if not warrented, parents feel a lot of guilt for uprooting their children's lives. You may be dealing with grandparents on both sides and you will be dealing with a lot of disapproval, pressure, confusion, saddness and fear. jmho

Personally...I'd tell this man, that whatever we felt for each other in the past...is at the moment in the past. That he needs to reflect on what he wants in his life...without needing you as a safety net. He needs to make his own decisions for HIM. That...if he ever has papers signed, sealed, and in hand...you would love to hear from him...but until then...he's got responsiblities at home and no right to drag you into whatever life he's made there.

Hello Sirena,

My advice is leave him alone. You have NO WAY of knowing what is going on in his M and how he feels about his wife. WS's lie to both the spouse and the OP. You divorced for whatever reason. You both moved on. Let it lie,and look elsewhere. Move on for your own sake and for his. You have the chance to stop this now before it gets too painful for everyone.

Deluded

Thank you for your replies kdsams and wifey 2002. I have been tormented for almost 2 months now. I cry constantly whenever I think about how we were so happy then, but it all ended when I left. I wish we had more communication and had seen a marriage counselor if only we had counselors available at that time, before we decided to divorce.

He waited 2 years for me to come back while he was entirely devastated and lived in a house without even unpacking the boxes. He told everyone that I would be back even though the days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and finally years, but he just refused to believe that I wasn't coming back. He was and still is in the military service, so he wasn't free to come get me where I was.

Other than cultural issues, I also had to take care of things at my own home. After a fight I had with my brother and him yelling at me to go back to where my ex was, my dad came to me and said that my mom had cried when she heard I might be leaving, and they both made me promise not to leave. There were just so many things that happened ... I think of so many things in the past i wish I had done differently.

We had both divorced, thinking time would heal the pain and the feelings of love would fade over time. However, I am heartbroken to realize that these feelings haven't faded one bit. We had just suppressed them in our hearts, not wanting to look at them anymore because it was so painful. It was also difficult for me to open my heart to other men in the relationships I had over the years, but I did not realize then that it was because he had always been there in my heart.

As for him, he got himself married and is suffering because everytime he is intimate with his W, he is reminded of me. Is once a month or once in two months normal???? I know it was his decision and he has to face up to it, but I do believe that he has not stopped loving me.

It is just so difficult and painful. I don't know what else to do....

Sirena --

You are welcome here at MB. I'm very glad you've posted your story for us to "chew on" with you.

You have an apparent dilemma here but it's a very solvable one. Your choices: A) Try for another go-round with your former H; or B) Turn your back and walk away. Let's dissect both for a bit...

"Two months ago, for the first time in 4 years, I got hold of him on the phone." -- Did you phone him? Had he been trying to contact you?

"I don't know what to do" -- Well, you've posted here for advice and counsel so here's mine:

"...does that mean he has to stay in his marriage for the kids, even if he does not really love his W?" -- Yes!

"Is it so wrong if he and I were to get back together again?" -- Yes! Given the circumstances.

"we did not divorce because we had stopped loving each other" -- Perhaps not, but the end result is new lives for both of you for the past five years. While you've had relationships during that time, he in fact has remarried and has a new wife and children, quite a compelling argument against this.

Want another? You two couldn't overcome the problems in your marriage, problems significant enough to end in divorce. What has changed, what has been "fixed" to allow you to think things could work this time? Is it worth the risk?

"If he and I still love each other despite the divorce and after so many years apart, is it so wrong that we pursue our love?" -- If both sides were equal, there would be nothing wrong in "pursuing your love." As it stands, there is much wrong with this pursuit, since his life now includes his family. You've had your chance with this man and it didn't work out. I say let it go.

We don't often get the chance on this board to prevent a destructive situation before it happens; we usually are picking up the pieces in the aftermath. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to prevent a disaster. Choose wisely...

Ammon

Thank you for all your replies. I will try to answer Ammon's questions...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ammon:
<strong>"Two months ago, for the first time in 4 years, I got hold of him on the phone." -- Did you phone him? Had he been trying to contact you?"

"You two couldn't overcome the problems in your marriage, problems significant enough to end in divorce. What has changed, what has been "fixed" to allow you to think things could work this time? Is it worth the risk?"

Ammon</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I called him and found out that he had also been trying to contact me throughout the years. Someone had been calling me and hanging up as soon as I picked up the phone. He told me that he even heard me say "hello" once before he hung up. He did not follow through with the phone call because he was not sure whether I wanted to hear from him.

Looking back, the problems that led to our divorce were rather insignificant and could have been resolved if we had taken time to communicate, or even gone to a marriage counsellor. I believe it was the first fight we had in our marriage. We just fell into desperation and pain as soon as we were apart and never picked ourselves up enough to think of saving our marriage at that time. I guess I am just thinking a lot about the "what ifs" and "what could have been".

As to what has changed that allow me to think that things would work this time, I would say the fact that we are both mature now and understand the extent of our love for each other. Before, we were not aware that our love for each other would last, and that's why we gave up so easily. We are also able to communicate better now.

All that said, I understand all your concerns about where this relationship might be headed. I would never want to break up a marriage, especially when kids are involved. If he and I are meant to get back together, it should happen only when he has problems with his current M and cannot live with his W anymore, and then he and I can look into whether we can get back together. I agree with what wifey2002 says.

But how do you deal with the pain that never seems to go away? How do you achieve closure? Does it work? After you have had closure, does it mean that you no longer think of your ex and the feelings of love and missing him would be gone???

Of course you don't forget! I'm on my second marriage, I've been married almost 24 years now and I am very much in love with my H and am deeply committed to him....however...there lives inside of me a young woman who loves a young man (my first H). She is alive as well. But this love isn't a love I could hold in my heart today...because I am NOT that young woman any longer, nor was he that young man (he died not too many years ago).

Now my first marriage wasn't healthy, there was abuse and there was betrayal on his part, but I did love him. Just because as I grew I discovered that our marriage wasn't healthy, didn't mean that all the love I held for him disappeared. It did change, but then so did I. If I hadn't divorced him, that love might have turned to hate through the years, but I did leave. So what love I held as that young woman I was able to save, like a faded photograph in a box.

I would never want to be that young woman again, but I'm not ashamed of her, nor do I downplay how she felt. It was real. Some of it was very good. But, while I don't drag up the bad memories as I feel there is no point...I also never completely forget...as that is the way to "what if's" in life....and my life is not a "what if" situation...it's is "what is"! And I like it that way!