This is my first time posting although I've been reading the information on the site and this forum for about two months. I'm not completely familiar with everything so please bear with me.

My H and I separated in the summer of 02 due to problems related to his abuse of alcohol. We were both in IC for our various issues but about a month into the separation he confessed that in the last 10 years he had two P/A's with co-workers. One lasted about a year the other was a ONS. We have been together 28 years and married for 24. We have a S who is 24 and a D who is 19 and lives at home with me. Following a period of shock, anger, crying, etc. I committed to working on the marriage and we started to have long talks about where things went off track. We seemed to be connecting in a way we never had before even though I could not get him to agree to move back home or consider MC.

Well about a month later I visited my H at his new residence to find him drinking with another woman. She is another co-worker and both were very drunk. OW left after a slightly ugly scene and he confessed to having a P/A with her since he moved out. He said before that they were "just friends". From everything I've learned since this is strictly a P/A and he sees her sporadically. During the course of our conversation that night my H also revealed that he had been the victim of sexual abuse for a period of about three years when he was a pre-teen. I was the first person he admitted this to and he also revealed that he had thought about suicide many times because he could no longer surpress the memories.

Since then our relationship has followed the pattern I see talked about here so often. H has refused to end the A or to move back home. I did reveal the A to both families and some of his co-workers know as well. He says all the typical things - I love you just not in love with you - I want to remain in your life but as a friend. He is adamant about not having sex with me even though he confesses from time to time that he thinks about it often. He has finally acknowledged with the help of his IC that he has been abusing alcohol and is making slow but steady strides in addressing this problem. They have yet to tackle the abuse issues. I too am working on issues that I know allowed our marriage to get to the point it did.

Recently my husband agreed to MC and our first appointment is coming up shortly. Things had been going fairly well between us even though he refused to talk about the A or confirm whether it is still ongoing. I have been trying to do a Plan A with moderate success (still some outbursts and LB's) and he has commented on how well I am handling this situation and what a beautiful person I am. However, this week everything went off track. He became increasingly moody and finally this weekend stated he wanted to end the marriage and for me to go to a lawyer and begin the process. I suspect that he was with OW this weekend and perhaps slipped back into drinking as well. When I asked where he was (mistake I know!) he became extremely angry and told me that as we are separated it was none of my business, he was fed up with this and for me to file for divorce. I calmly told him that I wanted to work on the marriage and if he wanted a divorce for him to file. He said he would and slammed down the phone.

Today he is back to his old self. He apologized for the outburst of temper and recommitted to MC. I have told him that until we have our first session I do not want to be alone with him as I am afraid the situation will get out of hand again. He says he understands and has agreed to this.

My question to anyone who might have been in a similar situation. I am committed to my marriage and truly believe under it all my husband loves me. However, he says the abuse has really messed him up and he can't love me the way I want him to and we are better off as friends instead of H and W. Is this the Fog or are these other issues too big to get beyond. My IC says my H has a lot of work to do on his other issues before he may be ready to tackle the marriage issues so what do I do? Continue Plan A and try to be patient. Also, is there any point to MC in these circumstances?

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long.

Hi and welcome to MB,

I am sorry you are here with this issue and know that you are dealing with more than one battle at this stage. You do though sound like you are being level headed and seek direction when needed. This is good. Also I see that when you H is sober and level headed he is seeing his issues. He needs to stay that way to deal with them.

Alcohol and A are a bad combo. Built into that a psyco OW and you have a making of a M bomb. So get on board with the info here. Can you also get a phone counseling session with Steve or Jennifer? Also read up on the books Surviving an Affair and his needs/her needs.

I recommend you take this thread on the GQII board and look up a poster named: BrambleRose. She has dealt with the alcohol/A issue quite well and a few others have also. You will find support there.

This place is a bit slow on the weekends but a few of us check in everyday.

Again, welcome to MB and let us know how we can help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Thanks for your reply. I have to confess that I have been reading almost non-stop these last few months - on infidelity, male sexual abuse and substance abuse. Sometimes it gets a little mind boggling. I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for quite some time and have learned much there as well.

How do I take this thread to GQII?

Thanks

Welcome married4life...

There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

There is no easy way to move your GQII...
the easiest way... is to 'drag' over your text (highlighting your text)...
...copy the text by pressing 'alt'+'C'
...then create a new post on GQII... then paste... by clicking in the 'Message:' box and pressing 'alt'+'V'

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim / NSR

Hi M4L,

Good to hear from you. All that reading will pay off. Guess what??? You have a post from one of the greatest guys here: NSR. He has helped so many. This guy keeps everything in order. Please read the references in his thread. It will be helpful. NSR also puts things in concise order so that those of us in the fog or shock can comprehend and move forward.

About your moving this post to GQII. Well You can hi-light the thread line at the top of your computer and go to GQII and start a new one there. In the body of your post paste this thread. That way others can reference what you wrote. You can write a short paragraph explaing in your or you can just copy and past your entire 1st post from this thread onto your new one on GQII. It is simple (trust me I am not a 'puter xpert!!! ).

In the meantime read read read. I read for 10 hours straight when I found MB, then copied all the concepts section and put them in a binder. Read it and handed it to the WS (who wouldn't know real gold from fools gold - during the A heyday!).

take care,
L.