I found an email to my H on xmas day from a woman my husband went to school with mind you only for a year she was a freshman and he was a senior that read.. Tues Dec 24 9:46 I hope you enjoy the holiday too, maybe we will get to see each other soon. Where are those Pics??? Still waiting, thought I would get one for christmas. xoxoox merry christmas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This was in response to what my H wrote her as follows Dec 23 Hey you : The attachment didn't make it ... I hope you enjoy the holiday. If we don't get any of the white stuff Christmas day maybe i could arrange something.... So what do ya think somthin fishy or what ???

Have you asked him what this means?

Perhaps you have and he's denied anything's wrong, which is why you're asking here?

I'm sorry, but it looks conclusive to me. Don't get hung up on whether it's physical or not - it doesn't matter. He's arranging to meet another woman behind your back. That's a betrayal.

Before you do anything else, read the link in my sig line and start getting smart on all the info available here. Post back with more of your story and your family details, etc. DO NOT confront him any further until you tell us your story or you get advice from a counselor. The reason for this is that you can make it a lot worse with the wrong reactions.

You have found a wonderful resource here. You will get great advice and compassion - there are lots of folks here who can relate to your situation.

Mystafied --

First, welcome to MB. I'm glad you've joined us but not happy at all about the problem.

This email certainly has questionable overtones, doesn't it? On the surface, it sounds like your H and this woman have been in contact for a time and both are expecting that contact to continue. What you've read is part of an on-going situation of some familiarity and comfort for both. The xoxoxox's are just a part of that familiarity. Actually, your H's email is somewhat less "involved" and suspicious then is hers, but nonetheless...

The bigger issue for you is their inappropriate nature and threatening and potentially destructive significance: what do these emails represent? Your "gut" feeling is a good gauge and your discomfort with these emails is on-target. I agree with your "red flag" and "fishy" feelings.

While it could all be "nothing" to H (his probable response: "she's just a friend"), the bottom line is YOU are not comfortable with this relationship and it needs to be addressed and stopped ASAP. This contact between them is inappropriate on a number of levels: 1) You didn't know anything about it; 2) He's keeping it hidden from you; 3) She's way too cozy and chummy with a married man; 4) It's just one piece of what appears to be some sort of improper relationship.

Opposite-sex communication and contacts need to be formal and business-like (especially since emails are readily discoverable), unless one doesn't care about the very real risk to one's marriage. Do you have any other clues to support this email?

Have you talked with H or are you waiting to confront him with this? Asking is better than accusing, but you need some answers here. I don't like it anymore than do you. Put it on the table and see what he says in explanation. Be prepared to hear things you may not want to hear, or be prepared to have it brushed-off as inconsequential. In that event, you need to make sure he understands your uneasiness and discomfort and that you won't tolerate this in your marriage--period!

Please post again soon and give us an update. We're here to walk this path with you...

Ammon

ok here goes when I first saw the initial email from her i was absolutely devestated my whole body shook and i had avery hard time gaining control we have been married for almost 20 years we married very young .. we have 3 children 2 boys are still at home one is 18 and the other is 15 our daughter is on her own and engaged . It took a few looks to even notice that this was in reply to an email he sent her .. when i saw that i was equally upset . .. nice xmas present huh?? my husband is a humerous person with a bizzare sense of humor sometimes .. I sensed when i read his email it was meant as a joke .. I wasn't going to question him i wanted to wait watch and see but i couldn't contain or mantain he works 3rd shift and his normal routine would be to go to work christmas day night because he is on 3rd he was taking a nap when i discovered these because he was due to work that night after a few hours i tried to mantain and casually went in the bedroom to wake him and to find out if he was going to go to work we live in new england and we where getting a major storm that day into the next he said he didn't think so because it was already so bad out he sensed something was wrong and questioned me i tried to avoid it but broke down i asked him if he had something to tell me if there was something i should know and if he was having an affair he denied all .. i then told him about the email he was upset and he swears it was just old high school friends talking and joking around and he meant absolutely nothing by it at all .. there was also a few emails from another girl that he dated for a year in hs and was his first experiance this one lives far away and seemed much more innocent and less frequent the other one lives in his old home town now and is a hour away from here and right next door to where his mom lives now .. i was devastated to say the least i feel it was innapropriate and sneaky he says he did nothing wrong other than not telling me he was in contact with them and that he feels had he told me i would have been upset blah blah bla you know the drill , so he chose not to tell me he claims they both contacted him, first because he is registeredon classmates. com and he just responded he swwears he loves me and cherises me and dosn't need or want anyone else he also says he had absolutely o intentions of ever meeting her he also exteneted an invite for all of us to meet if i wanted she is supposedly happily married with 3 kids herself (for the second time) i find that hard to beleive ecspecially where her profile on classmates . com states that she would rather not talk about her life right now... he also reveled to me that she had stated to him in earlier emails that she had a mad crush on him in hs and should have jumped his bones when she had the chance... and that when he graduated remeber she was a freshman she wnet thru the line twice to get a hug and kiss him thats his explaination on how it turned a little sexual ... cuz i asked how it got to that point and he had also told me he did say to her abyut that that he thought she was cute back then too but she was too young .... i know this is long i am sorry ..so anyway we just bought asecond home in florida a vaction home we have so much invested in each other i love him with all my heart ... he swears he would never do anything to loose what we have he has cancelled his email account and promises to never be in contact with either of them again also he just turned 40 today and he lost his dad to cancer this summer ,,, when his dad did in sept he looked to me and told me he absolutely loved and cherised me ..... ps i also just had a hysterectomy in october.. we have gone to one counseling session i have to admit it didn't seem to help i eat sleep and dream of this every day i just can't seem to get it out of my mind i wake up in the middle of the night and the words of the emails go round and round in my head and everything that has been said or done in the last 3 months comes into question ... its the worst pain i have ever been thru in my whoe live .. he says he is sorry he hurt me in one breath and in the next he still matains he really didn't do anything wrong other than not telling me ....help please ..

Mystafied --

I know how much you are hurt by this, how devastating and immensely painful these discoveries are for you. Remember that we're here for you so you can post to us anytime; the simple act of "writing it down" helps greatly in your healing. Know that you're not alone with this. Thanks for filling us in with some background.

"...you know the drill" -- yes, we do, and it's exactly what I expected his response to be (see my first reply to you!). Why do people think that they are saving their spouses worry and pain when they keep such contacts hidden? Because they know what they're doing is wrong.

Your H may not in fact think that he was doing anything wrong, but the odds are he did (why hide it from you?). But he certainly knows now! He knows how very much he's hurt you. The bigger question then becomes: what's he going to do about it? The issue is not so much that he has made a mistake but how's he going to get out of it? How is he going to "fix" this fracture in your relationship?

You're tremendously hurt by his thoughtless and harmful actions, and rightly so. Not just one woman but two have been in clandestine contact with him. Not good.

But I see some positives here: he seems genuinely contrite and sorry for what he's done; he has cancelled his email account; he promises to cut all contact with either of them again; he swears he loves you; he doesn't need or want anyone else; he had absolutely no intentions of ever meeting her; he's even offered for all of you to meet = all solid signs. Sounds good; now can he walk the walk. Actions will tell over words any day.

I'm encouraged by his reactions. At the very least, he was getting something out of these contacts; some of his needs (EN's) were being met outside of the primary relationship. Maybe an age 40 MLC, but something that needs working through for both of you. May I suggest counseling for you both. If he's serious about helping this marriage, that's an excellent place to start. What he did was beyond the bounds of a healthy relationship; those problems need to be addressed so that they don't reoccur and reproduce.

Let's see now where this goes. It sounds very fixable to me given his apparent proactive path to remedy things. Your pain will get better with time and with his involvement. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to recover. We're here for you...

Ammon

oh god thank you i really needed to hear that !! i certaintly hope it is so i want to save this marriage ....i think he does too..at least i hope so