I need help with my feelings.

I posted a subject at the end of last year when I found out that my H was having an affair with a co worker. Since then we have tried to get over this and he is loving and caring and swears that he has not made contact with her.

He has been off his work this past week and I found out last night that he has to go to a meeting on Wednesday in the office where she works and he is frightened to go. He tells me it is because he does not want me getting upset but I think he is afraid of his own feelings for the W.

This is his job and I feel he cannot keep hiding from her but the other part of me says KEEP AWAY. I have told him to face OUR demon and think that this has to be done before I can be sure that it is all over.

Am I doing the right thing? He is in a position in his work that he HAS to go to meetings in this office. I don't know if my heart can stand this anymore!! He swears he wants to stay with me and our 2 kids but how can I know this for sure.

Does anyone out there have any advice to help me get through this?

KatHurt

Grit your teeth...and ask him to call you before the meeting and after. While I never think it's a good idea to have any contact with the OP once you're in recovery, sometimes it just isn't going to work out that way. But the best way to lay these fears to rest is for him to be completely honest and try his best to relate to you whatever happens in the meeting. No matter how small. Giving you the truth is the best tool he has to reclaiming trust.

You two might discuss what boundaries you'd like him to stay within. Such as...not sitting with her, not chatting with her alone, not spending anytime with her one-on-one. Making sure that he is "busy" if she tries to get him aside, etc. Making sure that he keeps it completely professional and businesslike...nothing personal in any shape or form.

I find it very important that he's afraid of this. You're looking at it in one way, and he's looking at it in another. Perfectly man/woman thinking being different.

Likely your H is being truthful as to why he is scared. He feels that the two of you are rebuilding a better marriage and doesn't want anything to set it back or damage it in anyway. I doubt seriously if he's "yearning" for this OW, as if he was, you'd already be aware of this and you likely would NOT be aware of this upcoming meeting.

Thanks for your help. He didn't go to the meeting. He claims he was not well but I think he is afraid of seeing her. He is ashamed because she left her husband too and now he is back with us. We have been married 21 years and she three!!

I read about plan A and B. Where and what is this?

Your words give me the courage to carry on. My kids are sad and my heart aches but I must try to get over this nightmare that has taken over my life.

Thanks again

KatHurt

It's possible that he's feeling a lot of guilt over the breakdown of her marriage...but that was her and her H's choice. Hopefully, he'll get past this shortly.

Plan A and Plan B: They are on this site, go to the home page and it will give you all the information. I'm not for sure exactly where they are...but start reading...you'll find them.

Basically, Plan A is the decision to work on YOU. Making you focus on what is positive in the marriage and downplaying what is negative. (Personally, I think it's a great plan to try and follow during recovery. It's a great plan to help make you focus on you instead of your spouse. It's a great plan to build yourself into being a better person, with or without your spouse. I'm not as impressed with it if dealing with an on-going affair...but do see that it has some good points if your couragous enough. JMHO) But, it would benefit your recover if BOTH you and your H could try and follow it during and after recovery.

Plan B...isn't something you need...but...it's a plan used with an on-going affair which just won't stop. It's cutting all contact with a WS and not meeting any of their needs. It is pulling back and allowing them to "miss you" and to keep yourself free of the drama and pain of WS continuing affair.

It's sad that betrayals must impact our children, but most of the time they always do, even if the children are unaware of the reason for the tension in the home. But...you both love them...they'll survive and they are also learning valuable lessons right now on how a married couple work through problems. Not a bad lesson to learn.

It is a nightmare, isn't it? But you can overcome. Keep working on you...both of you keep working on your marriage...you'll make it!!!

Good Luck as you travel your healing path.

KatHurt --

Just want you to know that I'm in your corner with this. I'd posted on your other thread about ten days ago and was hoping that you were still hanging in.

You are so very fortunate to have Just a Wifey 2002 on board with you. She's a gem! Even if no one else joins this thread, you're already in very good hands.

I was encouraged to see that you'd termed it "our" demon; exactly how it needs to be viewed. You can't know "for sure" that H has recommitted to you and your marriage (what can any of us know for sure anyhow?), but in the absence of contrary evidence, maybe the "benefit of the doubt" can be the operative direction for you. Your trust has taken a major hit; give yourself time to recover and heal. I think that trust after an A is the element that takes the most time to be restored. Have patience with yourself; you can't do it all today!

Are you surprised H didn't attend the meeting? But it just postpones the inevitable. The more important consideration is his mindset anyhow. Where is he with things? Sounds like you're still on the upswing so I'm encouraged for you. Hang in, Kat...

Ammon

Thanks you guy for all you help. I have no one here to help me through this. Yes, I have friends and family but they don't know what I am feeling inside. I am putting on a brave face but inside I feel like dying.

I was not surprised about him not attending the meeting. He told me that he did not tell me sooner because he was trying to protect me for the worry!! What do you guys think? He is guilty about the mess he has created but he cannot run away from it. It will still be there later. I feel the sooner the better. Am I wrong?

We both love our kids deeply and he is deeply sorry for what he has done to them. I know that for sure. He tells me that he wish he could take the hurt away from my eyes as this upsets him too. Everytime we are apart it kills me. I had no idea that this affair was going on so how do I know what he is doing behind my back now?

He tells me that I am being silly and that he would never do this again, but I can never be sure. He is trying really hard, I know that and may be I am expecting too much from myself. I don't know.

I will try to find the posting regarding Plan A and put this into action. I am a very postive person by nature so I am trying to keep the chin up!!

Any advice you guys as to how to get him to tell me about his feelings? He is a very deep person who keeps his bad feelings hiden.

I appreciate all your help here and thank you both for your ongoing support.

A smiling

KatHurt.

Kat...I'm not in the least surprised that he put off telling you about his meeting. It is somewhat understandable, from his POV, as he knows that whenever something comes up like this...it's going to be a set back for you. Yet...You're right, he needs to really understand that putting it off wasn't his best course of action.

NOW...it is GREAT, that even tho he did put it off...he did tell you before the meeting was to take place. That's a plus for him. (You know this really is hard for him, he doesn't want you hurting, he knows you are, and then he has to go and tell you something that is going to bring it all to the forefront of your mind again. As if it isn't there already <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...but he's hopeing.) So yes...sooner is better.

YOU ARE NOT BEING SILLY! Tell him to stop that...even if he does mean it kindly. This isn't something we can just "get over" and go back to trusting. His reclaiming of the trust he threw away will not come easily or cheaply for him. He'll have to work very hard to get even a small part of it back. But once that first small part is regained, it seems easier for the other parts to be granted.

Let's be honest here...IF...he wants to have another affair...he will. BUT...you're eyes are open, you know some of the signs, you've got your "gut" feelings. (Altho, for several months after d-day, I tend to feel that gut feelings are not a very good indicator of what is happening...as our emotional stabilty is in doubt.)

The biggest roadblock to having an affair is a spouse who will never look the other way when something is "out of balance". We won't wait to see if things settle back to normal...we question, we seek answers and if necessary...we snoop.

As I was blindsided by my H's affair, so too were you. While I knew in my head that he was capable of having an affair, my heart told me different...well...my heart was wrong.

Yet...my H choose to stayed. He sure didn't have to. He took all the abuse I dished out...and I dished plenty. He continue to show me each day that he was exactly where he wanted to be. He did what he needed to do to let me begin my healing path.

Yes, I know that he CAN cheat again...but then so too am I capable, as are we all...but we choose not to do so. We've fought long and hard for our marriage. Rebuilding put our marriage on a crisis level that it has never faced before...but together we've learned valuable tools and skills which will hopefully keep our marriage much safer from bad choices in the future.

But it didn't happen over night...it tooks MONTHS...so yes...I think you are expecting too much of yourself at this stage. jmho

Since I know next to nothing about your H, it's hard to offer advice on how to get him to open up. I'll tell you what H and I did...might work for you...might not.

We wrote to each other! A LOT! We found it easier to open discussions by writing. This allowed me to re-read his messages when I needed to really know what he was saying. (Hearing often is difficult when hearing through the pain. Misunderstandings are too easily given and taken.)

He was able to reflect on what he wanted to say, rewording as needed instead of replying off the top of his head. (Something that often got us into arguements.) If I had questions, I wrote them down...this allowed him time to think before trying to answer. And I posed some really hard questions at times.

After we'd hash out a topic for discussion in writing, we'd take it face to face. We both were able to start with some idea of what and how the other person was thinking and feeling. It helped us.

Good Luck!

Thank you again for your reply. I get up each morning and look for your advice. It really helps me thanks.

You sound so wise. Your advice on writng down questions will help a lot. I will try it. Everytime we do talk. We end up crying and I feel it sets us back.

My H meet this girl through work. She is 10 years younger and he tells me it was never physical but hey!!. Just kissing!! He would meet up with her 2/3 times a week for coffee and he tells me he could talk to her. I have always seen him as my best friend but that was a surprise as well.

At his Xmas nightout I went to pick him up and he came out of the club with HER. He even asked me to give her lift to the station. I knew then something was going on.

I went to bed leaving him downstairs but got up after 30mins. I caught him texting her. When I took the phone what I saw was horrifing. Telling her how much he loved her, how beautiful she was need I go on!!

I asked him to finish it and he promised he would ut the next day he went to see her and then phone me to tell me that he was not coming back. The rest was a nightmare. We had 48 hour of hell.

He came back after that full of remorse but by that time I was shattered. He told me it was infatuation and he wanted to be with the kids and I!!

Now I try to move on one day at a time but I check his phone all the time. Which does not make me feel good.

You seem really strong, give me advise as to how I can be too.

Thanks again

KatHurt

STRONG???? ME???? Sure didn't happen overnight. I'm going two plus years into this and it took me until fairly recently to accept that I made the right decision to stay with my H. I questioned EVERYTHING! Not only about his choices and actions but about my own.

You're just starting this path, and hopefully with the help of those here who have a lot of wisdom and knowledge will help you avoid some of the many pitfalls that I fell head first into.

You do feel terrible when you snoop...but...you feel as if your drowning if you don't. It's a catch-22. You want so desperatly to believe in your spouse...but you can't. You're fighting your own desires as much as anything else.

Something comes up and before you realize it, you've trusted him...then oh no!....you think...should I have taken what he said at face value??? You second guess yourself, you run around in circles, you feel as if you can't breathe!

I assume this is pretty normal. Seems to be something that most of us deal with. At least, I sure did.

I just KNOW that if both of you work really hard, you both commit to making your life together better...you can do it. I would give anything if I could tell you it would be easy, or that there isn't a lot of mis-steps and errors you both will make...but I can't. This is HARD!

But...YOU CAN DO IT!

Hey, don't put yourself down, you are strong. You have come through your nightmare and some I bet.

My daughter phone me at work today to tell me that her dad had been gone to the shops for 30 mins (for a paper). Even she cannot trust him.

He has made a promise to them that it has ended and that he will never leave again. I want to believe him but well.....

What makes them do it? Do you think it is the fact that we are so used to the life we have and nothing is as exciting as it is with the other W? What's your story? I need all the advice I can get.

But you know something? I don't hate him for what he has done to me and the kids. He is a good man. But I just keep on wondering why? He tells me that he has never stopped loving me but if so why?

I feel I have found a friend in you. I lookforward to your replies and it is your advice that keeps me going. Maybe in a year or two I can be like you.

KatHurt

I hated to see that your DD felt she had to call you about her dad. I understand how and why she feels as she does, but I too hated what my H's affair did to our DS (dear son). It's so unfair that our children must be so hurt, distrustful, and sad...when they had nothing to do with any of it.

What makes them do it? Goodness knows I haven't a clue. I've read all the "reasons" and I've thought up some on my own...but when I come down to it...I always see so many other options that could have been taken...anything but the betrayal choice.

As to the main factors in each situation, they are all different...and all the same. I had the same marriage my H did, all the pressures, all the problems, all the family stresses...yet, he chose escape into "la-la land"...I chose buckling down and working through to the other side.

It's so hard to accept that our WS loves us! They love us before the betrayal, during the betrayal and after the betrayal. We look at them and have no idea how in the world if this is true, they can do what they did. But affairs are not about us...they're not about reality...they're not about anything by self.

For whatever is lacking...is lacking within the person who betrays. They look outward for what can only be found by looking inward. They get a "quick fix" for an issue where a "quick fix" won't do the trick in the long run.

WHY? Oh dear, the question we all ask...and one that no matter how truthful, how honest, how much our WS try their best to answer...we're never going to be satisfied. We may understand why their "reason" had an impact on thier decision...but we're going to come right back to seeing all those other options.

He's a good man...who made a bad choice. One that hurt everyone he loves. I'm willing to bet that he hates having to get up in the morning and look into your eyes or the mirror. I'm willing to bet he's lost a lot of self-respect. He's wondering how in the world he allowed himself to get into this type of mess. How could he ever allowed himself to do something which has caused so much sorrow to those he loves.

MY SAD TALE! But with a happy ending!
VERY LONG and it's still the short version! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Married coming up on 24 years. My second marriage, H's first. I brought two DD (dear daughters) into our marriage, my H adopted them after my xH stopped all contact for five years. We have one DS together. We had the "storybook" marriage. We agreed on most items, had the same goals, so we never learned to communicate about really hard issues.

My H comes from a very abusive childhood. He has been on anti-d meds for the majority of our marriage. Important info!

During the few months before his affair began, we were dealing with both our DD's having high risk PG's, one lived 4 hours away from us, the other 7...I was doing a LOT of traveling back and forth being with whichever one needed me the most at the time. In the middle of all this, my 85 year old mom had to have quad by-pass surgery....which no one thought she could survive...SHE DID GREAT! BUT...I then became her main caretaker, also.

NOW...my H was GREAT during all this. He supported me and gave me much of my strength to keep going and being the "rock" for everyone else. HOWEVER...he was beginning to feel really overwhelmed himself. Unbeknownst to us...his anti-d meds had stopped doing their job. He had not been back for an evaluation of what was needed for a couple of years. So his depression came back full force.

He didn't feel as if I could handle his problems on top of everyone else. Plus, the depression by it's very nature makes it almost impossible to reach out for help.

Then along comes a co-worker. We had met her, her H, and her DD during a week business/pleasure trip several months earlier. We all had gotten along well. But, the friendship had never really gotten off the ground once we returned home. (She worked for same company as H, but in a town about 40 miles away.)

It started rather innocently, as most do. They were assigned a very important project, which meant they had a lot of work related information sharing going on. Then they started flirting (the end of March 00) mainly over the internet, by the middle of April my H and her allowed our families to began spending time with each other on weekend. (This is the one issue I still have problems with...I did NOT need to be included in their affair as a helpmate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

During this time, my H was enjoying all the ego stroking she was giving him. He is extremely smart and very well thought of in his choosen profession...and she was in awe! Have to admit...I stopped being in awe a long time ago...it's just part of who he is to me.

But, my H began to feel guilty. Yet, he felt that since they hadn't "done the deed" he wasn't in an affair. He decided to surprise me with a "second honeymoon" cruise! YIPPEE for me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> This took place in June 00...right before we were to leave...she just had to prove her love for him...they both told their bosses they had doctor appts, met for a couple of hours in the hotel...then back to work.

For my H, this was the beginning of the end. The guilt ate him up. He could no longer lie to himself about what he was doing. He began seriously thinking of suicide. He didn't want to continue the affair, but he didn't want to hurt her, he didn't want to stop the affair, but he didn't want to hurt me. Now, my H loved her, I have no doubt...but then, so too did I. She was smart, attractive, fun to be with and I thought a good friend to both H and myself.

In the middle of July 00...As he was leaving for an oversea's business trip, he left his email account open on our computer...being the nosy person I am...I looked...and my world shattered. (He still isn't for sure if he did this deliberately so that I would find out and take the decision out of his hands, or if he was just stupid!)

I called him home from the airport...bags had to be pulled off the plane...and collected the next day. He came home without knowing for sure why...I wouldn't say, but he feared. Of course...he denied...then he tried to downplay...then when confronted with his own emails...he admitted.

The affair was over. He did have some phone contact with her over the next couple of weeks. Took a lot of teeth pulling to get that information...but eventually, I did...as I knew it and was looking for proof.

He immediately went to his doctor got re-evaluted and put on two different types of anti-D meds which has made a world of difference in his outlook on his life. They discovered he also has a chemical imbalance which is also being addressed.

We went into individual counseling and marriage counseling.

I did EVERYTHING wrong. I screamed, I cried, I raged, I withdrew, I left, I came back, I attempted suicide, I ended up in a hospital behind locked doors....I really lost it!

BUT...my H stood by me every step of the way. He allowed me a freedom to go into every aspect of his heretofore private life. He gave me passwords, he gave me access to anything I asked for. No, he didn't like it...but he did it anyway.

As with most, he tried to "protect me"...which did delay our healing, it was very hard for him to understand that I not only needed the truth, I had to feel that I was getting the truth.

We've come a long way on our healing paths. It sure hasn't been easy, but we've learned to communicate productively...we've even learned how to fight productively. We both know just how close we came to losing each other.

While I would never tell anyone a marriage can become stronger, healthier, more loving because of an affair...it can definitely become all that and much more because of rebuilding after a crisis.

I love him! I know he loves me! All the hard work of rebuilding our lives together....WAS WORTH IT!

Ask any questions you'd like expanded on. I'm pretty comfortable with all this now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Really hurts today. It has been a month since the "Mad day" and I am feeling really low.He won't talk to me but he does keep on cuddling me and telling me that it will be alright.

He is going on a business trip tonight (for 1 night) and I have taken your advice and written him a letter(which I have put in his bag). Don't know what the outcome will be, I asked some pretty hard questions. Will let you know.

Thank you for all your help but today I keep asking myself is this really hapenning to me? We had what I thought was a strong relationship, so when did the cracks start?

You are strong "just a wifey 2002". Don't put your self down. By reading your story it gives me courage and I admire you for all you have been through. Do you really feel that I can make it?

KatHurt

Kat, just chiming in and saying be strong. Yes you can make it. Don't be too concerned about feeling a particular way so early on. You will still experience a rollercoaster of emotions, it has been only a month. Read much here and you will see what you are feeling is normal.

Here have a hug {{{kat}}} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kat...there are still days when I think..."Am I dreaming?". The disbelief that any of this could possibly be true? He's not that "type" of man!!! Know while I know it happened in my head...sometimes my heart just wants to scream out that "it ain't so!"

So this is normal. Also, sad days will overwhelm you, as will angry ones. It's up and down, back and forth.

The only thing in your post that really concerned me was:

[QUOTE]He won't talk to me...[QUOTE]

What did you mean by this? The two of you have got to communicate. Now, if this is only a time to take a break for a while to give each of you some reflection time, or just to catch your breathe...that's ok. But if he's "shutting down", then you want to make sure that he doesn't continue this process.

HUGS!

He has just left for his trip. I am reflecting on the same date last month when I thought he was gone for good.

I know he cares for me. He shows that in so many ways. He is a kind man. Always very attentive. He has told me that everything will be alright and that he will not go again but he says that going over everything will not help me and that it will just make me unhappy. He doesn't seem to see that I need to get things straight in my head and at this moment in time I need to talk to him.

When I ask him questions he tells me that it was all crazy and he is with me because he wants to be with me but I feel he is side stepping the isues. I want us to go and talk to someone but he says we can get through this by ourselves.

He tells me that he never really loved her and that it was all infatuation but how will I ever know for sure.

Thanks for all you hugs and support on this sad dark day for me. I am having trouble keeping it together today. I feel weak and pathetic. This once very strong person cannot cope with all this pain.

KatHurt

Thanks for all the hugs

You're right...you both need some outside guidence, but...you can't force him to go...therefore...you go by yourself. Hopefully, he'll then see that it is helping you and be willing to open up to the idea of counseling. But, don't wait on him to make this decision...you make it for YOU and seek help.

Most WS would really love not to have to talk about their affair, I mean really, if you'd been so silly as to risk your marriage, hurt everyone you love so badly...would you want to talk about it? BUT...always a but <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...more then likely he's going to discover that he's going to have to talk about it with you before you're able to really start the healing. That's just how it works.

It really doesn't matter at this point if it was infatuation, caring, love...whatever it was...it wasn't that deep feeling that lasts. If he's honest about the infatuation...and I am sure that there is a lot of truth in this regardless...then he's given you the whole truth. IF there was more, it's very possible that he's re-written history so that in his mind, he's still telling the truth because that's how he now precieves it to be.

You may feel weak...but you're NOT. You're still here, dealing with all this which is so overwhelming at times. That takes a LOT of courage and strength.

Remember, it's ok to curl up and cry. Tears unshed often sour our soul. Doesn't mean your not strong, it means that you are dealing with your emotions. And sometimes crying is the only recourse which works. You've been hurt...badly...it's normal to cry and feel sad.

HUGS~

Thanks for everything you guys.

He will be home in one hour. He phoned me today and thanked me for the letter. He told me he loved me and expressed how hard it will be to answer my questions. All most impossible he said.

Feeling really low over these last few days. Surely, this must get easier but it seems to be getting harder over the days and not the other way.

I am frightened of what will be said tonight, if anything!!

I keep telling myself that it will be okay in the end but when will this leave my thoughts. Every minute I feel that I am thinkin about this mess. WHen will it end?

Love to you all for all your help

KatHurt <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

NOTHING!

Nothing was said by him about my letter!

He kissed and cuddled me. Told me that he missed me but nowords about the letter at all.

What do I do? I now have the feeling that he is still seeing her and that to speak about it will show it in his eyes or am I just making this all up in my mind?

This is hell!! Why me?

Kathurt <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sounds pretty normal to me. Remember...he doesn't want to talk about this. He may also need a little time to reflect on what you wrote...give him a little time to get his thoughts together. IF...he doesn't bring it up tomorrow (today now) then ask him when would be a good time for him to sit down and discuss your letter. This way, you're giving him some control, yet you're letting him also know that he is going to have to deal with this.

Don't let your imagination run wild! I know almost impossible not to, but try. He did come home when you expected him to, right? He was affectionate, right? YOU didn't bring up the letter either, right?

Be calm, be gentle, and at the same time make him aware that he can't put this off forever. A day or so is understandable...longer then that is not acceptable. Even if it only him asking for more time to give you honest answers...he needs acknowledge it. He may want to take it in pieces...my H did. So we would talk about it section by section. Really a good idea, as whenever it starts and you began getting answers so often it leads to new ones. So be prepared to take this slowly.

Take breaks, make an agreement BEFORE you begin that either of you can call a break if things are getting too hard to handle...BUT...make sure that you agree on a time to resume before breaking.

Good Luck!

Still nothing!

I have asked him why and he has said to me that it is easier for HIM not to talk about it. As you have said he says if he doesn't talk about it it may go away. It won't.

I have explained how I feel and he promises to answer the questions but I am still waiting.

She is back at work now. I asked him if he was seen her yet. He tells me no but how can I be sure?

Trying to keep up beat but my guard comes down all the time. Had a real bad dream about her last night. God this is hell.

KatHurt