Kat u still here?

Just going to work but can read there Wifey!!

HUGS!

<small>[ February 07, 2003, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

Hello

I have had a real busy couple of days since I last was here. We had a rotten night on Friday. My doing again I am afraid. Told him that I needed more attention and it went on from there. Needless to say I had had a few wines. Told him about my worries about hem meeting. Need I go on. I stormed of to bed leaving him to sleep on the couch.

Went down stairs at 2.00am and dragged him up the stairs. In the morning he just asked me (calmly, which is not like him) why i had attacked him. The answer....I don't know why. FEAR I think.

Yesterday we agreed, no fighting . We had a good day, not great but good.

Today I told him that I wanted what he had with her. I asked him "Do you not think that I would like a bit of excitement in my live too?" Think he tought I had gone mad...

It is our first session tomorrow and I have had not excuses as yet. Finger crossed. I have not taken the medicine yet. I do not want to really use them but if things get really bad again, I will.

Days are so long at the moment. I cannot believe that it has only been 7 weeks since this nightmare begain. Will it be like this for the rest of my life? God please, I hope not.

Thanks for the address Wifey, I need advice.

Love
KatHurt

LOL...sorry to laugh, but am sure that all those rotten nights we had...I was to blame! But only in the fact that I had to get out my emotional overload, not for why I was emotionally overloaded.

Going to tell your right now...do NOT drink! At all! I found that when drinking all of the negative emotions would come spilling out! I too would just "give myself permission" to say the most hurtful and damaging things when drunk. It was very counter-productive. So I was on the "wagon" for almost a year. If I did drink, I never drank more then one glass of wine.

Glad you dragged him up to bed and that he calmly talked to you the next morning. You got the answer to his question correctly. It is fear! It's being so afraid that everything in your life has/is changing. It's having no control over yourself...wondering who the h*ll is this woman????

It's pretty usual to have a good day or several after an outburst. I think the outburst releases some of the pentup emotions which really do need to come out...but maybe in a more productive way. It's hard to discover what those productive ways are...as right now...you are overwhelmed.

He thought you "had gone mad"...because he isn't looking at that time as "exciting", he's seeing all the negatives it held, not the positives which we are imagining. He's thinking of all the lies he told, all the fear of being discovered, all the sneaking and hiding in corners.

Got to say, I disagree with your decision to not take the medicine. It is NOT going to cloud your mind, it is not a sign of weakness in you to take it, it is not a bad thing. It can help you, but not if you let it set in the medicine cabinet. It will not take away all your pain, but it will help you control your emotions some. It will not make "everything better", but it will make it easier to think clearer.

Good Luck on your first session. Don't raise your hopes too high, too early...this is a long process.

No, this will not last your lifetime. It will get better. MUCH BETTER! But there will also be many more days of worse before the much better arrive. Wish I could say that everything is going to be just fine from now on...but I can't. You've got a LOT of work ahead of you both. But, together you can overcome anything.

Hugs!!!

Hello

Having a really bad day today. Is this really worth all this pain? I am beginning to doubt it?

If he was gone then may be I could smile again? But deep inside me I know that i have to do this. Is it for me or am I just holding on to hope? The kids need the stability of the family home.They need their dad. But I have my doubts that he needs me anymore.

The more I try the more I sink into dispair. It has been 8 weeks now and I feel it is getting worse instead of better. My days are long. I think of nothing else but this mess we are in. How did I get to this stage?

I sit waiting for him to call me from work and when he does his tone tells me that he does love me. I know he cares for me but is this pity now?

Feeling very sad today. Planning to go away with him for the weekend but don't think that he really wants to go. I feel he is just trying to smooth over what has happened. I need to feel loved again. I want what they had together but know I can never have this.

Deep despair

Kat

Kat, I hope you don't mind me stepping into this thread. Your last post- every word- exactly where I am. It was chilling to read. You have every emotion, every thought, every feeling I am going through. I also 2 kids at home, etc.. On one hand, I'm so so sorry you are going through this.. On the other hand(you could say selfish), it was so nice to hear that not just me has these feelings. There are nights I feel so alone even though he's right there beside me. I feel in a vacuum and forget that others are going through the same thing. Sorry if I misstepped by being on this thread! I'm new here as of yesterday.

2boymom...welcome and no problem with any stepping on toes. Reading other's posts do give each of us a feeling of not being so alone. Hope you found something useful in Kathurt's thread.

No problems with jumping in. Good to hear that you also know whats going on in my head.

Listen to the advise given and try to put into practise.

We have been off work yesterday and spending time together is sooooo much better.

Heard more about the new job. It is definate that H has it as I heard him on the phone to his boss discussing it. One problems before he starts it. He has to go to her area and tell the teams himself about the new guy who will take over for a year. This is planned for mid March. Any advice on how I/he should handle this.

Going away for the weekend now. Wish me luck.

Love

Kat

Kat...Congrats to H about his new position!!!

As for the trip in March...anyway you can take time off and go too??? If you feel that it would be more productive to his reclaiming trust for him to go alone, then the two of you discuss what you need to feel secure with this trip.

I know you're concerned because of the "closure bit" which came up...so am unsure as to what you feel you might want him to do, or what you think you need to do.

This should be a topic of discussion at your counseling session! Really look at it from all sides, LISTEN, and see if you and H can agree on how best to handle this.

You might also want to post this problem on the general question board to get more ideas from other's experiences...a broader range of ideas might be really helpful!

Enjoy your weekend!!!!

Hugs!

<small>[ February 14, 2003, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

Hi

Here I am again. Another day antoher worry. Yesterday was a fairly good day. He seemed in a better mood. Chatting freely. I tried to keep positive but it hurt.

I then begin to question if he had seen her (Not to him. Here goes my imagination again. (I think).

Really worried about the meeting.

KatHurt

kat...I know you're worried about this meeting, but at this point, neither you nor your H has an option about avoiding it. See this meeting as an END to his bad choices! He's faced with this meeting because he CHOSE to change positions so that he would not have to face being in contact with her in his old position. This is a GOOD thing, in the long run. Yes, it's not so good in the short run, but...it might well lead to a much greater sense of security in the future for YOU.

You'll no longer have to wonder if because of his position at work he is forced into contact with her. He is doing everything he can to make contact with her something which won't come up again and again and again. While even a one time contact after he's tried to abide by the NC rule is not what you want it's not something he is seeking out...he is forced to do this one meeting. It's a group meeting, it's not one on one....hopefully, he'll be able to avoid any one on ones, although, she may well seek him out, but if he holds true to himself and to you...even that should not be such a blow to recovery.

Just tell him to be as honest with you as he has been being, that this is his best chance of reclaiming a large dose of trust here. If he carries this off with the least amount of contact and reports faithful to you what happens...you may find that he deposits a load of love units and trust units (which at this point is even more important then the love jmho). Impress on him that he has a wonderful chance to prove to you his commitment to your marriage! I think he'll live up to your expectations, as long as you are very clear as to what they are!

HUGS!

Rollercoaster ride starts again!!!!!!!!!!

Major shouting in my house last night. He was working late (which IS part of his job). Me being doubtful of where he is. Daughter telling her father that he has brought misery to the house. Son staying silent (as usual).

I just want to scream. I just want this to go away. He wants to go back a year!!!!!!!

Back down to ground after a lovely weekend.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KatHurt

I keep telling you...this is NORMAL! It really is! This is still NEW! You haven't gotten to a place where you can control your emotions...and you're not going to for a while! You're H is going to be frustrated! MAJORILY! He's doing what he hopes is going to help...then it doesn't, he doesn't know what to do, he can't "fix" it! He feels as if no matter what he does or doesn't do...it's wrong! He'll forget about those moments AND so will you, where you both were calm and talking reasonably, you'll remember the blow ups, the hurtful things said or left unsaid...Sit yourself down and THINK about what has been positive the last few days.

Don't know your household situation...but if at all possible tell the kids...this is between you and H, stay out of it, they aren't helping! Don't allow them to come in on one side or the other, it will only create more problems down the road. If you can...get some of those ground rules down...one of the first ones for you and H is to set a place to go when things are getting tense where the kids will not be involved. This can be hard, and it won't always work out this way...but do your best, ask H to do his best.

You can do this!!!! Your H can do this!!! Take a deep breath, calmly tell H you're sorry for your side of the arguement, the timing...whatever you can truly be sorry for. Open those communication doors again, don't allow them to be blown shut by this.

(btw...DD and DS might need some counseling through this...might want to talk to H about it.)

HUGS!

Hello

Thanks for the advice Wifey. I know you keep on telling me that it is normal but it is very hard to deal with (as you know).

I will have a word with my daughter. She is very bitter towards her father. She is of an age that she can understand what has happened. (17). H was always a very loving and thoughtful dad and she (like me) does not know why this has all happened.

Tonight was fine again. No fighting. No tears. In fact it was pretty good.

I sometimes think that he is not seeing her again and then I am thrown into confusion again on the strength of one word/action.

I must try to get over this. I must try to pull my self together. I don't eat. I find it hard to sleep or concentrate on my work.

Two months. That is all it has been now. Two months. Roll on April. That is when he starts his new postion, away from HER.

Love to everyone

KatHurt

kathurt...April will arrive! You'll be shocked at how much easier it will be for you when you know his position has changed. Not that it gets easy that soon, but easier then it has been. Right now you've got this meeting hanging over your head and heart...so this is harder then normal right now. Keep your focus!

When my sweet DS figured out that H must have had an affair, he was a lot like your son, silent. In fact, it took much too long for me to figure out that he did know...too wrapped up in my own pain to see his! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But what helped him most was both H and I sitting down with him at different times, assuring him that we were committed to staying together, working through all this and making our family "safe". We NEVER went into details, or at least I never did, but we both allowed him to express his fears, his anger at his dad and validated that he had every right to feel the way he did. But...that his dad and I loved him AND each other. We would survive, we just wanted his support for both of us in our struggles. We were pretty honest with him (and later with our DD's who we continued to try to keep in the dark as they had their own families). It wasn't easy for him or for our DD's when they found out, but once they knew we were committed to each other, they were great about supporting us, not asking too many questions. Anyway...worked for us.

HUGS!

Feel quite strange just now. All of a sudden I feel calm.................... The nightmare is not my first thought in the morning when I wake anymore........Two months on I feel it is not the end of the world anymore. Is this normal? Will this feeling last or will I fall deep into despair again?

After a really bad night midweek I feel that I cannot go on killing myself. I cannot let this nightmare take control of my life and rip it apart. I have decided to try with all my might to get "better" but know in my heart that ther will always be a part of me that will be missing.......

This weekend I am going to do my best to be the loving wife I once was, before this mess.

Hugs

KatHurt

Kathurt...this too is normal. Each of us react and heal differently. If you feel this way...GREAT! Yes, you may have some moments of despair, then again, maybe not. There is just no way of telling.

I HOPE sincerely that this does work this way for you! (No, it didn't for me.) Just don't raise your expectations so large then feel as if you fail if you do have some backsteps. Take it one day at a time, enjoy each joyous moment, and deal with any negatives in the best way you can.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!!

HUGS!

Hi Kat. Just wanted to say that I feel and understand every word you are saying. I am new to this site, but not new to the infidelities. In June of 2001, I found out through a bizarre event, that my H was having not only one, but two separate affairs. One affair was with a woman 7 years younger and that affair had been going on for TWO YEARS. The other affair I believe was the result of the ending of affair #1 with a woman 15 years younger. We have 3 kids same ages as yours plus a 10 year old. I was completely blindsided, had no idea, thought we had a perfect marriage. I was absolutely devastated. I was physically ill for weeks and then got professional help. I knew that I would not make it on my own. When I realized that I could not function as a mother, I decided that I had to get help. This is so difficult. It is so very painful, but it does get better with time. I love my H and want to see us have a happy family again. It is possible. Why he did it is not about YOU. Wifey is giving you excellent advice. It is not your fault, it is nothing you did or did not do, it is about your H and the things that were not right with him. My H is now in deep therapy and is discovering things about himself and his childhood that are painful. It is difficult to observe. It is sad and I love him for trying. He is working on forgiving himself and forgiving his parents and hoping that I will forgive him. I am trying and can honestly say, that it is almost 2 years later now and I am still not sure if I have the strength to get over this. Try to get some professional help for yourself and do some special things for YOU. Do what makes you happy. Try to do one good thing for yourself every day, even if you don't want to. Take a walk, take a kid for a special dinner or movie, work out, whatever makes you feel better. I used to take lots of long hot showers every day with great smelling things! Little pleasures can help. Educate yourself. Read about all of this, get as much info as you can. The healing for you will come with your eventual understanding and it does come. I am finally beginning to put it all together; it's like a puzzle and your H doesn't want to help you with the pieces because he doesn't really want you to see the whole picture, because it is so ugly. But in seeing the whole thing put together, you see the picture and then you feel the truth, then comes the understanding and then comes the new love and trust. This is crazy to say, but I think I love my H now more than ever. I think my H is rock bottom right now; he also has a drinking problem, but I do see him trying to fix things and this helps a lot. Please hang in there and I will always answer you. I hope that you can eat and sleep. Try to take care of your body, you need it to be strong to get you through this. I feel for you...good luck.

Wifey, having trouble with my e.mail today. Don't worry, meet you for tea/coffee tomorrow.

Hugs

A stronger Kat