My W and I had a major set back in our road to recovery. I am in the process of being investigated for an A and she requested statements that were part of that investigation. I was able to get a hold of them and send them to her. There was a part in the statement that she was not aware about and she was angry. I tried to talk to her about it but it just came out as if I had misled her. I do not know what else to do. I have tried to be honest with her and tell her how I felt and feel now. I have kept things away from her at first becasue I wanted to protect her. I know that was wrong and I finally told the truth. Now she is at a point that she is tired of all the talking and the lies. We have been apart the entire time that she has known about the A and I believe that has made it more diffecult. I will be home in two weeks or less, and I keep telling her that when I get home she will see that I am putting in the effort in this relationship that she needs and wants.

I have already set up a retreat for both of us to go on to discover who and what we are and what we want. I know that I want to be with her and only her and I am willing to talk to councilors and the such. I am also tired of talking over and over about this, but that is the only way right now I have to let her know what I am doing on my end to help us. Since she does not see it, she does not believe that I am doing anything to prove to her who and what I want. I am lost without her and I want to contine being with her.

At times she puts words in my mouth, saying things to degrate herself and make her sound bad. I get so angry when she does that because they are entirly untrue. It is like she is making things up as we go to make her sound horrible. She is the most beautiful, trust worthy person I know and I have been terrible to her. I need help because I beloeve that she will not last very much longer.

You've hit a roadblock that almost all WS hit. Something which should have been told, wasn't, and when it comes out later...bam! Back to square one.

You now realize that "protecting" her from the truth is only going to backfire. So, you've learned one of the hardest truths about rebuilding a marriage. The time for protection has passed, that time came around before the affair began...when you didn't protect then...you should NOT try to protect later.

If there is ANYTHING else which hasn't come forth...Tell her as soon as you get back home. I can't imagine how anyone can do true rebuilding while long-distance. jmho

IF at all possible, see if she will agree to just wait until you'll be back home where the two of you can work together, in person, face to face. It's so easy to miscommunicate even when face to face, it's almost impossible to communicate well long distance. You'll be home within two weeks...hopefully she'll agree to put things on hold until you're home.

When you do get home....sit down and answer ALL of her questions as honestly and completely as possible...but with kindness. (ie...yes, we were at "X" hotel...no...we broke the bed) If she asks a question which you need to reflect on...tell her to give you a little time on it.

You want to give a complete and honest answer, not one off the top of your head...which often can get you into deeper trouble. Take breaks! But set a time to come back and discuss it again. If one of you get's too emotional, have an agreement before sitting down that either of you can call a break, but you must set a time to resume...before breaking off.

A BS doesn't take one step on their healing path until they FEEL they are getting the truth. While it can be very difficult to hear the truth, we must feel that we are getting it.

Now, this may mean that you're being truthful...and she isn't buying it. This is normal, especially since she feels that you've continued to lie after d-day. It's up to you to be consistent in your answers, to allow her to check the sky if you've said it's blue. Understand that she must FEEL that you're doing your part, not only that you must do your part.

As for the put downs she is doing to herself, this is a self-esteem issue which isn't unusual either. She's had a very hard hit to her self-esteem and it may take a while to rebuild this. Continue telling her exactly what you said here...that she's beautiful, faithful, gentle, kind, caring, loving, etc. That what happened while it hurt her terribly, it wasn't for any fault in her...but was a fault in you. One which you will fix and make sure never happens again.

Good Luck!

I agree very much with the advice u recieved and u must be completely honest . I would like to add a couple of things everyone is different so all BS mite not agree but some times putting herself down is for your attention witch u should give she may want to here all those things over and over again about being turt worthey and beutiful ect. keep on saying them and get ready to take abuse , u can never take enuogh for what u did (SORRY I AM NOT BASHING) Just that u can't understand the pain she is going through .

And she will come at u with everything all the anger and pain just to see if u can take it and if u are there to really work on your marriage and if u can't put up with her "attitude" that she may have well then she will take that as a sign that u are not truely sorry .

I am not saying she will do this but she may and it is not saying it is healthy for her to do it but she will need to find that out on her own .

I want to say I think it is great that u found your way here and that u know u made a bad desion and your wife means that much to u , take every step to SHOW her that she is your QUEEN .

MUCH LUCK