D-Day December 11. We had a big blow out on the 24th of December. Hubby promised no contact on the 25th. Plan Aing it in full force since the 25th. for those who dont know me my husband had a PA for one week while away on buisness. Claims he loves her???? She lives in another country so now it is an EA via emails and telephone calls. He promised no contact on the 25th 3 weeks ago. I know this has not happened. When I asked him he lied to me and told me he had cut contact. I know his email password and I know this is not true. I am reading Dr Harleys book and I am aiming for the 6 months but I dont know if I can. I want to come clean and tell him I know he is lying but if I do he will just change his email and continue lying and then I wont know what is going on like I do now. I dont know how much longer I can take this. Things are getting better with us he now kisses me and hugs me and day by day it gets better and when I think things are on the right track I see an email he sent to her about how he wants to be in his arms and how he misses her and loves her. He has not been able to tell me he loves me at all since D-Day. I want to give up..........Help

Hurtandalone:

I'm truly sorry for the pain and confusion you must feel right now. I wanted to respond because I saw no other replies. I'm not the most experienced at this. I did not plan A with my WW because she agreed to NC and with the exception of a phone call a few weeks after the agreement, she has kept her agreement to my knowledge. My understanding of plan A is that it involves separation without LBs for approximately 6 months in order to let an A die a natural death. To whatever extent you LB in this period, you might be sending your H right into the OW's arms. Are you actually separated from your H?

You mentioned that things are getting better, although they are not quite as good as you want. Perhaps this is a good sign that your plan A is working?

If you are separated and on plan A, I would recommend not telling your H about that you know he's lying for two reasons: 1) you would be tempted to LB big time during the ensuing discussion (see above), and 2) you will have to reveal your information source, which right now may be your only way to verify his truth or lies to you. If or when your H comes around to his senses and agrees to a radical honesty policy, you will need to know at that time whether he's truly committed to it (i.e., he will tell you about the lies he told during plan A).

That's just my two cents. I'll bow out and let the more veteran plan A/B people reply. Good luck!

Hurtandalone --

Don't give up! It's way too early in the recovery process to know how things are going to go. I know you're discouraged and feeling alone with this burden (you're not, you know, that's where we come in), but you have to look at the big picture; keep your goal in sight. You're just on the first unsteady steps of a long and difficult journey; if you pack it in now, you'll never reach your destination.

"Things are getting better with us" = perceptible improvement. Remember that H's withdrawal process will not necessarily be up and steady; expect as normal periods of backsliding -- expect them as normal. The A is an emotional bond and often needs to take some time in its disengagement. That's desireable since you want it to be solid and total.

It is so painful for you to read H's words to OW; they hit home with such force and magnitude. How recent was the email you discovered from him to OW? Since his Christmas Day promises? Are you worried that by confronting him with your evidence, any progress in your relationship recovery will be undermined? As you said, if he wants to, he can just change email addresses and continue. But if he's going to keep this going, he'll do it whether he's at one address or another. At least with this one, you can "monitor" things in secret. I'd probably wait and see, keeping in mind the expected and frequent ups-and-downs of the exiting process. Remember that he's got to WANT to do this for you and your marriage.

Just want you to know that we're thinking about you and what you're going through. Please post again and give us an update on things. We're here for you...

Ammon

IF...you're not going to confront your H about the lies and with these emails...STOP READING THEM! They are NOT helping YOU! (Altho, you may still check to see if they are continuing, just don't open them.)

Few affairs actually stop dead at confrontation. It does take a bit for the WS to pull themselves away from the OP. So, continued contact of some kind does happen more often then not. While this isn't pleasant, it is normal.

In a weird, off-beat way, you're lucky in the fact that she's half a world away. At least it is only long-distance contact. While this is painful, it's also not condusive to a reality based affair, it's more a fantasy one.

Keep meeting as many of his EN's as he'll allow you to meet. Things are improving...that's the start! While they may not be moving ahead as quickly as you would want...at least they are moving in the direction you desire. Keep your focus on the positives as much as possible.

Hello
The email he sent went out this morning. The moment he got to work. He hugged me hard and kissed me twice and then went off to write her. He said he wished he could be sleeping in her arms. It makes me sick. Since the 25th the emailing has been steady. I know at least 4 calls. Often times I am not able to read what he writes as she just writes back and does not reply to his emails. So I only see one side. Things are getting better with us like he is holding me and kissing me he even came to my work 2 time to see me and invite me out for lunch. We go out on the weekends we have drinks and talk about our business and the future. He asked me to search about going on a trip up and coming. We have not had sex since the affair. He has been sleeping in the same bed as me for a week and a half now and every night he gets closer. He doesnt hold me in his sleep yet. I am trying to be patient. I know he cant possibly love her I just want him to open up his eyes. I guess this mood swing of mine started when I found a letter he wrote me at the begining of our relationship and it said how he was falling in love with me and hoped I felt the same. I have not been able to stop crying since last night. Where did we go so wrong?

Any more advice

Ammon
i need your advice

Hurtandalone --

I'm here -- sorry I couldn't get back to you right away. I know you're hurting with this, a lot, but know that you're not alone; we're here to walk this path with you.

I'm glad that you've had the presence of mind to write to us when you're at those very low points, when things seem more intense and painful or when you feel especially hopeless and overwhelmed. Just the act of writing it down is healing and cathartic; a smart and very helpful way of dealing with the pain.

I can imagine how hurtful and awful it is to be told the things you're hearing from him; they would make any of us sick. We've all heard similar things from our WS's but reading them again brings those feelings right to the fore for us. I'm sorry, Used, he's not doing this very well at all.

Now that you know that his email contact continues (at least for now), is it wise for you to keep torturing yourself by searching for fresh evidence every day?--just thinking about how to protect you from further distress.

It's a strange and unclear situation: you are able to see behaviors (holding, hugging, kissing, lunching, trip-planning, sleeping in same bed, etc.) which allow you to feel better about your relationship and give you some optimism. On the other hand, there are areas which still need work: lack of sex, and an on-going EA for H. One thing causes the other: a continuing A usually guarantees no sex for the BS. Normal, pathetically normal.

You're right: he can't possibly love her. As long as The Fog is in, his eyes will be clouded over with the cataracts of deceit. He won't really be able to work with you on your marriage until he has ended the A--period!

"Where did we go so wrong?" -- The point is that you realize it, now does he? Will he? Can he? Remember that this A is was his choice--a poor and very weak one--but his nonetheless. You didn't cause this A or cause him to take that destructive path. Something in your relationship and in his mind led him to believe that this was an acceptable way to go. That missing puzzle piece needs to be explored with both of you. Counseling would help immensely. You will want the answers to help you understand and to prevent a reoccurrence.

Hurt, you need to know that this is fixable. For now, you're doing more than your share to hold things together (and doing a great job!). Read Just a Wifey's post again. Keep your focus set at long-term. This isn't going to happen overnight. How much patience have you? How much is this worth to you? Give it time and let's both hope he continues to slide over a little closer each night.

Ammon

Hurtandalone --

Just checking in with you. Haven't heard from you for a couple of days and I hope that you're still holding on.

Please post at least an "I'm still here" message. We're thinking about you and continue to be here for you...

Ammon