I am not sure how much longer I can do this. My H has been telling me half truths since I found out. He finally started coming clean, but only after I told him that I knew he was keeping something from me, and thatI contacted a divorce lawyer.

I cried last night for the first time in a while. I thought we were making progress up until about a week ago. Now i feel like he has been lying to me all along. I am so miserable. I can't eat or sleep, I am so depressed. I want to just crawl in a hole.

I am questioning if my H even loves me. It seems that he has lied about having feelings for this woman. He claimed it was only sex, but now I have found out that he did care for her, and he lied to her about the status of his marriage. When she found out, she left him. I feel like he only decided to work it out with me because she left, and he had no one else. Her friend said he told her, that the only reason he was going back to me was for the sake of our child, and that staying married to a woman he doesn't love is the sacrafice he has to make.

I am really trying to hold this together. I don't want a divorce, but I can't stay with someone who does not love me. I can't go talk to anyone about this because my H has told me he will not sign the divorce papers, and i am afraid that he will use my therapy against me to take my child. Somewhere in the back of my mind, i feel like he still wants her, and might go back to her and try to take my little girl from me. The OW told me that they were planning to do this. My H swears that this is not true, but I can't trust him, he has been telling me half truths since the beginning. One of which was that he did not care for the OW, and was never affectionate with her in public. Not true, he went so far as to tell her he loved her and would prove he was divorced by producing a copy of the imaginary divorce decree.

Not only was he lying to me, but he was lying to the OW as well. I can't believe how much he has lied to everyone.

I am really losing my mind. I don't know what to do. I have basically become a weeping mess. I feel like the most ugly, stupid, ignorant, mean woman on the planet. Why else would someone who is suppose to love me do this to me. I feel so worthless. HELP! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like the most ugly, stupid, ignorant, mean woman on the planet.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and that thought needs to be removed from your mind! Trust me, I was just feeling the same way and the people here managed to give me encouragement to pull through. Yes, it is hard but please think positive about yourself.

I wish I could offer more insight but if you read the material provided here you will gain some wonderful insight on what you can do to not only make yourself better but to also give your marriage a chance to recover.

Samiace...

I know what he's doing to you...as I did the same to my wife. For the firt 5 months of recovery after d-day...I wasn't thinking rationally. He's lieing to everyone...but most of all he's lieing to himself. Right now he thinks the OW is the answer to all of his emotional needs...he can't see you for who you truly are. It'll take time for him to break free of her. The chemistry that he feels for the OW is unmeasurable. He feels like he's dieing inside. This will subside...if he's having no contact with her...it took me 5 months for me to break as a man...to emotionally break down. It took me that long to really look at my life and to look at the choices that brought me to the crossroads I was at.

Sometimes you need to be walked to the edge of the cliff to realize that you don't want to jump.

Hang in there...all is not lost. I had real love feelings for the OW....with time and distance these feelings subside. Then he'll be able to put those feelings into perspective.

Beemer

Samiace-

Sorry to read that your H has been less that honest about the particulars regarding his A. I know from personal experience how painful it can be when the BS discovers that a once honest spouse has turned into Pinnochio. It's devastating!! I think the WS's get into such a routine with the lies and deceit that they become numb to it after awhile. Just hang in there and know that you'll get through this and will be stronger in the end! When I have those tough spells you're describing, I always think of the passage in the bible that talks about how suffering through our trials produces perserverance. We can then endure the pain which produces a new sense of character. This renewed sense of character will then lead you to HOPE. Good luck!!

Sami,
I can relate with you. In the beginning of this mess, my H would answer my questions with half-truths....like when I asked what her name was he gave me her maiden name thinking I wouldn't be able to "find" her that way. He would tell me ONLY what HE felt I needed to know. But what he failed to realize was that I took the small details he gave me and pieced together the complete truth....including finding out her married name AND finding her H and spilling the beans to him. The one thing my H found out in all this was to NEVER underestimate my intelligence. I may have been blind and even ignorent to trust him, but by golly, he'll not try lies with me again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I did a complete background check on OW and found out she had done the same thing with SEVERAL men at my H place of work. When faced with undeniable truth, my H had to admit that PERHAPS she wasn't as great as he'd thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Your H possibly thinks you will believe what he tells you and not "dig" to find answers on your own. Honestly, I became an arm-chair detective (found out I'm quite good at it too lol)
My H tells me now how amazing I am to him, and that he is impressed that I could have found out so much on OW with just the barest facts. Believe it or not, my H is proud of me for "outting" him. I think it's a relief for him to not have to hide anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Best of luck and God Bless

First! Take a deep breath! This is sadly pretty normal issues when dealing with an affair.

The WS will almost always try to downplay the emotional attachment of the affair, the amount of contact, where, when, how, and why. They have a misguided sense of trying to "protect" us!

Questioning if our WS loves us, loved us, etc...is also normal. But know this...WS who don't love their spouse, don't cheat for long...they leave. They do NOT ONLY stay for their children in 99% of the cases.

However, they do stay for a combination of reasons, children being just one. They also stay because they really do love their spouse. They stay because of the histroy we share, both the good times and the bad. They stay because of fincially considerations, they stay because of life style. They stay for the exact same reasons that a BS stays. There isn't one overwhelming reason they stay or we stay, our lives are not that simple, we must take everything into consideration...but almost no one stays with a spouse they no longer love, regardless of all the other reasons to stay.

THEY CHOOSE TO STAY! WE CHOOSE TO STAY!

Your H lied so that he could do something he knew was wrong. He lied to you...he lied to her. The affair was all about his wants...it had nothing to do with anyone else. (Even tho, everyone is being forced to help "pay the costs".)

Getting counseling will be a plus in a court of law, not used against you. You'll be able to have your counselor witness that you are doing everything you can to not only save your marriage, but to improve yourself, and aid you in your desire to become healthier both physically and mentally, to be a better person, better parent, etc.

Depending on what state you happen to be in, his having an affair could greatly impact any attempts he might make to get custody, plus a lot more. Don't let his threats scare you.

Research on the web what your state laws are regarding infidelity. In mine, I would have been able to get a larger share of assets, more support, I could have even not allowed a divorce to be granted. So know your rights! If needed consult a lawyer, you don't have to file, but it's very comforting to know what your rights are before you need them.

Now for what this OW has told you he said...First...he lied to her about your marriage, he lied about your "divorce" and only God knows what else he lied to her about...so why would you believe that when he said he loved for her....he was being honest??? Why would you believe he actually had any plans to take your child??? He wasn't being honest with her. He was telling her whatever he felt he needed to say to get into her bed...THAT'S ALL!

And you also got some of this information third hand from a "friend of hers"...well guess what, the OW may have not been as truthful about what he said. She may have been hearing only what she wanted to hear to justify to herself her affair with your H. Do NOT believe everything you hear from others...they could be wrong, lying, or just passing on misinformation.

Why else would someone do this to you? BECAUSE he made a terrible choice which had nothing to do with the wonderful person you are, but only about his wants/fantasies/whatevers! He wasn't thinking about you, he wasn't doing what he should do...he screwed up his life and yours.

Hopefully, your H will be willing to do what is necessary to rebuild the marriage. It isn't easy and it sure isn't quick...but it can be worthwhile.

Good Luck!

trusting her, and Beemer,
Thank you for your point of view. It was nice to hear from the other side. What you both said made sense, I guess I just didn't see it.

litchfield,and nutcase3
Thank you for your perspective and adding your words of wisdom. YOu seem to understand what I am feeling, and it is comforting to know that there are others out there who share the same feelings.

just a wifey 2002,
What can I say for you...... You are so empowering and direct with everything you say. Everytime you answer a post of mine, or anyone elses for that matter, you have this way of putting everything into perspective. Thank you so much for taking the time to make me realize what I needed to hear.

All of you made me cry, par for the course I guess, but I called my H and talked to him too. I need to put this behind me, and the only way to do that is to forge ahead. My H is listening, I hope he understands too. Thanks for your help today, I really needed it.

Hi Samaice,

I'm sorry to here about this. From all the reading I've been doing and reading others posts, this seems par for the course. I know, sucks. Anyway, I'm glad to see so many have jumped in here for you.

I want to know how Nutcase3 found out so much about OW. What do you charge, or can you teach me. I found out some stuff, but not nearly enough.

Right now, I have not gone through this. I'm sure my turn will come. YUCK.

Keep this in mind, he as been abducted, the real H will be returned sometime. He has been abducted, he has been abducted. I think that all the time about my H.

"I called my H.....He is listening..."

You're on the right path!