Another day. Things still seem to be moving forward but this morning I found my H in our room in the dark, depressed and teary eyed. He had just spoken to his Life coach (part of a group he belongs to where you learn to live and honest and true life). He was told he had to get with it, committ 100%. I understand his coaches sentiments but there is so much on his plate right now that I want to tell the guy to shutup.

We are in the process of trying to put together our marriage and a new business at the same time. Plus the fact he is depressed from being let go from his job. And I know some of those tears were for OW.

I asked if I could help, he said he needed to work it out. I asked if he just needed a hug and he said hugs are always helpful. So I did and we spoke for awhile about the new life we are trying to have. I have to admit that deep down I felt like not only hugging him but smacking him upside his head. Ups and downs, my life seems so full of them.

It's Wed. again so laundry awaits. Would love to hear from some of you who are in the same place and also some who have passed this stage and could help me see my way thru. Here's to an up day.

Used <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Used I am new this this board but D-day for me was 6-27. At first I was the one doing all the work to save the marriage. He didn't beleive that the change in me- meeting his EN and SF was real or would last. He even told her that. She also told him we were still the same people we were one year ago (trying to get him to leave) She was recently divorced because her husband cheated on her and she ends up in this situation (ironic HUH) To tell you the truth I wasn't too sure myself. He said he had NC but I know he e-mailed and phoned her up until 9-10 when I found out about other affairs from years ago. Ever since then he has been working very hard at this marriage and tells me he loves me every day and we are planning a future together. It was so hard for me not to tell him I knew he still had contact when he denied it. I am new to MB so I didn't know what a fog meant but he sure was in it. You seem to be right where I was a few months ago. Hang in there.

Startingover,

Thanks for the encouragment(sp?). I haven't posted here for awhile as I was reading a lot of the other spots here. Things have been going pretty well. We seem to be getting along much better and talking about things. Something we haven't done in a long time. Until now I didn't relize we had be talking at each other not to each other.

Today was a little hard. H had to go out of town for a class and to say I was a little nervous is putting it mildly. I had all kind of crazy thoughts, that he would just keep going, right to her. That he wasn't coming back ever. All in all a day of severe stomach upset. And all unfounded since he called me 3 times to let me know what he was doing. He really is trying to build up my confidence and I don't want to LB so I try not to be to clingy. Hard to do when you feel like the minute their out of sight, your out of mind.

I need you guys to keep telling me this is do-able. That it, at sometime get easier to trust. Because I really do want to trust him even though I know way down deep that I probably wont ever completly again. Everyone have a great weekend.

Used <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Used --

OK, you'll hear it from me: This is doable! No certainties or guarantees, but very possible.

Want some recent positives? 1) You two are talking, "something we haven't done in a long time." 2) You're talking to and with each other, not at each other--means you're listening and absorbing. 3) "Things have been going pretty well."--nice to read this! 4) H goes out of town, but manages to care enough and make the time to phone you three times to reassure you. 5) "He really is trying to build up my confidence." --You're aware that he's trying to help you regain your trust = very good things, both his trying and your awareness of it. 6) "I really do want to trust him"--you're willing to do your part here; H now needs to keep on the straight and narrow to help you to heal.

As you are able to work through all of this, in time as you are able slowly to build your trust back up again, it does get easier. The Circle of Trust widens and becomes more solid.

Want to hear it again: This is doable! We're with you, Used, stay focused on the goal and let us ride along beside you. Have a great weekend yourself!

Ammon

Used --

Just checking in with you. We haven't heard from you for a few days and we want to let you know we're thinking about you.

We could use an update when you've got some time.

Hoping you're coping, Used,

Ammon

Ammon,

Thanks for thinking about me. Things have been pretty good for the most part. We do seem to be getting closer everyday and are excited by our new business.

We have our moments, but I'm still surprised by how smoothly things have gone. I know there are more bumps in the road ahead so I'm going to enjoy this time while I can. I can only hope this isn't a false start to our recovery. I had forgotten how much I do love to be with my H. I forgot, over the last 2 years, what good friends we used to be. And I can't even begin to tell you how happy the kids are to have their dad here full time instead of just the weekend.

I know OW is out there somewhere and I admit that kills me. I also know no matter what a certain part of him will always wonder "what if"? She is not a bad person. She walked away when H decided to stay here. I know she was wrong to do what she did but at least she is trying to rectify it. I still have plenty of times when I think, how could this have happened to me?

I have been posting a bit in recovery, since I hope that is what we are starting. This MB is such a life line for me. It always helps me make sense of the craziness that has become my life. It is hard to explain how I can love so many people I've never even met, but I do. I'll keep you up to date.

Used <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Used --

How're you doing? How are things on the homefront? Always glad to read a "Things have been pretty good" post but especially one from you!

The new business is going along well, I hope. Often working together goes a long way to helping a troubled relationship, so it's great that you two have that focus.

"I had forgotten how much I do love to be with my H. I forgot, over the last 2 years, what good friends we used to be." -- Yes! Heartwarming to read.

"And I can't even begin to tell you how happy the kids are to have their dad here full time instead of just the weekend." -- Reconciliation and working through the problems helps everyone in the family.

Was fascinated by your perspective of the OW: "She is not a bad person." Not many of us have that precious ability to be benevolent and forgiving of the OP. You have an incredibly rare and comprehensively humanistic outlook; my hat's off to you!

Keep us in the loop; we do care...

Ammon

Ammon,

So happy to tell you that things are still looking up. This is not to say that I haven't done some LBing when all of a sudden the whole thing seems to overwhelm me, but we are learning to talk thru these (with a bit of yelling too). It means so much to me when my H tells me he understands that I don't trust him but that he hopes one day I will. And to be honest I think I trust him more than he thinks I do.

The new business is great. We've gotten all our licenses together and having cards and stationery printed. We are both really excited to begin in earnest. Plus money on a more regular basis would be nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I truly do mean what I said about the OW. If she had chosen to pursue my H and to push for their relationship, I'm not sure where we would be today. But she was a big enough person to care about our children and our family to step away and I think that says alot about her character. I don't want to go thru life hating and fearing someone I don't even know.

I'll keep reading and posting because I think it's important to tell the good stuff too. I like to read when someone feels good about where their relationship is going, it gives me hope. Even all the ups and downs let me know what I'm in for. Ammon you have been a life saver for me and your words have really kept me on an even keel. Without being able to talk to my family you have filled a huge gap for me. Thank you.

I smile more now.

Used

Used --

"I smile more now" -- So do I when I read posts like this one!

Great to hear that things are still on the upswing. Don't be upset or discouraged by the occasional pot-hole in your road to recovery. They're normal and to be expected. So good that you are "learning to talk thru these." Also nice to hear you say, "I think I trust him more than he thinks I do."

Glad that you're pleased with your new business. When will things be fully operative for you two?

Re the OW: "I don't want to go thru life hating and fearing someone I don't even know." -- An immensely healthy and holistic approach, grounded and so wise. You're a very good person, Used.

It is so important to "tell the good stuff too." -- there's so much pain on this board that I sometimes forget...

After winter comes the summer,
After night comes the dawn, and
After every storm, there comes clear, open skies.
~Samuel Rutherford~

We need maintain perspective and keep in mind that these things can and do get turned around, that we can benefit from what we're going through, that we can grow and learn and prosper.

Thank you for your very kind words. The gifts are in the giving. Glad that I could be a surrogate family member, if only on this board.

Updates are welcomed. Keep us informed. We're still here for you...

Ammon

Ammon,

I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know things are still going well. We've had a few bad moments but have gotten thru them. I think I am really heartened by the fact that he has been looking into books like the 5 languages of love and passionate marriage. At least I know He's trying.

I have to say is the only thing that gives me pause is me. I'm frightened that it won't last. That he'll go back to how he was before. I have nothing to base this on, just my own stupid fears.

I always seem to be my own worst enemy. So I'm writing to you and anyone here to say these things so I won't LB him for nothing. What I'm really scared of is that I am happy. Dumb huh? Anyway, this too shall pass. I am riding on this train till the last stop. H traveling this weekend for business so I'm sure I'll have some stress. I'll keep you posted.

Used <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Used
It is not dumb- I feel the same way and it will be 8 months soon ice D-day. I also keep wondering if this is real. My marriage is better now than it has ever been. H has bcome my best friend. Only problem I have is when I try to ask questions about it he answers briefly and is very uncomfortable and wants to end conversation. He never wanted to go to MC but now does finally since I found out. WE have an appointment in 2 weeks. I feel so lucky to have found this site I don't post much but your situation is so similar to mine and I read all your replies(from all these wonderful wise people) and it helps me tremendously.

StartingOver,

Hey there. Boy do I know what you mean about acting uncomfortable when certain questions are asked, I get the squirm. I do understand it but I still hate it. I went back and read some of your old posts and our situations are very similar. I was also shocked how little I really knew my H.

But you guys are so far into your recovery, much further along than we are and you sound so happy. Isn't it great to be able to say WE again? We aren't yet able to go into MC because of money constraints right now but as soon as business is up and really running we'll be going.

Reading your other posts I read your daughter was having a hard time. I hope everything is getting better in that department. Teens can be a real pain in the butt, I have 3. I was lucky that mine really have no idea the storm we are going thru. We were always good at keeping up apperances. It's nice to really mean it.

Any ideas or wisdom you might have for me from your own experience I would love to have. Have a great day.

Used <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Used,

I try to think of my marriage starting on 6/27/02 because we are both toally different people now or should I say have totally different attitudes towards our marriage.

I still find it hard to get those e-mails out of my mind. The last 5 years of my marriage were terrible actually no marriage at all. So I almost understood the A although he should have moved out first. But after 2 months I found out about an affair he had 23 years ago I was crushed I was 25 yrs old he was 26 and I was trying to get pregnant.

Then he told me 18 years ago with someone a couple of times. I told him I feel so stupid I should have seen signs. Both happened during work hours (daytime) He says I shouldn't feel stupid that the OW don't think I was stupid that he thinks they envied me. ENVIED ME FOR WHAT????

I also have problems with thinking about OW's. The one from 23 years ago-What woman would have a 3 yr long affair with a man for just sex. The recent one only knew him for 2 months meet online They went away for 4 days she lives over an hour away from us and she sat in his car across the street from my house in the shopping center where my son works. I asked him what was he thinking-he said he wasn't thinking straight he was thinking of leaving --WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?
She got divorced less than a year ago because her EX had OW and she was upset he didn't try to work on M(per her e-mail) Why would she date a married man living at home with his kids no matter what the circumstances.

I think he cared for her becaused I saw e-mail 2 weeks after D-Day that he loved her I asked him and he said that at time he thought he did but now knows it was only because she was nice to him.

I hope MC can help me deal with these issues.
My daughter is better, thanks for asking.

By the way Me 49 H50 S20 D17 Married 27 years dated 6 years

Hi Used and 53 and everyone else whose ''story'' ((man I wish it was just a story)) seems so similar......its been 4 and 1/2 months for us since dday- a few glitches in the NC dept in November/December-OW still lives up the street. We have days and nights that are very memorable....then the next day it all goes to H***. I HATE that. Yesterday I accidentally hurt my H physically and despite my apologIES he will not apologize or even talk to me (( he called me an A** in a REALLY nasty way for hurting him)) so I am here whining but I am REALLY angry which is a feeling I haven't had thru all of this! H is nice as pie to EVERYONE but me- sniff sniff. "can't be nasty to his boss, his mother, his bad brother,";the list goes on.....because of job security- etc.....you all know the list of excuses a WS can SPOUT... but to me?? no problem being unkind....- well I have really had it- do the WS's EVER EVER consider what it would be like to have the tables turned? Does H ever wonder or consider that he may find US gone someday? I have a new boundary today- H is coming to me or he will receive what he gives ((nothing)) in abundance. Silence is key today and that disappoints me sorely- everyone is off work/school and snowed in and snow is on my top 10 list of things I love- and it seems if I am going to enjoy it I will have to take myself out into it solo........ok- end of pity party- rewinding the clock I can't turn back seems more difficult today......hope you all have better luck!

Startingover & Ruth,

I also had a rough day yesterday. I either said or asked the wrong thing and got a lot of cr@p about his space. Well I let it go until after dinner and then I had to get it off my chest. Bang, instant LB. He then proceeded to tell me that even though he is happy sometimes, sometimes he still feels trapped and not committed the way he should. My first thought was to say don't let the door hit you in the @$$ but I thought better of it. We are only 6 weeks from Dday so I figure that things like this are to be expected but it still hurts. I just let it go, told him how he treated me earlier was rude and I went to bed.

First thing this morning he did apologize and seemed to be over his funk but it really sets me back and that's what he doesn't understand. I am dealing with the fact that his A lasted 2 years. I know he has feelings for ow and always will but I sure as h*ll don't have to condone it.

What's really weird is we are having great SF. Like rabbits. Very much how we were when first married. What is that about? And in some ways it's even better. Go figure.

I know that if we stay with this we are going to have a great life. Now I have to figure out to to stick with it. My mouth does get me in trouble.

H going away for weekend business. Do I bite my nails much? I'll probably hang out here alot to stay sane. Everyone have a great weekend.

Used

some wise advisor here asked one day...."are there bars on the windows?" so I don't fall into that TRAPPED idea- there is the one point where it is as my WH thinks it is---ALL ABOUT HIM--- I don't ask him to stay- I don't tell him to leave- its all HIM. He made this mess- there were other ways to address what he thought was lacking in his marriage-I didn't MAKE him have an A. He KNOWS how he hurt my feelings by calling me an A** yesterday- we just don't call each other names......and my response was if you want to call names then look in the mirror and start right there. HUGE LB I am sure but whats a girl to do?? some abuse I just will not tolerate- I haven't once screamed or had a fit or called him a name.......gold star for me. dang it all whatta day......oldest son says roads are good out of the neighborhood so I guess I'll get myself out to the woods for a meditative deep snow walk......wonder what the forest critters think of my venting in their hushed peace??

Ruth
Please don't go too long with the silent treatment. That was alot of our problem in the 1st place. That is how my husband dealt with me at 1st and I in return with him really bad the last year no talking at all only if necessary.

Used
It took my husband 3 months until he was sure this is what he wanted. He didn't tell me that but that is when I noticed the big change in him.

Sometimes I wonder how can you go from having such a terrible marriage to one that becomes better than ever(SF included) Maybe Mc can help me with that question also.

Girls any ideas on the questions I asked in previous post of how to block out thoughts and resentment of OW's

Ruth,
sometimes my H says stupid things that really tick me off and he doesn't even relize how they sound to me. He just doesn't get how insulted I am. Did you tell your H how much your feelings were hurt? If not tell him. I agree with Startingover, silence left to long can fester. And if you did tell him, tell him again for good measure. Maybe it will get thru the second time.

StartingOver,
As much as I hate what the other woman did, and resent her for sleeping with a married man, MY married man, I am everyday thankful that she didn't pursue the relationship when my H decided to come back. My kids need their father and she knew it in her heart. So everyday I just decide she could have really done much worse and anyway resentment eats me up so I just don't think about her. I don't always succeed but I am getting better at it. It takes way to much of my energy and happiness to hate her. Not for everyone, I know but it works for me. To make a long story short, mind over matter.

Used