Found evidence of affair early Nov 02, suspected for months, but received denials. We've been married 14 years and have an 8 year old son. She has been having an affair with my neighbor and best friend. He just go married to his live-in in September. Evidence confrontation resulted in more denials and further denials. Up until two weeks ago, it had evolved to "yes, we did meet and we did talk on the telephone,but it was just to talk about general stuff like work and kids." Then I found out there were motels, hotels, special meeting places, roads, etc.

Now, she wants be to believe that they would meet at a motel, have a quick act of sex and then spend the remaining two to three hours just talking about general things like work. She admits to meeting him at our old "lover's land" but just to talk, no sex except maybe a little kiss or two.

She tells me I am obsessed with finding out what went on. Yes, I have compared cell phone bills to calendar dates she was suppose to be somewhere else. I have asked her for details of what happened in the motel rooms for hours at a time. She tells me that it happened and that I should just forget it and move on. She says she can't tell me anything that went on because she "forgets" or that it just brings up old memories. Affair has been going on for two years.
She has met him several times after his marriage in September 02 for sex in motels.

Questions:

Am I crazy for wanting to know what went on in the motels?

Should I believe her that she has sex with this guy in motels, but everywhere else it is just to talk?

She says I sick and that I am to total blame for the affair happening. ( Yes, I admit I was leader of a major project at work that did require extra time and was very stressful, but is this justificaiton to sleep with someone else?)

He has apologized. She has apologized. But, I still feel that if I had not found out, it would still be going on. Both have said they were ready to end it, but the records show that the motel visits became more and more frequent in the period June 02 to time of accusation in Nov 02.

Any insight into this???

Thanks

Talk to his wife. Tell her everything you know. It will stop everything.

Answers to questions:

No, you are NOT crazy. While details may or may not be what you need. You do need to feel as if she is being honest with you...therefore you are asking for details. They are not making much sense, so you feel she is not being honest...and so the need for details grow.

I wouldn't! Sorry, but the WS will almost always downplay the extent of the affair, the when, where, hows, why. Partly in an attempt to protect you from further hurt, but a large part is covering their own @$$.

NO! NO! NO! You are NOT at fault for her choices! Do NOT allow her to even attempt this BS (not betrayed spouse..the other BS)!!!!! There is NO justifaction for screwing around with someone! This was HER choice, made without your knowledge, your imput! No thought of your wants/needs/desires were considered...this was ALL HER!

This statement by her of you needing to move on: Yes, you do need to move on BUT!!!! you will move on ONLY when she decides to be honest with you. You will NOT make one step on your healing path till you feel that you're getting the truth! That is how it works!

SO...if she wants you to move on...then she better come clean and start doing what she needs to do. She should end all contact of any kind with this man. She should answer your questions honestly and as kindly as possible. She should understand that you are NOT going to forget this...EVER! You may well find forgiveness for her the person...but you will never forgive the act of betrayal.

Either the WS is helping us find our healing or else they are standing in the way blocking our path. At the moment...she is definitely blocking you! jmho

Dear Fraz,

So sorry you are in such pain, but know this: it is NOT your fault. Denial and blame are the primary tactics of a WS. While you may have been remiss in meeting some of your W's EN/SN, it was her CHOICE to have the A. The fact that you are here says you are willing to work things out. Don't fall for W's wanting to gloss over the details and 'move on'. Nothing will be accomplished, and another A will be waiting in the wings. To paraphrase Frederick Douglas, There are those who wish to plant without plowing, they are the same as those who want change without conflict. You will have to work this out one way or another, with or without your W.

Being a BW myself, I found that the more details I discovered, the more areas I found where I had failed in meeting my WH EN/SF's. I was not a conscious of it, it was just something that happened over time. You aren't wrong in wanting to know the details. It's a natural response. You want to know the purpose, extent, and depth of the relationship with the OM: what he's got that you don't (in your W's opinion). You will find many of the reasons to be selfish; let's face it, having an A is a selfish act. But try to see behind all that, too. Are there some valid points in there somewhere?

I would suggest reading through Plan A/Plan B, if you haven't already. It may be difficult if you're neighbors, but you must give it all you've got for Plan A. If your W is still not willing to give in, Plan B will be your only option. I agree with the previous post about telling OM's wife, but you will still have plenty to work on. Plan A was relatively simple for me as OW lives about 500 miles away, and WH met her online while gaming. He changed his email, cell #, put blocks on all his accounts and has quit gaming altogether. His was also an EA, but he was planning to meet her when we had our d-day in Nov '02.

I just want to encourage you to keep reading on this site. You are not alone in your struggle, and there is hope and help for you, WW, and your M. Please don't give up and know that we are all pulling for you.

God's Blessings!