Hi I am new here, I really need some advice and more important people to talk to, since no one knows of my husbands infidelity. We have been married for 27 years. the last 5 years were terrible. We rarely communicated (only out of neccesity) During that time I told him more than once I didn't want to be married, He clung to these words and when he would ask me to verify I didn't want to be married I would reply I didn't want to be married like this.(not talking to each other-this he initated).
My teenage daughter was and still is having some problems 9/01 she was in crisis and said she couldn't live here where we didn't talk. She and I moved to my sisters for 3 months. I tried to get him to go to mc but he only went once.
Meanwhile when I came back 1/02 I asked him to move to basement if we werent communicating why should we share same bed. In 6/02 he went away for 3 days (left note ) At this time I started to snoop. I found a picture e-mailed from some woman. He said he was moving out (which I thought I wanted) I told him I loved him and he contacted other woman and hasn't seen since. He knew her for about 2 months. She just went thru divorce (because of infidelity) He was very cautious at first. I had to do all the work. We were having sex but he wasn't too affection otherwise. I asked him to have NC phone calls e-mail he said he wasn't> I knew he was.He started a new position and had to clean out desk. On 9/10/02 I found recent e-mails 4/02 in his car from woman and it said they had had an affair 23 years ago that lasted for 3 years they were now in contact but that ended in 4/02 per e-mail. I was totally in shock I thought I knew this man. I conforted him and he is a changed man since 9/10/02 He can't do enough for me.I do feel loved,appreciated and wanted. This last 6 months has been the 6 months of our marriage. My problem is I know there have been others(maybe 1 or 2 more) I need to know everything I am dealing with what I know but I don't want anymore surprises.
Sometimes I just can't stop thinking of him with OW. Will that ever go away. Do you think I should know all the details. I also have e-mail address of 2 women and I am sometimes so tempted to contact them.

StartingOver --

You are welcome here with us at MB. It sounds as if you two finally are on the road to recovery after a tempetuous history for a couple of years. I'm sorry for the pain that has brought you here, but I'm encouraged by your report of your last few months. Sometimes relationships emerge on the other side of these darknesses better and stronger and healthier than ever. Let's hope that's your case! My thoughts on your questions:

"Sometimes I just can't stop thinking of him with OW. Will that ever go away." -- The pain and the immediacy of the images and thoughts will lessen with time and with the restoration of dependability and trust in your relationship. This will take time, much time, and patience along with love and respect from your H.

"Do you think I should know all the details." -- I wouldn't but people are different and need different things to help their healing. It would be much worse for me if I know the wheres and whens and hows. I'm much more interested in the hows and whys--but I don't get them from W either. Do you really want to know "all the details?" Would they make a difference to you? Only as an element of trust and openness between you and H.

"I also have e-mail address of 2 women and I am sometimes so tempted to contact them." -- Why? Would you trust their answers or their details? I wouldn't believe the words of liars and cheaters myself. Sometimes the learning of "details" intensifies the pain since now there are more elements to trigger your anguish.

I'd say, if you can, let it go, especially since you are feeling better about your prospects and H seems to be recommitted to you and your marriage.
Hang in and post again to let us know how you're doing. We're here to listen anytime...

Ammon

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

Ammon
Thank-you for your reply. I did speak to my husband and told him I needed to know more-- if there were any other women. Turns out there were 5 in total 2 ONS -2 from years ago which renewed during the last year and 1 he knew only 2 months that he met online. I asked to know names-- at first he was apprehensive but when I said they know about me and I wanted to him to show me that I come before them he did tell me. He said he was very uncomfortable talking to me about this. That he just wanted to forget it and would it ever go away. I asked him why this happened all he could say is it was just physical and in the early years he was immature. He did say he would like to go to a mc.
I can't stop thinking about this. It does get less and less each day though. I have read some of your posts and yo are a wonderful person to all here. Thank you again

You and he both need to know why, so you can be sure it won't happen again. Some steps to get you there:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

John
Thank you for your advice. We do have an appointment to see a mc in feb. My husband is really trying very hard its just that I can't stop thinking about it. I intend to check out the books you suggested this weekend. The only one I have read so far is After the Affair.
I know I had alot to do with this happening not meeting his EN Or SF but now they seem to be going in the right direction. It has been 7 months now can this last?

Yes...your marriage can last. Keep the communication lines open. Sounds as if you've gotten honesty from him...finally...which is pretty normal in that it takes sometime for WS to understand that honesty has to return to the marriage before any true healing begans.

You're on the right path...keep up the counseling and keep talking.

Good Luck!

SO,
I have had personal experience with contacting the OW. As much as it seemed like the right thing to do at the time because I wanted them to kmow about me and wanted them to stay away from my FWH, it was before MBers and it just prolonged the process and ended up with more betrayal for me.

It sounds like your FWH is doing a GREAT job of repairing your M. Focus on that and just ask him the questions that you need to know. Especially if he is willing to answer. Eventually, the questions will fade.

Focus your energy on meeting each other's needs.

God Bless!

He needs to know the pain that he caused, otherwise I doubt that he will be able to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

My heart feels your pain, hang in there...

Thank-you all so much for your replies.
Wifey 2002 yes I think he is finally beginning to be honest. This I have stressed is what I need. You are in recovery 3 years and you give me alot of hope.
OnlyUcan- I think you are right it is not a good idea to contact OW.
life's good I think he is realizing the pain he has caused me.
I am just so grateful I have found this sight and all you wonderful people
God Bless you