The way I see it there are two general paths you can choose. Making this experience the most painful and damaging of your life. Where you, your family and no one involved wins. Or no matter what, becoming the best person you can be and getting through it with integrity. Learning your strengths and weaknesses and being able to improve yourself overall. Kind of ra ra but that is what it comes down to.
At this time do not try and make any life defining decisions. Just sit down take a few deep breaths and realize that you are running on emotion not logic and this is not the time to make any decisions that require any higher thinking skills. I saw a counselor that gave me one of the best pieces of insight at that time. She told me “You have your whole life to make up your mind if you want to divorce, don’t rush into it”. That statement really woke me up. I looked at the situation as though I had no other choice, as if my spouse had forced me into this decision. Then I heard that comment and it gave me my power back. She was right, I would make up my mind about deciding what to do when I was good and ready. Always try and look at situations from different perspectives, many times an insight or solution will come to you when you least expect it.
The next thing you have to realize is that your spouse is mentally ill. No I mean it, really.
Think about it, your emotions are not letting you see it. Mental illness is characterized by behavior that is not rational under normal conditions. If you understand this you should be able to understand that you cannot expect your spouse to interact with the world or you, in a rational, normal manner. Let your desire to explain and understand where the person you were married to went, go. They are still in there but they are being hidden by living in a fantacy. Doesn’t sound sane does it? With humans at their best, the most you should expect of another person is to “agree to disagree”. Do not try or hope to have your spouse “see the light” or understand your feelings at this time. They are insane, remember! See, look at the situation in a different light and you can understand this bizarre behavior.
I eventually had to have my wife committed to a mental hospital because her guilt caused her so much hurt she became a threat to herself. After she spent 14 days in the hospital during which she admitted the affair to me, apologized for her actions and decided that we should try and recover, her situation improved very quickly. Funny thing, at just about the same time as she entered the hospital I realized that I was strong enough to move on with my life and that insight just came to me one day. Be patient this stuff does not happen quickly.
Take care of yourself and your children. You should use this time to understand as much as possible about your strengths and weaknesses. Getting an understanding of your true feelings is something you should do. I read a book “Emotional Intelligence” which really opened my eyes about my inability to identify or really describe my emotions. I never realized how much having an understanding of your emotions can change the higher mental levels that you can operate at when faced with emotionally charged issues. This exercise will help you immensely when the time to start making decisions comes. The whole purpose of working on yourself is to prepare youself for the extremely difficult path you will choose. Remember, all possible paths are equally difficult including no decision so you really need to learn these skills.
Love is work. I never thought about Love in this way but it is real hard work at first but as you learn how to do it the rewards start to make it easy. Ask your self the question “how do I treat my spouse differently now than when we were falling in love”. I asked myself this question and the answer came back that “generally we(me and my spouse) do not invest heavily enough in protecting/nourishing our feelings of Love for each other”. We are not working to increase our bank account balance. The love bank is a powerful concept if applied and used regularly. It is this simple, start spending more time making deposits to the bank and less time making withdrawal’s. Learn what activities make deposits and withdrawal’s and use this knowledge to improve yours and your spouses feelings of love. Remember, what ever you project out will be reflected back by others. You set the stage.
Do not, I repeat, do not make any decisions based on that little voice of ego. I do not mean pride. Pride is normally obtained by doing something that you can feel accomplishment in. I anm definitely talking ego. This little voice has caused me more trouble through out my life than I care to admit. I cannot remember one good decision made based on Ego. I became aware of this while I was learning about my emotions and started becoming aware of my feelings. Many of these Ego feelings will hijack your logical thought patterns and run you through a series of behaviors that will happen automatically and put the communication/interaction into defensive posturing. Once this happens there is no communication. Learn to identify what you are feeling, become aware of your feelings and apply what you learn to everything you do in life. You will be amazed at how efficient you will become at resolving your emotional issues by just being aware when they are happening and being able to identify them as they are happening.
Your emotions are yours, no one makes you have emotions. They only occur due to what is going on in your head at the time. What goes on in your head is under your full control so you cannot blame someone else for your feelings. Think outside the box. Use this technique in your personal life. One thing my experience taught me was that everything can be looked at in more than one way. If you can find another acceptable view of an issue, many times it will entirely change the way it makes you feel.
Keep in mind that you are in control of your life, even at this time you just do not know it. Every time I have had some sort of breakthrough or insight in life it has come during a period of emotional calm. Your subconscious has a way of providing solutions to problems when your mind is at ease. Stress has a negative impact on your ability to make decisions. Have you ever been working on a problem at work and not making much headway, leave for the day and as the pressures roll away the answer just pops into your head. Has worry and fear ever really impacted the outcome of any situation in your life. It was your intelligence that determined the outcome. For me, intelligent thought is extremely difficult due to the wasted brainpower used during times of stress. The only place the emotional stress occurs is in your head and you have control of what goes on inside you head. Be calm and logical, and eliminate some of the negative emotions that are only hurting your ability to use your intelligence.
