Previous post (see "in between") and the responses indicate that I am not crazy nor am I wrong in wanting to know more. Suggestion of Plan A, but I don't really understand this plan at this time. I just keep reading it and trying to comprehend.

However, here I am again kicking myself and filled with a bunch of crazy thoughts. Night before last, we had light discussion of visits to motels. She said she remembers the job interview she went on, the people she talked to , the dress she wore and sitting in her car working on her needle point waiting to get into the interview. She remembers meeting OM at upscale hotel, but says she does not remember what happened after that or how long she was with him. Best indication I have from cell phone calls is about four hours. Each room (verifying with hotel) has jacuzzi and wet-bar. She tells me that without a question, she did not have a jacuzzi in the room.

Last night, she got real friendly and willing did something sexually that she does not normally do. It was great, BUT, during the whole time, I felt that she was remembering him. Just the way she handled me and her reaching out to stroke my chest. (He has plenty of chest hair, I am bare in that area).

Tonight, she tells me that she has to attend a funeral home viewing for an old neighbor from her childhood. It is about 4 degrees with blowing snow. The funeral home is about 20 miles away. She thought it was best if my 7 yr old son and I stayed home so we were not at risk. She kept asking me if it was ok with me if she went.

What was I suppose to say? No, then I would have received the old "you don't let me do anything, you think of me as your possession." If I said yes (which I did) it sort of gives her an excuse "well you told me I could go."

So here I am writing on the computer, wondering what she is really doing and is she right now giving him what I thought she was giving to me exclusively last night.

Should I confront her with my fears? Or, do I just keep quiet and avoid the anger? How does one handle the suspicion??? I don't want to seem like I am boxing her in. I am so afraid she will bolt or tell me to get out.

I still believe that she is covering up a lot of things. I am one that wants to know everything, she is one that does not want to remember anything. Any suggestions?

Thanks

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: Fraz ]</small>

Clearly she is not telling you the truth. She met the OM for at least 4 hours at an upscale hotel but she does not remember it? Oh Please...
Look you are not in denial and it seems pretty clear that she is still in her sexual affair. The problem of course is that she is still putting your health at risk. I suppose you could hire a private investigator but it seems pretty obvious what is going on. Only through honesty, remorse and a committment to marriage can you succeed. It sounds like she has turned into a cakewoman who enjoys being married and having an affair on the side. I strongly suggest counseling for the both of you but what kind of a marriage do you have if this is allowed to continue?

Can you not snoop her cell phone, her purse for bills? Get a PI, it will help you get an answer quickly? Brutal yes but sometimes required. Or you confront her. Anger normally covers other emotions - guilt perhaps?

BryanP is right, there is NO WAY she would not remember what she did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks for the advice. I checked with funeral home director, who looked in book for deceased. Her name was there as a visitor. OK so I am just untrusting. I again attempted to engage in a discussion of affair.

She always gives me the same thing when the discussion comes up : (BIG SIGH) "Here we go again with your &^*%" "I've told you all I can remember, it happened, - - - you don't need to know where and what happened." "I can't catch my breath - - - (panic, short breathing like hyper-ventilating, goes for a drink, i.e. beer or wine).

Go through the gaunlet of emotions such as anger towards me ("I already told you the answer, so stop asking any more questions.") Fear, she swears she is afraid of me because I am going to become physically abusive to her. (I never have, never had the thought to and will not, in fact I try to keep tone, loudness of voice and words peaceful and without hostility) The only emotion I do not see is remorse and/or crying.

Friday, finally broke down in tears. Not a crying like someone sorry, but a balling like a child that was just told he could not have a cookie. She even used the word "affair", something that she never used and told me not to use. "It was not an affair, just friends." (Talk about denial).

She told me that she would not answer anymore questions about the "thing". (back to old language, she hasn't called it what it is, an affair, since that one time on Friday.) I tried to explain to her that my imagination was filling in the holes with unthinkable things. She looked at me and said "Ok, whatever you think happened, probably did happen and I don't want to have to re-live it."

By then, she had consumed 7 cans of beer, while I had two cups of green tea. She became very angry at me when I asked her to write a letter to him telling it was over and how she loved her family and was sorry for the pain they caused to her family and his wife. (I have asked her to not speak to him.) She said I was punishing her and that she would not write a letter like a child being punished for breaking a window or misspelling a word.

Then she began to get into this "I've told you my solution to end this all." "Those trucks on the interstate everyday, - - - no one would know it wasn't just an accident - - - 75 mph, who could survive?" I talked to her about how I felt, that I have heard some really bad things and imagined a whole lot more, and I love her more each day we are together. Our 7yr son and I could not stand that kind of punishment. She continued to try to rationalize that this was only way out. Then, I find out that OM wife (physically and mentally able to) has threatened her. The OM and wife are next door neighbors. She told me she bought a gun and has a carry permit.

OK Fraz, this is getting really scary. So I just try to comfort, support, and love. Next day when she was sober, I told her that her plan was not an option for me or our son. As for the gun, I asked for it and she gave it to me. (It is locked away.) Things seem better last couple of days. We played in the snow yesterday with a lot of laughing and fun. Our church time was spent on prayer for us, for the neighbors and for healing/forgiveness. Last night we made love like we haven't in years.

Have we hit a highpoint in recovery?

Any suggestions on OM/his wife situation? Option to move is not viable at this time as there is mining going to happen under our house in next 18 months so we would lose our *&* if we tried to sell. Can't really afford two houses. I talked to my lawyer this morning ( he is a close friend of mine and knows of affair). He said that unless we had witnesses to threats there is not much protection under the law. We just have to wait until something more concrete happens. He told me that we carry "mace/pepper spray" for self defense, not guns.

She tells me that they often exchanged words of love and loving each other. She says this was just a way of rationalizing what they were doing. Is this right?

I feel like I am being "used" in a negative manner. Gut feeling of things are a long way from being "right" and that she is still covering up a lot of things. Affair she told me lasted just a few months. Hotel bill showed it to be about a year. Cell phone checks on Friday night puts it more at two years. Do I need to know more? I feel like I want to, but maybe that is something I will have to live with, not knowing. But, I love her and I want to be beside her through this crisis. I don't want to "push her" anymore. I feel like she is giving me an ultimatum to back down and accept what she choses to tell me or she will institute her "final solution." Is suicide thoughts normal when the BS is forgiving and loving?

I just hang in there. Sorry this is so long, but I don't have anyone that I really feel comfortable talking with. I am afraid suicide would get out to others.

Thanks for listening.

Fraz

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: Fraz ]</small>