Ok, In Nov. Discovered several hundred $ of sexy clothing purchases on business card. Purchases over at least a 6 month period. H traveling more and more frequently to another country for "humanitarian" purposes. I have packed everything... medicines, clothing,etc... but never packed any of these....Confronted H and life has been spirialing down since. H denies any A. Says purchaces for cousins that are there. Has hidden e mails. Has a foreign bank account to w/draw $ down there. Anyway we have been going to counselor, very heated at this point. He has no intention of slowing down his trips there and won't commit on when he will take me w/ him. Honestly at this point I am losing any feeling I may have had in resolving this. H is scared that I will investigate myself in that country and scared that I will place people at risk there by me asking questions since it is a communist country. But truly at this point he can have at it. I told him that if he is more concerned w/ protecting the people there and not our marriage and family just let me go in peace!!!! I am very tired. I tried plan A although not 6 months. Everytime I feel comfortable trying to meet his needs something else surfaces... The latest is that my H was bragging to other colleagues that when they travel down there they rent houses and fill it w/ local whores!!!! This came to me from someone completely removed from this situation. I am having a hard time letting this go simply based upon this info because I am afraid my health is at risk now. H is in the home w/ us and I told him I feel he is only here to rest his head and have me service him until he goes back there(which is in Feb.) Idon't have the strength either way. Honestly I don't even want to talk to him.. I told him in counseling that he is not meeting ANY OF MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS he barely even talks to me in our home. I hate this silence. I want to do what is right but I am losing steam...

Sorry, but I agree with you...it sounds as if he's got another life over there. What do you want now? Personally, he'd either stop going, or I'd be seeing someone to get my legal ducks in a row. He is putting your health at risk and that is NOT acceptable in any way.

Please see your family doctor as soon as possible and make sure that he hasn't picked up any STD's. I know this is not pleasant, but a necessary fact of life in this day.

What do you want?

Thanks, well I have seen a doctor and have been tested. So far so good there. The thing is I don't see him stopping his trips. He has gotten way over his head... Listen to this, 1st.. he has relatives there that he has bonded w/ over the past 2 years and feels now responsible to help them out financially. 2nd.. he has made great strides on the humanitarian level and has made many contacts including powerful people in that gov. and ours as well. 3rd.. he is lining up potential business contacts there and wishes to open an office of his own there someday. The deal w/ that is it might not happen for several years. So when you add all of these enticing ventures I don't think he would be willing to give it up. He can't even offer a compromise w/ me. I know that I don't want to throw my marriage away but I just don't see how I fit into all of this. He tells me that he is doing this for the financial benefit of us. I personally don't care. We are comfortable and don't need this complication. I really am only praying that God will block these attempts since they aren't pleasing to Him (at least not most of if). But God gives us a free will and my H can chose to continue this for a long time. We have 3 kids. I have seen an attorney and the only way I can fully protect myself and the kids is to file for a divorce. I hate that option. And I don't think plan A would help me in this particular situation no matter how long I stay in it. What's your opinion on this?

Sorry,

He might have a concubine over there, very common. Best bet give him the choice, his family with you or the life over there. You should not put up with that. He is living a fantasy over there. Good luck

Well...the other option then is to become an active member of his operation. Don't know if that would work or not considering the children...but I'd be going with him rather he wanted me to or not. jmho

I'm pretty hard nosed about an on-going crisis. As my H has informed me...I don't share or play well with others if he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How old are your children? Their security and well being must be considered...I must assume that his activities are effecting them. As tension in the home always does.

I find it interesting that he is putting the burden of someone else becoming hurt if you start an investagation...now there would be no need for any type of investagation...if he was doing what he should be doing. So...this is on HIS head...NOT yours! But basically it sounds like a way of misdirection and trying to keep you from finding out the truth...not concern for anyone else's well being....especially NOT yours.

I will add my prayers to yours that God moves to end this crisis. Good Luck!

My kids are 8 10 13. They are fully aware that things are not right at home. My son asked me outright if Daddy is cheating on me. I hurt for them. And what is worse, it's been very hard for me to be the best mother I can be. My attention just isn't there. I'd love to give him an ultimatum but I've been advised that it might be the wrong way to handle it. I want to do what's best.And in reality who wants to force someone to do something they are not willing to do? He can have her. He can have all the riches he can stuff in his pockets. He will ultimately be doing it without me and his kids. Thanks for all advice, you guys help me keep my sanity. What a blessing to have found this site!!! Anything you all can offer, I'll be here.

Everytime I feel comfortable trying to meet his needs something else surfaces...
Plan A is not about being "comfortable" meeting his needs. Plan A is meeting his needs regardless of anything else. YOU put your taker away and expect nothing while doing Plan A.

I told him in counseling that he is not meeting ANY OF MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS
Because he is having an affair. You should not expect him to meet ANY of your emotional needs.

And I don't think plan A would help me in this particular situation
Plan A is not SOLELY to save the marriage. It is to give the marriage the best chance. It is also used for you to look at your own behaviors in the relationship and understand how/what you need to change for ANY relationship, whether it is this one or a future one.

My son asked me outright if Daddy is cheating on me.
What did you tell him?
Whatever you say, DO NOT LIE TO THEM!
You can tell him you are having relationship troubles now and you are hoping your best to work it out. At this point, I don't believe they need to know about an affair, especially since you don't know for sure (of course you know it's happening, but you cannot pinpoint who/where, any details, etc.)

If the affair continues and a divorce is put in the works, then you can tell them (gently, without slamming your husband) that he is having an affair and it is wrong.

Chris...Great advice! I appreciate you taking the time to be candid. I believe I'm slowly getting it. I tell you, it's hard to handle things properly when you are in an emotional fog. For the first time in a week, my H touched me in bed. I didn't push him away. (that's the constant struggle for me especially if there are prostitutes involved). But I was there for him and he was intense. BUT...in the middle of it, he went soft. This is not the first time in recent memory. I feel for him but I don't exactly know how to approach this one. Is it perhaps because he is struggling w/ inner demons? And what can I do and how is the best way to make him feel safe? I will be linking on to the sites you provided in your last correspondence. I appreciate all advice from those who have been there.

Time for Plan B. What Are Plan A and Plan B?