hi everyone. I found out in Nov that my H had an affair. Basically, I found a love letter from OW in his pocket (I had been suspicious for a while) At first he tried to dismiss it, but then admitted he'd had a brief non sexual fling and only seen her3 times, the last two to try end it. He swears on our kids lives this is true, and it ended months ago. However, once when I kept going on I'd leave him if he didnt tell me all facts, he said they had sex. He later took that back. OW letter speaks of true love, touching, feeling, and says in the hours we are together, he says one hour total. So, two months later here I am. I threw him out, then took him back. I'm still so angry and upset. At time of his A I had just had a stillbirth, and was newly pregnant with twins, they are now born. Sorry if I waffled, just looking for support, thanks x

Angeldust --

Welcome to MB and congratulations on your twins! You certainly don't need this added stress from H's A in your life and I'm sorry for what you're going through. One thing this board is very good at providing is support; you've come to a great place for lots of it. We will help you all we can.

Maybe your "waffling" won't turn out to be such a bad thing after all. What are you feeling about your chances for marital recovery? Do you want that? Does your H? What's his attitude about the A? Is he sorry? Has he recommited to you and your marriage? What had made you suspicious earlier?

Of course you're angry and upset about this--who wouldn't be! How long have you been married? What are your ages? How are the twins? How are YOU doing with all of this--the main issue?

It's very common for WS's to minimize the A in terms of importance, frequency, and length of time. Not surprising that you get conflicting stories from him; it's always hard to keep the lies straight.

Sorry for so many questions but the more we know, the more we can help. Answer only what you're comfortable with. Please post again and give us a few more details. I'm glad you've found us.

Ammon

hi, thanks for your reply. H and I are both 26. We have been married 5yrs, together 8. We have 4 kids, inc the twins. Our marriage started pretty good, but we had one major problem, HIS MOTHER. She wasnt ready to let him go, and made demands all the time, often threatening him if he didnt comply. He could Never stand up to her, even if I was in tear due to her hurtful comments etc. This made me feel second best to him, and after we lost the baby (I was 6mos preg) we drifted further apart, he became focused on his job, and me on the new pregnancy. He says at time of A he felt I didnt love him as we didnt kiss or even get on. He says he was in a mess and couldnt cope with another pregnancy after the last one. I was suspicious as he would hide his cellphone, even slept with it under his pillow! he was snappy with me and kids. H says he is very sorry and he regrets it, he will discuss it somewhat reluctantly. He now leaves his phone around. I want to try and forgive him, and nearly loosing him made me see I still love him. He is coming to MC with me next week. Thankyou for support

Angel --

At least three good signs:

1) you two are going to MC next week

2) H gives you access to his cell phone

3) H is sorry and regrets his behavior

So, now you work on you! If H shows remorse, cares about restoring your relationship, helps you (by discussing the A whenever you want to) to regain some measure of trust, you'll feel more positive, that this marriage has a chance to recover. He's got to want to and so do you. More importantly, he's got to show you how much he wants to.

No quick fixes here, no easy answers, but it is doable. Five years and four children make this a significant investment for you both--worth hanging in there and repairing. The counseling will help immensely; I'm really encouraged that you both will be involved in some professional guidance.

In the meantime, read everything on this site--so much valuable and wise stuff here, especially the articles about A's.

Please keep in touch and remember that we're here for you...

Ammon

Angeldust,

Welcome to MB'ers. You are in the right place. What you should do is take a good read of the general welcome here:

General Welcome

This will help get you started then begin to talk about your situation. There are many people here who will help and support, please don't think that you are alone. Best Wishes.

You can make this into an opportunity to make your marriage much better for both of you, if you:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.