Since Oct 02, my husband has been so different. We own a business, so its easy for him to get away when he wants, any day. Because he started being different, I asked if he was having an affair. Of course, he said no. But, New Years Eve, I found a girls phone # in his cell phone address book, so I called her. She said she loved him, met thru mutual friends, and sex wasn't supposed to happen, it just did. He says he has never had a relationship with this person, and he's upset that I would call her, think that of him, etc. After contemplating divorce, he and I talked and he made a commitment *(While still denying ever having an affair) that he wouldn't talk with her again in any form. However, just 2 days ago, I looked thru his cell phone call log and found that he has called her at least 2x. Still, he swears he didn't. I don't know...he blames the phone calls on his friend (saying the friend made the calls from his phone). Yet, on a family trip out of state a few weeks ago, (when the friend wasn't around), I found out a text message from HIS cellphone was sent to the girl saying 'I luv u so much'. We have 3 children together ..and been together for 6 yrs. Am I wasting my time, should I stick it out? What do I do in the interim? ??????

SirsAngelG --

Welcome to MB. I am very sorry for this pain and confusion in your life. We'll help you all we can.

I can't interpret what you're telling us in any other way; no other explanation fits here. We've heard it and seen it on this board far too many times. You know too. Unfortunately, you've put it all together yourself and come here with it all spelled out. As devastating as that sounds, this however is not a hopeless situation. Not by any means.

Three children and a six-year marriage = worth sticking it out, worth working through the problems, worth the pain and anguish to repair this thing and make it better than it was. "Am I wasting my time?"--Absolutely not. Never!

"What do I do in the interim?"--That's why you're here with us now. Start by reading the material on affairs on this site. Read all the articles and columns and everything you can get your hands on. Get a copy of SAA (Surviving An Affair), also on this site. Read the posts by others to learn that so many of us have gone through what you're dealing with. Realize that you're not alone in this battle for your marriage; we're here, we can help, and we care.

I suggest professional counseling, at least for you and together if H will agree. Find someone good in your area or use the Harleys right here on this site.

What are your ages? How old are your children? So far, your H has denied the A; is that still the case? Does he want your marriage to continue? Is he sorry, contrite, remorseful?

We know what you're going through and we know how much it hurts. We know how lost and confused you are feeling, how devastated and hurt. Please post again and let us know how you're doing. Know that we are here for you.

Ammon

The short answer is Plan A, and if that does not work, Plan B. If you don't even know exactly what that means yet read What Are Plan A and Plan B?. Beyond that, do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

We are both 33. Our children are 2, 10, & 11. He still ..even today .. denies it. He says he loves me, has and never would do anything like that, and he's angry that I dont trust him. Everytime I think I can get past this, it comes up again ..b/c he goes out EVERY Wednesday night 'with the guys to play pool' ...but leaves at 10pm and comes in around 4am. I want to scream!! The really sad thing is that I love him so much, he's been the best thing in my life, I can't imagine how life would be without him, -BUT, then there's the 'but'. THANK YOU, Ammon, for your reply! It was soooo good to hear someone receptive to my thoughts.

We are both 33. Our children are 2, 10, & 11. He still ..even today .. denies it. He says he loves me, has and never would do anything like that, and he's angry that I dont trust him. Everytime I think I can get past this, it comes up again ..b/c he goes out EVERY Wednesday night 'with the guys to play pool' ...but leaves at 10pm and comes in around 4am. I want to scream!! The really sad thing is that I love him so much, he's been the best thing in my life, I can't imagine how life would be without him, -BUT, then there's the 'but'. THANK YOU, Ammon, for your reply! It was soooo good to hear someone receptive to my thoughts.

There is a SLIM...I repeat...slim chance that what looks and sounds like a duck...is a recording. However...he's not being honest with you...and until he is...no healing or reclaiming of trust will happen.

He KNOWS that he's crossed a line, or else he wouldn't have agreed to NC so quickly. jmho

And I do NOT believe that "this person" who he never had a relationship with would be IN his cell phone to begin with, much less that his friends are calling her from his cell. Nor do I believe she'd tell you how much she loves him for no reason.

He's covering his tracks, trying to pull the affair back into the shadows. Waiting for you to calm down...and resume his normal behavior.

Time to get a babysitter for Wednesday nights...and go, too. Either with his knowledge or without. You may not be ready for this step, but spouse's deny and deny and deny...even with proof staring them in the face...as long as the BS will show the least amount of doubt in the exsistence of an affair, the WS is unlikely to confess.

Sorry you're facing this uphill battle, but until he admits and brings honesty back to your marriage...you're just spinning your wheels. jmho

Good Luck!