Hello
Last night was very bad. I have been in plan A for about 1 month now. My husband had a PA while away on business in another country and is still having an EA with the same woman by phone and email. He promised to stop one month ago and claims he has although I have proof this has not happened. Things have been getting better between us. He is showing affection and giving me little kisses and rushing home after work so we can be together and go out. I know he sent her a Happy Birthday email yesturday and I guess he must have called her for her Birthday too. Anyway he has no idea I know these things (I am keeping what I know a secret for now) Anyway he rushed home to take me out for dinner and a movie. We laughed and joked and talked about the future. It was great. Then we came home and relaxed. When it was time for bed a put a cute nightgown on in hopes that maybe he might be ready to make love to me. (we have not made love since the PA since he came back from his trip 6 weeks ago). I asked him to make love to me and he said nothing. I pushed a little further and he got angry took his pillow and went to the sofa. I asked him to come back to bed and that I would not bother him again. He said that things were going good with us why was I trying to ruin it? I said wanting to make love to my husband is ruining it? I just dont understand. I spent most of the rest of the night on the sofa crying about how I hate my life and this is not the life I had dreamt of. I dont know what to do. I am trying to hold on the 6 months but this is so hard. We are in Canada and the OW is in Mexico now but she is moving to Australia in 2 weeks(much further away thank god). I am trying to be strong should I confront him about the stuff I know once I know she is on her plane? HELP

how do you know it is still going on??

I have his email password. He saves all her messages and the ones I send him as well. I also have friends in Mexico. Good informants

Hurtandalone --

I'm so sorry that things look so bleak for you right now, that you're trying so very hard to make this all work out right for you and for your marriage. Know that you are doing the right things here, good and solid and healthy things.

The success of your efforts depends upon H's willingness to give up the OW and recommit to your relationship. You can't control what he'll do, but you can influence him through your Plan A approach. Plan A focuses on you and your strengths and stabilities. You're doing all you can do right now to stack the deck in your favor; the all-important next move is his. The plus in Plan A is that you improve whether or not the relationship does.

I know you're discouraged and that it hurts. I can feel those emotions in your post. Know that we're here and that we care and that we're with you on this difficult journey.

The Plan A six-month timeframe is a ballpark figure; one that in general seems to be a likely and average time to have it work. From what you're saying, it hasn't "taken hold" yet and H maintains his contact (no matter what he claims). But as long as the EA continues, he will not be working with you on your relationship.

You know (and he doesn't know yet that you do) that the A is on-going. You know he's not telling you the truth. In other words, you're spinning wheels while he thinks he's keeping you happy. I'd let him know that you know, that he's not keeping his promise, that his behavior choices have consequences. A liar in a relationship cannot be tolerated!

If he plugs the leaks and switches email addresses, you'll still be able to tell by his behavior and attitude toward you. Typical WS statement: "...things were going good with us, why was I trying to ruin it?" -- nonsense and you know it. Remember, you're doing the RIGHT things here and H is doing the WRONG ones. Of course wanting that intimacy with your H isn't ruining anything. Bottom line: he's got to implement NC with OW before he can work on the recovery of your marriage. He promised...but hasn't delivered yet.

But you can't give up hope, as hard as this is. No, this isn't the life you dreamed of. But, believe it or not, it still can be. You've been Plan A'ing for a month; can you do another month? How about a week? Another day? Remember, this is about a "better you" too. Is this pain worth that? Is your marriage? You can do this, Hurt, you can hang in. We're here for you...

Ammon

Thanks Ammon
I am going to hand in there. Do you think I should wait until the OW goes to Australia. I guess I am crazy to think the further away she is the better. See my husband is Mexican and I am afraid he will run there and make her stay with him. I know he would never go to Australia. I have to wonder at times if he is waiting for her to go back home to her family and stuff and then let her down easy? One day at a time right?

Anybody know any councillors or groups in Toronto?

Trying to decide if waiting is a wise course of action or not. Since you've been waiting...maybe another two weeks isn't out of the question if it makes you feel better to wait.

Personally, I'm not nearly as couragous as you are...I'd have forwarded everyone of those emails to myself, then copied them out and shown them to my H. I'm not a wait and see person...full steam ahead, which does at times mean that I run myself right into an iceberg which should have been and could have been avoided. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

From his actions last night...he's not ready to truly try to rebuild. He's just marking time for whatever reason. You can NOT control this.

Until he is ready, you continue working on YOU! Then no matter what he decides...you come out a stronger, healthier, better person and partner.

I have printed all the emails. I even went as far as creating an account that is almost identical to hers I then replaced her address in the address book with the fake one so everything he sends her comes to me first. I did this because she does not reply to his emails and I wanted to know what he was writing. I know I am crazy. Anyway an update. I talked to him this morning and he apologized for last night and told me he was just tired (whatever, of course I dont believe that). Anyway I will continue to plan A it for a few weeks more. I may go insane first though. I am working on myself and getting out with friends and taking classes and of course this website helps ohh and lots of reading. One day at a time. And breathing helps

Hurtandalone --

Smart thinking on the email address change gimmick; what a great idea! All in the name of basic research. Not "crazy" at all to set that up, except maybe crazy like a fox. How's that going? Getting the info you want? Only another week or so until OW heads "down under," right? Not that we want to turn her loose on our Australian friends!

The beauty of your Plan A work is that you "win" no matter which way this goes. I'm glad you're going to continue to hang in with it. Post here if you feel your resolve slipping; we'll boost it back up again.

"One day at a time" is a good thing to keep in mind. If a whole day seems difficult, try for just an hour at a time. This is doable...and YOU CAN DO IT! Keep those update posts coming; helps us to know you're still positive about this. We're here for you...

Ammon