I am in the process of trying to save my marriage after coming across a questionable email from an old classmate to my husband and also a lie he almost pulled off so my nerves and questions are flying .. he swears nothing is happening and we are in counseling to help me heal and get over this.. i was trying to have a romantic evening with my h with lit candles, lingerie the whole thing went to get a Sade cd very sensual sexy musician we both love her music and low and behold they are not there i know they where there a few days ago i asked my h where are the cds and he stammers and starts to say they are a work he brought them there xmas to put in the car cd player which i know he inteted to do but it never happened they where at home after xmas he then is kinda well not sure i asked him why he was lying to me i explained i knew they where at the house after xmas and he then says that oh yeah he remembers now he brought them with him to a basketball game we went to last week and was going to play one for me on the ride but ended up not playing one and when he got to work they where in his backpack and heavy so he took them out and forgot them there... i was very upset of course my flags are going crazy because he has broken the trust we once had and i just don't t know how to react or build it back up he got very angry and was saying things like he can't even take his owbn cds out of the house and so on ,,, he after a while did appologized and said he created this and he was sorry and that he needs to be more understanding...how long adn what does one have to do to get over something like this .. i feel like if i keep reacting in this way i will push him away for good.. and it may be over nothing if what he says is true about everything....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...he swears nothing is happening... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...appologized and said he created this and he was sorry and that he needs to be more understanding... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From my perspective, real recovery doesn't even start until honesty starts. Your counselor may disagree. Get "Surviving an Affair". Read it together.

when i say he say he created it i mean he does realize what the affects of writing this person emails without me knowing about it which makes for suspicion ... he swaers that is the only thing he is guilty of and says he was wrong in doing it but it was no big deal to him they where just friends and nothing was going on ....

i have ordered surviving an affair as well as 2 other books his needs her needs and love busters .. i feel even if it wasn't physical or not even emotional it still feels like an affair because he lied about it ... he has broken a trust . and it is kinda the same to me anyway ...

I'm so sorry, but I don't think you know what happened...yet! My red flags would be flying at an alarming rate. He may be swearing nothing did go on or is going on...but it doesn't sound like it to me. Think I'd go down to his office today and see if those cds are there, if he hasn't already brought them home. jmho

well you are right i didn't know and I guess I will never know . I just found out yesterday that their contact started around april of 2000 and they lost contact before oct 2001 and i am sure thats around when it picked back up again and still not sure of when but my h had told me it had only been since this summer??? more lies . he also said he thought she was cute in high school but also thought she was too young... but i also found out he asked her to the senior banquet and had written her letters when he went to boot camp for the navy and she still has these letters ... they didn't state love letters but she did mention leters he wrote and she still has them ... all of this was found under the message board for classmates.com back when it was free they apparently used it not anymore though because you have to pay there are not any messages past oct 2001 so have no idea .. so i asked him about this last night and he admits he ommitted the truth but only beacuse it would have made him look more guilty than he already looks and he didn't want to hurt me more hah!!he says he forgot about writing to her in the service and he says he wrote alot of old friends when he first went in the service (and he did one of them was me.. ) he still is stinking to his guns that he did not have a physcial affair with her and they where just friends and he can understand how i feel it is cheating and very very close to an emotional affair. he has agreed to sit down on sunday and read with me surviving an affair and eventually other books his needs her needs and love butsers and then whatever else i can get my hands on he does agree we need to work on the ttrust issue big time that has been broken big time by him and our need to be totally open and honest in our communication so as this or things like this will never happen .. so i am know faced with a dilema do i just let this go (the best i can anyway) and move on and rebuild our marriage and trust he really wants to do this he swears up and down he does but again how can i beleive him after so many lies or should i keep trying to get to the exact truth ..

Continue counseling and watch! Not only listen to his words, but make sure he understands that you are looking closely at his actions.

He MIGHT be telling the truth from his POV...but even if he is, he crossed boundaries which never should have been crossed.

Anger of the WS or even maybe WS is pretty normal. They don't like having to explain their actions, when in the past there wasn't any need for explainations. Tough! They must learn that what was...is no longer, because of their choices...and they must now abide by new expectations. Trust is a gift which we all expect and think we deserve...but when a breach of that trust has happened...it is never again a gift...it must be earned. And earning it is never easy. You must not only be trustworthy, you must show by word, deed, and thought that you are trustworthy.

It can be very difficult to prove a negative. IF he is doing everything right, it's hard to prove that he isn't doing something wrong along with all the things he is doing right.

Good Luck!

I agree with you thank you for your insight ... and i will watch as well as listen.. but should I let up on him opening up and telling me everything and anything about the relationship or just accept what he is offering and focus on the future from here on out and building or marriage and work on him regaining my trust? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />