Hi 3...been reading your posts. I am new at this site, usually at affairs.help...but wanted to put in my two cents ...in my case, I am being told there is no contact, to my knowledge (since H has been home with surgery re-coop since Nov) there has not been. However the OW is attempting to reach out still, by having H friends contact him for her....this is bad enough! just the idea that "maybe" it isnt truly over, it haunts me daily......I don't know why I have hung in here as long as I have. My friends tell me I'm nuts! We do have alot of history, been together for 39 yrs. So its very difficult. I admire you for your "fight", wanting to make things right again.......however, your H needs to stop contact with this OW for you to ever get on with your life and your marriage. most of us BS's always wonder if the contact has stopped, but you Know it hasen't...how can your H expect you to believe him when he continues to see the OW for what ever reason. Her problems should be for her to figure out, not your H's. you are the one he needs to concentrate on....you as a person, the woman he married...the hurt we all feel is horrible, the betrayal, all of it. thinking about your H with another is something I dwell on still, I found out approx. 18 months ago.(co-worker). It shattered my self confidence, turned me into a jr. detective, made me something I dont even like.........my grown children dont even understand why i am still here.....we all want to believe, but omg it is hard.....please continue to posts, it helps. look how i have rambled...lol...try to talk to your H about this, mine usually clams up when i bring it up....i do know one thing, he really has to stop the contact w/her...hugs to you, Annette

Hi 3,
Sounds like H is ashamed of his past behavior, thus the minimalizing of the situation. My WH did the same thing for a while. If we had done such an awful thing, I'm sure that it would be hard to face.

I understand that he legitimately feels guilt for making promises to needy OW, but he has to GROW UP! He can't be everything to everyone. As others have said, YOU are the one he made a REAL committment to (marriage), the promises he made to OW were pillow talk, shouted through fog. OW needs to make decisions to improve her life, instead of depending on others. It sounds like she's had a rough time, but that is no excuse to wallow in her miseries and drag others down with her!

I'm praying for you.

trixiep

Annette - HI hope H is recovered from surgery ok -

Tahnk for posting .

Well I know all agree H MUST NOT HAVE CONTACT , and I do to .
I have in every way possibale tried reaching this GOAL BUT.......... I obviously have not been succsefull (LOL)
Yet another talk last night , gone know where H states he loves me very much and wants us toghether and everything will be fine. He absolutly refuses to tell her stateing this will only make matters worse for him and he has no feeling other then pity and guilt for her. He says he does feel guilty and knows I am hurting BUT........... He is with me and doesn't think that respondingg to her is a big deal cause I know all and he is honest with me .

I of course become angry with these answers and LB all over the place ( not good ) .

So I clearly stated I feel he is choosing OW over me and I will not be able to heel or "GET OVER IT " (the way he puts it) If he talks to her or sees her any time 1time is to many .

Since MB I have not really sat down and preformed a good plan A . LB all the time . Talk about it everyday ect.
Now I need to find my way ME , I think I will be able to do this for about 3 months this is my goal.

Telling OW , well not unless I can catch them together (he says he never sees during the day lunch time ) so after this I will seek to catch them and confront both at same time .

YOU can't make someone stop seeing OP or Talking they have to do that . I don't call her for that resaon , If she called me I told him all bets are off I will Sing like a BIRD .

After our "Talk" last night I just left it with him that I clearly see his choose is OW . I showered and cleaned and went to bed . He asked me if I was still going to loving to him and he is not choosing her he LOVES me only . I did not respond . I will not call to check up on him nor look at his phone any more . I will give him all the trust he wants to hang himself and then if he is doing wrong and not honest I will catch off gaurd and bring them down <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I need to ven and post so if it bothers anyone I guess I won't get responses .

TRIX- You hit the nail on the head , I do know him and he is ashammed and minimizing it . He never could deal with hurting someone and coming out with it , it always is a process and that is what pisses me off more because you and everyone her are right I am the one he made the commitment to , BUT... I know in hisway of thinking he feels I am strong enough he has not yet got the BIG picture .

When he came home 11and a half months ago he was scared I know it he started to relize it was coming to an end he just might loose me . And playing house was not as fun as he thought , but some where that FOG came back maybe my fault I pushed to hard for the N/C to fast and never let up .

Well...I don't think you pushed too hard or too fast. You're trying to get him to do SOMETHING...whatever that something is. But he isn't budging. You do what you feel is right for you! You're the only one who is standing in your shoes with all the information available to you. There is only so much any of us can post on a support board.

Vent away to your hearts content if it helps. That too is part of the process of healing. HUGS!

I just need to talk , I don't even know what I am feeling any more , I guess somewhere between ,confused, defeated and lonely . H is at court today with this $lut and has not phoned yet . I sware sometimes he does it to push my buttons . I sometimes sit here and just wait for that feeling , the feeling that will make me stop caring about anything . I wish sometimes that I would just feel nothing no anger , regret, failar,jealousy and hurt .

One minute I feel I control this the next I feel it contrils me . After all this time I would have thought I would not feel half of this anymore.

Weekend was quit fine normal , why does that bother me sometimes? I don't know . He was affectionate (cuddles, kisses,sexual and talkative)

I woke up like a crazy women this mornig harassing him every chance I got . Why couldn't I just get through the day why?

I let him leave hear with us fighting , now he is with her thats not a good memory for him to have . WOW I suck at plan A . 3,4 days then I am a nut . God I am rambling . Friday I didn't call him all day kept busy , he called so many times to ask why I am not calling and say he loved me and today wow . You know the difference between a real rollercoaster and this one the real one STOPS .

Wifey- I always value your thoughts just don't know how to take them sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like your scolding me LOL

3...not scolding, but know that I can sometimes come off that way. I'm just so hard nosed about on-going crap which keeps the affair going for the BS even if the WS isn't actually still in the affair.

About feeling nothing...that's not going to happen as long as you face all this each day. His continued contact with this OW is keeping the wounds free-flowing. IF...not saying you should...you completely got away from all his interaction with YOU, then you might move into that feeling nothing for him. Hate is NOT the other side of the coin from love...it's indifference.

Of course you LBed this morning...how could you not when you knew he was going to take her to court? He set up the situation, then gets to walk out the door.

As I've said before, not a great advice giver for Plan Aer's when crap is still happening with the OP. I want to kick all the WSs to the curb or at the very least upside the head with a frying pan! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But, I do understand that Plan A can make a great difference in the WS...I just know that I'd never have the courage which you have shown.

Hugs...hope you get a phone call soonest.

Oh well he came home 9pm . called 2x's .
more excuses , they got out of court at 5pm to her house at 6:30 called me and she wanted him to go to storage to get her some more of her boxes . (They had her stuff in storage at one of his buildings at work when she moved into apt. ) This stuff is there he took me to see it all some time ago . Now that she is getting alittle settled every once in a while she wants more stuff to find room for it .

She has got more excuses to have him around . Well we fought and I hung up . H came home and told me she has to go back to court 2/13/03. H said to her sorry but I can not help you that day make your own arangements . She is pissed off doesn't understand if he has days off what else would he take them for ?

Well yesterday she called 6 more times , to yell at him and remind him he is a piece of crap for messing up her life and not stayong with her .

I said to him I guess your theory that if u are nice she don't bother u , is not true cause u took her mon. and tues. she is bothering u .

I know but I want him to see it . Is this Fog?
I exspressed to him that the nicer he is will just keep leading her on and get her more angry that he is doing a good job of stating he is with no one that , that keeps hope alive for her .

Post more later .

WOW I hate snow days , I am so depressed , not feeling to good and angry all at once . Slut called 2x's already that I know of don't know what they talked about he was with someone at work couldn't talk long and has not called back yet .

I know I am not stupid , what is it then I don't want pity . Why am I doing this I am not scared I know that. I can handle divorce if thats it .

So why am I so dam stoboren ? I know he is still lying , I know theres more going on then he is admitting. I hate it that he won't admit it , some BS are faced with WS telling then they still have fellings for OP but at least its honest . I don't belive him that he has no feelings for OW because ,well its obvious she snaps he JUMPS .

I just want the love we use to share back so bad ,but if he can't then I want him to say it and HE says he does then doesn't even HOP for me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I know my gut is screaming that I am going to snap and just blow this hole thing out of the water soon its coming . And it bothers me that I don't think he cares that it will end messy and all we have been to one another . Our children ,how can any parent want to be so cruel to let things get out of control and end badly for the kids. Why would a Spouse want to let there kids see there SPOUSE HURT so much not now but if I have to force the issue and go to her it will be ugly . Why would he want that? I just want the trueth and thats all I wanted , so why is it so hard for someone to give that? Why can't they see the good that they once had and let that be the courage they need to tell the BS the truth?

What ever the out come is . I am rambling oh wait mr. wonderful on phone .

Well she is sayng **** about snoe and him not seeing kids , what ever I just went nuts I am not sitting here again with him there . I know where this is going they will just push me till i flip out and cause a seen . Then H will say she didn't know she will lie for him and say she was a VICTOM she plays that WELL . Then be pissed at me and leave and just swear it was all my fault .

Is my imagination to wild or am I nuts or or ?

Today is vent day again .

He treats you like SH** because you let him.

Start putting some protection and plans into place for you and the kids, like applying for financial assistance so that you are EMPOWERED to make some decisions for yourself.

Once you have that in place, TELL OW THE TRUTH.
Let the two of them LB each other to death.

Then decide if you really want him all that badly after he has REPEATEDLY put her and her needs first for so long.

Time to grow some cahunas 3. How sick and twisted do you want your children to grow up to be. This is their model of a loving marriage?? UGH.

Hi LEXXY always nice to be yelled at by you LOL .

NO sorry I am stoborn I am not looking for finacial support and I am not going any where.

H will support me and my kids that I know .
Any way V-DAY on FRIDAY .

It is my wedding anniversay 11 years. I just sat down and write him a straight and to the point letter asking him to make a decision .

I would like him to re-commit to our marriage on our ANNIVERSARY or say his good-byes on the day it all took place .I know I am a bit dramatic everything has to have its day to me.

MY kids are fine like I said this has not been talked about in front of them any more and they do see us hugging and sitting together watching tv and talking about everyday evens very "NORMAL" every day life for them . I will wait until they are asleep or at school to speak to him about the situation with OW . She has not phoned on week ends or at night after he is in from work . I don't know how that stoppped and don't care I just know they are not part of it since before the thing before chritsmas .

The wheels are spinning in my head and sometimes I do belive I am bringing more on to myself then what it is . At night when he holds me sometimes I feel like he is holding on for dear life , he makes me feel without saying anything that he can't let me go . And other times he is so far away , there never seems to be a middle ground .

I know I am just getting so tired and just want to sleep life away .

Well night a good night to give him letter company should up and right before that bimbo called so LB for me . I can't keep myself in check . any way I think cause I am depressed V-DAY and then the thing I hate most BIRTHDAY on monday 17th . Birthdays always depresses me but now even more and my wieght issue is on my mind to much .

H is right I am way to focused on OW . I can't stop . I know in my heart H is wrong cause he does not secure me THE WAY I NEED WHEN IT COMES TO HER . But I wish he could read my mind I don't want to say it I want him to .

God maybe its me , I want him to be prince charming .

I went from someone wanting me and desiring me and missing me to oh its u . does this make any sense . I got issues . just rambling .

After ow called last night he says my god my life is not my own !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't get it how stupid is he , if u don't want her to call or me to bother u about this JUST STOP CONTACT WITH HER , no brainer for me , whats the problem .

Alien? FOg ? no there has to be another name for it something that defines BRAIN DEAD .

He goes in and out . LIKE a light bulb it flickers and then off .

One day he knows its because of this situation we fight next week he denies it and says its me .

One day I love u next is your driving me crazy and I can't deal with your attitde .

He said I don't shut up long enough to see my pain all he sees is my attitude nasty . Says I am giving him an ulser <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Well enough of me rambling . good day to all

I have no idea if anyone is even out there listenting to me , coming here is starting to make me feel just as lonely as not having any one to talk to at all.

It makes me feel like I am keeping a jurnal to myself .

Last night was a nightmare , H went to stop by to se OW cause she called all day on his cell at work and he ignored her.

She court him by calling right as he was getting to ready to leave work (no # came up he thoght it was me) H answered she asked him to stop by cause he ignored all her previous calls .

H told me it was going to be 5 min. ,Then calls me and starts to say he is court up and she walked over and started questioning him , who are u on phone with? why her? you don't need her permission to hang out? I am on the line listening to this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I went nuts she couldn't here all I was saying he got scared and just said tell kids I will pick them up later ,(that was for her to think he don't live here)

I continued to harass and call I started a big fight I wanted her to here me and she heard some .

Witch H says made it worse cause then she got suspicious (my spelling sucks) Now she started questioning him saying why am I so crazy ? If he sees his kids every night why would I get so mad if he skipped one night ?

OW started accusing him of being home or maybe trying to get back with me . That he says made the night go on longer .

Enough with that I sat here and I don't know I put the kids to bed and I just broke down for everything I was worth . I think I acctually had a nerves break down . I realized none of this is his fault . Its mine !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate me I don't even want to be in my own skin .
For the first time in my life I realized that I was selfish , thats not me I was never a selfish person EVER .

I let this happen I let him do this cause I wanted him to love me again love me the way he did before OW .

I sacrified all my morals , beliefs my kids at one point for what I wanted .

I wanted my marriage at any cost , It is starting to be very exspensive .

I am a low life , I have abslutely no respect for me , looking in the mirror last night made me ill .I stuck my head in that bowl and wish I could throw up the person I have become .

I always knew selfiness was not me and I now know why all my life why I couldn't be a selfish person . Because it ruins people . I DID THIS , I single handdly RUINED my self .

I did not follow a plan I self distructed . I pushed him in to her arms ,I allowed it I allowed myself to destroy me . He didn't I did . I was a stupid inmature person thinking if I turned this to having faith all the pieces will fall into place and it would thake care of it self .

She was going to court today and H refused to take her , I figured he would sneak it but now he has called every 15mins from the office phones so I can see where he is all day and that he did not take her .

But I know he is pissed off doing that cause he don't think he should have a leash , I explained neither do I but he should be doing it cause it makes me feel secure and shouldn't be upset about it .

We are suppose to go out tonight for anniversary (on v-day ) but the only night I can get a sitter . So now what I feel lower then low haw do I pick myself up and go out ? I want to roll up in a ball and cry my self to a better place .

These are the things and only things I know for FACT .

I am NOT leaveing
H says he WILL NOT leave
I do still love him
And I Came to a decision not to call this SLUT I won't give her the satisfaction to know what she did to me . If she knows he is home then she knows she accomplished ripping me (us ) apart without having to come clean and making herself look like the victom once again .

And I won't call cause if thats what he is waiting for so he feels justified for leaving and he will be with her and never own up to it .

Other then really sitting back and totally beliving that everthing he says is true I don't know .

But I know I hate myself and that I can not blame him for that any more it is me and only me the destroyed me .

ANY and I mean ANY kind of feed back convo anything is welcome I can use the convo even weather is ok . as long as its not the weather in BROOKLYN I am ok .

I'm sorry to see that you're hurting. I never want to see anyone in pain like this.

But I do agree with your analysis -- no one can be in this situation unless they allow it.

If you refuse to leave, and refuse to let her have him, and refuse to kick him out....then I guess there's not much to be done except endure what your decision will cost you in terms of your self-respect and self-esteem.

I personally would not do it. I think I'm worthy of a man who will put me above all others. I'm worthy of living WITHOUT the pain he brings. I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel worse.

So I guess you need to accept that he's involved with her and stop worrying about their relationship.

How are you going to get YOUR needs met? What needs are most important to you and who can fill them -- obviously WH isn't an option since he's busy filling OW's.

Affection?
Honesty?

What needs does WH meet for you now? And who can fill the others?

(((((3)))))
Jeez where to start??

You have got to stop letting this cakeman's actions determine your self-worth. You want to save your marriage. This does not make you a bad person.

I'm not disagreeing with the fact that you choose to stay, but I understand your need to try to hang in there and make it work. And there has been progress. At least now he is showing some affection and has done a few things right (not answering her calls, not taking her to court today, etc.).

Quit beating yourself up! You said you know that you love your H and you're not going to leave. You know you want your marriage back. You need to formulate a plan and stick to it. Have you ever seen the list of "180° divorce busting" tactics? Some people have the link in their sigs, but for the life of me I can't remember any right now. I think it may be helpful to you. I'll try to find it & post a link.

Divorce busting info
Finally found what I was looking for for you. Hope I did the link right, and I hope it helps.

Thank You was wondering when u would come to my rescue LOL really was think of how u are doing haven't seen u post

Got to go out for anniversary . Post later thanks again

I post in recovery now. Things have been going really good.

Happy Anniversary and I hope you two had a nice evening out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lost- thanks for words of encouragement . Well picked myself up late afternoon yesterday , and tried very hard to make myself look presentable .(after a night of crying well you can imagine how much that took) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway OW called H on way home to say she was home from court . That he is a low life for not taking her and has no money cause she took cab home . HE said TU have a nice day bye . she was pissed off and yelled hung up .

well H does not expect today V- DAY to go well at all . And I was thinking about that ( I think wayyy toooo much about OW)

Today should not go well I know sick right .But if everything he says is true ,Ow not knowing he is home , being crazy to make sure he is not with me, and beliving he sees his kids leaves then 7;30pm on a FRI. and KNOWS our anniversary is today then she should be more crazy today then any other !!!!!!!! Get where I am going with this .

If he is "with her" and she knows the only way she would shut up would be for him to be making promises and begging her to lay low tonight .

So in a sick way I am hopeing he gets harassed all NIGHT LONG . I told you I was sick , but do you understand what I am getting at .

Although I wanted to focuse on us tonight put kids to bed early and try to take charge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He got paid wend. he was broke last night , I think he bought flowers for her for today .

LAst night went ok , talking walking some kisses but no R talk he was not I Love U no real affection . U would think if he was remorseful that I would have got I LOVE U so sorry everything is screwed up something . But not in a mean way , like he is holding back,scared,hesitaton almost like he wants to but don't know how . Is that weird ? He told me the other night he feels like he is under the gun like I expect something and I jump on him so much it never gives him time to do it himself before I am all over him saying why didn't you say or do this or that for me or to me?

I am noticing these things about myself , I put in my head how romantic he should be or how I think he should react to something or what he should say if he cares about me . Then the second it don't happen right at the moment I think it should I go nuts . I want to speed the process up . I see this how do I stop it?

It is probbly ruining me and sending him into her arms.

I just feel like well he should KISS MY A$$ ( and I tell him that ) HE gets nuts.

I am rambling on and on trying to stay in good mood for when he calls .

AND then there monday the BIRTHDAY I hate knowing I am getting old <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> she is younger that does not help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Enjoy V-day go for 2,3,4, heck make it an all nighter LOL

Any one care to jump in I can use the advice .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I wanted to focuse on us tonight put kids to bed early and try to take charge </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep this thought! Whenever another thought hits, put it aside and go back to this one...the important one for today!!!!

If possible...turn off ringer on ALL phones!