I have been here before. H and I have been doing well I guess you could call it recovery, I feel like I am just surviving (or trying to maintain my sanity). But just recently H tells me he has to go on a business trip out of town, ironically, the business trip is in the same town as OW (who he claims there was nothing going on with). I am completely stressed out about this an don't beleive that it is a business trip. I desperatly want to believe him, but this is just a little to coincidental for me to chew. Am I being parinoid or is the cycle just starting itself over again?

Ebah --

Sorry you're back with us again. I've read some of your previous posts back last fall and I've yet to find one in which your H has admitted to an A. Did this happen and I have missed it?

I don't believe that being paranoid is even a consideration, given your history. In other words, you have every right to feel unsteady with H and his "business" trip. I don't know if the cycle is repeating here but the bigger issue is your feelings. You're still uncomfortable with H and it doesn't sound as if he's doing much to help you regain your footing.

Denials from H generally are meaningless, as most WS's lie when confronted. What has he done for you and with you to set your relationship back on its feet. The point: whether he's in an A or not, you believe that to be a strong possibility. He owes it to you to help you to feel secure and to restore the trust you once had in him = bottom line.

Certainly you want to believe your H but you don't for now and for whatever your reasons are. Have you told him recently that this trip makes you nervous and why it does? It is possible that he needs to take this trip for business reasons but the fact that it's where the OW is makes this a shaky time, opens up old wounds, makes you feel insecure. What does he say, not about his having an A but about your discomfort? Will he listen to you?

When's the trip? How long will he be gone? Could you go with him? Keep us in the loop, Ebah, we're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon,

I am not sure how much back ground you know about my situation, but H has not admitted to anything. But his behavior was improving, he was checking in with me more often and stopped hanging out so late, and got rid of his 2-way pager (which is how I first discovered he was contacting OW (plural)).

When I did confront him about the trip he of course said that I was not being supportive of his career and that this trip was a great way for him to network, etc. And unfortunately I am 8 months pregnant and cannot travel. (I would have to be on a plane to go on the trip).

Today, I found "evidence" that the trip was bogus, but don't want to confront H, mainly because I am pregnant, and unfortunately I "need" him right now. Cause if I were to confront him, I think I would put him out, cause that is how I am feeling. Plus, back in the fall, I confronted H on another issuse and stressed my self out so much I went into preterm labor (in my 5th month). So right now, my baby is a priority for me.

I want this to work, but I cannot deal with much more of this, he just seems to lay low 'do the right thing' to get my confidence back and then starts up with his crap. (my feeling is that it never stopped, he was just more careful).

I don't know if anyone is reading this but I need to get this out of me (any advice is welcome as well).

As for the business trip my H is supposedly going on, I am about 98% sure it is bogus. Here are the reasons

1) he brought home a letter from the organization that requested his company send someone to their convention. The letter looked like a letter a parent would write to release their child from school, not from a prestigous org. my H claims they are. The letter was not addressed to anyone, and gave no information about the event (time, place).

2) The letter looked like it had been faxed and then signed by someone my H knew. (the original signature was on the faxed copy).

3) I called the numbers listed on the letterhead and no one seems to know about the event (and it is only 2 weeks away)

In my previous post I said that I wasn't going to confront H. After all this I have to. I think I have better control of my emotions, so hopfully I won't cause any distress to the baby (I am 8 months pregnant). But I feel that if I sit on this then he will think he has gotten away with more.

Do anyone have any suggestions how to go about this without LB or getting out of control. I feel like I am pretty calm now and can do this. I need support. Please!

I am so sorry for the position you are in my heart goes out to you and my prayers,, one thing to consider which would do more harm to your baby and body the stress of confrontation or holding it all in...? I wish you the best hang in there.

Ebah --

Yes, I'm reading your most recent post and shaking my head in wonder: how could your H think that this phony "letter" could ever possibly do the job and "justify" this trip for you? He must think you're a total fool!

Your detective work has paid off very well, although the payoff isn't what you want to see. There's not much chance, from the evidence you've presented, that the letter isn't bogus, especially as the company knows nothing about the event. I'm sorry, Ebah, this isn't the direction you need to be going in at all, but unfortunately an all-too-necessary one. Your focus should be on caring for yourself and the up-coming birth; but H has forced your hand and made it critical for you to address things with him.

You have my support. Rehearse what you're going to say, anticipate high anxiety levels, be prepared for denials and anger ("Well, it's obvious you don't trust me and don't want me to get ahead in my career, etc."). You can control how you choose to present the issues and how you react to him. The most important issue is you and your health and your baby's well-being.

Please let us know how the discussion went. Remember that we're here for thoughts and support, anytime you need us. I wish you the very best...

Ammon

considering the impending birth, you might "offer" to call his office to get his itinerary and daily schedule with contact numbers 'cause you might need to call him at any time 24 hours a day until the baby is born, dontcha know

might be fun to see how he tries to get out of that! if he says, "oh, I'll do that tomorrow" -- hand him the phone and say "let's do it now, while its on our minds; I know how busy you get and all, dear... here, let me dial for you, puddin' head"

Thanks for all your support. I know that my health is the most important thing, that is why I have not confronted him on things I have discovered before this last incident, but I have to say something, cause I feel that if I don't all of that anxiety inside of me will cause more harm.

Ammon..I have been practicing what I have been saying, cause H has a way of twisting words and the situtation around without actually addressing the issue.

The point I am at now and what I want to decide before I confront him, is what do i want to come out of this. Admitting the situtation is not longer good enough. Part of me wants to tell him to get out and the other part of me want to pull away (emotionally and physicsally), give him time to decide what he wants (kind of a Plan B)--but given that I am pregnant a full plan B really won't work.

I know that you all can't tell me what I should do, but I am at odds to how I should deal with H, and what I should expect from letting him know the truth. Do I tell him to get out, or keep living in the same house with minmal E or P contact? If anyone has been in a similar situation, your experiences/suggestions would be useful.

Ebah.......sorry. Seems the writing is on the wall again- confronting it BEFORE he leaves sounds like a must. Is there some other person you can have with you when you have this CHAT with your WH? Early labor is a bad scene- lives are at stake- been there-- but if he leaves for the bogus trip your emotional state will be far worse than a NOW chat. If you can have someone else there as a mediator/calmer maybe you can crawl through this to the truth- after my WH broke the NC rules I took control and made my own boundaries for MY sanity etc... WH did NOT like that I told/involved anyone else that dreadful day but I was going to lose my mind and that is something ELSE he brought on himself- by that point I knew- there was a distinct possibility that he would be LEAVING for good and there was NO WAY I could handle it alone. get someone you love and trust who mutually loves and trusts you to be by your side.....or at least to be in the next room! God will provide......keep the faith.

Thanks for the support Ruth.

I am putting my health (more importantly my baby's health) first priorty. I am much better off now than I was in the past. I do feel stronger, and know that this is just something that has to happen. I don't want to walk about for the next 2 months feeling disgust and contempt for H. I will let you know what happens.

First...go talk to your doctor! Tell him/her exactly what is going on in your life. Explain the stress...he/she will already know about your medical issues and will be able to give you a lot better feedback on what you should do in regards to your's and soon-to-be babe's health!

I'm one of those non-avoiders of confrontations. I can't NOT confront. So, I am very careful of giving you advice in this situation. You MUST do what is best for your child and for you.

But rather you confront or not...inform your doctor!

Good Luck!

Ebah --

Haven't heard from you for a few days; hope everything's OK with you.

Give us a word or two so that we know you're still hanging in there.

You're in our thoughts...

Ammon

Ebah...adding my prayers for you!

Ammon...I'm worried too...hope she checks in soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ammon and JAW2002,

I am fine (as can be expected). I am sorry for not checking in before now, I needed some time to get my head togehter.

I confronted H and asked him about the letter I asked him who it came from becaues it didn't look very professional, ect. Of course he got on the defensive, why are you reading my letter (mind you he left it on top of the TV Stand) and went into the speech about his job. And then he was like if you don't believe me then call, I said fine.

So I told him when I called that no one there knew anything about it (even after being transferred around to 3-4 people) and that the lady who had mailed the letter didn't even work there. All he could say is "well, I don't understand..." and continued to stick with the story about this being a legitimate business trip.

Well to fast forward, of course everything was on me...I am the one that is always looking through his things, I don't trust him (I feel I have good reason not to), what if someone from him job found out and he lost his job, that he was not going to go see OW, that I am always looking for the bad in him etc. I was very upset this weekedn and feel like I should have done more or pushed things farther, but I didn't basically becaues I knew that he would not admit to anything and for some reason, I just can't put him out.

But later (Monday) he told me that he was not going on this "business" trip or any others because he doesn't want there to be more problems like this one.

So what it comes down to is I don't know how I am doing. I really wish I would have never married him, I am mourning my the the fact that I have lost the person I used to be and the life I could have had if I wasn't married to him, I don't trust him at all, I have detached myself away from him emotinally and feel like I am playing myself for a fool for not putting him out or expecting him to come clean with me. I don't really like him anymore and I cannot understand how someone can say they love you and put you through the turmoil that H has put me through over the past year. I feel like everytime I don't push the envelope with him that I am rewarding him for his bad behavior and what he is learning from me is that, 'she is not going to do anything.'

But even thought all that I am trying to keep it together for the baby (and for me). I know that things in the dark eventually come to light, I just hope that I don't have to be in the dark for years and years. I just feel like a fool.

Well...you're NOT a fool...and if your H thought he could play you for one...he's WRONG! I LOVED his excuses, his "facts" falling flat on their faces, and his admitting defeat, if only to himself. He BACKED DOWN! GOOD FOR YOU! HE'S NOT GOING!

Got to wonder what excuse he told OW for his change in plans??? Bet she ain't too happy either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you gone to your doctor yet? Please, do this. Be honest with him/her and let them know what stress you are under.

Be sure and inform your H that he is completely, totally, and for the foreseeable future....CORRECT...you do NOT trust him, you will NOT trust him. He put himself in this position...you didn't. If he doesn't like being in this position...he is the ONLY one who can change it. He can do this by being HONEST...ending his affair, which has NOT ended, and going into a plan of NC...and re-committing to the marriage.

Otherwise...NOTHING at this time is going to change. You're waiting for your babe to be born healthy and until that happens...YOU are not making any other decision. After the baby is born...you may well make a decision which he won't like!!!! Now is the time where he has a chance to have impact on what that decision will be...later he may not. jmho

Glad you're doing good. Take care of yourself and babe...that is what is important NOW. "Tomorrow" is time enough to deal with the future.

JAW2002,

Thanks for your support. I know that H is not going to play me for a fool, but still it doesn't make me feel any better about what I am having to go through.

Believe me...I have had the trust conversation with H before and I have told them specific reasons why I don't trust him...I am at the point now where I know that I cannot control what he does, and he is going to do what he wants to do regardless, so I should not stress myself over it. I have said that to myself before, but I think this is the first time I have actually believed it and lived it. I just pray that one day he can either get his act together or I can get the strength and courage to leave him.

FYI..I have a Drs appt. tomorrow morning. Even though I am going through what I am going through, I am making my baby's health #1 priority, so I am eating (even when I don't feel like it), getting enough rest, and finding outlest for stress like walking, going to the book store or something like that) We are going to be fine, thank you!

I really hope someone out there read this. I think I am losing my mind. Every since this past incident, I cannot stand to be around my H and have become detached emotionally and indiffernt to him. Well it is starting to take its toll and of course H notices, but just says I don't know how to deal with your attitudes so I don't. I want to reply "well I don't know how to deal with a broken heart" So I keep all of these emotions in not really knowing how to deal with them or how to tell him about them. Past experiences with H has taught me that it is better to keep them in than to say anything. I just don't feel like being the bad guy or the one who is always looking for something wrong in our relationship (as he likes to put it). But how can I be looking for something wrong when it is right there in front of my face?

Anyway, I want to love H again, but I just cannot tap into those emotions for him or express an affection for him and when he tries be be affectionate I just don't respond, which in turn makes him mad. But after this last incident (when couples with the others) I have a hard time reciprocating those feelings.

Now I am know I need to do better with that and try to swallow what is going on because I am going to drive him to either keep doing the dirt he is doing or push him away completely. Which I don't want to do. I don't know if it is my pride which wont allow me to try more or fear. And to make matters worse, he told me this morning that he doesn't see this marriage making it.

I know I have not been the perfect wife, but do I have to be a doormat in order to make my marriage work?

Ebah --

Hang in there! You are NOT losing your mind! This is just a very quick reply to you so that you know that someone is out there and in touch with you.

Gotta run for now, but I'll post more to you in a couple of hours. Stay steady! You CAN do this...

Ammon

Ebah --

"do I have to be a doormat in order to make my marriage work?" -- You know the answer to that already: of course not.

You are exactly where you need to be, not ahead and not behind in the process. You are feeling guilty about not being somewhere else, somewhere other than where you are. The emotions for your H are still there, still a very big part of you, but they are buried underneath this smothering cloud of distrust...for now. Give yourself some room here. H would like to have you in a different place but it's because of him that you're not. It's HIS FAULT!

You're not some sort of performing seal, ready to toot the horns at the trainer's signal. You have been severely injured and you're not giving yourself time to recover. Emotional detachment and indifference are normal, common, and actually healthy self-protective devices.

You're worried that your indifference will drive him away or send him back to the OW, but the issue here is you. You have to be true to yourself first. Since you can't control H, he's going to do what he's going to do no matter what. But you can control you and you cannot pretend for the "good of the cause" if that's not where you are.

If your H "doesn't see" your marriage making it, it's his doing and that responsibility is upon his shoulders. Not a nice threat from him, btw.

When you are ready to be emotionally involved--when you have taken some more steps up the recover ladder--you will become more involved; it's that simple. You're not ready yet. I don't see how you could possibly be anywhere else with this.

Know that you're doing the right things here. Be confident that your feelings will return in their own time. But H's has got to HELP you heal; doesn't sound like he's anywhere near there.

Hang in and keep us in the loop. We're here for you...

Ammon