Hello I am new to these forums I started posting on another acouple of days ago and trying to get any advice I can. I cheated on my wife and got caught. I may be confusing but I have a lot on my mind. I have been married for 3 yrs. and we dated for 3yrs. I have 3 stepchildren 1boy 12, 1boy 10, 1girl7, and a daughter we had together who just turned 1 and my wife is pregnant with #5. The affairs were with 2 women 1 For 2years on and off the other was brief. Both were with coworkers. I believe the the girl in the brief affair is the one that sent the letter to my wife for what reason i don't know why. When the letter first came home my wife was on her way to take my daughter to the doctor when she checked the mail the letter was in there she came back in asked me about it I denied it and she sais I had alot of explaining to do when I got back. When she left i freaked out packed my stuff like a coward and left. I have broken contact with both women and have no intention of speaking to them again. I did not love these women and don't really know why I did these things. Our marriage now that I look back was not that bad we did have problems mostly ones that I created. I was always scared to tell her how I felt about things out of fear of rejection. A couple of months after the first affair started my wife had surgery to have her tubes untied so we could have a child of our own I know I should not let her go through with this with the things I was doing at the time. I guess at the time I hoped it would ease tensions between us. But stupid me let her go through with it anyway. We did wind up having a beutiful little girl and when I say little I mean 3lbs. 1oz. she came to us 2 1/2 months early. Lucky for us she is very healthy and spoiled rotten. It was real tough coming in to a marriage with 3 children. I am 33 years old and never married before. I try to think of how I could do these things and and still love my wife. At the time I was too scared to talk to her about how I felt about things afraid i guess she would not love me or want to leave me because of our problems. D-day was 12/5 and I know it is still early and I really don't know what she is thinking right now. I do love my wife heartand soul and wish we were not here. I am still working at the same job but i did move to another shift so I would not have to work with ow. I plan on staying at this job til new baby comes in August for the insurance. Any suggestions on that one? I have started going back to church to try and change myself. And have been doing a lot better. I met with my wifes pastor last week and he suggested coming to her church. I am scared of what people are going to say about me coming there. I did not start back to church just to win my wife back I started because no matter what I don' want to live like that again. My wife says that there is no way I could love her and do these things. But i do love her and want to repair my marriage not for the kids but for us. I wrote her a letter the other day to tell her I was sorry and that I loved her also wrote one to my in-laws apologizing to them for my actions. I am trying not to call her because I know she is hurt and doesn't know what she wants to do. I just know that I lost the best person in my life and do not have a clue as to how to earn her trust or love again

You are not a bad person! What you did was bad, but that does not make you a bad person. Yeah, I'll get some flack on this, but I think you are hurting very badly and are very confused. My thoughts:

1. If you want to save the marriage, then fight for it. Call her, show your genuine remorse and your genuine desire to change you evil ways and never go back to them.
2. You say you started back to church. Great, but remember, church is not the answer, God is. Get with your pastor, tell him everything and ask if he will help you to restore your marriage. He should be trained to handle this. If he gives you any guilt trip or denies your forgiveness, then look for another pastor. A man of God understands God's unconditional love and will never tell you that you are not loved by God.
3. Get yourself into counseling. You have a lot of issues that need addressed. Sexual addiction, a desire to avoid confrontation, and probably more.
4. If you believe your marriage is worth saving, then get to work now, quit beating yourself up and focus on the task at hand. Restoring trust, faith and forgiveness in your wife through your actions.

God be with you on this journey, but always keep in mind, it His will and He has a plan. It will work out as He sees it in the big picture.

Below is my standard "welcome" information to all betrayed spouses, but it all pretty much applies to you as well. I will recommend a couple of additional resources for finding out "why you did this". The State of Affairs", by Mulliken has some ideas that are a little different than Harley's about the "Why?" questions. Look at the chapter about the Double-Life Man", in particular. The other thing is the Web site: Metasystems . Look at the articles that the describe the types of affairs their are. See if any describe you. Even if they don't (not all affairs can be neatly categorized, and some happen for multiple reasons), it may give you some hints. And yes, seek restoration.

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1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

You sound a lot like my cheating wife. If what you say is true about never seeing the OW again this is a good start, but you need to realize things will never ever be the same if your wife truely loved you and trusted you. I doubt if your wife will ever be the same. I can give yu some advice, when your wife feels bad she will need lots of attention and affection. Dont avoid her because you think she is in a bad mood, you put her in the bad mood and it is YOUR responsibility to make it better. I do not get the answers or attention I need from my cheating wife, dont make that mistake, its very hard on BS's, and if you knew what we go through you have never even thought of another woman. Just because you think your affair is over, it's not for your wife. Even if you think what you have done wasnt that bad, it is to her. The affair will live in her mind forever.

"I did not love these women and don't really know why I did these things."

Do you love yourself? I think the reason you did these things is your lack of self-love and self-respect.

You'll need to develop a better answer as to why you did this. "I don't know", is not acceptable.

Keep thinking and keep writing .... you will find peace with this , but it is a long journey.

Pep

to Fraz I might have used the wrong words about going back to church. Initially I probably did go back for the wrong reasons but have seen why I must stay in order for me to change my ways I do have to learn to live a christian life I know God has forgiven me and yet I have a lifetime to go with my spiritual journey. I read the bibile and pray very often. A lot of what I have read so far seems like a biography on my life. I turned my back on God many years ago and blamed him for a lot of misfortunes in my life. Now I know it was me not him. As for counseling I went to one counselor and poured out my heart to him and he did not give me much advice at all. I desperately want counseling but really cannot afford it. I give my wife most of my paycheck and keep out just enough for my truck note, insurance, gas and food. I am scared if I give her any less that she will think I am cheating her out of money to. So mainly I talk to the preachers at church and to people on message boards. As for the SA thing I could be wrong but I don't think I did it because I was addicted I believe the reasons were just about being wanted. But you could be right I have so many questions but no answers. To Bog I cannot imagine how it feels to be the bs Iknow how bad I hurt so I cannot fathom what she feels I try to call and talk to her but she says she needs time to get her feelings together. I wrote her a letter the other day to tell her I was sorry and that I loved her everytime I talk to her on the phone it seems like she hates me even more. I have told her everything I can think of that went on a lot I really do not remember like dates and certain details I do love her and want to fix this but I do not want call her and start a fight everytime. when we do talk she is very short with me and tells me very little about what she is thinking. I am just so confused and don't have clue as to what my next step is. Thanks alot for the input.

It doesn't sound as if you are talking to your W. You can't allow this to continue if you want to fight for your marriage. If you need a third party to help get the communication lines re-opened...then maybe her pastor might be willing to help open the door. Talk to him. Be open to beginning marriage counseling, began individual counseling even if your W is unwilling at this time to began marriage counseling.

You've got a lot of damage to repair. However, you can not repair all of it alone, but began repairing those things you can alone. Making sure that you have ended completely all affairs, starting NC with any of these women who you've been involved with is a good first step. But there are many more.

You've got to be COMPLETELY and totally honest with your W. Do NOT try to "protect" her now, as the time for protection was before you entered into these affair, that time is now past. Any attempts to hide the facts of the affairs will only return to bite you. As "new" information which comes out later will only cause more backsteps and the loss of whatever trust you might have reclaimed.

You're going to have to find the courage to face your W, face her anger, face her pain and suffering. You can not run and hide!

As for staying on this job, if that is a problem for your W, but you're concerned about insurance issues...if you change jobs and immediately sign up for their insurance plan, your W's PG will still be covered. You only need have continuing non-stop coverage by some insurance company. Just make sure that pre-existing conditions are covered. (I think this is federal law now, but am not positive...look into it. That's part of your job to do whatever it takes to make your W more secure!)

Understand your W is in pain. She's questioning everything that has happened in your marriage. She is suffering. She will lash out! She will curl up on the floor of the bathroom crying. She will not know what she needs or wants or where she is going. She will be confused.

She has the added burden of being PG, which in itself is a time when our emotions are not the steadiest...and now her emotional stabilty will be NON-exsistent. She'll jump from one emotion to another in the blink of an eye. (ie..crying to raging)...this is NORMAL! even without being PG.

Get yourself back into your home with your W as soon as you can do so. Do not force your presence, but ask, beg...whatever. It is much harder to work on your marriage, show her your love, be there for her and your children if you are not in the same house. It's harder to PROVE to her that the affairs are dead. It's harder to show her that you can and will change. Not that you can't do these things, but distance does not help your case.

You've got to be there...willing to accept all blame for your choices. Willing to support her even if she is pushing every one of your buttons! This is HER time of need...NOT yours.

Good Luck!