I've recently found out that my fiance had a 2 1/2 yr. relationship with a married man (while she was single). This was before she and I had ever met, but it is something she kept from me. I had asked her what her relationship with the man was, and she said strictly business. At a later date we were having drinks and I found out from a friend of hers that she was actually in an affair with the married man. I confronted her about this and she said that the friend must have been confused and that they had only been friends and business partners. At another point I saw an e-mail from the man that was clearly more than friendship. He was saying how he still thinks of her more often than she can imagine and asking if she was happy. Obviously wanting to rekindle something. I confronted her with the knowledge of this e-mail and she finally confessed and admitted to a relationship with the married man. Her reasoning for keeping it from me was that she was protecting him and did not want to destroy his marriage and family life (he has a child). She also said that he is a prominent man in his business circles and this kind of thing could ruin him. She still needs to maintain a business relationship with the man because he was her boss and is a reference for future jobs. Her response to the e-mail from him, was to offer to have lunch with him and discuss things, she says to smooth things over so as not to have any hard feelings. She has attempted to make it clear to me that she wants nothing to do with the man other than keeping him as a job reference.

I have a hard time with her lying to me about the relationship and keeping it from me. I also have a hard time with the fact she needs to maintain some type of contact/friendship with the man for future job references. I also take issue with her offering to have lunch with him and wanting to keep things smoothed over. It seems that there is no closure and he may continue to try to start things back up. There is also the morality issue of having an affair with a married man.

Does anyone here have any advice/insight? Any help appreciated.

Thanks.

I would have alot concern about marrying this person especially if they have not grown and learned from their experiences.

She should not continue contact with this man. She doesn't need to have lunch with him in order to maintain good references. If she was a good worker, he should give her a good reference. Why should he be vindictive against her (give her a bad reference) when she could expose their affair to the public? Any need for references can be dealt with in a professional manner via e-mail.

Note that she valued "protecting him" more than being honest with you. Tells me it's not all over completely. There are some residual feelings.

The fact that she lied and concealed the relationship from you is also very bad. You are thinking of marrying someone who does not demonstrate honesty.

Does she show any awareness that the affair was wrong? That she was sleeping with another woman's husband? That the betrayed wife is a decent human being who doesn't deserve this kind of treatment? That she would not want you once her husband to cheat on her, why should she be complicit in betraying another wife? (DO unto others...)

You need to do alot of talking and alot of thinking before you marry this woman. Examine things very carefully or you could be in for alot of heartbreak.

Good Luck.

Hi,

Glad you are looking for answers before you take the plunge. MY WH had an affair with a married woman while in the service, about 2 years before we were married. After some thought and struggles, I put it down to sowing his oats, but I wonder sometimes if I should have listened to my impulses a little longer. He still has pictures of her in an album. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Here it is in a nutshell: if someone doesn't respect another person's marriage vows, they may not take their own very seriously, either.

I must ask if your intended has repented of the past relationship? Does she acknowledge it was selfish and wrong? Or does she think fondly of it?(She may not have told you about it initially because she feared your condemnation.) These are important questions. My WH only says XOW was a psycho, not that he has regrets or that what he did was wrong (apparently they did not attempt to hide the relationship, even from her small children who would walk up and call him "Daddy").

I think it's importatnt to find some answers. If your intended feels she did nothing wrong, I would think long and hard about spending the rest of my life with her, IMHO. A's are so very destructive and painful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I will pray for wisdom and guidance for you during this difficult time.

Take care and let us know how things turn out.

While I don't know that her having been involved in an affair at one time in her life would be a dealbreaker, it does need to be careful examined.

What was her age during this time? Was she young and swept up in the excitement and awe of being involved with a man in a position of power over her, ie...boss? What are her feelings now about her past choices?

I too can understand why she might lie to you about the extent of her involvement with this man...I wouldn't be advertising it either if I'd done something like this. But, I pull back from her reasoning. She didn't NOT tell you because of her shame of what she was once involved in, but she says the reasons are to protect him. This I find unreasonable. She wasn't honest because she didn't want you to think less of her...but because he's in a position of prominence? This too is a red flag for me.

Now, my question to HER is why she felt the need to meet with him for lunch when he emailed her to ask if she was happy? Wouldn't have a reply of "yes, very, I am engaged to be married" have been a better reply? He didn't ask her to lunch...did he??? She asked him!

Her professional reference should not be based on her having lunch or not having lunch, but on her professional capablities she used in her last job. Is she currently looking for new employment? Is she employed already? What is her need for such references at this point and time?

Regardless...IF she wishes to marry you, if you need her to keep only a professional point of contact as for references with this man...tell her! She can list him, if she so chooses...but she does NOT have to have any personal contact with him whatsoever!

The honesty issues is of extreme importance. If she feels comfortable with telling you lies...you've got a major issue to resolve before you continue with your plans to marry.

I too would be worried about where this man's head is at...sounds like he is trolling the waters and hoping to get a bite...and she nibbling!!! jmho

My husband had affairs before we were married also. He continued to do so after we were married. I would suggest really giving this one a lot of consideration. It depends on how she handles herself from this point on. Is she willing to cut off all contact? Is she willing to prove her trust to you?

I would say that at the very least, postpone the wedding until you have gone through some therapy.

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: Justfor2day ]</small>

Just wanted to let you know that you are getting great advice! I would echo their advice and add that you should not only put off the wedding for a little while but also go to a marital counselor.

Give this lots of thought! I will be praying for you.
STTSI

My wife had an affair when she was single w/ a man who was in the process of getting divorced. I never worried about it. I should have.

TP
I'm glad you found this site before getting married and that you are concerned about her behaviour.
I would sit down with your fiance and discuss some of the precepts of this web site: total honesty, mutual agreement, meeting EN's, etc. You can set them as what you would like to see in your marriage as the "ground rules." If my W and I had had them either our situation wouldn't have developed or her EA would have definitely caused a D bc then it would have been premeditated.
As far as the contact with the former lover, explain to the fiance how you feel. You need to be able to trust her and the lie regardless of the reason has damaged the trust. (btw funny how his needs for secrecy came above yours for honesty)
DO NOT let her convince you,"you're being silly or jealous over nothing."
Good luck! Let us all know how the "talk" goes

Thank you all for the good advice and for letting me know I'm not just over-reacting or being unreasonable in my concerns. We actually had a talk about this last night and things did not go so well. At this point she is saying she is sorry and feels that lying was wrong and that the relationship was inappropriate. I still can't help but think the lie would still be going on if I hadn't seen the e-mail. This is hurtful and I feel that I was played for a fool. Also, it's not clear to me that she feels the affair was wrong, but she has said it was a mistake. I'm not sure if this is from a morality point of view or from a business standpoint. She has also said that the man had implied that his wife was having an affair on him. I don't think that was brought up to justify her actions, but it was brought up. Is that supposed to make it ok for him to have an affair? More talking and thinking to be done. Thank you all again. More feedback/advice is welcome.

TP- just because his W had an A does not make it OK for him to! Two wrongs DO NOT make a right!

You are probably right that she nay never have come clean about the A if it wasn't for the emails. Before you wondered about the A did you talk to her about your feelings about honesty and infidelity?

In the book "Geting the love you want" by Harville Hendricks one of the excerises is to imaging your M in five years. You and your spouse are to individually write down what it is you want your M to be like. You are to write it in the present tense. Like "We are sexually faithful and are wonderful lovers" not "We will not cheat on eachother." You are only to use positive statements. After 10 minutes of making the list you are to compare and combine the lists. Then take this compiled list and rank them 1-5 on importance to you, and have your wife do the same. Then compare that list and see where you are at. It is good way to see if you are on the same page as her.

Just make sure when you are talking to her to always validate her comments and feelings. You do not have to agree with them but always validate and understand where she is comming from. It will make the conversation go much better.

Postpone the wedding and see a counselor!
STTSI

If you have to ask, then I feel you just might know the answer. Let your head and heart be totally balanced about this woman, and I bet you will make the right choice. When you have that balance then words that come out of your mouth are the true. JMHO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, she did not need to lie to you, why lie to you? Maybe she had seen him while with you. Why other reason would she lie? Maybe she didnt want you to know she was such a immoral person.

I would be extreemly careful about considering marrying a woman who would lie to you and was the OW in an affair. Actually i wouldnt consider it, no way never ever. She can sleep with married men while he was sleeping with his wife? and purposly destroy lives. Do you want to make a life long commitment to sombody who can sleep with married men and explain that is was inappropriate? If you married her and she cheated on you, would "inappropriate" satisfy you as an explanation?

I married a woman like that and it's not fun to be betrayed. It will bring your world down.

I certainly agree with everyone else. There are hugh red flags that must not be ignored. You are engaged to a woman who felt it was acceptable to lie to your face about her relationship with the married man. If it was easy to lie to you while you are engaged; how hard will it be for her to lie to you after you are married? She decided to protect him over trusting you. She would have rekindled the friendship over lunch and only stopped lying to you when you caught her. She does not feel that it was morally corrupt to be in a long-term affair with a married man and continued in the emotional destruction of his wife.
My friend the woman you wish to marry has a broken moral compass. She has already started the process of lying to you while you are engaged to her and only stopped because you caught her. Do you wish to spend years in a marriage wondering and trying to catch her in lies? You have seen what your future will bring.
You are walking into a possible marriage where you question her honesty and morals at the same time she found it quite easy to lie to your face.
You will be making a hugh error if you marry her and I think down deep you know this. You need to marry someone whose character and morals you respect and someone who will be honest to your in a marriage. Does this woman fit these characteristics?

You have a wonderful opporunity here. I wish me and my wife had sought pre-marriage counseling, individually and together. Get everything out on the table now, you have everything to gain. If anything, you will learn something about yourself.

Without even reading beyond your subject line (Need advice...should I marry this woman?), I'd say you must have serious doubts or you wouldn't be asking people on a public internet forum for input.

Now, after having read your entire post, I'd say your doubts are justified. Her dishonesty and seeming desire to continue contact, even beyond just business are both big red flags to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have a hard time with her lying to me about the relationship and keeping it from me. I also have a hard time with the fact she needs to maintain some type of contact/friendship with the man for future job references. I also take issue with her offering to have lunch with him and wanting to keep things smoothed over. It seems that there is no closure and he may continue to try to start things back up. There is also the morality issue of having an affair with a married man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd say all of these things are valid concerns. I'd say hold off on marriage, at least until you discuss all of these things directly with her, and she puts your fears to rest.

JB

28 years ago I met a young woman who had, had an affair with two different married men (at different times). She really, wanted to change her life style, when I met her, and she did. She told me all of the gruesome details and at the same time ceased all contact with these men. Nothing was spared except informing the respective spouses (I feel extremely bad about that). We have had 28 years of bliss and I wouldn't change a thing. I had been single when I met my bride and we knew instantly, that we were "right" for each other. It was difficult because of the "history" but if you both go into the relationship with the committment that you are going to get through it, you will make it. But, it takes both of you to make the committment, and it's not 50/50 it's 100/100, anything less and it is doomed to failure. I look back on our past and there were times when the "history" part of our relationship would tear my heart out but we got over it. It has been a lifetime of trust, love, and sharing of life's experience that would be hard to break, we work at it everyday.

This lady that you are seeing has to see it as something that is in the past and HAS to be left behind, because it is a cancer to any relationship if it is not cut out completely.

In my case we (my wife) did no contact and moved 1000 miles away. The only regret I have is that we didn't inform the spouses of these men so that they could work out their own problems. Some men/women are real predators when it comes to women/men in the workplace and they need to be stopped immediately when discovered.

God Bless!