Talked to my wife tonight again told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. Am trying very hard to fight for us but she said fixing us was the least of her concerns right now. She said she is trying to concentrate on staying healthy for the baby which I totally unserstand her point on that. She said can't I wait for at least 9 months till the baby is born before we try to fix us. She said I was being selfish. Am I being selfish I do love my children but cannot think about them I try to just focus on them but I can not stop thinking about my wife. I spend about an hour a week with my daughter under my wifes supervision at her house. when I am with my daughter I really enjoy that time but I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about my wife the whole time I am there. Am I really being selfish do I just sit back for 9 months and just hope everything is going to be ok. I told her I didn't think I should come over for a while because I cannot focus on my daughter when she is sitting 10 ft away from me with a look on her face like should just can't stand the sight of me. She said what am I supposed to tell your daughter. I said tell her that I am a coward. I keep screwing everything up and just have lost all focus. I have good days and everytime I try to talk to her about fixing us she is just cold as ice. Do I wait 9 months or just start focusing on becoming a good dad and try to move on.

OK...you're going to have to back off right now. BUT...you MUST continue to see your daughter!!! DO NOT BACK OFF FROM YOUR DAUGHTER!!! or your step children.

How far along is your W in her PG? From her asking for nine months, I must assume not very far.

You should continue by your actions to be supportive of your W and your family. If she needs this time to decide what she wants to do...you're going to have to give it to her...as this is her decision.

This doesn't mean that you withdraw into a little shell and not stick your head out. You become your W's friend, you LISTEN to her, you validate her feelings, they are hers and she has a right to feel however it is she is feeling.

You stay interested in your step-children, do NOT forget them. You stay interested in the course of your W's PG. ie..what's the doctor saying, how's the baby doing, how is she doing, try to let her know that you want to be as involved in this PG as possible without making her feel too uncomfortable. (This is your child, too.) You need to stay informed and up to date about doctor appts, sonograms, etc. BE INTERESTED in her well being and the babes, plus the other children.

Don't push the relationship talk if she isn't ready. Let her began to discuss your marriage, the issues which need addressing...when she is ready. Until then, keep thinks light. But, always be honest!

Read up on PLAN A. This is normally often used by the BS not the WS, but it works the other way too. It's a plan for you to focus on what you can improve about yourself, keeps your focus on what is still positive in the relationship and you're trying to show your spouse just how much you care for and love her and your children.

The thing about plan A is that no matter what happens, you resolve some issues that are solely about you. You become a better person, thereby becoming a better partner. No matter what happens with this relationship/marriage, you will bring this better partner to whatever relationship you have in the future.

Definitely focus on being a good father, not only to the child you have, but to the one you will have, and to your step children.

This in no way means you are giving up on the marriage...that only happens when you do give up. And that is your choice.

Have you starting seeking counseling? If not...do so! NEXT WEEK!

went over today to get my stuff out of old house(wife has since moved long story) while I was there I got a page from my oldest stepson telling me mom locked keys in the truck on my way to help her I got a apge again but it was too late she had already called pop-a-lock I unlocked the door for her and gave her my key in case it happened again this is second time since d-day. It cost her $30 I didn't have the money to pay for it but next time I will be better prepared. Went and saw kids today for about an hour did not have enoughmoney to by her flowers will make sure I do next time. My 2 stepsons are fixing to start playing baseball soon I asked her if I could take them out next weekend to work on their skills(I used to coach) she said that we would have to see about that before I left I asked her if I could help her do anything she said no. I am applying for a new job this week hopefully insurance will transfer if i get an offer. And hopefully it will be all men working there(nothing sexist meant by that) just want to show her she can trust me and that I want to do better. Have a question I am living with my dad right now rent free about 40-50 miles away from her and the kids. This house is not suitable for children my dad smokes like a chimney in here. I want to move close to her and the kids in case anything happens and just to be closer. Woul that be wrong because ti would mean less money that I give her?

I can't answer your question about moving or not. Too much I just don't know. I do know that you stated you're giving your W as much of your income as possible...can she afford the lesser amount if you have to include extra living expenses for yourself? Since she's living with her parents, your living with your dad, I would assume that both of the living expenses are less...but then you've got the expense of children and a new babe on the way...so I hate to offer any advice either way.

This is something you really do need to sit down with a pen and paper and see how it will work best for everyone. But if this situation continues then you do need someplace which is suitable for your children to visit.

I hope she lets you take the boys out for practice, if not...keep gently offering. Right now that's all you can do is be willing.

Good Luck!

called a few counselors today the search got cut short my dad did not pay his light bill. Am going to try again tommorrow all the ones I talked to today were to expensive. Even the ones that use a sliding scale were to expensive becuase they go off of my salary not what I am living on Am considering working 2 jobs to ease the financial situation but am afraid that with the extra work it will make rebuilding a lot tougher. My daughter is going to have tubes put in her ears next week. I am going to be there but I don't know what role I will play. Mother in-law will be there to I paln on sitting across the room to avoid any unnecessary conflict. Just hope my baby will be alright.

The tubes in the ears is a fairly easy surgery and one that so many of our children today need...it can make a world of difference.

If you're a church goer...try your local church and see what type of counseling they can offer. Since you have insurance...most (if not all) insurance companies cover counseling after the deductable is met...so the cost should be fairly low after a visit or two. Also, many jobs have counseling which is completely private and can NOT effect your position with the company....check this out.

Good luck!

I did make an appointment with a counselor for tommorrow. I know that getting tubes in her ears is minor but I get upset when my baby hurts I can handle it when the older kids get hurt because usually it is minow and I can get their minds off of what hurts them. The first time my daughter got a shot while I was in the room I almost cried I felt so helpless. I want to be strong for her and just hope I can keep it together when she has surgery I don't want to cause a seen but also want to be there for my daughter. Just don't know what to do while I am there.

Take a book and read! Get some coffee! Pray for your daughter and the skill of the doctor. It's not a long surgery.

You'll be amazed at the lessening of her colds, ear aches/infections. Three of my grandchildren have had this done. Usually after a few years the tubes fall out, without any pain, and most of the time there is no need for a replacement. One of my sweet grandson didn't get his done soon enough and he lost 10% of his hearing...so sooner is better then later if the child is prone to infections.

Congrats on your counseling appt. Interview the counselor some, find out what type of treatment plan he/she likes to normally follow. Be sure to impress on him/her that you're wanting to do a lot of self-discovery and that you want to do what is necessary to hopefully save your marriage...that these are your main goals. IF...you do NOT feel comfortable...keep searching for a counselor you can connect to.

Most first sessions are mainly background information...If possible write up a short list of your background...go back to childhood...up to today. The more you can give them up front about background, the less time is used in discovery of this face to face. They want to know your family sturcture you grew up in, the relationships you've had in the past and the success or failures of same. Be HONEST and open. You get exactly what you put into counseling...so put your all !!!

Good Luck!

I screwed up again I wrote 2 letters to her in the past 2 weeks both of them short and both of them said how sorry I was and how much that I did love her. Boy was that a mistake. I got a phone call tonight from her demanding that I stop sending her letters and to quit telling her I was sorry and don't tell her that I love her. I sent the first letter because her pastor reccomended that I do that and the other to just try and convey anything to her about my feelings for her. I was so mad and hurt at the same time. I told her fine The only things I would talk to her about was my daughter or how much money I deposited and hung up onher. I really did not want to hang up and I was trying to get off of the phone because I was at work but she just kept pushing my buttons. I do not want to give up but I just really do not have a clue as to what to do. Part of me wants to give up and move on with my life and concentrate on being a daddy. I know I caused all of this and deserve everything I get. But she is starting to accuse me of so many things that I feel like I should be on death row. I know I am wrong but how do you stand up when you don't have a leg to stand on.

I posted on general a request for some of the other past WH's to reply to you. I really think it might be helpful if you got a man's POV on what's happened and some stories of what worked for them in your type of situation. Hopefully, tomorrow when the board gets more action, you'll get some new ideas.

Other then that...you've got to read up on Plan A and stop pushing her for a reaction. She's not ready. jmho Hanging up on her was...as you know...a big "no-no"...do your best to at least sound calm and end any other work phone call by saying that you are unable to discuss this now, you are more then willing to discuss this when you see her or when you are home.

As wives...we do know how to push our H's buttons...but you are the only one who can control your reaction to her actions. Getting angry won't help your case, even if justified. Likely you were more hurt then angry, but being a man...you released your pain in an angry outburst...pretty normal for the majority of men. jmho (men don't beat me up for that! PLEASE! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )

How did the counseling go? How is your daughter after her ear surgery? Did things go well for you in the waiting room?

Just mainly need you to check in and tell us how you are!

I posted a reply under the other thread last night. Things are getting worse outside of my marriage. I did not go to counseling yesterday because of money. I know that sounds like a copout but with my job in jeoperdy now I need to save evry dime I can. Daughter is having surgery next friday I am starting not to worry about that so much because I know she will be alright. Just trying to stay employed right now.

I too am going through counseling to try to reconcile my marriage from my poor behavior. I don't know what to tell you except sometimes time helps. My wife and I have been about 4 1/2 weeks since my stupid indescretion. She posts here... although under a different forum... and it does help her. At first she couldn't even LOOK at me. Know how that feels? You prob do. Then after a while she would talk to me. Took about 10 days. Then... like yesterday we had a great day... lots of fun... movie all that. THEN today she hates me again. I don't know your wife, she may be one of those who never can get over it. If that's the case then that's how it is... you made your choice and you have to live with it. I pray you don't. One thing I can tell you is that you can NEVER, EVER, EVER, appologize enough for what you did. I kick myself everyday. Lost 14 pounds in a week. I think everyday that there are billions and billions of human beings on this planet and my wife chose ME out of ALLLLLLLL those people to spend her entire life with. That's an awsome responsibility. Imagine the trust your wife must have had in you to make that commitment. The faith. In my case there was no actual sex invoved but some kissing and stuff. Maybe that's a difference. I don't know. But I can tell you this... if given the opportunity... I'm going to make sure she knows that she is loved completely. You do the same if you can. Take care, and good luck.

Thanks missingmuch for your insight so much of what you said is how I feel. My wife actually did pick me. We met at a night club 6 yrs. ago and talked for like 4 or 5 ours staight that was the first time I have been able to carry a genuine conversation with a woman. I knew that night that I loved her and that she was the one. Yeah she had 3 kids but so what is the way I felt. We had our ups and downs while dating for 3 yrs but nothing major. Our biggest problem when we got married was that I had been single for 30 yrs. and never raised any kids. The kids were not the problem it just seemed like when we got married everything just went flat. I got transfered to graveyard shift 3 weeks after we got married for a month. We fought evryday about that felt like it was my fault. 3 mos. after we got married i went into the hospital for a week with menengitis. I know it is not true but I felt like it was an inconvenience to be at the hospital with me. But now that I look back I was a very terrible patient. I kept turning things like that into anger toward her and before you know it 4 mos. later the first affair started. My wife is a very strong willed and opinionated person. I would try to tell her how I felt about us but she did not seem too concerned about us. In december of that year we decided to have a baby of our own. we had her tubes untied. But did I quit screwing up of course not. My wife did wind up getting pregnant which I really was not prepared for that either. I heard all of the horror srories about pregnant women and hormones. Felt like she hated the sight of me. But stupid me continues with A's. My daughter was born 2 1/2 mos early and spent 5 1/2 weeks in the hospital. Kept getting every sign in the world to straighten my butt up but was too stupid. Found out in November wife was pregnant again. This time I got the message. I was in the mental process of straightening my act up and was going to fly right. Then the letter came in the mail. She asked me if it was true and at first I denied it. After she left to take daughter to the doctor I fraked out and left like a coward. She to ld me about a week later that if i had not left I probably would still be there. I love my wife so much but if she never took me back I would not blame her. If I was in her shoes I probably would not take me back either. But you are right out of all of the people in the world she picked me. And on top of that decided to have my children. She already had children too many by most peoples standards. But she did that for me. I had more love than I could ever imagined and I blew it because I would not open my mouth. Well i have rambled on enough for 1 night thanks for listening <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well I give up I feel like i can not do anything right. Talked to wife today she managed to make me feel like I am the most useless person ever born. I really give up everything I do she says is selfish and I don't do anything except post on these boards, work and sit by my self in my room. I opted not to go to a counselor because of money, I did not want to take food out of her mouth. I wrote an apology letter to her parents a couple of weeks ago and she got mad at me for that all i am trying to do is apologize to all of the people I affected. I give up I really appreciate the input I got from everybody it was really helpful. But when you are as bad a person as I am it just seems hopeless to continue. I give her space she rips me apart I asked to do something with the boys she rips me apart its just no use. My whole life I feel has just been one big lie. I really hope for all of you mbers that things go well for ya'll and don't make the mistakes I have if you love your spouse then stick with it and make it work I am just sorry I couldn't fix myself. Wish all fo you well. Travis <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Where are you???
I just read all your threads. Are you ok. You are not a bad person. You did some bad things. Do you see the difference>>???
Please post back and talk. I will keep checking and waiting to hear from you.........
traceys

1....what's going on now? This is NOT the path to take! I know how much you are hurting, but don't give up on yourself!!! Don't take the things that your W is saying to heart, she's talking from her pain and anger. She doesn't truly believe everything she is saying. She's lashing out at you in the misguided idea that she'll ease her own pain by causing you to hurt.

I'm not saying that she'll ever come around and want to make your marriage work, she may not. BUT...that doesn't mean that you should EVER give up on YOU! You're a valuable person, you're a good person. Yes, you've made some horrible mistakes, but that doesn't mean that you can't learn from them and make very sure you don't repeat any of them.

PLEASE...make another appt for counseling and keep it this time. This is NOT the time to be putting money first, this is the time to get the help you need. It's ok...to reach out for help.

As for W...for the next few days or even weeks...leave her alone. Don't call, don't write....only do what is necessary to see your daughter. W is making what I consider the wrong decision here (jmho), in that she isn't willing to open any lines of communication...well...you can't make her, and my opinion of it is worthless. So...back off from W.

While this time passes...work on YOU! Regardless of where the marriage is going, working on you is always a good option. Remember, no matter what happens with your W, you've got a daughter to be a dad to, a STB other child, and THEY need a dad who is emotional healthy. So please...please...get into counseling.

I am still hear just herting terribly bad. Converstion with wife yesterday really too k the wind out of me. I wrote an apology letter to her parents that live in CO and it pissed them off. I asked to take the boys out this weekend to work with them in baseball she said I was just using the kids. I am getting $6000 from my 401k this week and had planned on giving her $1500 and let her keep our income tax refund which is usually around $3500. She said she is going to file bankruptcy. The only reason I was going to keep that much was to try and get my own place and a little furniture and pay some bills. And save the rest if I lost my job and pay for insurance. She is living rent free on her grandmothers land. Her grandmother told her that she has to know every time I come out there. Last week she told me it would be 9 mos before she would even consider me moving back yesterday it moved up to a year. Right after dday she told me that her mother said to make me wait a year before thinking about it she said she did not believe in setting a timeline. Well that surely has changed. I have kept to myself stayed in my room by myself and worked that has been the hightlights of the past 2 mos. Right now even if she were to ask me back I would not go maybe I am being stupid but I don't want to live in a place that her family controls especially when they hate me. I have decided to move on and not beat myself up any more. If in a years time she decides to work on this and I still want to then we will go from there. But I am not going to sit around and wait life is too short and I have a lot of living to do. When she told me that about the boys it really crushed me. I really wanted to work with them baseball is my favorite sport and I am a good coach. I knew that would be the one thing I could do with the boys that I would not be thinking about her but now she has taken that away from me to. I helped raise those kids like they were my own. I was the one taking them to practice 5 and six days a week for four years while working 6 and 7 days a week. Their real dad would not do that for them he barely would come to any games. Their real dad is not that bad of person he is in the military and often goes overseas, so that i can understand. But every time I would ask my wife if she could take them for one night to give me a break she would just let them stay home. So I would wind up taking them any way. All the reasons why I did these things are rushing back at warp speed. I do love this woman more than life but the way she has made me feel yesterday I feel like either her parents have ended it for her or she just wants to see how long she can torture me. I used to try and help her around the house but she would chew me out because I didn't do it the way she anted. It got to the point that I felt like the only right that I could do was work and take the kids to practice. Right after we got married I wound up in the hospital with spinal menengitis for a week. after i got out I spent a week at home recovering I could not move eat or do anything. She came home one day that week and chewed me out because I had not cleaned up the house. I never could do any thing right for her. So why would I think she could change to. I am going to be a great dad to my children and will be a much better person I know that. But by the time she figures that out I am afraid it will be too late. I do love her but she has to make some changes to. I cannot live the rest of my life on pins and needles wondering if I am going to say or do the wrong thing and piss her off. I was terribly wrong with the choices I made but if I continue to let her make me feel like this I will wind up dead. I don't plan on dating till after D but I am not going to sit in my room and watch life go by. I plan on moving in the next week or two close to where she is so I can see my daughter more. I took a resume to a new plant that is opening up down here. The lady that is over HR there used to work for my company so I think I have a good chance of getting that job. It will be a small cut in pay but day shift and a better atmosphere will be worth it. I am sick of drinking straws. In case you were wondering I fix the machines that make drinking straws for most of the fast food resturaunts around the country. So next time you see a drinking straw you know it is a good possibility tthat I made it. I will continue to post here and continue to seel insight. But as far as my M is concerned I am not going to beat myself up anymore. Life is too short and I want to make the best of it that I can <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi
I am relieved to hear from you.
Spend time with your children. Work on yourself.
get some counceling. I know you said money was tight, but a church should be free.Are you a member anywhere? Do you have friends you can go with? A new job sounds wonderful! Although, I LOVE straws!! I use one with everything I drink...except coffee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Take care of yourself, OK
tra

Had a decent day today went to old house got rest of my stuff now have to get rest of stuff from her house. Went to pizza hut with sister and bil and neice had a nice time. But my sister brought up a good question. She said I was obviously unhappy for a long time why would it be different if i went back. If I go back she is going to have to make changes in herself too am I wrong? I tried to call her tonight to try and see daughter tommorrow. Left a message for her to page me never got a reply. I am hoping she got my pager number confused because I got a new one last night. my company gave us nationwide pagers to save money. Or maybe she doesn't want me to see her i don't know. i am going to visit achurch tommorrow int he same town as her but not the same one she goes to. I am not ready for that yet. Since i plan on moving otu there i figured i might as well find a church out there to. Just bored trying to express some thoughts.