1...I think you're doing the right thing for yourself and for your W at this point. She's not willing to open any communciation with you, and as long as she's stuck with that mindframe, nothing you say or do is going to make a great deal of difference. (If her family is pressuring her, you're up against a group which does make this much more difficult.)

I hope you get the job! Good Luck!

Now you do need to see a GOOD lawyer...and regardless of the cost, you need to get a legal separation agreement which spells out your rights where your children are concerned. I doubt that you'll have much on your side as far as your step-children are concerned, but you do need to make sure that your rights and your children rights are protected. (A separation does NOT have to lead to a divorce unless you choose for it to do so. No rush on that side...until you figure out what you want to do.)

I do think it is wise to make the decision to not began any other relationship until this one is settled one way or the other. That only brings in more baggage and could even effect your case dealing with your rights in regards to your children.

Please do the counseling...it will help. As tracey said, a church can be a great source for free counseling. Many offer counseling groups for couples in crisis or people dealing with divorce and the breakdown of their marriages.

Good Luck!

I talked to a lawyer a couple of weeks ago about my rights to my children. There is no legal seperation inLouisiana the only way i can get it writtrn down inpaper about the rights to my children is to file for divorce and I am not going to be the one to do that The only thing I can do is file a restraining order on her to not sell community propertywhich would cost me $1800 to retain a lawyer to do that. Until she files I have to play by her rules. I know that if I could take mt baby somewhere where we could be alone and unpressured that we couls have an enjoyable day together. But my wife will not allow that so what do you do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I try to suck it up when I am over there but the tension you can cut with a knife. My daughter is such a special little girl and really bonded with her over the last year. When she was born I did not do very well I was scared to hold her scared to do anything with her without supervision because she was s o tiny. when she was in the NICU I would visit her by myself and sing to her and just look at her and wonder how something so tiny could mean so much. We were so fortunate that nothing was wrong with her. I watched 1 baby for a couple of weeks that no one ever visited his little body was just solid black and blue and then one day he was gone. Just about every baby in there had to have some type of surgery but not mine. I felt so guilty at the time because mine wa so healthy. It got me to thinking about a girl i dated a long time ago she had an abortion with my baby and did not tell me about it till a couple of months later. Of all the people in this world who want babies why did she have to kill that one. I would have taken care of it. It just hurts sometimes when you think of these things. When my daughter came home she had to be hooked to a monitor for 6 months for precautionary measures but luckily when it went off it was false alarms. My wife asked me what I would have done if she coded while I was with ow I couldn't answer. I look back and see how lucky I was and wonder what would I have done. This was going to be my only child and I would not have been there. When my wife told me she was pregnant again I knew then all my foolishness had to stop I was going to be ther efor her even through her mood swings, But never got the chance to staighten every thing out in time. My wife has a staph infection which she got about 4 years ago from doing surgery on herself she was trying to lance a boil and got it from that which is a good probability why Abbie came early at least that is what I have been told. The problem now is that this will be her fifth child and is already high risk she has told me that if we loose this baby it will all be my fault. How would you like to have that on your shoulders. I still have the abortion haunting me after 11 or 12 years and I did not do anything wrong then. I love my daughter very much but I don't want to file for divorce just for a piece of paper to tell me I can see her. Am I wrong I don't have a clue what my next move is. Do I say the heck withit and file for divorce and put even more pressure on my wife or do I stick it out and play strictly by her rules. I think it would be cold hearted for me to file when I was the one who left and wants to come back. I just don't know. any suggestions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Get a NEW lawyer~!

Found this after putting in "Divorce Laws LA" in my search engine. It found a site which lists all/most states and their laws...clicked on LA and this is what is listed under separation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
LEGAL SEPARATION: The grounds for legal separation (separation from bed and board) in Louisiana are the same as those for divorce from a covenant marriage (with the addition of habitual drunkeness). However, a spouse may petition the court for spousal and/or child support and restitution of separate property during a marriage. This is intended to provide for those spouses who desire to live apart, but not divorce. [Louisiana Statutes Annotated; Article 9, Chapters 291 and 307].

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some lawyers will not point out what can be a messy or hard path and will instead only point out what is easiest for them, make them the most money for the least amount of work, and not really worry if it's the best thing for their client interests.

Do some leg work yourself, get informed as to what your rights are and your children rights.

Hey just checking in had a strong day today and am proud of myself. Went to anew church this morning trying to find a permanent one that i am comfortable with. This one was ok, the pastor preached a good sermon but the church as a whole iam not sure yet only time will tell. Sat by some old friends whose son i used to coach I told them a little about the situation but didn' give them specifics. I told them that most of what they here about me is true. And I told them i would not be allowed to coach anymore. they said you are still going to play with us in the parents softball tournemant which i told them we would have to see. Depends on situation and physical situation. I have a tear in my shoulder and when i heat it up i pay for it for weeks and months but sometimes it is worth the fun. They basically tols me that it didn't matter to them what i had done because they know me and my sincerity for the kids. finally got a hold of wife today and went and saw my daughter for about an hour. Abbie atarted getting tired and cranky so i decide to let her go to sleep. Of course my wife could not go with out popping off to me. She asked if i was going to cause trouble when her parents got here. I told her as long as they didn't start with me. Then she said imeant with me. I may have been ugly but after the way she has made me feel i don't care. I told her I was through discussing us and that I was moving on and left it with that. I asked her about the boys and me working with them she said that i was just using them to get at her. I told her everything i have said in here about wanting to do that. She said why all of the sudden do I want to start doing things with them I told her I was trying to change the ways I used to do things. I was the only one that made it to all of their practices and took off work to go to their games and I toldher that. she said I know you said it was a burden. The burden was that she wouldn't do it and their real daddy would not do it. I never had a problem doing things with the kids I just had a problem being the only one to do it. I did this mostly happily just about everyday year round for four years so yes it was alittle bit of a burden when i was also working 70 hrs. a week. Sorry but i had to vent a little. My bil asked me last night when did i have time to have the affairs because he knew i stayed gone all of the time. I guess when you get desperate for attention you find time i don't know. But back to my daughter she is a crackbaby(i mean that in a good way) she is walking all over the place and climbing on everything and generally just a happy baby. She did shut her fingers up in a drawer while i was there and she started to cry, but daddy was there this time and i did not get upset I am learning that babies do get hurt its part of life. But this time i was there to hold her while she cried. We laughed, played and all inall was a good visit. I did not think about wife the whole time i was with my daughter. Even when I was leaving and she was mouthing off to me it didn't get under my skin. Today was one of the strongest i have had in a couple of weeks i just hope i keep having them. I will check back in later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a stupid question how do you star a new paragraph on a computer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I know it is probably simple but i am a mechanic and don't use anything on a computer but a mouse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hit enter twice! Or use the mouse to move the cursor (small line where words began) down to where you want it to began.

Thanks for the technical info it's amazing I can fix millions of dollars worth of machinery but can't work a stupid keyboard.
Hey it does work Oh well I am off to face the day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey just a had a bad night wound up doing production work all night. Too many people out at work and who do they turn to for help? The one they are trying to get rid of, me. I really hate that, they write meup for my performance but always call me when they get in a bind. Sorry I am just venting I really do not like the company I work for.
Look at that I made a paragraph. I feel really stupid about that one. I did take typing in high school and college. Couldn't relate the enter key and return key thing, but what can you say I am a man.
Spent a lot of time thinking tonight decide to give w $3000 of the $6000 I would give her more but i really have a lot of repairs to do to my truck. I don't want her to have to suffer financially. I made the mistakes and I left. Just get so mad at things because my wife controls my destiny and she knows it. I am still mad about some of the things she said, but I probably would do the same things if I were in her shoes. I look at our pictures everyday and it hurts. It hurts that I love her so much and the reason I am here is because I was afraid to criticize her. I pushed her away and she payed for it. I read another post I don't remember who wrote it, It was about winners and losers, and it is sad that no matter what everybody loses something.
I have decided to stay here for a little while longer. Talked to my dad yesterday and he said my stepsister checked in to a half way house. I hope she is sincere this time about cleaning herself up she is 20 years old and has only a 7 or 8 grade education. So maybe that will buy me a little time in searching for a house.
I am starting to shift my focus to my children. I know the 3 aren't actually mine but I have known them for 6 years and love them like they were mine. I wish I was coaching this year my ten yr old is a natural athlete. Last year he was 15th in the league in hitting. Two years ago his all-star team won second in state. He is the one i have been coaching. I was going to coach my 12 year old when I started coaching baseball but he decided not to play. He decided to play this year and cannot wait to see him hit again. When he quit he did not carry a high batting average but he was fearless and when he did get ahit it had a lot of steam behind it. My seven year old played t-ball and well what can you say about her she looked pretty out there. Sports are definitely not her thing. But if you put her up in front of an audience with music playing she dances as good as Michael Jackson. And if you give her a microphone she will sing to anybody. I hope i am not boring ya'll but it makes me feel good when I brag about them.
Oh well I will check back in tommmorrow. Well i did get in paragraphs this time, so the saying is false, you can teach an old dog new tricks especially when you hit him in the head with a hammer.

OOps I lied I did not hit enter twice.

There now lets see if that works.

Well...your posts are going to be much easier to read!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think focusing on the children is the choice you've been left with at the moment...and it's always a good choice.

Sorry, but I do feel that if your posts are really showing what is happening, not just your POV, which is of course, what it is...then your W's family is going to be a big hurdle to overcome. And it's not you which must overcome but your W. There is little to nothing you can do to forward your cause in this area.

While it's great that she has their support, it seems that she is also getting a lot of pressure to end the marriage. Don't know if she's strong enough in her own mind to withstand. Only time will tell.

Keep trying with the kids. Being a step-parent puts you in a position where she does have all control over if they are allowed to see you or not. I personally believe that she is making the wrong choice here, but just as there is nothing you can do at this stage, I sure don't have any power.

Do whatever you must do in regards to your rights and your daughter's rights. This is number one!!!

Good Luck!

JAW thanks alot you have beeen a big help. I did talk to w tonight sha sked about money I told her I was going to give her $3000 she is getting back $1700 on income tax. She tried to push my buttons but I let it go I was not mean or cold , just didn't let her get to me. Usually she has me crying every time we talk. I am trying to let a lot of what she says roll off my back. I know that for me to get better I have to become stronger, which is something i have never been.

The only reason I said anything about the drugs is because I know this was a problem. I think if I am going to say anything bad about her that everyone should know that I am no angel by far. I just am trying to get it all out there as it comes to me. I lash out at her a lot some of it justifiable some of it is just frustration. I know I have done a lot of things wrong but some of the things I am accused of are lies. Of course there is probably more to this than I tell ya'll but it is not because I am hiding anything i usually don't think of it till I am through typing.

On a totally different subject I have a cold does any body know an old fashioned quck fix for a remedy. Abbie is having her tubes put in friday morning and I would like to get to hold her. I do not want to make her sick. I still will be there either way I would like to be able to be there when she wakes up. Oh well the nyquil is kickin in I'll check back in tha a.m.

1...sounds like you had a fairly good discussion with W, at least on your side of it...which of course is the only one you can control. You not allowing her to "push your buttons"...is GREAT!

I'm not concerned with past behavior(drug)...only present and future. While the affair behavior is of course needing to be addressed...as long as your W isn't willing, not anything you can do right now. So focusing on what you can do for yourself and your daughter is where to put the focus. (Still pushing for you to go to counesling...do you feel that hand on your back...that's ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

As for colds...lots of fluid, cold tablets...and rest...and in about 10 days...you'll be cured! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Sorry, colds are a virus...and to date, medical science hasn't found a cure for even one virus. Ask the doctor if you need to wear a mask...am sure they will give you one if they feel you should. Shouldn't be a problem at all...just tell the doc!

So that is why my back hurts you have been pushing on it all this time haha. I did talk to a friend yesterdy about what c she uses and am going to go if I can get a hold of her. Besides my truck I still need to fix myself. I am hoping this is just allergies or the weather because I didnot wake up feeling bad as I thought I would. I will chack back in later.

do not now much about what happen to you but the best thing for you and your daughter is consling . the big d-day for me was dec.2002. am a cheater for the last 9 years with 15 differant woman not sexually but emotionally the way a husband should only be with his wife.she took my kids in the middle of the night on sat. . you need to give her time and fix you first before you can exspect to fix you and w. have a long way to go to prove to mine that i have changed for the better and that she is the one and only keep in touch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Talked to W again tonight she pushed the right one. I call her and she sais it would not be a good idea for me to be there friday i got angry and hung up. Called her back a few minutes later she calmly asked me not to come for fear of outbursts. I told her I was not going to start trouble, I was going to be there for my daughter. I told her I would not open my mouth. She said she was worried that her or her parents were going to. I finally backed off and told her I would stay away. She said she would call me and let me come see her when they got home. She wasn't ugly to me she was just trying to make the best of a bad situation. Am I wrong for giving in?

JAW I made an appointment again for monday it is a pricey counselor but my friend says she is good. I asked my friend if she was pro marriage and she said she is pro health. Meaning she really helped her alot. I really appreciate all of the words of advice that you have given me. Where did you find that info on the child custody thing? I looked maybe I am not reading far enough I have the attention span of a goldfish.

If you're W request was an honest attempt to make sure there wasn't any trouble, and considering what you've said, it may well have been more because of her family then anything else...I think you did the right thing. Just be sure to stay informed. Not much to do at the hospital but wait...and it's not a long surgery. Since she's so young, it shouldn't be a big deal. (Or you could agree to wait in another area of the hospital till she is out of surgery...either way works.) But do think your agreeing is not out of line.

I didn't find anything about child custody on the state site, as wasn't looking for anything but separation law in your state. On whatever search engine you use, just type in "Divorce laws" Then click on your state. Too late tonight for me to go see if I can find anything about child custody...but...I'd tread very carefully about custody at this stage if I were you. Don't bring this up to W right now in anyway. But you do want to make sure that you see your daughter regularly. If you can't find out some information on child custody in LA, I'll look. But beware...being a WS could well impact any attempts to gain custody. Sorry, but that's true in some states. Don't know about LA.

Also, just to cover all your bases...be sure to contact her(daughters) doctor's office who is doing the surgery and find out what the doctor says and feels as to how your daughter did during and after surgery. You do NOT want to come into a court of law if things get nasty and someone say you didn't even care when daughter had her surgery. You are staying away because your W asked you to do so...not because you're "too busy". Hate to be suspicious, but better to cover yourself and not need it, then to need it and not done it.

It just worries me that her parents maybe putting so much pressure on your W. (btw...don't point this out to W...she'll need to discover this herself.)

Good Luck.

Did a little surfing today and this is part of what I uncovered as to LA laws.

LOUISIANA CHILD CUSTODY: Joint or sole custody is awarded based on the best interests of the child. The following order of preference is established: (1) to both parents; (2) to either parent (without regard to race or sex of the parents); (3) to the person or persons with whom the child has been living; or (4) to any other person that the court feels suitable and able to provide an adequate and stable environment for the child. Unless shown otherwise or unless the parents agree otherwise, joint custody is presumed to be in the best interests of the child, and will be awarded based on the following factors: (1) physical, emotional, mental, religious, and social needs of the child; (2) capability and desire of each parent to meet the child's needs; (3) preference of the child, if the child is of sufficient age and capacity; (4) the love and affection existing between the child and each parent; (5) the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment and the desirability of maintaining continuity; (6) the desire and ability of each parent to allow an open and loving frequent relationship between the child and the other parent; (7) the wishes of the parents; (8) the child's adjustment to his or her home, school, and community; (9) the mental and physical health of all individuals involved; (10) the permanence as a family unit of the existing or proposed custodial home; (11) the distance between the potential residences; (12) the moral fitness of the parents and (13) any other relevant factor. The conduct of the proposed guardian is to be considered only as it bears on his or her relationship with the child. The parents must submit a plan for joint custody which designates: (1) the child's residence, (2) the rights of access and communication between the parents and child; and (3) child support amounts. A parent not granted custody is entitled to visitation rights unless that parent has subjected the child to physical or sexual abuse. [Louisiana Civil Code Annotated, Articles 131, 132, 133, and 134 and Louisiana Case Law].

As you can see in the bold type, I uncovered that your affair (and drug use) CAN effect the outcome of who the courts see as being the best custodial parent. Sorry, but it is a factor, although not the only one.

Your unborn babe is considered the same as your daughter for purposes of custody. BUT...LA still admits to leaning heavily on the woman's side in custody issues. IF you want to try for full custody, unless you have some real proof...I doubt that it would be awarded. Joint custody is a better goal. jmho Even in just a separation, not a divorce. All these apply to both separation and divorce.

If there has been ANY physical abuse...the court will not allow the abuser any custody unless they have agree to treatment and have proof and witness to their commitment of ending the abuse.

JAW I appreciate the research I do not expect custody I guess I used the wrong word there. I am learning alot about my rights. She said initially if we did get divorced it would probably be joint custody with her being the domicary parent. Which is what I expected I think she is the better parent as far as experience goes(#5 on the way haha) she is just being ugly right now because of the situation. I know people that have done worse things than me that have very liberal visitation rights. I just get frustrated over the whole thing.

When she called last night I agreed to her request. I told my sister about it today and my sister blew up. I really want to be there I am not scared of her parents I just don't want to stir up an already ugly situation. My sister said she would lose a lot of respect for me if i did not go. To me this is not about my respect or my wife or her parents. I do not want to upset my daughter or my unborn child. I know I would not say anything but her and her mother have mouths on them and say what is on their mind at any given moment. Am I doing the right thing or is there a right thing to do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I need honest opinions am I a coward if I do not go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Please pray for my daughter I know it is minor surgery but she is still my little girl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

1...Will definitely say a pray for DD (dear daughter) tomorrow morning and for the skill of her doctors and nurses.

Ok...my opinion...If my child was going to have surgery in the morning...I'd have to go. I'm not saying that your agreeing not to go is the wrong choice, just that I don't think I could do it.

IF...you do go...don't wait in the same area as your W and her family...try to get someone to go with you to support you (Sis maybe or another friend?)...and tell the surgical staff where you will be waiting so that you will be notified as soon as DD comes out of surgery. AVOID your W and her family at all costs...walk away, don't get into a confrontation no matter what they say/do/how they look at you (and believe me, if you say nothing...and they start ranting...they will be the ones who collect the stares). Keep your cool, act as the father you are and keep your focus on your child.

Be sure to inform your W, by phone...not in person...that you are going to be there...don't just show up and surprise...that's not a good idea especially since you've given her the impression that you won't go.

If you do decide that avoiding the possible ugly confrontation is your wisest course and choose to not go to the hospital, be sure to contact the doctor's office for updates. You can even call the surgerical staff for updates at the hospital. Keep informed.

As for joint custody...think you'll have no problem getting this done in a separation or a divorce. Just try to keep your focus on what is best for your children...hopefully you're W will also.

I've got my fingers crossed that W comes out of her pain enough to realize that she may still have a marriage worth saving and the two of you will find a way back to each other.

Well I opted to stay away I just hope it was the right thing to do. W did say I could visit DD when they got home I probably will not go because I still do not feel good. Hopefully Sunday I will and will try to spend a lot of time with her then. Am going to tell wife today in the nicest way I can that this will never be an option again. I cannot let her do this. Yes I did some terrible things but my DD did not and she needs all the love I can give her. If I do not feel good Sunday I am going to ask her again if I can take the boys somewhere. I am not as worried about them getting sick because I do not get as close to them physically as I do my girls. Maybe since I granted her wish she could grant one of mine. I need to do something with my 7 yr old but really don't know where to take her. I would just go over there and play barbies with her but I have no sense for fashion and probably would mess up her sense of fashion to LOL. Where do you take a 7 yr old? I have known this little girl since she was 13 mos. old and you would think I would know what to do. But outside of fixing straw machines, fishing and baseball I don't know. She isn't much on fishing or baseball and I don't think she want's to make straws. Oh well I am just thinking out loud. will check in when I get word from wife.