Well baby girl os aok I was sitting here this morning debating going up there anyway and my w paged me. They were already home and DD is doing fine.I know I probably made a big deal out of this surgery but my daughter is everything to me. I thank ya'll for the prayers it really helped. I will check in later.

Well baby girl os aok I was sitting here this morning debating going up there anyway and my w paged me. They were already home and DD is doing fine.I know I probably made a big deal out of this surgery but my daughter is everything to me. I thank ya'll for the prayers it really helped. I will check in later.

When W calls that DD is home, tell her you haven't felt real great for the last several days, could be a cold which is what you are self-medicating for, and you want her opinion if it would be best to come today or tomorrow to see DD. Never hurts to ask a woman her opinion...as we always have one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for the boys, I do think that if you keep that door open and she knows it, but don't push the issue, she'll allow you more access to them...especially as the weather warms.

As for DD, 7 years old, take her to a movie for kids and out for dinner/ice cream afterwards. Jungle Book 2 is coming out mid month, Harry Potter movies if she's into them, Kangroo Jack is playing now, but is rated PG and I don't know why so use your judgement on whatever film to see. Going to the zoo if the weather is nice, a park, take her on a shopping trip for shoes (even Barbie shoes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), hair bows, a hat, a book; nothing major unless it's something she really needs...just something which shows you're interested and a snack at the mall.

Good Luck...update on DD when you get it!

Well...we cross posted...Glad DD is doing good, she'll likely be sleeping most of the day. Told you these things didn't take long! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know I got all worked up over nothing. I tried to tell w the other night what if something happens and I am not there. And she keeps asking me what did I think was going to happen because of my actions. Well obviously I did not think at all because if I did we would not be here. I just feel like every day I fail at something else. I have been real good about staying focused on the kids and what I could do for them, but tonight at work all I could think about was her and how if she never took me back that she would be totally right. I try to look at things positively but it just seems that with all of the things I have done I don't deserve her. I really wish monday would get here so I can talk to c. I have a hard time talking with friends b/c a lot of mine did not like her. I do not want to get into wife bashing converations. I already had that happen 1 time and it wound up pushing her farther away. The whole thing just stinks. I just neede to vent my frustrations. Had another long week.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...I don't deserve her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...you're likely right, you don't deserve her. BUT...I'm willing to bet that she's done some things in your marriage where....She didn't deserve you!

We all make mistakes, big and small. It's what we do about our mistakes which show the type of person we truly are, or the type of person we are willing to work our butts off to become. jmho

Keep focusing...you're doing good.

I apologize for being such a downer in my last posts but this roller coaster and cold is killing me. You are right I did do some things for her that she didn't deserve. But anytime I try to talk about what I was feeling she just turns it around and makes me feel stupid for what I felt. She is a very controlling woman even though she will not admit it. Every time I ask her if I could go fishing or anything she would not tell me no but if I did go there would be a fight when I got home. I never asked to do much or asked to buy many things. When she wanted something I would tell her if we have the money go get it. She wanted a new computer I argued at first but wound up buying one. She had told me it was for all of us, but I never got to touch it untl she went to bed. We needed a new vehicle I told her I did not want to sell my truck to pay for it. She said she wouldn't make me do that. Well after we bought her a Suburban we figured out we couldn't sell her car so what did we sell my truck of course. When we bought the suburban she suggested buying a minivan, I told her lets get the suv so if I needed to I could pull my boat with it. Well that didn't happen either. She said she could not drive the car because it smelled like an ashtray. Well when we were dating she smoked to and smoked in the car. We decided we would not smoke in the suv. Did not matter to me because I rarely got to drive it. One day she came home and she was smoking again, and wouldn't you know she decided it was ok to smoke in the suburban without asking me. She doesn't smoke any more b/c of being pregnant but during xmas her and her friend went shopping and she let her friend smoke in there. It just seems like it is a double standard. It was ok for her to do things but not me. I do agree with her about my truck I spend a lot of time in it and I do smoke. I do not want my daughter exposed to anything unhealthy. I am going to try and quit the smoking but not right now. I think if I were to quit now I would wind up in a padded cell. I am still just venting a little bit it is just soooo frustrating. She said when every thing went down that she thought that every thing was fine in our marriage. I never saw it that way. Things weren't as bad as I thought at the time but they were not good. It just seems like I was the one that made all of the sacrifices and could not give enough. I tried to make sure that her and the kids had the best of everything but when it came to me I always felt that my needs came last.

The first year we were married I never got to sleep. I snored loud and do not deny the fact. She would punch and kick me all night long to try and get me to stop. I would try and go to the couch to sleep and she would get mad at me for that. I went to several doctors to try and fix this problem, it took a year and finally got diagnosed with sleep apnea. I was sleeoing with a CPAP machine and it cured my snoring. But then the machine was to noisy for her. I finally last July had my tonsils taken out, My nose sraightened out and the roof of my mouth reconstructed. Now I don't need the machine anymore. She stayed mad at me the whole time I was recovering because I would not eat. I did smoke during that time but it did not hurt. She said that I was stupid for that, which I don't totally disagree but it really hurt to swallow.There is more to my story about her and I will try and touch on it later. Just trying to get everything out.

I'm sure that there were many problems in the marriage on BOTH sides long before your affair. Those problems do indeed need to be addressed at some point. BUT...right now, the betrayal overshadows all other problems. Just how it works, right or wrong have nothing to do with it.

Don't keep going on over the last several years about what things she did wrong, what things you did wrong, how you could have done something better, how she could have. You're not focusing on the positives in the marriage.

Right now your goal is to stay as positive as possible while she's being as negative as she can be. (or so it seems to me) You can NOT change her outlook right now...only she can. But you can influnence her by staying positive whenever you have any contact with her.

When/if she gets ready to discuss recovery, then get the painful part of addressing affair related issues out in the open. Once this is begun, you don't have to wait until it's settled before beginning on control issues and other matters in the marriage and can began to work on those matters along with the betrayal ones.

But you can't make her be ready to try recovery, your stuck in the position you are right now. She may never be ready. BUT...most marriages do survive betrayal. So there is real hope here, that given enough time, enough positive re-enforcement, she will at some time want to see about rebuilding her marriage with you.

It sounds from your post that you have given a lot to her and your family...but it also sounds as if there was some hidden resentments held close to your heart. Communication problems most likely. jmho I'm going to bet that she also has done the exact same thing.

Keep your focus on positives as much as you can. I know...hard...but try!!!

JW you are right it is just so frustrating not knowing. I get so mad at myself sometimes. I write stupid things like that. I was at work the other night sitting in the break room and noticed a woman in a dress walking in the plant looking for someone. Come to find out it was a BS looking for OW it seems one of the guys I work with is in the same predicament as i am. You would think that my looking at my physical appearance alone would make people say hey this guy is miserable. I never smile I have lost 25 lbs and have to hold my pants up with a tie strap. I don't know, It goes on so much at work and they just don't get it.

You are right though I shouldn't be dwelling on the past like that. I try to think about the night we got back together while we were dating. Because that night all guards were down we could tell each other anything and it didn't matter. I am just trying to figure out when and why they got put back up.

Visited kids today broke a record stayed an hour and a half. DD is bad she is climbing all over evrything. She has a push car and she was standing up on it trying to climb on the table. I picked her up off of it pushed it under the table and wife popped off" why are you not letting her play with her toys" to which I replied I was just trying to make sure she did not fall and hurt herself. Wife also complained I had on too much cologne. I didn't have that much on and I was just trying not to smell like a cigerette. I was very calm the whole time didn't let her drag me into an argument. When I was leaving I gave her a $3000 check. Then she pops off am I going to pay for DD's surgery,$135. I don't have a problem with paying the money but i just gave her that check, deposited $300 in her checking account Friday and told her to keep the $1700 income tax refund. I really keep very little for myself. I told her when all of this started I would just give her the majority of my check and just keep out bare minimum for myself. Am I wrong here. I am pretty sure if we were to go to court right now that she wouldn't get half of what I give her. I give here twice as much as her ex-husband pays for three kids. Am I wrong? I know I should go ahead and get a lawyer but I am not ready to go that route.

Anyway DD like I said is just bad. Spoiled to the core. I tried to play with the other kids a little while I was there. I got the 12 yr old in trouble for throwing things, my fault but we were trying to have a little fun. Most of the time I was there the kids were wrapped up in a movie. I did make it for an hour and a half today trying to work my way up. Just hard to do when wife is trying to pick you apart while you are visiting.

Just wanted to add that I was very civil the whole time. As i was leaving was when she popped off about the money. I told her to call me later so we could argue about it over the phone, she said she has no desire to call me. So I said then don't call me and left. I was calm and did not raise my voice I may have been a little cocky but I did not let her rile me up. On the inside I was ready to explode but I contained myself.

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 09:13 PM: Message edited by: 1badhusband ]</small>

1...Well...You're doing good, can't say as much for your W, but I do know the pain she is going through.

Sorry, but I tend to think she's pushing the money thing. Yes, she has a lot of expenses with the kids and with the PG, but you do seem to be trying to do as much as possible.

I really think you need a lawyers advice...I know you're not really ready for that step, but it doesn't hurt to be informed, either.

Also...How about taking your posting to "general questions II"...you'll most likely get a lot more feedback on that forum then any other. Not too many come to "just found out"....and I really think you could use other's POV besides mine!

If you do...just refer everyone to "JFO" if they want to know more of your situation as posted...I think you could really use the added support of some of the men who post, both those who have been in your W situation and those who have been in yours.

Good Luck! btw...not trying to run you off this board...I'll still be here...and on general questions, too!

just for your info. In my state you can "set presedent" that is to say... you MAY be paying her more than you are required to. So she COULD be able to say, that since you were already paying her this amount then that's how it is. Not that it matters to you at this time I just wanted to let you know that maybe where you live it's the same way. Also, your kids don't need your wife constantly critisizing you in front of them. You need time alone with them.
Concerning your wife. If you want her back, it would be good for you to find ways of reminding her WHY she fell in love with you in the first place. I am going through the same stuff as you although we are recovering..... well i think... LOL... Remember you're in love with her... she's not sure if she's in love with you. So you gotta go the extra mile. What can you do to make her remember something pleasant about you? A note of some event you and she did? Or... concerning your cologne, make sure you wear the one that you are "known" for to her. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE... a female KNOWS what you SMELL like. I kinda cheat on that one... I wait till she's going to bed and sneak up and squirt a drop of my cologne on her pillow. (gosh... i hope I'm like not breaking some male rule by posting this in public)Another thing... undevided attention. You have to make her believe in her heart that no matter WHATEVER the next word is that comes out of her mouth, that it will be the most important word YOU will hear all day. You would not believe how many women spend their entire lives talking to the BACK of a newspaper. EYE CONTACT IS CRUCIAL HERE. Here's a hard one. Smile and look generally pleased to see her. EVEN when she says something maybe not real pleasant. It's hard to say bad things and be angry with someone whom you KNOW cares for you. She may be just testing you out. And... quit smoking. No one likes it anymore and if you're worried about money here's five bucks a day for you to save. adds up. 5 X 365 = $1,825.00 a year. Add that to 40 years.... $73,000.00 so on and so on. She may be pressing you to quit to see what you'll give up for her too. Think of that? I am going thru that too. Just it isn't smoking. It's STUPID baseball. My god I hate that game. NOW guess who want's me to take her to the ball games this coming spring? Yap... my wife. So now I'm singing "take me out to the ballgame". Shoot me. BUT... I love my wife and dagonit... it won't hurt me to spend a few saturdays a month taking her to a baseball game. Things aren't as they seem. Cars come and go as does money. The only thing you really have is your time and where you spend it and with whom. I know where I want to spend mine and I could care less about anything else. You do the same. Hope your getting along ok. I read your posts. So don't think no one is listening cause if I read em... others do to. Have a great day and keep plugging along cause the sun does come up.... one way or another.

Wnet to see shrink today basically just an exploritory session. He did ask a lot of questions though which I was happy with b/c he asked all of the right ones. will be seeing him again next week. He did ask if he could call my wife to try and get more background. I reluctantly gave him permission b/c I am afraid w will get mad for that too. Anyway i will post again tonight have to go to work.

While your W may indeed get upset that you are talking to a counselor...it also shows that you are going to do whatever it takes to make yourself a better person...for whatever relationship you're going to have in the future.

IF...she gets upset...be CALM! Tell her that this is something you feel you can do not only for your marriage but for yourself. That this is important to YOU. You want to become a better person and partner. Don't allow this to turn into a power struggle if at all possible. Keep calm, if she tells you that she wants nothing to do with the counselor...tell her it's ok, she doesn't have to. Your counselor asked if he might call her for her POV, but if she doesn't wish to have her side understood, that's ok. You're wanting to do everything in your power to make yourself better.

IF...she isn't upset...GREAT! Ask her to be as honest as she can about how she sees you and your marriage with counselor so that he will have a better guide in what issues YOU need to work through.

The first few sessions are usually background and getting an idea as to what you hope to accomplish. So sounds like you feel as if you've found one which will work for you! Congrats!

Have a great week!