I NEED YOUR HELP

I am friends with a couple and have been for years and years. Two weeks ago, the husband came to me to talk about his marriage. I have known they have had problems for sometime from the wife. I love both of these people dearly and have ended all conversations with either one of them " you know I love you guys" and I do. The BIGGEST problem is the H told me he has loved me for years. I have never encourgaged this - It shocked me to hear it and still does. He has never told anyone and I guess has just kept it silent. I think he may love me differently than I love them but I do not think he is IN LOve with me. I tried to explaing this to him. GOOD NEWS - he tells me he still loves his W. and he would like to make it work with her. However, he feels unloved, unappreciated and unwanted. Believe me, this is a man that a high percentage of women would be more than happy to help out of his marriage and I have told him this. I told him I guess he picked the right one because I wouldn't.
The only thing I can do is point him to his priorities. I have agreed to talk to him and help him because I am somewhat involved - just not by choice. I have been divorced for several years - I feel that he has had sympathy for me and respect for me in raising my 2 children under the circumstances. I do not see anyone by choice and have chosen not to until my children are older (grown). I devote my life and time to them. I think that somewhere his feelings for me have become more than they should be. That and the fact that his wife, My friend also, has pushed him away - has put us in a ackward situation.
I have told the W this before, while your H may have his faults, in my book he is head and shoulders above most other men. They have been married 26 years and he has never been unfaithful to her - nor her to him. There have been other problems - the biggest now, according to him, he just doesn't think they are up to anymore mountains to climb and bridges to cross. He feels that the time of them getting through these together are close to an end. I got on this sight trying to gather information of what to say or do to tell him. They do not physically abuse each other - but he has told me that both of them contribute to an emotional and mental bloodbath. I truly believe that resolving the conflict is no longer the problem - they need to remember why they loved each other in the first place and make that a priority. I am going to suggest the books "Love Busters" and His Needs Her Needs". Please respond to this message both females who have had to deal with "Other Women" and males who can put yourself in my friends place and anyone who has decided to play with fire by a situation like me and the outcome thereof. I am trying to do the right thing.

This is to add to my original note.
I do not want to add to his "love bank" by being understanding of his problem. He has no one else to talk to - I have already asked him this. I do feel like I can help give him some ideas of things to do and some soul-searching. I have already set a time to talk to his wife and he knows this - of course, I am not telling her about her H's and my conversations - but am telling her as I have told her in the past - she cannot give up on this 26 years is too long to give up on. I feel more capable of the conversation with her since I have been on this sight and reading information.

PROBLEM: I do not want to do anything to block the H's focus on his getting his marriage on track with his W - by possibly depositing in his love bank by just being a caring friend.

I don't want to have to end my friendship with the couple or the individuals (I am never around the H alone - I am the W) except for twice the past two weeks.

I don't know if they will make it if I try to help - but feel they will not if I don't.

Am I making a mistake????

Dear Truly,

I may be all wet, but I think you need to run, not walk away from this situation. You may not want to be the other woman, but you already are for the husband. If it were my friend I would tell her, not him, that you are not a marriage councelor and don't want to be in the middle of their problems. Then I would suggest they see someone qualified to help them.

If your friend the wife finds out her husbands feelings for you while you were talking to them about their problems I don't think she will be very happy. I know I would be p*ssed as h*ll.

Please, for all involved get out while you still have 2 friends.

Used

You're going to hate what I have to say but here it is: Get out of this friendship. End it. Be honest with the wife and tell her that you are finding yourself in the middle of their marital troubles and they need to be talking with a counselor - not you. Tell her that by being friends with both, it encourages one-on-one conversations with both and you don't think its healthy for you to be a confident for her husband. She'll respect your honesty.

Then find other friends.

You're kidding yourself if you think you're not the OW because you can't return <right now> the same level of attachment or feelings that the husband has expressed for you. But you can't escape admitting that having someone reveal they care for you is flattering - even if it is at the same time scary. This is, frankly, how all EA begin and the natural course of events is for them to escalate while causing destruction in everyone's lives.

Do the right thing. End it. Walk away. And retain your self-respect.

All the best to you! -pendragon-

I could not agree more with used and abused.
Obviously , the husband has been getting his emotional needs fulfilled by you. ( Except, I assume, physical intimacy).
I am concerned about your "he's a real catch" statement. It sounds like you could develop some feelings here too, if you already have not done so.
Any further attempts by you to help them, will. in fact , hurt them. And ultimately, you.
You must run to he nearest exit. NOW.
If you really value their friendship, terminate all contact.
You can make it up later.
Also, and this is your option, it may be neccessary for you to mention to the wife, her husbands feelings for you.
Affairs do not last after exposure or in this case , begin.

so you don't want to be the other woman, huh? too late! you are! where did you get your counseling training, and/or license? don't have one? then why would you think you should be acting as such? what possible good could you be, except as the fantasy girl who understands all where his wife doesn't? it's his wife he needs to talk to, you've got no business in this at all.
if you truly are a friend, then you'll get out of this mess now. and before you do, you'll tell the husband exactly why. that it makes you uncomfortable to know he feels that way about you. maybe once he realizes that his feelings have cost him a friend, he'll think a little bit more about how it would feel to lose his wife. he's got no business coming to you with his problems with her, and you have no business listening knowing what you know.
i know it sounds harsh, but the fact is you are already on the border of an emotional affair. you are filling needs that he should be taking to his wife, which makes you the other woman. how do you think his wife would feel if she read your post? would her heart break at thought that her husband was telling another woman he loved her? avoid this man at all costs, and tell him why!

First thank you to all who responded. Ya'll are not telling me anything that I guess I didn't already know. Being 40 something and divorced doesn't mean that I am not totally niave in this situation - I have never had anything like this happen before. However, I still think it probably more innocent than it sounds - or maybe because that is just because I truly want it to be. The thing is - I can't and have not contributed to him emotionally because I can count on both hands the times I have seen the husband over the past 3-5 years. I think it surely started out as an innocent thing with him also and hopefully still is. He told me this was not about sex or wanting an affair.

Problem is guys - I just do not understand this -
how it happened and/or what happened. Here I am not doing anything, minding my own business when out of the blue something like this happens. I guess I just want to understand and since you do not know him or myself, you do not really hold the answers either. I AM A PERSON WHO NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND. Also, the responder who asked if I was trained - no I am not. Wish I were and then I still would not be the one to talk to to try to help with their problems. I believe I have made it clear to him that all I can do is tell him I want them to work. I have told him to write to her (since the communicitions seem to lead to heavy verbal combat on both sides) to tell her all the things he loves about her. Also, to try to confront some of the problems by saying I feel this when this happens. To leave this for her to think about and see what happens - that maybe if she can really see he cares and wants a true reply they can start communicating.

I got to this sight because I do not know what to tell him; or her when I see her next week. Fight fair would be one. I truly think they need to find the love for each other they have had in the past and the mountains wouldn't seem as high.

I was watching "A Beautiful Mind" for the first time last night and at the end the wife is telling her husband's friend -
I just try to focus on the man I married -
Then he transforms into the man I love and
I transform into the women who loves him.

I can't be the other woman - maybe I have been too judgemental in the past on this subject. I can see how things could possibly get out of control before the parties involved even really know what has happened.

I do want to be,
Truly a friend

I can understand how this situation developed...but everyone is pretty much right about this.

You're wisest course is to inform both of them that you are NOT a marriage counselor, that you care for both of them, you want them to be happy and that if you were in their shoes...you'd start seeking out some professional help as your office is now closed! Then stick to it!

I don't really think you're the OW, as I feel that to be the OP...you've got to be willing to be so. Just because he's crossed some lines which shouldn't be crossed, doesn't mean that you have. (Altho, you must be very careful about listening to information about things which should be private to the marriage.)

You are in control of YOU...that is the ONLY person you have any control over. You have seen the red flags and you are now holding up a big "STOP" sign. Good for you! So often friends lie to themselves when faced with this type of situation...and then realize that they themselves have crossed lines.

I'm not going to say end the friendship completely...although you may have to at some point if they don't get some much needed help. But...make things very clear to BOTH of them...TOGETHER...that your "office door" has a "Gone fishing" sign on it which will remain until you get a license to practice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

To Just a Wifey -

Thank you so much for your reply - I believe I have seen your name referred to on other posts as being very on target. Thank you for saying I am not the other woman. There is nothing I want more than for my friends (both together) to have their marriage work and to be happy in their marriage. You are right - and all that have replied saying to get out of this situation especially the counseling side - I have just felt I had no choice but to help since I have felt I have been made a party to this. It would serve no good purpose for the W to know what the H said about loving me. There are different kinds of love and I am sure he is just confused. He said numerous times that he loves his W and I told him I knew he did and that was why he must work this out with her and he wants to. I just want to know they can and I feel better chatting with ya'll.

Thank you,

Truly a Friend

sorry just a wifey, but i don't agree with some of what you've said. while you're right about the other person needing to be willing in order for her to be the ow, it sounds very much like she is. instead of seperating herself and getting out of the picture, she wants to remain in and "help". this is how affairs start. not many betrayers wake up and say "hey, think i'll cheat on my wife today" it's a process that begins with an inappropriate friendship. and while she may have good intentions now, the cruel facts are that having a secret with a married person is a slippery slope, so easy to fall down the other side.
truly, let me give you my opinion on why this may have happened. he's in this marriage, maybe it's become stale, maybe there are problems. he still loves his wife but maybe that's getting lost in the everyday year after year struggle of bills, kids, jobs, and other things. then here comes you. no responsibilities, no pressures, no real life comparasion. it's possible he doesn't even see you so much as a woman as a fantasy, a woman who always listens to him, never nags at him, in general what most men look for in a mistress. an escape valve. that is the danger in this situation, the more you allow him to lean on you this way, the further into this fantasy of "what-if" he'll go. i'm sure you are a kind person, which would make it easier for him to tell himself that what he feels is love.
at worst, this could turn into a full blown physical affair. at best, they could have it out and fix things, leaving both you and him feeling awkward about what's been said. that's why i'd say it would be best to seperate yourself for awhile, maybe his infatuation will die on it's own. perhaps if you put yourself in his wife's shoes. would you want your husband leaning emotionally on another woman instead of you? tell him to talk to her, you're unavailable for private sessions. protect yourself!

TAF....I sorta tried to put myself in your position and I can see that it can happen when you least expect it. I also would like to offer this advice...It's something I told my children when they married:

I love you...I love your choosen mate...I do NOT want to be put in the middle of your battles. What might be a small arguement in the long run between the two of you, might cause me to hold resentments. The marriage is between W and H...not a third party...not a MIL...that's for sure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now this doesn't really fit your situation...but yet, it does. Whenever married partners start talking to others about what is going on in their marriages, too often they stop talking their partners in the marriage.

I think you've been a good friend to this couple...continue being a good friend...just on a different level.

kristawny...while I definitely agree that there is danger here...TAF immediately put up some roadblocks and sought out some outside advice. That is what we want women to do when faced with this type of situation.

Friendships can indeed be a breeding ground of betrayals...but they can also be a great source of support and advice. Friendships...true friendships...between men and women can work...but it takes realizing that there is always a danger and respecting that fact.

You may well be correct that for a time TAF may have to pull back from this couple until they can get their feet under them. But...regardless...she's done what she should do here...I'm darn proud of her!

The husband in this situation has placed you in a very uncompromising situation. Please do not downplay what has happened. It is never innocent when a married person expresses any kind of feelings for you. You have made yourself available to him to meet some of his emotional needs.

You are fulfilling his need for communication. He is talking to you about his marital problems. If he was really interested in improving his marriage, it would be far more effective for him to be communicating with his wife about these things. So long as you continue to make yourself available to meet his communication needs, his marriage to his wife will continue to go downhill at a rapid speed. As a rule of thumb, counselors know that there is a tendency for clients to form emotional attachments to them due to the level of communication going on. They also know that once a client expresses any kind of emotional bond or connection to them, it is time to refer them to another counselor for assistance because any "help" that they could provide will only worsen the situation. You know that the husband has already expressed an emotional attachment to you. This is extremely unhealthy at best. Only you can decide whether or not you are going to act in his best interest by ending the friendship because his emotional attachment to you shows that he obviously is not acting with a clear and rational mind. EA's start with basic attraction. It sounds as though the husband is more than just attracted to you given that he has expressed his love for you. BIG RED FLAG.

It's up to you, but to continue this relationship/friendship with the husband at this point will only contribute to the continued breakdown of his marriage. Personally, I would not want to put myself in that position of contributing to someone else's marital problems. This is the husband and the wife's problem to work out. Your presence in this situation makes it a triangle. While you may have been brought into this situation, it is your choice whether or not to stay or allow them to continue dragging you into the middle of things.

One thing that I think a true friend would do is sit the both of them down and tell them that you understand that they are having a hard time with their marriage, but you think that it is best if the both of them would start talking to each other about their problems instead of running to you. A true friend would realize that she is not capable of helping in this situation no matter how badly she wants to help and back off. Sometimes no help at all is the best help you can give. You don't want to be the other woman, but you are allowing the husband in this situation to turn you into one by allowing him to run to you with his problems.

trulyafriend,
It sounds like you are a caring person who likes to help other people and to "fix" things. I say that in the best possible way, but this is a case where every word he says to you, and every bit of understanding he shares with you is something your are taking from his wife. Don't be his safety net for if THEY don't work out.

My wife was in the same boat as you. Our friends had marriage troubles for years before meeting us. They moved in next door and we saw them often. HE saw our life as one he wished he had and "fell in love with my wife". This only made it harder for his wife to measure up. Most people don't compare well with a fantacy.

Were we are now. They are divorced, We almost did, 2.5 years of turmoil. He moved to FL, then to NE and is? married to another woman, she was talking to him while My W was living with him. I'm sure it was just to help too.

How I wish my wife had said to him, get help elsewhere and leave me out of this.

If it is all so innocent on his part he should let his wife in on it, at least she can decide then if she wants to stick around or leave. This makes him sound selfish.
I admire you for coming here to help them, my advice is to give HER prints of the Harley Pricipals and wish her luck, you know she can make their marrige work, encourage her to start fixing it. The best thing right would be for her to make some Love bank deposits.
Please learn from our hindsight/experience.
D.

I would like to thank everyone who gave input on this situation. Hands-down, ya'll are right about removing myself from this situation. I am going to see the W, and when she brings up troubles -- I am going to point her to this website and materials. Talked to the H briefly, he apologized for stepping over the lines - I really believe he is not "in love" with me, but feels a closeness that could still be dangerous to proceed with any kind of contact that would lead to an EA. He did sound better and maybe he had done some of the things I had suggested to him. I do not know and did not ask about his sounding more positive; all I know is if it works for them that is wonderful. Before this site, I had never thought much at all about EA's only PA's. I now have a better understanding of how people you never thought could get involved in an A - end up in one.

I guess the thing I really do not understand is why so many marriages with so many years and so much time invested seem to be so hard to work through the problems with 15+ years invested. It would seem that it should get easier and not harder.

Thank you again. Will sign on in future and update you on what I hope will be a marriage back on track - because these are two really wonderful people. Take care and God Bless and Comfort each of you going through a marital struggle.

Truly a Friend.