My W had been involved in (at the least) an EA about a year ago. A few days ago the OM recontacted W. Instead of saying,"please do not ever call again." She said said she couldn't talk right now and led him to believe that he should call back later.It had been atleast 6 months since NC letter. MY stomach is churning!!! Please advise.

Don't PANIC.

Plan out your talk. Is W a conflict-avoider? Maybe it was easier for her to just 'put him off' rather than tell him not to call her anymore. Talk to her about this. Be watchful of LBs... critical judgements, angry outbursts and selfish demands... BUT espablish your boundaries for a successful marriage recovery...

If she was avoiding conflict... help her plan out what she could say if he calls again.

Good luck,
Cali

Possibly the call caught her off guard with no planned response and she said the first thing that popped into her head. What is important...you know about the call and she didn't talk to him.

Discuss with W what a clearer response might be if this should happen again. Don't jump to conclusions...she didn't break NC...this OM did and she has no control over what he does...only what her response to it might be.

Good Luck!

Calmly talk to your W and let her know that you will not lose your cool if she is open and honest with you regarding her and the OM. If she refuses to do so, then be very vigilant for anymore signs that might indicate a reigniting of her A.

Thanks for responses. I guess I wasn't clear. My W did NOT tell me about the call. She had ample oppurtunity to do so over the weekend during a nice relaxing walk.

Yes she is a Conflict Avoider. Big time. Occasionally (and I stress occassionally) I'll ask W about the R. She'll barely talk about it. She will say she appreciates my progress with helping around house, being better father, etc. If I ask about her emotional feelings about me, I'll I get is," things are better."

I am afraid that W is just going thru the motions bc my behaviour ie angry outbursts is better. I'm afraid she still hasn't (re)developed feelings of love for me.

CWM: You have got to tell her how you feel about the call and her failure to tell you about it, without LB'ing, and ask her to please re-iterate the no contact agreement and hang up if he calls again. If you can't do that, you need to keep working on YOU. One way you can help her learn to deal with conflict is to be a good example.

If she didn't tell you...how did you find out?

Yes, you do need to sit down and talk to her about NC, just to make your own position clear. But you can NOT control what she does...only what your reaction might be.

If in fact, she did tell you, just not as soon as she should have...it can be very difficult for the WS to confess something the OP does if they fear the results of being honest. You said you have a problem with angry outbursts...we've all been there...but if you want her to be honest...you've got to stay off the ceiling! You MUST create a safe environment in which she knows that you will NOT blame her for something she is not in control of. And she is NOT in control of what OM might attempt.

Yes, she might have handled it more forcefully, but...women are usually not "wired" to do this without a lot of pre-planning. We tend to lean toward peace making, not making waves, and in some cases avoiding a head on clash.

IF...you did in fact discover this by some other means then your W telling...You may well have a problem!

Good Luck!