I need to get grounded. My husband and I have been together for thirteen years and have four children. Over the course of the past five years, I have tried to get my husband to attend counseling with me and try to work on our marriage to no avail, UNTIL another man met some of my emotional needs (through discussions on the phone). Instantly my husband and I went to counseling for four months and uncovered numerous hurdles. The main problem? Even though I know my husband loves me and he said we could make a go of it, he is very controlling and everything must be according to what he believes(whether it is right or wrong) . I have worked my whole married life trying to please him but the standards were always changing. I asked for a seperation because I was overwhelmed. Within two weeks of my husband moving out, he had a girlfriend and introduced her to his family. He sacrificed scheduled time with his children and cancelled counseling and "date nights" with me and even spent Christmas night with the OW . Over the past three weeks, we have tried to clear our heads and find our way out of this, but I found out yesterday that my husband had unprotected sex with the OW . I asked him prior to having sex with me if there was any reason he should wear a condom and he told me a bunch of lies that I believed. Afterwards,He said he didn't want to upset me. I was very angry about him being so casual about my health and I'm angry with myself for believing him . He threw the whole thing back at ME for having a phone friend in the first place. I know I have done my share to get us where we are, but his lack of respect for my health and our children overwhelms me but does not surprise me. Can anyone help me figure out how much is enough and how bad does it have to be before I lose all of me for my marriage?

Sorry your here, but know this is a good site to have found. READ! Then take from it what you think will benefit your marriage and keep the rest on the backburner in case of need.

I'm going to ask questions before I offer any advice:

Are the two of you still separated? Are the two of you still in counseling? In counseling you said his controling behavior was part of the problem...has he addressed this issue? Has all contact with your EA ended? Has all contact with his PA ended?

Yes, a marraige can be saved, IF...both partners work very hard, are committed to each other (and family), are committed to rebuilding the marriage. If they have both ended all outside contact with any OP, then a rebuilding can began.

Good Luck!

thanks for replying. Yes, my husband and I are still seperated and still in counseling. We are both finished with our others, but my husband's control is a MAJOR issue. He agrees that he is doing it, but he continues to do it and when I point it out to him, he gets angry and throws it back at me. My husband has a very strong personality and I am much more laidback and made to feel guilty very easily. I know that a lot of our problems do not stem from me. I have tried utilizing what we have learned from the counseling, but he applies those rules to me and not himself. To be honest, I'm ready to throw in the towel!