After the discovery of my W EA, I've been in limbo now for almost 2 months. My W & I go for individual counseling and today we start our 2nd round of MC. 1st round failed as she was lying thru it so we stopped going. My W said she wanted to try to fix this, but I don't feel she is trying. She sits around playing a solitaire game for hours. No conversation unless it pretains to our children(ages 1 & 3). I had asked her why she doesn't speak to me any more and go no real reply. She said I expect everything to change overnight and that maybe this is the new "her".
I don't expect it change overnight but I told her if she cannot commincate with me, this will never work. She's said we still need to go the Mc. So I made the appointments and we go today. I made seperate appointments so that maybe she'll open up if not there. She go to conseling and never says a word about what gets discussed.

The big V day is around the corner and it has me wondering, what I am supposed to do. Do I just ignore it or do I try to do something special that will make her turn the corner to me. Or I am just opening myself up for a another round of hurt.

Do you want to save the marriage or not? Wine and dine her, plan a romantic night out, give her flowers, for goodness sake show her how you love her! It doesn't matter if she won't appreciate or get excited about it. What matters is that you show her how you love her and you are willing to make changes too even though you see it as her fault at this time. Let me bring some light to you. I had an EA so I am the guilty one. If anybody asks me why I did it, I know exactly why.It's because I'm selfish! I work 2 jobs, take care of 4 kids and I just want some attention and romance with my husband.Is that too much to ask for?He's emotionally inept, he doesn't believe in celebrating anything, no flowers, no cards, no holding hands, no kissing in public, no "how was your day at work" no "let me help you with the dishes" no "I love you" no "you're looking pretty today". And yes they may sound menial and selfish but I need to feel that he loves me through little gestures like that. To this day, he's still not making any effort and our marriage is slowly dying.I will not be surprised if we get divorced this year. So please do yourself a favor, save your marriage while you have a chance.Show her you can change too and make her fall in love with you again. Don't expect her to change overnight. Even I had to go through grieving the loss of the OM, the one who for once filled in those voids within. Good luck to you.

Do you want to save the marriage or not? Wine and dine her, plan a romantic night out, give her flowers, for goodness sake show her how you love her! It doesn't matter if she won't appreciate or get excited about it. What matters is that you show her how you love her and you are willing to make changes too even though you see it as her fault at this time. Let me bring some light to you. I had an EA so I am the guilty one. If anybody asks me why I did it, I know exactly why.It's because I'm selfish! I work 2 jobs, take care of 4 kids and I just want some attention and romance with my husband.Is that too much to ask for?He's emotionally inept, he doesn't believe in celebrating anything, no flowers, no cards, no holding hands, no kissing in public, no "how was your day at work" no "let me help you with the dishes" no "I love you" no "you're looking pretty today". And yes they may sound menial and selfish but I need to feel that he loves me through little gestures like that. To this day, he's still not making any effort and our marriage is slowly dying.I will not be surprised if we get divorced this year. So please do yourself a favor, save your marriage while you have a chance.Show her you can change too and make her fall in love with you again. Don't expect her to change overnight. Even I had to go through grieving the loss of the OM, the one who for once filled in those voids within. Good luck to you.

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 06:43 AM: Message edited by: shootingstar ]</small>

Now for another option. I'd buy her a card, not too "lovie dovie" but one which conveyed the way I felt toward my spouse...and not push. Ask her if there is anything special she would like to do "tonight"...then be open to what she says.

Now maybe I'm all wrong and ShootingStar is completely right...but it seems to me that if your W is grieving or even if she isn't grieving just wanting to have some space, wineing and dining her may only feel as if you're pressuring her.

Who knows...maybe a middle ground.

Good Luck!

Both ShootingStar and Wifey gave you great advice. The problem is how to choose between the two. Here's a thought. Which one of those two types of Valentine's Days did you and your W typically have during your marriage, especially last year? Choose the option that is most opposite to the one you'd normally have done. Basically, do something different for your W, because obviously, whatever you've done in the past hasn't necessarily worked from her point of view. Maybe you don't typically provide romance and excitement in her life. If true, choose option A - pour it on thick! Or, maybe you have been sending her cutesy little cards and flowers every day since d-day to try to demonstrate your love, and just maybe that's been pushing her farther away from you. In that case, choose option B and give her some breathing room.

I agree with the advice from all three! Also what are her most important EN's? The answer to that question might help you to decide what you want to for V-day. Maybe she would like to be wined and dined, maybe she would like a nice quiet evening at home with a hot bubble bath and candles.

Find out what her EN's are and you should have your answer.

Good luck
STTSI