I cheated on my husband in nov and told him about it. my husband is having a very hard time getting over it. i told him i will do anything and i promised to never ever hurt him again but he said he just cant trust me and he cant get the vision of me with someone else out of his head and certain things just remind him of it. right now he says im just a friend with benefits. i love him so much and i just want to be with him. what can i do?

Be HONEST...painfully so. Be willing to wait out his emotional rollercoaster. Accept full responsiblity for your actions. Understand that you've lost all trust for the foreseeable future, be accountable for you time, actions. Be an open book! Do NOT hide anything, open what was considered your "private" life, even if this means giving him whatever tools he needs to feel secure. Allow him to snoop to his hearts content...and make very sure that there is NOTHING to find.

All BS deal with what we term as "triggers" those things which bring the betrayal to mind. Expect this! TALK to him whenever he wishes to discuss your affair, be honest...but be kind. Whatever you do...do NOT lie, not to protect him or yourself.

The most powerful weapon you have in your hands is the truth. Use it well.

See if your H would be willing to join this site, he'll get a lot of support and understanding for what he's going through.

Validate his feelings! They are his and he has a right to them. He's been betrayed, nothing hurts as having the person we hold dearest to us betray our love.

Keep looking for ideas and advice...as you have today. Read what is offered here on site. Especially read about plan A. While plan A is basically for the BS who is hopeing to save their marriage, it can also be used successfully by the WS who wishes to save their marriage.

Plan A is about working on self, making yourself a better person, and hence, a better partner. It's focusing on what is positive in the relationship instead of what is lacking.

Good Luck!

You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%, providing you do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

Your H is on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that either of you might think it would be best to just divorce and go on with your life. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give each other the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

thank you both for the quick responses.so really the only thing i can do is give him time. is there anyway of helping him get the vision out of his head?

Sadly...not really. That takes time. jmho

what am i supposed to do when he tells me to leave the house because he doesn't want to see me? do i lieave?

Ouchie! No, I wouldn't leave. Leaving only increases the distance. And you can't work on your marriage. I'm really at a lost on this one. But, I would give him space, maybe go into another room or something for a SHORT time.

I'd try to get into counseling as soon as possible. If he's unwilling...you get into counseling first, hopefully, then he'll follow.

i want to go for counseling i just dont know where to go and plus i dont really have any money for it. but i am willing and i told him to do whatever it takes. he told me i have to prove myself to him and i am doing everything i can think of but sometimes i think its not enough. he says im doing good but then theres the times when he tels me to leave or doesnt want me around and that makes me think im getting further from him.

Meko,
Having been in your husband's position myself (except for the physical consumation of the affair because my wife's EA was online and over the phone), I can tell you it is not easy to get certain images out of your mind and the pain of being betrayed. It is not easy. I am sorry he is asking you to leave at times. I never did that with my wife, but sometimes I feel the need to go outside for a few minutes and pet the dog or play basketball or something to get my mind off of the images. Please follow the advice of Just_A_Wifey. She gives great advice. At least you informed him of the EA. That shows honesty and remorse. I caught my WW having an intimate phone conversation with OM, which was extremely painful. Hang in there. Continue to do the right things and things should hopefully improve. He needs to know you deeply regret the EA and that it will never happen again, and to know you are being totally honest and faithful with him in every way. Be affectionate and reassuring as much as you can. You might want to write a heartfelt note to him expressing your desires for your future together. I would also throw away/delete any reminders of the OM that might trigger bad memories for him. Good luck and God bless.

thank you for the advice. its just really hard and i hate myself for what i did to him. i just want to love him and take care of him, but i feel like he is pushing me away.i just want to help him get it out of his head so he can be with me, i know he loves me he's just hurt.

He also said he doesnt want to work it out right now, i asked him for a second chance and he said i have to earn it, so how do i do that? what does that mean. he doesn't consider me his wife right now just a friend.

MEKO -

It's not so much a matter of your H "getting over it." In fact, if I were you I'd delete that phrase from my vocabulary. The last thing a BS wants to hear from a WS is "get over it."

He is wounded right now and is hurting deeply. He needs to heal, and if you're able to assist in "nursing" him back to health, that will probably go a long way toward "earning" another chance in his eyes.

As others have said, absorb all you can from this site and keep posting - many wise and wonderful folks here to help you along.

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>

i didnt exactly mean get over it in a mean way i meant how can help him get it out of his head, the visions and everything, because i dont expect him to get over it, i just want to help him heal

It sounds like you love your husband and your marriage very much and you seem so remorseful.
I am curious what made you do such a thing? Did you consider the consequences of your actions or were you just mad at him? It says a great deal about you that you were upfront and honest with him by telling your husband and not having to have him catch you.
I do not know if this will help but try to imagine how you would feel if your husband came to you and told you he had sex with another woman. What would you want him to do for you to make you feel better and get the images out of your head? I wish you luck.

I have been in your husband's shoes. Just a wifey 2002's post is so true. Keep in mind that feelings are neither right or wrong, it's how you act on them is what matters.

I'm in no position to give advice and can only tell you what is working for me and my marriage.

Failure to deal with the underlying issues at some point in time will cause them to seep into your life again and again and it won't matter who you are married or committed to. You have nothing to lose by dealing with them now. On the contrary, you have everything to gain (including keeping your current marriage in tact).

I accepted the fact that I had some measure of personal responsibility for my wife's affairs. I soon came to the conclusion that I must examine myself then commit to making changes in my behavior. Behavior that contributed (not caused) the affairs. I felt that failure to change my behavior would only provide similar contributions in future relationships. Communication and listening was what I needed to work on. Plus I did not like myself very much.

I focused on myself because I cannot make anyone do anything. Only my wife could stop having the affairs. Changing my behavior (initially it was identifying the behavior and committing to change) would eliminate my part in this marital mess. Thus, I ensure my own future happiness even if that happiness was to be had after divorce and with a new life's partner. You see, I could not make her stay, I could only try my best to make it hard for her to leave.

This is a long way to get to an answer....but recovery is always possible. It just depends on how bad you want something while knowing that you by yourself cannot make the relationship work. For me, the bottom line was that I had to prepare myself for recovery before my marriage could get there, or at least have my marital recovery run in tandem with my own recovery.

Seems to me that an affair is an affair is an affair. They are all nasty with the same mind numbing effects. The longer it goes on...the longer the recovery.

Get professional help now. Get a therapist today. To me, recovery was not an arena for self-help.

Stick with it. Decide what you want then fight like hell for it. If for some reason beyond your control, your marriage does not make it maybe you at least helped yourself.

Hang in there.

Have you stopped the affair? Is there anything you have not told your husband? Get it all out. Leaking the truth one drop at a time will only delay the healing process.

Meko17, what do you really want? Does your husband know what he wants? Do you both want the same thing? As long as you both want the same thing and are willing to do what is needed to get there your marriage will survive.

I feel so bad for you both. I am so sorry that you both are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: jimtex1 ]</small>

Its weird because I have no idea why i did what i did. I told my H everything, but he thinks i didnt. I just pray for the day when he comes home and gives me a kiss and says hi honey how was your day. Or when he leaves and says bye honey and gives me a kiss. he doesnt kiss me except when we make love. When we make love its great i feel his love even though he says im just some girl that he is having sex with. I know i have a long way to go i just want him to tell me that he is giving me a second chance to prove to him that i want to be with him forever and i will never hurt him again. I have never had God in my life before and now I do that is why i feel so confident about what I am saying. After I see all the hurt i have caused him I would never do this to him or anything else to hurt him. We already have our kids names picked out, jenna and blake, we dont have any kids right now but we both really want them. I just want to make him happy for the rest of our lives but i dont know how to earn myself that second chance. Any advice on anything would be most helpful!

I am sorry Meko but this is no answer when you say it is weird that you have no idea why you had sex with another man and cheated on your husband. You can't expect your husband to accept this explanation. How can he trust you and work on the problems of the marriage if you say I don't have a clue why I had sex with another man? I assume you made a deliberate choice in doing this and knew exactly why you wished to do this. Did the OM put a gun to your head? Something was missing from your marriage. Something made you angry enough or something pushed you to have sex with another man outside of your marriage. No husband in his right mind would accept your answer of
"I have no idea why". It makes your husband simply think that if you have no idea why then there will be times in the future when you will this again.
How can you fix a problem if you maintain that you have no problem.
If some man came up to you and wanted to have sex with you I assume that you would say get lost I am married and I love my husband. In the previous instance you made the choice to cheat with this other man and you must know why. I know that your husband is desperate to understand your behavior and how to protect you and himself in the future.
You give him nothing to hold on to when you say you have no clue why you would have sex with another man. It sounds absolutely ridiculous. In the past if your husband had come to you and said "Honey,
I just had sex with another women last night when you were not here and it is weird but I just don't know why". What would you think? You would want to know why and what was he thinking. You will not be able to let your husband heal and trust you again until you are totally honest with him about your reasons for the affair and what you were thinking.
Your refusal to be honest with your husband and yourself will doom your recovery. I don't blame your husband for not opening up to you since you refuse to be open and honest with him. I know this sounds harsh but you deliberately made a terrible decision and you should be honest about your reasons and feelings for those decisions to cheat on your husband. I wish you luck and hope you look inside yourself to understand your behavior.

<small>[ January 31, 2003, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: meko17 ]</small>

We honestly were not having any problems in our marriage. I know why, I was just a very weak person at the time,I had a low self esteem even though my H told me all the time that i was beautiful, but now I have God in my life and I feel stronger then I have ever been. When i said i dont know it was just one of those things you say. I know that I will never do this horrible thing that I have done ever again. Why would I be putting forth so much effort to save our marriage and make him happier then he has ever been if though for one minute that i would do this again. I wouldnt and love him so much i would never want to see him hurt like this again.

<small>[ January 31, 2003, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: meko17 ]</small>