Well, will this ever get better? I have posted here a few times in the past six weeks. D-day was 12/16. I thought I had the full story from my H, but boy was I wrong.

Things just were not adding up, I kept pushing him for the rest of the story, and each time his variation on the story was different. I have been reading, and according to Dr. Harley, if the story changes, it is probably not true. Well, it wasn't, hasn't been, and probably still isn't, but here goes.

On the 16th of Dec, I got a letter in the mail from OW #3. (Supposedly the last one) She claimed to be H's mistress, and offered help and proof for divorce, namely explict videos of her and my H engaging in what can only be described as serious porno sex. (this is according to my H)
He claims sex was great at first, but it got "scary" as it went on, and he was worried she would want him to hurt her. Great, just want i want to hear, that the father of my child likes practically beating women in bed. Which of course he denies, but needless to say that is the way it was with them. Might I add, this brutal honesty thing, while nessecary is a pain in the butt!

So, OW contacts me, claims to have tapes and info on other women. Tells me my H told her I repulsed him especially after our daughter was born. She said he hated having sex with me because my scar (C-section) rubbed him and grossed him out, and that I was fat. I am no longer "fat" thanks to the D-day diet! Besides, I was not fat before.

Called H (he is out of the country and has been for 12 months) and he fessed up to two A's. One was last year while he was away at training, I found a note in his car from that one, and then this one. He said they were both just sex and he did not care for either one. This I had found to be completly untrue.

So, as the weeks have passed, he has lied and i have caught him in them. I have found out that there were three OW and not two, and that he took them out to dinner, on romantic walks in the park, dancing, to movies, overnight to nice hotels, and on and on. All the while he has been a jerk to me. I was too fat, too demanding, to this too that. He is military, and even went so far as to say in his statement when he got busted for the A that I was verbally abusive and i put him donw all the time. Mind you, I have spent the last seven years doing everything!

By everything I mean, the bills, caring for our child, laundry, keeping the cars up, building our house, handling the mortage, and on and on. He has not lived with me for almost a year and a half. He sent me to live with my mother so he could screw OW # 1 and 2. When we did live together, his household contribution was to mow the lawn twice a month and take the trash out once or twice a month. Then he had the nerve to complain because I was exhausted at the end of the day and not interested in staying up half the night to have sex. Keep in mind, I had a job and completed my degree during this time. (H did not attend graduation ceremony, because he had a face full of OW # 3's P@#$y!)

So, now I have found out that during the past 18 months my loving nurturing rat of a H has had three relationships with OW and has spent money and time with them. All the while complaining that I did not want him. Well, maybe I would have wanted to have sex with him the way we used to before baby if he had taken me to dinner, or to the park, hell, if he had treated me like a human once in a while.

That is not the half of it though. Sure maybe he is still lying and maybe not. What I get from this site is that every WS does, but what pisses me off more than anything, is the following.

#1) OW # 3, the crazy one, has threatened to kidnap my child, broken into my house, sent me nasty letters, said horrible things on the phone, etc, etc, etc. I have had to go to the military and trun her in, tell strangers what my H did and ask for help. Did you know that threatening to kidnap a child is a felony? I did not. So I have that battle to contend with.

#2) H is in deep trouble with work. Adultry is a crime, as is lying about it. OW # 3 turned him in when he told her he was going back to me. So, he is looking at one or more of the following, court marshall (this means possibly jail), fines (up to two months pay, which scares the crap out of me! I don't dare spend any money, because we can only cover a loss of about half of that), loss of rank, loss of job, dishonorable discharge (bad for future job search), letter of reprimand, basically any one of the following can ruin his career. Something I have busted my butt to support for the last seven years.

3) Now, WH says he is telling the whole truth, and he loves me and will I come to other country with our daughter and hold his hand while the military takes away our livlyhood. I cannot believe hehas the nerve to ask. I don't believe he is telling me the whole truth, and frankly I hate him right now.

I had only two requests when we started dating, one, love me, and two follow three simple rules.
No lying, No cheating, and No hitting. Simple huh! He has broken all three! about five years ago, we were having problems, he pulled me out of the car one time, and threw me into a closet door the other. After the door thing, he went into counseling, and never did it again. (so far)

The problem in this whole situation is, I have been to see a lawyer, and I know I can get anything I want since I have so much proof. Basically, I could ruin him, but..... I still love him. And, the military has put him on administrative hold pending the outcome of the punishment phase. So he is not even coming home tomorrow like he was supposed to.

In September, after the end of the last A he came home to visit, and close on our house. ( I still had no idea what he had done) He was wonderful, supportive, helpful, responsible, respectful, caring, and truely involved in our lives. I could not believe the difference in him. I was thrilled and very much in love with him. We talked about having another baby. I became pregnant, but lost the baby soon after. He had left, and knew nothing of it, until a few weeks ago. I kept it from him because I did not want him to be upset that he was not here. I told him after I found out about the OW. Needless to say, he was so different when he came home, and he swears that is the way it will be from now on, and please give him six months to prove it.

But.... I am scared. I am a mess right now. I am on such a rollercoaster with my emotions. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I am hopeful, and sometimes I think of ways to kill myself. I am having a hard time getting a grip here. I am worried that I will lose my license to teach if anyone finds out that that I am in therapy or on medication, so I have not been to the doctor. I can't turn to my friends or family for help because they will tel me he is a jerk, and leave him. I feel so alone. I wish I could trust my H and feel loved by him.

Most of all, I wish this never happened. Now I have to deal with the loss of my trust for him, the potential loss of his job, and maybe our house, the case against his crazy former lover, and whatever else I have missed. I am a borderline basket case. I hardly eat or sleep, when I do eat, I am sick for a day or so. I have a constant headache. I feel like I am falling apart. Could someone please tell me I am normal?

What's worse is, his friends tell him he is so lucky to have me. And that I am beautiful, and an amazing person, and he agrees with them, so why if I am so beautiful and amazing, would he cheat on me, lie to me, and treat me so awful?

Well, I am going on and on here. I guess i just need someone to tell me it will be okay. Or maybe someone to tell me how i can trust my H again. I feel like he is telling me anything he can to keep me, because I am the last one available. I wish I knew if he really loved me. I have been told yes by others who know him, and I want to believe what he says, but it is so hard.

First and most important...Yes, you are normal!

Sadly the military by it's nature is not wired to make for a normal healthy marriage. The separations, the rules of military life are a world apart from how the rest of us conduct our marriages.

This is all very new to you. You were finally given the truth in one of the worst ways, but knowing is always better then not knowing.

Now...this sick OW...lets address this issue first. Do whatever you must do to protect yourself and your family. If this means dragging her in front of a court of law...do so. She's got some personal issues which sound very twisted...do NOT accept any more phone calls, letters, video tapes (very sick) from her. If she sends you ANYTHING in the mail, give it to your lawyer...do NOT open it...let him/her deal with it. (Or the military if this is the correct course.) Whatever you do...do NOT susject yourself to watching a video!!!!!!

The lies which come shortly after d-day are completely normal and the usual course the WS attempts. I have seen this over and over on all support boards. THEY LIE! They do their very best to avoid admitting anything. This is for two reasons...they really do believe (falsely) that they are attempting to protect us from futher hurt, AND they are protecting themselves from our anger. The hardest lesson they must learn is that only truth will help in the long run. It's a lesson which can take months to learn, if ever.

Just because he did those things with the OWs does not necessarily mean that he was emotionally connected to any of them...altho, he could have been. Often the "coin" they pay for the sex is attention. But, until things are more clear as to what he was feeling, we have no way of knowing the extent of emotional attachment.

As for your H's troubles with the military...he dug a very deep hole for himself...and sadly it will effect you and your family also...but he's got no choice but to deal with them in a manner they deem fitting. He'll be faced with paying the price for his actions...sadly, the bill will be shared by you...when you did NOTHING wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am worried that I will lose my license to teach if anyone finds out that that I am in therapy or on medication, so I have not been to the doctor. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First...this can NOT take your license away! So many people are in therapy today that it is not the issue it was before. Medication is available for a reason...it helps! IF...it were to come up...I'd sue any school/organisation which limited my resources for receiving help. jmho You're choice to seek therapy is a positive, not a negative. It shows that when you do face problems...you seek to resolve them. Please see a doctor and a counselor as soon as possible. (It should be kept private and confidential anyway!)

Good Luck!

just a wifey,
Thanks for the reply. I really needed to get it off my chest. I have been sitting here thinking way too much for the past few weeks.

You are correct that I will have to deal with the ramifications too. I am not looking forward to that.

I told my first family member today. It was H's dad. He called to find out what time H got in tomorrow, and I tried to lie, but he wasn't buying it. I ended up telling him, and much to my surprise, he was very angry with my H. He basically told me that he would stand behind any decision that i made, and I was part on his family. And that my H needed to swallow this pill alone. He asked me not to be supportive, and to tell him that his father wanted to have a word with him when he got home, about what it means to be an adult and a responsible H and father.

It was nice to have him stand up for me like that. He said he would stand behid me and make sure his son knew that he was wrong. He apologised left and right and offered anything I needed. Then, he called back and said he was really upset about the whole thing, and that he wanted to make sure I was okay, and to tell me I was the best thing that had ever happened to his son and his family.

It was really nice that he was so supportive. My H is not so happy. He is mad at me for my post earlier too. I started posting here, and then he did, and I stopped for a while. But I figured, why not! So rather than yell at him, I posted here. When I called him earlier to tell him i talked to his dad, he said "Yeah well I am reading your post now too."

So, here I sit, with a father in law who is ready to go to war for me, and a H who is mad at me. Oh well, I feel better! Today anyway!

Thanks again for your reply! I needed that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Samiace,

You are normal. Please go see a therapist. Get professional help.

You both are in my prayers.

So....samiace's H...you're a lurker! WEll...that makes this easy.

You're W is reaching out for support and validation for her feelings of hurt, anger, (misplaced) shame, confusion...and you're going to really help her by getting mad at her for doing so...Is this a good picture of you?

I'm normally VERY supporting of WS...I am married to one, I love him dearly...but WS who would like to have respect...really do need to be remorseful and WANT to help their spouse who is hurting...does this describe you???

Sam...I hope you aren't "run off" the board by your H. I do somewhat understand why he isn't thrilled with having the problems in your marriage poured out on a support board on the internet (my H wasn't thrilled either), BUT...he does need to understand that this site is geared to SAVE marriages. To give BOTH sides support and validation for how they feel. It's not just to bash the WS.

We want to see the two of you heal your marriage, make it better, stronger and more loving. And it can happen!

I'm glad that your FIL is supportive of you, it's can be very helpful. HOWEVER...I would offer a bit of warning as other family members, with the very best intentions, can do more harm then good.

This marriage is between you and your H. You really do NOT need FIL blasting H...what you want is for FIL to be supportive of BOTH of you and to let the two of you work this out. He needs to stay on the sidelines, NOT get in the middle. I wouldn't go into details with him, as it may not be the best course.

Considering H's issues with the military, I doubt that you could have kept it a secret, but be careful of what you say to FIL. We of the older generation...that includes me...tend to often get up on our moral high horse...and it's not a safe place to start taking pot shots from...as we end up very exposed to being shot right off that horse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />