Found out on 12/29/02 that my wife was having an affair. Actually looked at her phone records and found a work mate's cell number plastered all over it.

It only lasted 4 weeks until my discovery and she says they had only slept together once. Inititally, she showed so much evidence of remorse that I thought all would be well. But as the past few weeks have gone by, she is apparently on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

I'll give you an example. Yesterday morning she hugs me sweetly and tells me everything will get better. Later that evening we have a difficult discussion centered on how much she still wants to be with him and has no interest in trying to be with me. After a long conversation and some thinking on her part, she comes to me with tears in her eyes and kisses me passionately. I felt like it was a breakthrough because she had admitted to me she had never felt any sexual chemistry for me and was not attracted to me physically. But I realize it's really only part of the ride.

She's not convinced it can get better between us, but wants to do the right thing, especially regarding our kids.

Do we have a chance? What can I help her to do to commit to giving us a chance?

I'm reading my rear end off, but there's so much info here, I'm kind of lost. Where do I start?

Please ... any input would be greatly appreciated.

Zaed

Welcome Zaed and my sincerest regrets for the terrible ordeal you have gone thru because of your wife's affair.

Do you have a chance? certainly BUT there has to be an honest effort and committment ,on both your parts, to follow a plan of action for marital recovery. The first and foremost step in said plan of action is that your wife has to willingly END ALL CONTACT with her OM(other man) otherwise marital recovery is only an illusion. She also has to willingly be accountable of her whereabouts 24/7, relinquish all cell or mobile phone number records, e-mail passwords, text messaging, etc. All of these most important steps are called boundaries and their purpose are to help her avoid from restarting her A(affair) and to create the environment where recovery can begin in earnest.

I'd like to suggest that you read all the material on this website as well as getting ahold and reading the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs'. If you have the money, I would also suggest that you start telephone consultation with one of the Harley's.

And lastly, your WW(wayward wife i.e. unfaithful wife) is going thru painful withdrawl from her OM, much like drug addicts and alcoholics go thru when they give up their drug of choice. As much as you are in pain, try to reach out to her and validate her feelings of painful withdrawl from her OM. Doing so could have a powerful effect later on when she starts to come out of withdrawl, in that she'll see how much you love her by having been there during her most painful moments.

Hang tight, you are not alone. There are more wiser folks coming to give you their valuable insight.

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: CoffeeMan ]</small>

Thank you so much for your quick reply ....

Encouragingly, she has ceased 99% of her contact. The other 1% is because they are work associates at my children's school. Actually, they work in different buildings, but occassionally pass by each other. I'm afraid this may be contributing to her difficulty getting through withdrawal. I don't feel we're really in a position to have her leave work and am afraid at this point thtat she may refuse although was initially willing to do so.

They both seem to respect my wishes of limiting their contact, but they have the occasional 'Hello'.

How detrimental is this? And please forginve my spelling ....

Zaed

Ideally, the best option is for her to find another job so that she could avoid seeing him altogether. But unfortunately sometimes important financial considerations make this impractical, nevertheless she should make an all out effort to avoid being alone with him to take away the temptation on both of them. You will have to be very patient with her and create an emotionally safe environment where she won't be penalized for being open and honest with you regarding her A(affair) and the OM(other man). Gently explain to her that all the boundaries are for her benefit as well so that she can get over the OM and bring back peace into her life.

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: CoffeeMan ]</small>