Hi
I'm Kathy and I'm new here. 5 mo. ago I found out my spouse was having an emotional affair with a co worker. The story is long and sad...we had problems and he didn't want to get help then..and he turned to her. I found all his secret emails with the help of some snooper software and so he could not deny it. We are in conseling with our Pastor but still....I do not feel in my gut that I know the whole truth yet. How do I find out if it went further than emotional? He cut it off with her and repented, and is daily praying with me. But once your lied to and betrayed this way...I am lost and full of suspicion and only want the truth. I can deal with the truth. Now he changed his email addresses to 'protect' me from any more emails that might 'hurt' me from her or other women he wrote to online. I want the passwords and he won't give them. I want cell phone records and I can't get them. I feel trapped and angry. Mostly I just want the truth..any advise? Thanks in Christ, Kathy

I should tell you we are both Christians, and that his relationship with her went as far as kissing and that he had written to 'single' clubs online and posted his profile to other women to write to him and his stories and what I found online just don't seem to add up. Every ounce of truth I've gotten so far has been because I found out on my own first...we have 4 girls and the 2 oldest know. I want to know how far this all went and my Pastor told me I should not go down that road? Am I nuts? Kathy

Kathy_V,

I know how you are feeling. My FWW kept so many things from me for our entire 12 years of marriage until a couple of years ago. I had caught her in an EA and every bit of truth she told me that day I had to drag out of her. The bottom line is they don't want us to know what they have done in order to protect themselves at first. Then when reconciliation begins, they don't want us to know everything in order to protect the marriage. You sound like me in that I want to know everything. Some people can just take so much before not wanting to know anymore. But I have to get it all out on the table in order to process it and move on.

The only way I have been able to find out as much as I have is through time, persistance and asking in such a way that there is no LBing (love busting). It also helps tremendously to pray to God and ask Him to soften my spouse's heart to let the whole truth out.

Jetes

Thanks Jetes,
Somedays, I dream of walking out the door and never looking back. I know God doesn't want me to do that. A few days before I found out about his EA, I sat on my steps and wept to Jesus and asked Him to please just let the truth reign in my home. Then I found the poems and letters. Then I confronted him, initially he denied it...then confessed. The OW left his work and moved away. Is there a deeper pain than betrayal? I wonder. It has been 2 years for you. Do you trust her yet? Kathy

No, I'm afraid I don't totally trust her yet. Two years ago is when all of the truth began coming out. I have pried out other hidden secrets since that time. Unfortunately I still don't think I know everything. But I trust in God that everything I need to know will be revealed. It's ironic that people think they can keep secrets forever, but the truth always prevails.

No, I'm afraid I don't totally trust her yet. Two years ago is when all of the truth began coming out. I have pried out other hidden secrets since that time. Unfortunately I still don't think I know everything. But I trust in God that everything I need to know will be revealed. It's ironic that people think they can keep secrets forever, but the truth always prevails.

Sorry for the double post. I don't know what happened.

The trust is gone. Without trust there is no relationship.

My H also had an EA with a coworker. Though it was never sexual, it destroyed my trust.

For me to regain trust, he would have had to tell me about everything they ever said to each other. He would have to have shown me every letter he wrote her, printed out every email, and agreed to a meeting among the 4 of us (OW, OWH, me and my H) and get it all out in the open.

He would then have had to agreed to total and complete honesty in future and NO CONTACT with OW ever again.

It's been 6 years now. I filed for D in August after retaining an atty and telling my H in a letter that I had done so, and asking him to talk over with me the best way to get him served without a scandal.

He came home to talk (I thought about my serving him the D papers) and begged me to reconsider what a D would do to our son. Long talk, eventually I agreed to wait 30 days. He promised to make behavioral changes.

He has been more thoughtful since then, but I still sleep in the spare room. He won't touch me and sleeping in the same bed with complete rejection is too painful.

The loss of trust is fatal to a marriage.

I asked God what he wants for me. I had gotten down on my knees alone in the bedroom and asked Him to tell me His plan for my life. I was desperate.

I talked to my priest. He said God's plan is for me to be happy. He said "leave the bum"

Find another counselor. Or see if your H will counsel with the Harleys.

Sorry for your pain.

Kathy --

Some words on trust:

Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together:
at the door where the latter enters, the former makes its exit.
~Alexandre Dumas~

"he changed his email addresses to 'protect' me from any more emails that might 'hurt' me from her or other women he wrote to online." -- Totally unacceptable! You KNOW it doesn't work that way! You are hurt far more by what you don't know and what you are forced to wonder about. Even though the truth may hurt, you can battle the demons you know about--that's the reality and not speculation.

"I want the passwords and he won't give them." -- He has to provide them to you. Period!

"I want cell phone records and I can't get them." -- Ditto. Does he want to help you to heal or is he content to stand in your way and impede progress and recovery for your marriage? If that's the case, how long will you be content to accept the crumbs.

Those with nothing to hide don't need to hide anything.

Ammon

Hello,

I agree with Ammon, you need ALL the email addys, passwords, etc. Otherwise he's not serious, he's just jerking you around and playing games.

My WH did all of that right away after d-day 3 months ago, but I am still struggling to trust him, as he still harbors feelings for an XOW (PA- she was married, he was single) before we were married, and the latest EA OW I recently found out about. He has had no contact with either of them since end of A, but his lack of remorse for his actions really bothers me. Guess it's just fog, so I am trying to be calm and wait it out. He talks about it, but very haltingly. He says he can't change the past. I'm not asking him to do that, just to examine his attitudes and motivations. Those must change before there can be any hope of saving the relationship. This site helps tremendously. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Blessings!

Hello,

I agree with Ammon, you need ALL the email addys, passwords, etc. Otherwise he's not serious, he's just jerking you around and playing games.

My WH did all of that right away after d-day 3 months ago, but I am still struggling to trust him, as he still harbors feelings for an XOW (PA- she was married, he was single) before we were married, and the latest EA OW I recently found out about. He has had no contact with either of them since end of A, but his lack of remorse for his actions really bothers me. Guess it's just fog, so I am trying to be calm and wait it out. He talks about it, but very haltingly. He says he can't change the past. I'm not asking him to do that, just to examine his attitudes and motivations. Those must change before there can be any hope of saving the relationship. This site helps tremendously. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Blessings!