My wife and I have been seperated for nearly 7 months now. She has since stated that all of our problems, even the ones she has blamed me for, are all her fault. She only tries to blame me because she can't stand to admit that she is a horrible person. 3 nights ago, she admitted to having sex with someone one night, having sex with another one month later, and to top it off, she found out she was pregnant and got an abortion on the 11th. It is not mine, I had a vascectomy over a year ago. I am devastated and numb.

I have no one to talk to about any of this. Of course there is much more to this story, and I could probably type all day. However, right now I am just trying to find a way to cope with this insane news.

I will never trust her again, or forgive her. I don't want to. My therapist says that is just anger. But why is it that they all believe that? Perhaps it is true? Maybe I truly believe that this is not worth recovering. Would that be so wrong?

I will keep posting, hopefully some of you can help by posting back. Until then, I will scour the archived posts.

jerseykrs, so sorry that you've found yourself in need of a support site, but do know that you've discovered a good one. Lots of information here...READ!

While your counselor is certainly correct in that you are speaking from anger...that doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to change your mind, once the anger is under control.

However, it's never a good idea to make a life-changing decision while in the mist of anger, pain, and/or confusion. You've had a load dropped on your back, you're straggering!

It sounds as if you're wife was deep into what is often recurred to as the famous "fog" here and is now coming out of it and realizing that it wasn't "all your fault"...but she's gone too far in the other direction...it's not all her fault either. (Altho, her choice to betray was indeed "all her fault"...as it was her choice to take that path.)

Marriages are what we who live in them make them, we create the environment and are therefore responsible for our part in the breakdown, BUT...the options we chose when we become dissatisified...are ones we must own and accept "blame" if we've choosen a less then right choice.

Now, you've posted on a "pro-marriage" part of the site, most of us are basically trying to rebuild our marriages and get support of that effort. That in no way means that we feel that all marriages should be saved no matter what.

Some marriages are so damaged, or they are unhealthy with no signs of improvement being likely, or there has been what is termed a "dealbreaker" which a spouse just can not and will not overcome. This is decision is supported also.

IF...you feel that you and your W have reached a point where there can be no more forgiveness, where you are no longer willing/able to continue in the marriage...then seek out a lawyer, get the best advice possible, and end the marriage on the best terms you are able to come to agreement.

You're not wrong or right, that isn't the point now...it's what you feel you need for yourself and where you want your life to lead. If it is not with your W, then it is not and that's ok.

As I said...it's best not to make a decision set in stone right now, as it can be awfully hard to go back and dig it out, if in fact as time passes you discover that just maybe...there is something worth saving. (Losing face...seems to be an issue when this happens, not only to others but to self.)

Good Luck on your healing path. Know that we will support whatever decision you do reach. We understand the pain, we know the sorrow, we know the lost of trust and faith in our partners.

jerseykrs-Glad you are here, sorry to hear about your situation. You have found a great place to post, vent and get advice. This is a slow forum, if you are looking for more responses maybe move to GQII or the emotional needs forums.

wifey-Once again your input is right on!

We are here for you
STTSI

Yeah, I have been advised not to make ANY decisions during this time. I have to admit, I would love to just go for a divorce today, but I am going to let all this (and any other crap that is about to hit me) sink in and take some time. I have started to take Lexapro to help throught this time.

I do believe that I probably had a hand in making it easier to act on her feelings, she and I both know that having feelings and acting on them are two different things. And like you (and my therapist) said, the actual acts were all her decision.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be happy with my wife, however, I feel like the things she has done are so bad that I will never get over them.

Now, there are other circumstances that contributed to this. During this night that all these things came out, I was also made aware that my wife believes she was sexually abused when she was a child. I say believes because I truly believe she has some serious mental issues, and so does she.

I just have SO MANY EMOTIONS going through my mind. On one hand, I feel like the woman I promised to love and take care of for life needs me now more than ever, but, on the other hand, she has betrayed, deceived, lied, and hurt me beyond belief.

She now says she recognizes that she has serious issues, and that blaming me for her faults is one of the worst ones. I just feel like she (and I now for that matter) need so much therapy, that it is an impossible goal. I also don't know if I ever want to again.

Where are her consequences if I try to work this out? What will reinforce my belief that nothing like this will happen again?

I have so many questions and doubts. I'll just keep posting here since it is in effect my friend for all these things. You can't really discuss this with your friends or family, since few if any can listen without being judgmental in some way.

Your wife and mine = same. My wife had a internet affair with a guy from another country, six months later she went to his house in another country and slept with him for 2 weeks, she was suppose to go see her family but ended up staying with him for 2 weeks. She didnt get preganant but she didnt have him wear a condom and even told him she was on birth control, she wasnt. She explains to me now that she was on a medicine that made woman have her period and she thought she couldnt get pregnant. I know its a lie, she didnt care if she got pregnant, much like your wife. She says shes soory and cant believe it etc, probably much like your wife.

I too see my wife differently, i have no idea who she is, but i do know what she can sleep with other men when she is married to me and lie and feel nothing for me her husband. She even emailed me from his house and told me she loved me/missed me etc. I get very angry and abusive and even smacked her around. I cant help it. I havent hurt her in over a month. Somtimes i see her as a enemy, some times as the wife i knew before she changed into what she is today. I have no problem embarasing her or hurting her feeling at all, until i stop hating her then i feel sorry for being mean and try to make up.

I can only say hurting your wife will make you feel bad but it does make you atleast feel somthing other then hate after you see her sad. Seeing my wife sad doesnt make me happy it makes me see her as human.

I asked my wife back after i found out about her affair, because i felt weird not having her with me always, we were very close. I often wonder if she would still be with the OM if i didnt aske her back. I cant believe anything she says so everything is a mystery to me and i cant believe anything she says. She was with me telling me she loved me etc. then 3 weeks later naked having unprotected sex with a stranger she never met in his house in a country she had never been in. Wife says the sex was horrible and she just waited until it was over never having an orgasim, but why would she still have sex then?
Wife now acts as nothing happend? how can these cheating spouses forget what they have done?, why? how?

I ask these questions over and over every day 100 times, i get no relief and its been 5 months, im sooo tired.

Some here on this forum have it real bad, some of these cheating spouses really put their loveones though hell by continuing to sleep with their lovers and flaunt it. You may think you have it bad, you do but not like some, your wife isnt the worst <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Consequences, there really are none, in my oppinion cheating spouses have little true remorse, if they had these types of feeling they would have never done the unthinkable. My oppinions and advice are on the harsh side here. I have great days and horrible days, i have horrible days because i have memories of my wife that collides with reality.

They say here that time will fade the anger, im still waiting for it to fade. Im begining to realize that it will never go away and that i need to cheapen what marraige is and that my wife is no different then the girls i met in bars in my single days, oh what days! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but that didnt make me too happy either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So i will wait and see what happens, perhaps I will learn to accept what my wife is or i will find another woman who i think understands what marriage is about. Or maybe i never knew?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where are her consequences if I try to work this out? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please believe someone who has taken both paths after a betrayal...I left my first H of nine years, I had two sweet young daughters, no money, no job...I stayed with my second H, children all grown, enough security that money would not have been a problem...still no job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And staying is a LOT harder for both parties then leaving and beginning to try to repair a marriage touched by betrayals.

The consequences she will suffer will be in having to face every one of her poor choices, admitting to her mistakes deep down in her soul, there is NO place to hide from yourself when you try to rebuild. She'll have to face the pain in your eyes, your loss of trust whenever she walks out the door, the shame which will be a living part of her for a long time.

While there is nothing easy about being betrayed, there is nothing easy about being the WS trying their best to seek forgiveness, understanding, acceptance and trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What will reinforce my belief that nothing like this will happen again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Moment by moment, day by day, week by week, as she tries to reclaim your trust. By doing what she needs to do to give you a sense of security...this could include being extra accountable for her actions, whereabouts, what was considered before her "private" life. By being honest with you about what she thinks, how she feels, what she wants and needs.

By YOU being honest about what you need from her and her meeting those needs. By YOU looking at her and seeing that she isn't perfect, that she made a terrible choice, she's remorseful, she is seeking your forgiveness.

None of us have a crystal ball and can tell you that this could never happen again...but, we also can't tell you that the next woman you might meet, fall in love with, marry, won't at some point and time also stumble and make the same horrible mistake. Or that you won't. There is no guarantee in any of this or in life.

To love someone is to put yourself at risk...it just goes with the territory. To not love is to lose out on the sweetest life has to offer. jmho

Since you asked these two questions...I don't think you're quite ready to make a firm decision, yet. So maybe you are on the right board after all. MB does have a pretty good record of helping marriages become more then they were before.

Good Luck!

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

Doh! made a mistake

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>